::
2003 18 September :: 12.01 am
:: Mood: everything
:: Music: against me "I still love you julie"
LONG ASS POST
Looking through my retreat pictures yesterday, I realized that I still have issues that are left unresolved, demons that haven't gone away. At the circle of truth, I felt that I was okay with everything. Even if I wasn't, I had too much to say and I didn't know how to say it. Retreat really wasn't that bad. In fact, I liked it. The circle of truth was the best part, just because it revealed a lot about people; at least you got to see a side that they don't show at school. When I got up there (following Derek Gabris), I basically said that high school hasn't been "the best years of my life" and that I've been looking forward to college to run away from my problems, but that that wasn't possible. I told my class that I had judged them and wanted to go into this year with an open-mind. I never did say anything about my friends. I didn't want to leave anyone out, but I would have mentioned andre, nick, and jill. Andre has been the best friend I've had since I came to catholic in 6th grade. I actually remember meeting him and have a lot of fun memories with him. Nick has always watched my back, looking out for me, and I almost died with him 4 times. Jill has always been there to listen to everyone's problems, including mine, and to give good advice. And there are more...Katie, the rational one, whom I will always remember for that night we spent in sorrento, and Christina for the strong perosn that she is who seems to have common sense. There are people that I've grown distant from, which is fine, but I guess I would've wanted to say something about it. I'll have no regrets though. The first night was terrible b/c the guys kept on talking ALL NIGHT practically. They were being honest and saying what they thought of everyone, which was cool. I'd have participated, except for the fact that I was cranky, had a headache, and TIRED. The next night was Scatter 2003, followed by Pad Raid 2003 in the morning. The ropes courses and teamwork were fun. In a way, the retreat did bring people closer and change things. A lot of people seemed happy today, even me, like they were being nice to everyone. But I dunno. I was also excited because yearbooks came in. It's a great feeling to see your work published. You know, I'm beginning to think seriously about the navy or rotc programs. I got a call from a navy recruiter tonight, and he wants me to come in next week. He told me that the navy will pay for my FULL college tuition (not sure on that one), and I watched the video that said I'd have to serve only one weekend a month, two weeks a year. Not bad for a free-ride. Right now I'm just overwhelmed with everything I guess. Coming back to school the teachers, naturally, bombarded us with homework and upcoming tests. the price to play. Not to forget that my dad isn't a father. All the kids at retreat got "affirmation letters" from their families that told them what great people they were and how important they were..blah, blah, blah. All I got was two lousy religious cards with "love mom & dad" accompanied by some 99 cent bookmark (the price tag was on it). I guess you can't change people. I could just be misreading the situation. I want to be open-minded, but don't know if that will happen. There are just some things I can't see changing.
4 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 14 September :: 12.50 am
:: Mood: positive
Senior retreat is tomorrow. I'll try to stay positive about it, but hope it's better than I imagine. Tonight I went over to andre's house with emily. That was a lot of fun because we just sat there the whole night talking about stuff. Earlier, emily and I went to the mall and got our haircut. Mine's...different, or at least not what I usually get. This morning was also the church picnic, which wasn't that bad. Well...wish me luck on this retreat thing.
6 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 12 September :: 12.25 am
:: Mood: not too shabby
A few nights ago I had a dream that we got our car back and it was pimped out. haha! The car was ready today, and in a way, it was pimped out: it has hubcabs now! lol The car is almost better than new, with the exception that the horn no longer works and the glove department doesn't fully close (but it stays shut). My dad (jokingly?) said I coudln't drive the car...but I don't really want to anyways. Last night I had a dream where I was in another car accident. I was doing fine after my accident, but after nick's, I've just become more cautious/aware/paranoid. Last night I went out driving to get something and it was terrible. Everytime I passed a pedestrian, a car, or came to an intersection I got this panicky feeling. Every other moment seemed like a "close call."...or what could become one. Ah, just give me a few days and I should be good as new.
