<b>it's Always about </b> <i>you</i>

it's Always about you

:: 2004 3 September :: 12.09 am

how can i still like him!?!? oh man oh man.. this is bad.. reaaaallly bad!

:: 2004 2 September :: 11.05 pm

Today was boring. Lets see, what did I do??? --umm I woke up around 1oclock and watched tv with my cat. Had cinnamon toast crunch for breakfast, then Paul got up and I made him buy me mcdonalds since he was going out anyway, so i ate that at around 3 and watched more television.

Im trying to download some songs so i can make a mixed cd but for some fuckin reason my computer wont do it. sooo if anybody is willing to make me a mixed cd, PLEEEASE let me know, ill pay you if you want, and then you can mail the cd to me. PLEASE. music is the only thing i have that keeps me from kililng myself!!

Everyone is telling me to meet pauls friends and i dont want to. im not ready to have a bizillion friends and just open up to these people. NEWSFLASH: my mother just died and im still mourning and grieving, i dont want to spend my days with cocky fuckin people that are just another weight on my shoulders. im not ready to talk to people, let alone trust anybody. and does anybody realize that? noo of course not. its oh introduce yourself to her, go talk to him. how about this -- IF YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO GO TALK TO THEM -- YOU DO IT because i sure as hell dont want to. I just want to either A.move back to florida and live my normal life as best i can or B.stay in this hellhole and not have any friends except Morgan. just stay in my fucked up house in a little fuckin cardboard box and have NO contact with the outside world except my family and Morgan. Just live my fucked up life until i move the fuck out of here.

As soon as i think maybe just maybe things will be okay, shit gets fucked up. im so done with everything. im going to become this bitch who talks to nobody and just sits in her room all day doing nothing. of course sitting in my room all day would be easier if i had a fucking television in it. but of course why would i be so lucky?? I get bitched at almost everyday about something by my new "guardian". and let me tell you something, whether i get a scholarship to a new york school or not, or meet somebody i turn out to love -- im outta here in two fucking years. On October 30, 2006 im back to florida. and im never leaving again, at least not without carly.

And to add even more bullshit, I got my classes for school.. Im in a retarded math class b/c the day i had to take the placement math test i couldnt concentrate for shit, all i thought about was my mom. so now im in a class w/ freshman WOOFUCKINGHOO. so lets compare my shedule from florida with my schedule with new york.

Florida Schedule
1. Sociology/Psychology
2. AP English
3. Algebra 2 honors
4. Marine Biology Honors
5. Law Studies
6. Drama lll
7. Weight Training

New York Schedule
1. Italian
2. English Honors [ I SHOULD BE IN AP]
3. Math$1 [ I SHOULD BE IN MATH 3 AT LEAST]
4. Earth Space Science [WHICH I TOOK IN 8TH GRADE]
5. American History [ I TOOK A. HISTORY HONORS IN 10TH]
6. World History [ I TOOK W.HISTORY HONORS IN 9TH]
7. Gym [TOOK IT IN 9TH]

So yeah, that shit blows a big one. Everything sucks, my whole situation sucks, and to make matters worse I miss my mother sooooo much its indescribable. I just wanna break down sometimes and give up and cry until i cant cry anymore. I dont know how anybody could live without their mom, let alone have a decent life without them. in some part of my heart i have hope that shes just on vacation for a little while longer and shell be back to me soon. God I just wanna hug her one more time.She was so sick for such a long time and I just hate myself for not helping her as much as i could or spending time with her. god i dont deserve to live, she does. didnt god think that he should leave her here b/c i need her. i ned her more then anybody does. i hate my life, this pain is too much, i really just want to die. sometimes i even pray to die. it would be easier on eeveryone.

I feel almost like a person who was adopted, i mean, i dont live with my mother or my father, i dont live with parents, hell its liike i dont have parents. i feel like one of those people who was in an adoption agency and my aunt just picked me. i feel like i have no mother and father anymore, and it kills me to feel like that.

Sometimes i think maybe dying would be easier on me. i almost feel like id be more happy if i were dead. i mean it cant get any worse than it is now. if suicide got me into heaven.. well lets just say id be in heaven. im so sick of the tears!

