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2004 11 August :: 12.26 am
i love yoou
might as well shatter my hopes and dreams and heart now.
holy shiiiat carly is the fucking best and i dont even think she knows it lol. dont ever forget what we talked about today!
lets go feed the ducks.. quack quack -- thats your boy lmfao. xoxox i love you so much babe
crotch and dick -- sticking together forever!! lol eeeeww
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2004 9 August :: 11.03 pm
:: Music: seether - broken
blahh
ahhh hey! i havent updated in like a lifetime. i miss absolutely everybody in florida its not even funny. school starts september 13th. long ass summer eh? if anybody wants my new number, just ask.
summers been pretty crappy. i have okay days and really horrible days where all i think of is my mom. and i guilt trip myself and i go crazy and cry hysterically. i would give anything to hug her one more time...
i cant wait til my sweet 16. i might get my tongue pierced, at least i hope so. im aloud to have friends fly up for my birthday, maybe i can get my dad to pay for a ticket or something, but i reaaaaaaaaaallly want carly to come since she got her tongue pierced nad she can come w/ me when i get it done so i have moral support. cuz i wanna get it done but im scared shitless.
i talked to carly today and yesterday. heather joe mich and jess called. i also talked to rj, i still didndt get to talk to the boys and mike d. yet. which i hope to do soon. oh and i talked to my mel and wickee and zach and kevin. im soooo glad to have you in my life still .. oh yea i talke to mario for a lil while too. and christine. it was good to talk to everybody
i miss everybody so much. i really wish i could come home. i cant wait to see you all again. love life sucks, i only left ppl i like in FLORIDA. god life really blows. ya know, somebody today told me all they need is a gun......... me too.
but im gonna go, i could write more, but my mind is blocked, im tired and confused and not me. soooo ill just write later. xoxo
and thanks justin for changing ur profile, i promise that letter will get to you shortly!!
i love you alll!! kim i send my looooove!
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2004 1 August :: 11.02 pm
i neeeeeed her
hey, ya know.. i think about it -- and i do miss my friends, a lot.. more than i can say. but i miss my mother even more.
my mom dealt with such difficult physical pain. so hard and so long. but i really think my emotional pain is almost as bad as her physical pain .. but not as bad -- my mother is the strongest and most amazing and incredible person i know.
i think back and realize that i was s uch a shitty daughter. i never looked at the big picture with my mom. never realized how sick she was, and i never helped her. it was always me me me. where i want to go to dinner, what i wanna watch, what i wanna do. wherever i wanna go. it was always me. never once did she do what she wanted, or eat what she wanted, or go where she wanted, she did everything in her power to make me happy.
and she never complained never ever ever did she complain. i just feel like if i did thigns different maybe she would have lived longer, or not been in so much pain. i feel liek i didnt prove to her how much i love her. and now i cant.
its like my mom got jipped... she was the one who disciplined me, and made me eat my vegetables and she wa the one who told me NO... and she did everything to make me the way i am today, and i gave her no credit.. i never chose to stay home and really hang out with her .. and now i wish i did. she's made such sacrafices for me ... and never once did i thank her for them. i mean talk about a bad daughter.
i wish i could have done more things to make her feel loved and special. because she is the most special thing in my life. she was always so beautiful.. even when she passed she was beautiful. i just want to hug her, i want to say things to her i never said. i want her to know how much i love her and how sorry i am for everything.
i try to think -- shes in a better place, she's with god and jesus and she's being taken care of. but i need her in my life. i cant go on without her, i just cant. everythign makes me think of her. i have so much to say on this subject but im crying so much and losing my train of thought. i need her, when something good happens i wanna go "hey mom.. listen to this.." but i cant. when somethign bad happens i wanan say "mom this stupid bitch..." but i cant.
fact is i dont have the most important thing in my life anymore, and nobody knows how i feel. nobody saw my mom suffer, nobody didnt know what to do. nobody has had so many close calls, nobody has been as scared as me when they had to call the ambulance for their mom. nobody knows exactly how i feel. nobody lived with the strongest person in the world and watched them suffer, and was mistaken for somebody, and never heard her complain, and never saw her beautiful eyes cry, and never saw her smile.. nobody saw it like i did. and now i cant see it anymore. and it kills me. i really just wanna die. i want my mommy. i cant go on without her. i know shes my guardian angel, but i dont want her as my guardian angel, i want her as my mother, here on earth!!
i could say more.. but my eyes hurt from crying so im going to bed.. ill write more later. and just so everybody knows, you may not be so fond of your parents now.. but when they're gone it hurts more then you'll ever think. so my advice is make it last, let them know you care, and when you get a chance to say i love you -- take it.
a piece of my heart is missing.... and its never coming back
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2004 1 August :: 1.08 pm
i missssssss youuu
hey everybody. im in new york =\ i miss everybody soo soo soooo much!!
my kitty and doggie are here with me. they got here friday night!! im sorry if i havent called anybody lately, its just hard for me to get to a phone and get to a computer, so its going to be a lot harder to kit then i thought. but we'll make it work. i know we will.
again, everybody for attending my mothers wake, you all touched me so much and im so glad my mom got to see how much you cared for her. if any of my friends want me to send them letters that would be awesome. just give me ur addressses.. i already got justin and johns.
