well i just got home from rehearsal. it wasn't that bad. the dance was freaking easy, although we havent really done much with the real dance break. i'm tortured at these rehearsals though. i am too shy!!! damn it!! those of you who know me are probably saying "what?!!? shy??!?" because i'm not a shy person. but when you throw me into a crowd of people who i dont know i tend to back off, so i'm quiet, especially around the hot girl!! its so hard for me to talk to her, and usually i'm good with girls but i'm not in my element. but sometimes i catch her looking at me so i think she might think i'm cute or at least be somewhat intrigued by me. i'll eventually come out of my shell and be cool with everyone but i need time. ok so i see the anonymous commentor has left another comment. TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!! lol i love the comments, they are cute and flattering but i want to know who you are! ok well i guess i should address the fact that ruben won american idol. i wasnt really a fan of either of them, i thought they both were good so it didnt make much of a difference to me. Well i bid you ado.

well i just finished a bunch of chores to earn some cash to buy Enter the Matrix, the new matrix video game for PS2. I thought i'd write in here because i have a lot on my mind but half of it i cant really say here so i'm going to do what i always do, i'm going to be vague. first off i have this weird feeling towards all the seniors. not a sad depressed feeling that they are leaving...not at all. it hasnt really affected me. i dont like it when they come back this week though, and expect everyone to be all "yay you're back" and act like we havent seen them in a year, we just saw you last week. it annoys me. go live your lifes, you all have been bitching about wanting to leave all year well now's your chance why are you still here? secondly girls. today i cleaned out my car and found a lot of things that reminded me of the simpler times, of the good times and it kind of made me sad. i hate the way things have turned out in some aspects of things. i just dont feel needed like i used to or like i matter as much, i'm still here, you're not. I dont like it when i'm not the focus, it kills me, especially when someone/something takes my place as the focus. this has nothing to do with drama by the way. so i'm a little stand offish right now. i'm not looking forward to rehearsal tonight...we are choreographing 76 Trombones, argh the dance break is a million years long!!! one last thing, i'm strangely drawn to something that i shouldnt be drawn to and its bad. thats all i have to say for now, if you didnt understand some of these things i'm sorry, please dont ask me what any of this means because i wont tell you. bread crumbs (steph co).

Ok well i'm writing in this a little earlier in the day instead of my usual one after rehearsal. I might just write in here twice today, what a treat for everyone who reads this, haha. ok well today was a fun day. i took two tests, who cares. i stayed after school and helped with the musical theatre outfits - ok i didnt help i just hung out with the people. hung out with some people that i havent hung out with in a while, it was fun. i'm not quite sure what to say about girls right now. it seems like i have a bunch of options as to what to do with my love life right now and i'm not sure which road to take. i have a girl that i love but cant be with, then i have an infatuation who lives far away and i'm barely friends with, then there are a number of girls who apparently want me (at least i think they do). Well i dont know what the heck to do. i'm waiting to see if the admirers leave any more comments here or if they'll freaking tell me who they are! well time for dinner, maybe i'll write again tonight. hasta

well good evening friends. just got home from rehearsal. it was fun tonight, we did some singing and some dancing. yay. still didnt grab a spoon...BUT I WILL! when the time is right. ummm so it seems i have a hand full of admirers here...wow...what do i say to that, except thanks? i wish i knew who you guys were. but you dont really need to get hostile in your comments, especially with the whole "justin braun is mine" sorry but i dont know who you are so i'm not yours!!! ok well today was weird without the seniors, fun though. i felt all senior like. drama was strange since we lost so many seniors, only half the class is there but its kind of cool. i do miss some of the seniors though...now i shall address how sexually frustrated i am. there its been addressed. i'm also in a flirty mood - hence my flirty mood at the top. i didnt want to come home tonight, i wanted to hang out with the music man people but we all had to leave. boo. well maybe next time. Goodnight folks.