3 Couldnt Stop | Dream

:: 2004 30 August :: 11.00 pm

bloock paarty
well. to start off this entry ill say this is the first time ive even been remotely happy so far.

tuesday -- i got registered for francis lewis. then i went to h&m and pac sun and got lots of clothes. then i slept at my aunts in buchanan. it was pretty cool, except my gramma got on my nerves a couple times, and its just not the same as shopping with friends ya know??

wednesday -- woke up TOO early and went with my aunt to get her dress fitted for her wedding. [im the maid of honor] and to my luck we found a dress for me to wear to the wedding and we got shoes and accesories so we lucked out. then we got some other things situated for her wedding and i went back to my aunts house.

thursday -- i was supposed to go back to my new home, but my grams car broke down and wasnt fixed yet so we had to stay later. but we went to the dress place and had one last fitting so it could get altered, then we went to eat at this reallly cool restaurant and went back to my aunts house and helped her with decisions for the wedding like catering and dj and stuff like that. afterwards i went back to my aunts and had a HUMONGOUS debate with my grandmother and aunt. grammas wrong - aunt and me are right - end of story lol.

friday -- got up LAAAATE and watched tv til about 5. then grammy and i headed back to queens. i came home, ate a little food and then my dad picked me up. my dad and his wife invited 4girls over to sleep over which i wasnt too pleased about. i felt like i was being rushed into making friends and i just wasnt ready, if i like somebody or want to have a friend, ill do it on my own, i dont need help. [right morgan? =)] anyways, so those 4 gave me a headache for part of the night, but we rented a movie and then i went to bed so it wasnt that bad.

saturday -- BLOCK PARTY!! woke up hella early to help set up. i was soooooooo worn out. then the block party started at about 3. soo many people showed up. i saw morgan which was freaking awesome. me and that girl go waaaaaaaaaay back. she was like my best friend in new york when i was younger, we would do soo much together when i was here. we just clicked and i remember hangin w/ her all the time lol. shes awesome. so i made ONE friend, and thats good enough for me. anyways, so me and her decided since we were really the only people each of us knew, we'd get up together and dance to the songs the dj was playing. so we did the macarena and did the conga line and we won a twisting contest. then after that we played limbo and i was one of the winners. my legs are sooo sore tho. i won a hula hoop, but some loser took it. -- oh well. at least i still have my plastic shoe haha. it was fun, i was glad she was there. no hott guys there tho =\ .. where are those gotti boys!!?!? lol .. anway, so after morgan left the party sucked. the dj got threatened, left early, some old guy kept looking at me, and i went to a movie with my sister. [without a paddle] -- hysterical! then slept at my dads

today i didnt do much, slept at uncle tonys last night and unpacked more crap today. carly i miss you sooooooooooooooooooooo much. heather and everybody else too i miss you more than you can imagine. megz sarah kim all my boys. arggh i miss you!! and mommy. i love you so much!! i miss you. please give me strength.

morgan -- let me know about labor day and about wednesday during the day. im soooo glad i met u and i have u here in new york. idk what id do w/o you. im glad we still have that connection --- xoxoxo

*oh and of course, once danielle leaves florida -- all the shit goes down ..... figures*

2 Couldnt Stop | Dream

:: 2004 26 August :: 2.36 pm
:: Music: wind beneath my wings

so alone
first off-- moms wake was saturday. i went CRAZY. ive never cried so much in my life. it was like i had to experience her death all over again. it was terrible. i miss her so so much nobody even knows.

i have a lot of missed calls-- from carly and heather. sorry that i keep missing them, but i get no service in my house and im not supposed to use my phone unless its a weekend or after nine. ill call you both tonight -- i promise!!!

i talked to mario today, finally had time to call a friend, so i called him and talked to him for a while. i really miss that kid, even after all the bullshit we went through. i talked to pat also. that kids still a fuckin riot. i really wanna talk to maura and jimmer, but theyre always at work. i sent out letters to sarah, megan, carly, and justin. im in the middle of writing ones to carly, heather, and john. im plannin on more. no worries guys. oh yea, i talked to kevin last night. only for a little while tho, but hey, every minute counts right? and im talkin to ricky now, so i guess im keeping in touch with some people, but i wish id talk to them more. its like rj disappeared off the earth, and some of my other friends just arent trying, but whatever, im not in the mood to complain. ha.

