So, I got a tattoo last night. Cool experience, actually. The artist was really nice. It's not what I really wanted in general, but he drew it out for me, and I thought it was neat. It's growing on me, and I think I'm going to add onto it anyways. Tell me what you think.. honestly!!
Anyways, life's been pretty boring as of lately. Just working the arby's, and.. uhm, hanging out with Shane. That's basically it. Cannot wait to go out and do something different for a change. aghh.
well, I smell like stale curly fries and week-old roast beef, so I'm gonna.. well, i'm sure you know the drill.
::
2008 26 September :: 6.13pm
:: Music: psycho - puddle of mudd
Maybe I'm the one who is a schizophrenic psycho..
So, I hate this. Well, my one college class I decided to start out with. It blows, fer real. It reminds me wayyyy too much of high school, and that was a major fear of mine when going into college.
Oh well, if I wanna make something of myself, which I do, then I'll have to suffer. Plus, the 3-5 year waiting list to get into the nursing program.. ugh, fuck me. but hey, I guess I can just work, make some money. doesn't sound TOO bad.
Man, I have been in the worst moods lately. Don't know what it is. I haven't been taking my meds like I usually do.. so I dunno. That could be why I feel like ripping everyone to shreds. I'm not usually that bad with this stuff, but dang. I need to calm down, or take a tranquilizer. geesh.
I took about 5 days off from work the first week of October, though. I'm super-excited. I'm going to Holland, staying with my dad. (damn, it feels good to say that) Maybe go to dinner, shop a little bit with Leesh. I dunno, I'm just gonna relax and do whatever I feel like. Besides sleep, 'cause that's all I feel like doing lately. Maybe I'm getting sick, who knows?
Anyways, I'm goin' out to Honeycreek to see my mom, then to meijer's to buy oil for my car that burns it in about 2 days, annnnd then maybeee.. a movie or somethin'?
I'll update this thing more. I actually missed spewing life's events onto it. I feel better already.
I filled out my app for degree yesterday and Pichot turned it in to the office today. I'm graduating in May. This is the weirdest, scariest feeling I've felt since those four months in France. And I feel bad eating Tums like candy here.
Classes are going okay. Ceramics class sucks because on a scale from one to a lot, I have negative five art skills. And there are art students in class even though the title specifically says FOR NON-MAJORS. GET OUT OF MY CLASS, ART KIDS, YOU'RE MAKING MY BAD ART LOOK WORSE.
French is god-awful. I shouldn't expect a 400 level French class to be not hard but it is terrible. We watched four versions of Madame Bovary and for our test on Monday he expects us to tell all the movies apart by director's name. I cannot tell them apart. There's the French color one, the American black and white one, the French black and white one and the British miniseries. But if you ask me, vrai ou faux, dans la film de Renoir, Léon a cassé la vitre avec son main, I couldn't tell you.
Everything else is okay. Tai Chi is making my legs hurt. 1776 is playing at Civic theatre and I'm planning on seeing it this weekend.
OH! Will.i.am is coming to my school on Sunday. Crazy, right? I am pumped.
Hurricane Ike was rather bothersome; power was out for a few days. Got eaten alive by mosquitoes. Not cool. I think the bites are starting to fade now.
Being sick makes me think too much. Also, it makes me inclined to be far too impulsive. After all, life is too short when you're looking at it from the viewpoint of someone not feeling well. It makes me want to just save up as much money possible and find a way to start that long-term era of being with that boy.
It makes me feel like there's absolutely no reason to be so cautious with life -- like I shouldn't bother with doing things "the right way" (by others' standards) or anything like that. Like I should be doing what I want, what I feel is right.
Now... that's a very dangerous mindset. I'm sure it'll fade a wee bit once I'm healthy again, but it's always there, honestly. When not sick, it's easier to think more.. clearly, I guess you'd say. Rationally. Responsibly. Like I should be thinking. :P
::
2008 17 September :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Walking Through the Forest - Dan Gibson
Well
I guess I'll restrict my thoughts to here
I'm listening to this soothing music
Its trying to relax me, but my mind just isn't having it.
Is all that I hope for really not on the line?
My little bird whispers a sweet melody in my ear
It speaks of the love we share and how pure and wonderful it is
The little bird speaks of how he'd like to always stay with me.
How everything that is his, is mine
I kiss him and put him back in his cage and leave--go about my day
But even if I could lock the cage, he has the key.
When I go away, little birdy, I know you do too..
Where is it that you go?
I wait a little while, wait until I hear the latch let up, hear the window open, hear you flit out and away into the horizon.
I turn the corner and watch you go.
But I always wonder, that when I come back, will you be there like nothing happened.
Just like always?
But I suppose you aren't a little birdy
Tonight, you're out hunting
I hope you are safe
You say you're hunting for me, and I know that its true.
You placed some of your night's rewards in my hands.
