::
2002 1 August :: 9.58 pm
i'm sore sore sore sore...... i just sat down and wrote a private livejournal deal- 10 pages on word. 12 font. i even made the margins bigger and everything. sigh. i would put it on here, but then i'd have to kill everyone who read it- and that'd just be messy. so i'll just pretend like everything's cool and go drink some orange juice and read my book because everything will be better in the morning. .... but it won't. i hate sleeping on things- then my head just hurts and i'm still fucking sore
2 psycho-analysts |
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 31 July :: 5.54 pm
:: Music: the bathwater
i'm so exhausted
i just got home from lunch with kevin at 5:30, and we met at 12:30. ...he's exhausting though. like i feel like i haven't slept in days trying to keep up with his train of thought for 5 hours. he's pretty laid back and cool though, these days. this is how i imagined it to be back in 6th grade. hanging out-no strings attatched, friends... whatever. i don't know what i'm talking about anymore. just waiting for a ride to aaron's. i don't even know if i want to go.. i kind of want to curl up in a little ball and sleep the day away..
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 31 July :: 5.54 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
What Was Your PastLife?
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 31 July :: 12.05 pm
:: Mood: amused
You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.
Find out your color at Stvlive.com!
|
|
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 30 July :: 2.57 pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: jack johnson
slow down everyone.... you're moving too fast
last night was a night of.... discoveries. maybe more self-discovery than anything but i also discovered some things about aaron... and lowell.. and allie.
as with allie, i didn't want to hang out with aaron last night. too much seriousness. i just wanted to kick back and make dinner and talk and laugh... not try to figure out his every move, and what to avoid and what to take in... i didn't want to figure anything out last night, but i ended up figuring out a lot of things.
maybe it was because i had such a great time with lil during dinner, and then got so seriously thrown when she had to leave, that put me in the bad mood. or maybe it was because allie seemed like she didn't want to be there, or the fact that aaron just cant be... he just can't chill. maybe it was all of those rolled together but by the end of the night, i was just... angry.
everything aaron has said lately has contradicted something he said in the past. i started to realize that. the things that i realized about myself were just sad things though... i think i'm one of the most selfish people i've ever met. use and lose is an understatement... i just can't explain it, but i tried to say it to allie last night... at like 2am... and i think she got it. now that i know that i can "get" aaron... my attraction to him is slowly losing ground. he's still hot, and funny.... but me wanting him is almost nonexistent anymore. and once i started thinking about that.. i started thinking about other people i've like in the past... and most of them have ended up in the exact same way, although most of them we stayed friends. but. the desire just.. disappears.
except for one. lowell. maybe its because i never fully realized that i could "have" him or maybe its beccause... he's so different from every other guy i've ever met. the desire.. the... attraction has never dwindled, only intensified since i know him so well now.
aaron again... i don't want him anymore. i just don't. i want to be his friend, and that's it. he invited me over to his house tomorrow night to spend the night... no rents at his house.. and my dad doesn't care about stuff like that so its all green lights from here. but... if i knew that he would just want to hang out, watch movies, and talk i would be all for this... but. i know that's not the case. ehhhh... i guess its just something to do. somewhere to go. but i've gotta figure my head out. before the days over.
1 psycho-analyst |
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 29 July :: 12.45 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
two different things going on today.... ahhhh i don't know if i'm up to either of them, but we'll see.
Saturday night was good... the last 5 minutes were my favorite though...
1 psycho-analyst |
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 29 July :: 1.47 am
:: Mood: awake
Answer questions using lyrics from only one band.
Band: Dashboard Confessional
1. Are you male or female?:
So she says
"everyones going to a party
won't you come if i come
with a friend
for your friend?
i'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom
wearing the smile
that i bring you"
2. Describe yourself?:
I try on my blue shirt
she told me she liked it
she wonders where I went
she knows knows just what she'll wear
she always wears blue
Some sneakers or flip flops
I'm starting to panic
remember
she asked you
remember
to breathe
and the memory fades
...we'll be okay ....
The harder I push
the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite
but I can always
be wrong
...Try not to be wrong.
3. How do they feel about you?:
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.
...
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles
and shining eyes
and perfect makeup
but you're barely scraping by...
you're barely scraping by....
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
(my) sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:
I'm not sure of anyone
But I've got plans...
I'm not asking for everything
But sure I could use a hand
...Never really mastered disinterest
I can't see how the way
that you leave me alone
makes us close
I must be out of touch..