lets see, what have i been up to lately??? well saturday was moms wake, [wont get into that anymore], i went to get registered at francis lewis high school, now i just have to get an appointment with a guidance counselor for my schedule. I got a few more things for school. spent like 150$ on it. I went with my aunt so she could show me her wedding dress.. it was magnificent on her. while we were at the dress shop, i found one that looked good on me, so i got it, and get accesories and shoes, and now im all set for the wedding, i just have to find out how im going to do my hair. [im the maid of honor]. i guess thats about it, there were a few more little things, but eh. who cares.

im trying to get to florida asap. but it doenst look to good, theyre scared of soemthing that might happen to me or some bullshit story like that-- but hopefully ill be there around christmastime. im aloud to have people come visit me during my birthday [oct 30] but it dont look like anybodys really interested in that.

lately ive been having really sad days, where i just think about all the bad stuff in my life and the bad shit happening to me and i cant get around it. its just so hard for me to think positive. i mean, shit, i left my best friend and other kickass awesome friends, i left guys that i really really really liked, i left my house, which by the way is being sold - god damnit - and my moms gone. i just cant seem to think positive in this situation.

i look at pictures of my friends and guys i liked and/or like and i just wanna break down, im starting school soon, i have no friends and im extremely jealous of all of my friends. jealous that carlys got a guy like frank who likes her, jealous that heather and all the rest of my friends are friends with the guy(s) i wanna be with, jealous that my friends still have a life and are having fun and brushing off their shoulders the fact that im gone, and just forgetting about me. jealous that my friends have other friends they can count on or hug. jealous that my friends have MOTHERS. and just jealous that everybody at some point seems happy. not a day goes by that i dont cry, or wish i was dead, or think about my friends and how i feel like im being replaced by some of them. i go crazy thinking, and i dont know what to do. i just wanna go home, i wanna feel loved and thats one of the last things im feeling here.

im not asking for pity, or for anybody to have a guilt trip or anything like that, im just asking that if ur a friend who truly cares about me, pleeeease try to keep in touch, because thats all i live my life for. i live my life for my cat and my friends. and once i feel liike those friends are gone, its almost like the point of living isnt worth the cost of the pain. i just cant go on. not w/o my mom and not w/o my friends. my friends are my leaning posts now that my moms gone, i have NOTHING except my friends.. and i hope you all realize how much im counting on you.. cuz one day my life may depend on it.

i miss you so much carly and heather!!! and mel and mario and everyfuckingbody i miss you all soooooooooooooooooooooo much. please please help me through this. i really need you. i need you all.

<33 i miss you mommy <33

6 Couldnt Stop | Dream

:: 2004 19 August :: 9.44 pm
:: Music: b. spears - everytime

.. breaking down ..
hey everybody. whats up? sorry i havent had time to write in this thing for a while, but my computer is TERRIBLE!!. i now cant comment in journals for some odd reason, so if i dont comment its not cause i dont care, its cause i CANT. lol

uhm.. whats been going on? uh my moms wake/mass/funeral thing is saturday. im buggin out completely. im so nervous and i feel like i cant do it. like im gonna break and fall apart right then and there. the second i walk into that church im going to break down. i feel like i have no moral support and i need somebody there to hold me up and pat me on the back and tell me everythings going to be okay-- even tho it isnt.

i miss my friends sooo much. and it seems like nobodys really trying to keep in touch with me. .. actually i take that back, very few have been trying. very few IM me first, or email me or written me letters, and only two people have called me. guess it shows who your true friends are huh? i always thought id have you guys for life.. guess i was wrong. i feel like im losing everybody i love the most right before my eyes, and im being replaced in an instant. when i come back to visit .. i just dont know who'll even want to see me. a lot of my friends told me .. oh ill miss you so much, it wont be the same without you, i love you, ill kit... yea, well actions speak louder than words.

i feel so alone. i feel like i should just give up. give up on friends. love. laughter. family. health. doctors. luck. life. just give up completely. i feel hate for almost everybody in my life right now. i feel so betrayed and just so-- blah. i dont know. but i feel so angry with everybody. like everybody took my mother from me, and now i blame everybody for it. maybe its just my grieving process.. maybe this feeling will never go away. but what i do know is that right now. im angry at the world. and i try not to be angry or upset with god, but ....... truth is i am. all i want is my mother. thats it. and that wish is never going to be fufilled... at least not for a long time.