well today wasnt the greatest day in the world. i got up and went to see The Music Man at North Broward Middle School. It was a mockery of that show, i dont want to discuss it either. after that i went to see The Last Five Years at Florida Stage with a bunch of drama people. eh. i was in a bad mood to start due to my mom yelling and crying at me because of my forging of her signature. so that dampened my mood. they think i'm on drugs, i know they do, they asked once and anytime i'm not in a good mood or i'm over tired or i dont look well they start to think i'm on drugs. I'M NOT ON FUCKING DRUGS!!! it insults me that they think that. and my mom said to me "come clean with me" like she was expecting me to tell her about how i do drugs. how dare they not believe me when i say that i'm not on drugs. ugh it upsets me. i dont know what i want from life right now. i'm very confused. i dont really feel i can talk to anyone about anything. even my best friends. i mean sure i still talk to people but i just dont feel comfortable. i just dont know what to say about anything. i need change, i used to say that i hate change but now i realize that i live for change that i strive for it, it keeps me alive.

well hello there, banquet just ended. it was mad fun. today wasn't that great of a day actually. i went to 2nd hour and then sent in a fake note to the office to get myself a blue pass so i could leave and go see The Matrix during 4th and 5th hour, well my pass never came and i didnt find out until later that they knew it was forged and called my parents (who are really pissed now). Well i did another puppet show in math, it was a hit as usual. after school i had an eye doctor appointment and then I drove chris to the banquet. i didnt really feel up to going but once i got there i felt better and had lots of fun. i'm excited for next year, really excited. there are so many things i plan to do, its going to be the best year yet. i'm going to see The Music Man at North Broward tomorrow, i need someone to go with though so if you wanna go call me tomorrow before 2pm (thats when the show starts). well i must go to bed, i'm sooooooo very tired. Goodnight.

"Love isn't perfect, love is just love."

Good evening. today was a pretty good day. i did my 3-part project today and everyone liked it. hurray. i have musical theatre final thing tomorrow which i'm a little nervous about. tonight's rehearsal was grrrreeat! i'm starting to talk to people more and getting to know them. Plus i'm starting to talk to the hot girl more, hurray hot girl. shes really nice too, funny, shes got personality. well thats enough about her. ummmmmm i'm still horny. boo hormones. i miss kissing too. especially the really sensual kisses, those are the grrrrrrrrreatest. well thats all folks!

Well my mood says it all! I'M HORNY! but there isnt much i can do about it, theres really only one girl i wanna do anything with but i cant, so i just have to stick to the justin braun method (joke, i dont really do that anymore). well today i slept for an hour in 1st period, it was nice. i have a drama project due tomorrow which i'm working on right now. i had to scrap my original idea which was brilliant because i dont have the time or people to do it with so this one is a smaller scale one that just isnt as great. rehearsal tonight.......my driving force tonight.....probably still wont grab a spoon tonight....the only person that knows what i'm talking about doesnt read my journals...lol. i'm so tired i dont even want to go to rehearsal i just want to stay home and sleep. alright i need to go work on my drama project. GOODNIGHT LADIES! GOODNIGHT LADIES!! GOODNIGHT LADIES WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE YOU NOW!

Good evening folks. well today was a pretty good day. i had rehearsal at 1pm which was the biggest waste of my time, i got there and only about 6 other people showed up so we sat there for an hour and then decided to go home. boooo that. so i came home gave my mom flowers and lounged around playing video games. umm i went in the pool for a little, did a play review, ate, came online and made a new friend. hurray new friends. tonight i spent a little while trying to find something out about my new controlling force in life which i failed to obtain. argh! well maybe soon i will be able to do it. ok well i've said enough for the night. i'm watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion on TV. good movie. well i say good day!

"Dude, meet me in Montana

xoxo
Jesus Christ"

Well today was a great day. it started off bad and i thought that the rest of the day would suck but it didnt, it just kept getting better. i didnt really do anything until i went to visit a few people that were going to prom to see them in their dresses. after that begun my amazing night which i call "The Other Prom." It started with me and Joe Vitar bowling, which i bowled my best scores ever! I got a 123 on the first game, and a 138 on the second. And I thought it was just gonna be me and joe for the night but then, alex brovenick showed up followed by the Susskind twins, Emily Cohen, Laurie Dunn and Steven Avalos!! So we all were hanging out, i havent seen the susskind twins in ages and havent talked to emily or laurie in ages either so it was great to talk to them. then we all went to Coldstones and visited Rachel Mochan, she was so excited to see us. then we met up with Jesse and Emily Dunn and then we started going all over the place taking these crazy pictures, which was soo cool. we went everywhere, talked to random people, took random pictures in random places, it was great!! this was one of the best nights ever!! it was so fun to hang out with people i dont usually hang out with. but alas the night had to come to an end, which was very sad. ugh it was so great. The Other Prom was a success! oh and all the people who were upset about prom before prom saying "oh justin i'm going to call you during prom, i wish i could go with you..." yeah whatever, bullcrap, havent gotten any calls (not that i expected them or anything) tomorrow they will come running to me telling me how great prom was and blah blah blah, well it couldnt of been better than my night because mine ROCKED!! And i leave you with this...