i have no idea when ill be able to visit, but itll be asap i promise. idk what im gonna do til school starts, you guys go back in 10 days, i go back in a month and 10 days. ive been hangin out with my two cousins lately, they're cool.. but nothign compared to my friends.
but i gotta go.. again. so i guess i cant update with everything i wanted to update about. oh well.. figures =\
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxx ---- carly heather mich rj wick zach joe ricky colt mike pat mario kevin landis tyler megan nicki frank erik jordan jon melis ange .. i miss you all sooooo much plus all my other friends, i dont have enough time to write you all down cuz im in a rush to go. but u know who you are xoxoxo hope to see you sooooooon
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2004 23 July :: 5.40 pm
i will miss you all.. and to all my friends who attend; thank you for coming to my mothers wake. it is much appreciated.
i move sunday =\
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2004 21 July :: 3.13 am
Rest In Peace Bambina N. Sucich.
12:50a.m.
I love you so much and I'm sorry that i didn't have a chance to tell you that. I apologize for all our problems and hope you know how much i love you. You will always be with me.
I'm going to miss you so much..
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2004 19 July :: 3.02 am
:: Mood: crushed
inflict the pain on me!!
well, today was one of the worst days i think ive ever had.
i wake up at like 845 to leave joes house which meant i got like 5 hours of sleep tops. i come home and my grandma's getting ready to go pick up my aunt from the airport. i had this whole big plan to go to bed, but of course it doesnt work out. I watched my mom cuz i didnt wanna take the risk of me falling asleep and her not being able to wake me up if she needed me, so i stayed up and sat next to her while i tried to put her to bed. I had to get her up to take her to the bathroom and she was extremely weak, i then layed her back down and she gasped for air saying that her chest hurt. my grandma came home right in the nick of time and we left for the emergency room. we got at the er at like 1145am and sat in some examining room til 745pm.. do you know how pissed i was?!! so pissed. my mom was sittin so uncomfortably and i wante to grab every fuckin doc. and nurse and strangle them u have no idea. id give anything, anything to be in my mommas place right now. she's so weak and helpless.. i try to pick her up for her and she cant hold up her head so it just wobbles back like she has whiplash or something.. its terrible.. and she mistakened me for heather, i about cried.
after we get back from the hospital FINALLY.. i come home and realize another god damn problem, i shouldnt mention it, but idk who the fuck did it, why the fuck they did it, how the fuck they did it, or what the fuck they wanted but they caused my ass a lot of fuckin drama. and if i get in trouble for this shit -- its on! and if my mom finds out about it and gets even more sick.. oh kids watch your back, you dont fuck w/ my mom -- not my pride and joy, shes what i live for. oooh buddy i was so heated.
so my grandma and i are trying to figure out what to do for my mom because obviously when school starts she's going to need somebody to take care of her, so either we need to get a home nurse to be with her 24/7 ... or put her in a rehab w/ nurses so they can put her on the tpn and give her nutrients and help her get stronger, and have me live w/ a friend for part of the school year, momma and i move back to new york .. or danielle drops out of school to take care of her mother. none of those options sound that appealing eh?
the worst part is, all i can do is sit there, right next to her bed, and look at her and how skinny she is and her droopy face and say can i get u anything. thats all i can fuckin do and i think thats one of the worst things ever. to not be able to say i know how you feel or help take some of the pain off.. it kills. i pray for her, nothin changes, if i could change places w/ her i would in a heartbeat. she was saying today how she's never felt so bad and she never wishes this much pain on someone. well guess what I WISH IT UPON MYSELF. I WISH TO TAKE AS MUCH PAIN AS POSSIBLE OFF OF MY MOTHER AND PUT IT ONTO ME. IF YOU NEED A SUCICH TAKE ME. MY MOM DOESNT DESERVE TO DIE OR BE THIS SICK, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST GENEROUS, KIND, LOVING, WARMHEARTED PEOPLE EVER and if i lose her i dont know what ill do.. i try to stay strong and not cry in front of her but it doesnt work.
i just wish there was something i could do.. thanks carly for helping me today and being there in case they cuffed me lol. zach thanks for brightening my day as usual, and thanks ricky for makin me crack the hell up lol. it was a good convo at 2am lol.
other than that, last night was nuts, we spent forever trying to find a hotel, finally got one and got kicked out -- oh and we went thru the drive thru w/ no car yea, the girls working deff. laughed haha. oh well. i got shitfaced a few nights ago, it was worht it tho.. but i havent drank since then, not even at the hotel. but imma get going cuz its 3am and i need to get up early in the am to see my momma.
please, i beg everybody who reads this and even those who dont. please pray for my mom. i need her more then i can admit or say, and i think id die w/o her. id be a lost soul. she is too awesome for this pain and i just hope somebody can help her in some way. please put the pain on me.. not my mom. i deserve it, im a bitch im a fuckup im this im that. TEACH ME A LESSON, NOT MY MOMMY. and i also hope all the other sick ppl get better - - - > kim, yvonne, lee ... everybody. my prayers are with you and i hope yours are with me.
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