I won't ask you to give up
on the things that seem
to keep you gone
But I can be gone too...
your legs are smooth
as they graze mine
we're doing fine
we're doing nothing at all...
The words are hushed
lets not get busted,
just lay entwined here
undiscovered.
safe from the earth
and all the stupid questions..
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near,
stay close they can't hear,
so we can get some.
...Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.
...i'd like to see you undone
6. What would you rather be doing?:
As for me
I wish that I were
anywhere
with anyone
making out....
7. Describe where you live?:
this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.
Wandering the house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now...
...
This basement's a coffin
I'm buried alive.
I'll die in here just to be safe.
I'll die in here just to be safe.
8. Describe how you live?:
all I want are vows of silence now...
we're saying aloud
the things we've declared
in our silence.
The new coats of paint
will not reaquaint
broken hearts to broken homes.
...dashing the dirt on the cold glass.
talking of big smack
and playing the fool
and wearing all of the latest fashions,
bucking the new trends
and wearing (my) old threads
9. Describe how you love?:
Consider the odds,
consider the obvious.
...
Hope has sprung a perfect dive
a perfect day,
a perfect lie.
A slowly crafted monologue
conceding your defeat.
Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?
10. Share a few words of wisdom?:
sleep with all the lights on
bearing your mattress
bearing your soul
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 27 July :: 2.52 pm
:: Mood: lonely
ahhhh
lillian left for a reading class like 20 minutes ago and i'm stuck in her house with her family for 3 hours. its a good thing i feel pretty comfortable here or i would be going crazy...
...its good to be here. last night lil and i went to brian's house with chris. we watched orange county and drank.... that movie is a whole lot funnier when you're buzzed, let me tell you. i ended up in the backseat of brian's dad's car with chris webster. we were drinking corona and talking about the sky. i put my head in his lap and he played with my hair. i closed my eyes and he kissed my eyelid. it was weird... i felt like i was in 7th grade again, sneaking around his house and sitting on his porch late at night.
i'm retarded lately. i knew then i could've gotten with him... could've kissed him... and i really wanted to, too. just because i've missed him so much. just because it felt like the right thing to do. but i didn't. i held back. something told me not to- too many complications in my life already or something. so i smiled. and put my hand on his leg, and complained about the heat. we held hands and "cuddled" in the car until lillian's dad came an hour later. what a strange night...
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 27 July :: 2.33 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: air conditioning.
1.Full Name: Sarah Ray Rondot
2. Were you named after anyone: well.. Ray is my grandma's maiden name... and Sarah was my mom's favorite girl name. she loved that song... "sarah.. no time is a good time for goodbye"
3. Do you wish on stars: the first one out
4. Which finger is your favorite: I don't think anyone has ever asked
me this before. I don't really have a favorite... maybe my ring finger on my left hand... its the only one i wear a ring on. i like thumbs... hell i don't know
5. When did you last cry: uhhh.. couple weeks ago i think
6. Do you like your handwriting: yeah, sure
7. What is your favorite lunchmeat: lunchmeat... no... pb and j- the american staple
8. Any bad habits: i thought i had stopped biting my nails and then i realized last night most of them are gone... damn the man....
9. What is your most embarrassing CD: probably something like nsync
10. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? sure why not
11. Are you a daredevil: Depends on the dare.
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell: when i was little, i think.
13. Do looks matter: to some degree... there's gotta be some sort of attraction present
14. Have you ever mis-used a word and it sounded absolutely stupid: my mom does that a lot
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: i saw the greatest rainbow on my trip this summer.... it was the whole sky and it was doubled. pot of gold? yeah and dancing midgets with irish accents
16. Do fish have feelings: that would be sad if they did and had to live in a fishbowl.
17. Are you trendy: only when i'm wearing Allie's clothes
18. How do you release anger? i guess i cry. and write. oh, and run/swim.
19. Where is your second home: right here. lillians. and tcs.
20. Do you trust others easily: not really
21. What was your favorite toy as a child: i was a fanatic of anything i could make... drawings... painting.. that lincoln logs deal
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless: anything under the title "____ block" ...i think i made myself even more retarded taking religion this year
23. Do you like sappy love songs: no, not sappy ones
24. Have you ever been on radio or television: Why yes, i have. i did a commercial for 88.1
25. Do you have a journal: yeah...
26. Do you use sarcasm a lot: no. never.
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit:
yeah, once... i was actually trying to get out of it for like 35 minutes before i finally did.... my wallet got stolen
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl: this is an original question, i swear... someone i can talk to