I was relunctant to accept your gift.. I know it is one of pure love. That's why I don't understand how to accept it.
No one's ever given me a gift of that sort.
But I accepted it, and forced a smile.
I know you wish to make me smile.
You go out sometimes to collect that sweet smelling herb to relieve my stress.
You truly are a sweet little bird.
I lay here now and enjoy the herb, and I know that somewhere, you are too.
I miss you
I wonder if you noticed the thin golden chain wrapped around your ankle.
Yes, it will never come off, but it is not there so that I you may never escape me.
In fact, I didn't even put it there; you did.
Do you see that the little chain leads all the way back to me?
Into a wound on my chest; an incision not yet healed. Forever new, always with fresh stitches.
The chain is pierced in my heart, I was you could see the intricacy of the piercings, it really is a work of art. And every time you smile, a new piercing is put in place, making the chain ever more secure.
And you may pull as hard as you might, but this chain is not the type that breaks.
But this flesh is easily destroyed.
And should you pull hard enough, the stitches would come loose; you would pull my heart straight from my chest.
You could be free then.
I wonder if that will be a day I will ever have to face.
Please God
Let me keep my little bird in this cage forever.
You know I am a creature of love, and I will never do him wrong.
Please, give me this one gift, if nothing else.
Please let me keep my little bird.
SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE FUCKING HEAD.
i DON'T WANT TO BE IN HERE ANYMORE
I DON'T WANT TO THINK
PLEASE EMPTY A LOADED TWO BARRELL SHOT GUN INTO MY SKULL AND TURN MY BRAIN INTO LIQUIFIED GOODNESS
I would prefer not to exist at all than to suffer through existance.
Life should go on?
What if you've lost the one thing you were living for?
What happens then?
Why should one have to live when they don't want to?
What's the meaning in suffereing through life?
! الحمد لله
I started my last year of college last week. I do not want to talk about how much this is freaking me out.
I am so sorry that I haven't updated lately but things have been crazy. On Mondays and Thursdays, I have class from 9am - 7pm with 5 minutes between classes and work crammed in there too. Otherwise, I have one or two classes.
Here's the rundown:
Mondays/Thursdays
I have Cartography at 9. This class is awesome because I've always wanted to be a useless cartographer and it's taught by Bieneman. Did I ever tell you I had his wife in elementary school? She was my fourth grade teacher. Her mother passed away this week.
At 10:50, I go to work until 1:25.
Don't even get me started on these new kids. They deserve their own post.
At 1:40, I have French Film and Lit. It's only the second week of school and I already am just reading the SparkNotes. The class would be so much less painful with you girls but I'm surviving okay with...the one girl whose name I still don't know after four years and some other girl.
Five minutes after the end of French class, I have Ceramics. It's really just a class to help me calm down but I've already broken two pots and found two very not artistic buddies. I am so not artsy.
Five minutes after the end of feeling dumb, I have Arabic. Which is, quite frankly, awesome. It is difficult but a ton of fun. I feel like such a genius when I get a word right or when I understand what's going on. Also: heritage! I hope I get to talk to my mom's relatives before the kick the bucket because now I know my blood languages (as my mom calls it).
Tuesdays/Fridays
I have a confession to make. Because I couldn't afford the textbook and he stressed homework so much, I dropped my history class. So now I have to take it next semester.
In other news, at 10:50, I have Tai Chi. Which is reaching Folk and Square Dance in awesomeness. The prof learned Tai Chi directly from some famous family who created a form of Tai Chi. He is a hoot. I have a thousand stories from him. He fell off a curb and landed on cement about a year ago and had trouble walking again. His hip hurt when he walked so he couldn't walk across the room until he tried doing Tai Chi. When he walked by doing his Tai Chi moves, his hip didn't hurt any more. Since he is injured, his wife does most of the demonstrations. She also helps him remember how old he is when he adds thirteen years to his age. Both of them are pretty old, 60s and 70s, but they are hilarious. He calls himself Monk and his wife Natalie Teager. Most of the class is taken up by his stories.
On Tuesdays, I have Arabic at 6 (work before that (10:50 to 5) but I have Arabic only Mondays through Thursdays so I just have Tai Chi and work on Fridays.
On Wednesdays, I am not working for the first time in my life. So all I have is Arabic at 6. I sleep, I read, I do homework, I relax.
Overall, this semester is awesome but very stressful. I have a lot of work ahead of me.
I always hate the end of summer, but I guess it's different this time because I have no where I need to be.
I feel like I wasted my summer, but I know that isn't true. I just can't help but feeling like things could be a million times better I could be doing something right now instead of watching the National Geographic channel and updating stuff on the internet.
I hate thinking like this. Things are the way they are and that's it.
I hate thinking about how things could be different and how much I want things to be the way they were.
ahahsldkfjsldkfj
I need to not think about this anymore.