i guess im just really depressed tonight. idk. i went to get flowers for my mom for the funeral yesterday, and the stupid florist was telling me that i have to be strong, i dont have a choice and i can do it. and i have to be strong. i felt like punching the bitch in the face. she doesnt know what it feels like. god im so depressed. i just dont know what to do anymore.

i had more deep stuff to say, but im just getting distracted. lately ive been doing nothing really. went to church to set up for the wake, been spending time at kristinas. went to the bungalo.. dont get me into that. had a few lectures, cried as usual. had a few laughs, they didnt last long.. but then again, no happiness has been lasting long lately.

whatever, i guess ill get going. bye

<3 i will love you always and forever. you are in my heart everyday. BNS <3 god i miss youu

----------------

6 Couldnt Stop | Dream

:: 2004 11 August :: 11.47 pm

to all my friends who helped me through it all and that i miss oh so much.
You'll never remember the tests you failed,
but you'll always remember the person you were with the night you decided not to study for that test.

I`m thinking of you. Are you thinking of me? I`m missing you tonight. Are you missing me too? I`m so lonely without you. I wonder are you? Wishing you by my side. Do you wish it too? This vast distance, The miles between us, Drives me crazy. are you crazy too? My love stretches, All these miles to you. Can you feel the love, I give to you? I miss you like crazy, I`m so incomplete, I crawl into bed, Then cry myself to sleep.

i dont remember how we happened to meet each other. i dont remember who got along with who first, all i can remember is all of us together.. always

i looked up at the sky and saw a single star. i closed my eyes and made a wish and sent it verrry far. hopefully it will reach you and you'll make my wish come true. so that when i turn around ... all i'll see is you

I dont think we are meant to make sense of things. Bad things just occur & we're left to pick up the pieces. I guess that's what we're all doing all the time, just picking up the pieces

there are things you dont want to happen-- but you gotta accept it. there are things you dont wanna know-- but you gotta learn. and there are people you cant live without-- but you have to let go.

When I was little I had this idea that life could be perfect. That if you were careful enough, you'd never make a mistake, never be lonely, never be misunderstood, never be frightened, but it doesn't work that way. Life is big and messy, and you just have to climb in it with your boots on and hope for the best.

You`ll know that you miss someone very�much when everytime you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick "hello" from that person can bring the broken pieces�back

wen i felt like dyin givin up n quit tryin
u dint tell me its gonna be ok b.c u aint
about lyin . but you hold me bac when
im yelling wipe my tears when im cryin
n let me no im not alone in the battles
im fightin

[Ladies] n [Gentlemen] .. without further adue id like to present the [Ladies] thats stayed true. theres [Megan] louder than life, but always real n theres [Michelle] who always adds to the deal, theres [Carly] my one and only twin, no way to count how mubh trouble [Jessica] gets in. when [Sarahs] on stage she kicks major ass
[Melissa's] so damn smart she's passin every class.[Wick] makes me laugh at any kinda shit [Heathers] always hyper actin like a full time ditz [Rea's] madd crazy& [Jessie] is too .. to all my girls i love you

i miss and love ya'll soo much.. my boys too!!!

5 Couldnt Stop | Dream

:: 2004 11 August :: 12.44 pm
:: Music: papa roach - last resort

My Last Resort
I wish I could see my mother one more time.
I wish I could move back to florida with my real family and real friends.
I wish my life in New York was better.
I wish my mom didnt have to go through so much pain her whole life.
I wish I could have helped my mom out more.
I wish I spent more time with my mom.
I wish I didnt feel so alone.
I wish I could trade spots with my mother.
I wish I could be held by her one more time.
I wish she could hold me one more time.
I wish I could go back in time.
I wish there was a cure for scleroderma.
I wish all my pain would go away.
I wish I could bring my mother back.
I wish my heart didnt hurt this much.
I wish my mother would be able to attend my wedding.
I wish my mother would be able to meet her grandkids.
I wish I could be with my mother.
I wish I expressed to my mom how much I love her, how much she means to me, and how sorry I am for everything.
I wish my life wasnt so shitty.
I wish I had luck with guys.
I wish I could call my friends anytime I want and see them anytime I want.
I wish my wish list ends here
I wish.. wishes came true

-----------------------------------------------------

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die pleading
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mudilation out of sight
And I'm contimplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on my chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
finding nothing but questions and devils
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mudilation out of sight
And I'm contimplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on living this way
Nothing's alright

4 Couldnt Stop | Dream