29. What are your nicknames: bo.. gopher.. wow random names that lillian calls me. Ray..
30. Would you bunjee jump: yeah
31. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off: i wear sandals
32. What are you worried about right now? just one?
33. Do you ever wear overalls: ..not since i was about 5. i used to have those oshkosh ones though..
34. Do you think that you are strong physically: sure
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor: snickers... heh good stuff lil
36. What's your favorite color: dark red
37. What is your least favorite thing in the world: fake people. and the dentist
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have: 3 maybe? they're all gone
39. Are you in love with anyone: no
40. How many people have a crush on you right now: a crush? god i hate that word. i don't know really.. wouldn't that defeat the purpose of a "crush"?
41. Who do you miss most right now: elyse
42. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back:
43. What scares u most: not doing anything with my life
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 26 July :: 3.49 pm
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 26 July :: 3.38 pm
:: Mood: bouncy
sexy sexy do your thing.... learn to be shy and then you can sting....
quickly quickly call and then you'll know its such an awkward show to see... and everyone you wantd to know, and everyone you wanted to meet.. have all gone away.... you're breaking your mind ...
ahhh, jack johnson... i had a dream the other night that adam reed bought be tickets to his concert and i got so excited that i jumped on him and stayed like that for like 5 minutes... then i woke up.... and told lillian the dream, but i don't think she was awake yet. sigh.
i'm really looking forward to tomorrow night, lesley.... "shedding inhabitions" is my top priority for the weekend. a whole 24 hours with you sounds wonderful right now.... till tomorrow...
2 psycho-analysts |
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 25 July :: 7.03 pm
sigh. anyways. aaron and i are kinda together, in a crazy way. we both don't want that serious-ness of a seclusive relationship but still "want" the other. he's been hurt so many times, and i honestly have no idea what it means to be hurt like that anymore. i have been, once or twice. but i've never loved someone, and i've never not gotten over something.... does that make me strong or inexperienced?
hell i don't know. but i can't stop thinking about lowell. maybe this whole we haven't been more than friends for awhile was good for us. maybe we will realize how we are as people and like each other even more.. or something... maybe i was the only one doing the liking all along. or something... fuck. hell if you know what i mean, let me know, cause i have no fucking idea....
i'm gonna go wake lil. she's been sleeping for ages.
2 psycho-analysts |
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 25 July :: 6.57 pm
:: Mood: blah
last night i went to aaron's and we sat in his park, and he told me about his "first love." this girl named Kathryn, 7th grade-8th grade deal, but for him, this was intense and immeasurable love. hes the type of guy that was ready for a relationship by the age of 8, and probably had them too. sophisticated bastard. Kathryn was everything to him.. perfect.. beautiful and smart and athletic and caring and... just everything. he loved her. he loved himself with her and her with him. he talked about her last night, while i had my head on his chest, and he actually got pretty choked up and pushed me away... it was weird. he sat up and kept talking about her, and what happened when they broke up, and how he cried and cried and cried, and how he has to see her every day still, and every single day, even after its been like 3 years, it still hurts him.
.... god i thought he was going to cry, but he hugged me instead. and wiped his eyes. and i asked him if he was ok? and he said, yeah, and that's why he doesn't get in relationships. because he compares them too much to Kathryn, his first love, and its not fair to the girl. and i understood him so well in that moment. and we hugged, and stayed like that and i listened to his heartbeat and everything felt so... raw. so out there in the open. and i got uncomfortable all of a sudden and i realized what exactly i will never be to aaron, and that was a scary thought. i will never be close enough to do this much damage to him as Kathryn did, because he will never let me get this close.
god if that's what love is, i don't want to get close to it. ever.
psycho-analyze me |
::
2002 25 July :: 5.18 pm
:: Mood: anxious
miss "get-offline-so-we-can-do-something" is now fast asleep. and here i am again... as daydream says, this week HAS been crazy. but good crazy. i feel so close to allie this week... sittin on her floor, talking for hours about meaningless stuff that sounds important, drinking skyy and laughing and laughing... tickling and cuddling and ... sigh. sometimes, i just don't know with her. i know that she questions my ..like.. for her or whatever, but then i start to question hers and its a big vicious cycle that nobody wins in.
..it might be the fact that she never makes any moves. she tells me all the time that she doesn't.. and she won't. ever. its ... infuriating? no... that's not the word. maybe i just feel how a lot of guys feel now. damn, it sucks.
1 psycho-analyst |
psycho-analyze me |
|