"With every ending, there is a new beginning."

well i havent written in a couple days. sorry, been busy. ok well life has become much better since last journal entry when i had my ephiphony. my view on life has definately changed and i am starting to mature and become a better person. i'm not the same asshole i was before, i'm maturing, although its going to take more than a week to mature so dont expect me to be a completely new person tomorrow, give me a while. my situation is now so much better. taking a break for maturity is a great idea, and fate will bring us back together so we can get married. ok what else, oh we started doing quartet stuff last night at rehearsal. TOUGH SHIT! its soooooo hard, i didnt realize how hard it is to sing 4 part harmony when you are the only person singing your part. i am the baritone and i have the hardest parts. but its going to sound good once we get it going cuz we are all good singers but we just need to learn our parts. oh today in gym i had a major athletic accomplishment. I won a game of horse against a bunch of jock guys and then i won a game of 21 against the same jock guys! they are like good basketball players too but i kicked their asses!! i felt so good, they felt dumb. i mean wow come on the president of the drama department beat a bunch of jocks at their own game!!!! suckers. well bowling is tomorrow night, it looks to be me, axel, and joe vitar. random group but it should be damn fun, better than prom anyhow. well i must go now and catch up on playing video games. bye bye! congrats to all those who made it into musical theatre, welcome aboard!

well i havent written in this in a while. there are good reasons for that. i have gone through the worst time of my life in the past week. i wont go into specifics about it but it wasnt pretty. and now i am starting to pull out of it, i would like to make a public statement to whomever reads this. i want to appoligize to anyone i've been short with, or have taken out anger on, or just been plain mean to within the past week. I would also like to appoligize to the people that mean the most to me for all the pain i've caused you this year, i never realized how much damage i did until last night. i had an epiphany last night and i came to terms with everything that has happened. i never really grasped the effect i had on other people and i took a lot of the people i care about most for granted and i realize that now. and i'm not just talking about holly here, i mean a lot of other people too. but just one thing to that special "you" i just want to say, i realize what i did to you and realize what has happened to the fullest extent. i finally understand how you feel and am finally taking responsibility for my actions. i realize why things cant be the way i want them to be, i understand now. because i now know the pain and strife i caused to you and i am ashamed to even look at you because i dont deserve to be in your presence. i dont even know if you are going to read this but i dont want to bother you anymore so i wasnt going to say this to you straight because i know how selfish i've been for the past week. i just want you to be happy and i really mean that. and i still want you in my life because i love you with every fiber of my soul and i will marry you one day. but i understand right now why things have to happen and i respect that. i'm a new person now and am planning to prove to the world that i have. so to close this, i just want to again appoligize for everything i've done and hope that everyone can forgive me. thank you.

well today i take SATs, boooooooooo! 4 hours of crap. well after that i get to watch dawsons creek (the highlight of my life) and american idol with my bff. after that i go to see secret garden, which i am excited about cuz i've always wanted to see that show. well i just wanted to post this morning to say thank you for whomever made a comment to my last entry, i wish you'd tell me who you are. and also, i wanted to post some lyrics to a song that exactly summerize my life right now. The End of the World by Skeeter Davis. Kayla told me about it.

"I wake up in the morning and i wonder
why everything is the same as it was
I cant understand, no i cant understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Dont they know its the end of the world?
It ended when we said ::Goodbye::"

well today was better then yesterday, had an epiphanie today. the day started off with drama, which was so-so, then gym where i hung out with kelli all class, i like hanging out with her in that class, its nice to be able to talk about stuff with someone thats not in drama and not friends with my friends. after that bogan was here for musical theatre so thats always fun. after that gladys and i went to burger king and the mall which was fun, we did a lot of talking. i helped her do some prom shopping. thats when i came to my epiphany. i'm not going to state what it was that i've decided but like the song THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!!!

"Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fu** if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losin' my sight, losin' my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing's fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
'Til it was too late and I was empty within"
-Last Resort , Papa Roach