1 burn |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 9 September :: 11.33 pm
Okay, I want to jump off the bridge now. I'm never going to trust cars again. Exactly three weeks and 1 day after my accident, Nick gets into one while DRIVING ME HOME. I am bad luck, geeze! We were coming down W. Dale when he sideswiped this car perpendicular to us. (There are no street signs anywhere at this intersection, mind you.) This lady's back door came off, and the whole driver's side was smashed in. Not 3 seconds later she gets out and says "What the fuck were you thinking? I don't have a fucking liscence." So that's our fault you were driving without one!?! At this point, Nick, Lowell, and I are starting to get out of the car, and this girl goes to get "her man" to cover for her..to say he was driving the car. Well...to make a long story short, no one got a ticket. But it looks like nick's not gonna have his own car for a while, which really sucks. THIS IS WHY MUSKEGON NEEDS A SUBWAY SYSTEM, PEOPLE...or at least why I want to live in a city with one!!!
1 burn |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 8 September :: 8.54 pm
:: Mood: excited
I just got back from my college class, and I'm actually excited about it. Business 121 doesn't sound too hard, espeically because I learned a lot of stuff about economies last year with Sanocki. But this is even more fun because the guy actually connects it to real-world examples. For instance, did you know that German stores are only allowed to have sales two times a year!?! Call me a geek, but I love this stuff. The instructor seems really cool too (except the fact that he WANTS me to go to my senior retreat!...here I was hoping that I could escape from 6-9 on monday, prime circle of truth time, but no!) I especially like howthe class seems philosophic in nature. Now I want to take a philosophy class too! Man, I just wanna drop out of high school and go to muskegon community college!
2 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 8 September :: 2.31 am
:: Mood: overwhelmed
:: Music: Don Mcclean "crossroads"
I am physically tired, but my mind won't shut up. When I'm lieing in my bed, all I can think about is the future...my college class tomorrow, senior retreat, getting accepted into a real college, retaking the ACT/SAT, what I'm gonna major in, taking the GMAT, living in a big city, what I will call "home" when I move out on my own, making friends. And I think about how one wrong move can drastically alter the course of my future. The problem is, I don't even know what I want out of life or what I really want to do. I know that I want to do something positive and I want to make a difference. International Business, how real is that for me? Being an Optometrist, how rewarding will that be? I'm told that I have to make a lot of money to feel secure, but what's the point if it's not doing something that you enjoy? I know I shouldn't stress myself out because one way or another I'm going to reach that inevitable end: death. But I want to create a life that I can be proud of. "If you're not livin' your dyin'" I want to live. And if I stress myself out along the way, I guess that's my fault.
2 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 7 September :: 11.47 pm
:: Mood: volatile
Agh...I can't say what I came on here to say because that would make me a hypocrite.
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 4 September :: 10.16 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
*sound of fire alarms*
Today wasn't so bad...we had fire drills. My essay is basically done...and for the first time I can remember I have my homework (that's due tomorrow) done before 10:00pm.
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 4 September :: 12.32 am
:: Mood: studious
Typing an essay the night before it's due and having writer's block are not good combinations. For ap english, we have to type a college essay. I'm doing "a significant experience and how it affected me" type thing, using my memory of the Europe trip. It's actually a good essay, if I do say so myself, however...towards the end, I get stuck and don't know what to write.
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 2 September :: 1.51 am
:: Music: switchfoot "you"
That has got to be unhealthy
I have to get up in 5 hours and counting...but I CAN'T SLEEP! I was listening to War of the Worlds tonight, and half way through it goes blank! So I'm left with that unresolved in my head. Did Dr. Phearson die? Did the aliens take over? I want to know what the hype about this recording that made countless people end their lives is all about! The only other major event of my night was my summer reading project. I AM DONE! Just watch, in a freak accident, my binder gets thrown out the window and all my papers go everywhere! I'll only hope that doesn't happen...Because right now I'm too preoccupied with worrying about this college essay I have to write for English class. Maybe I set the standards for myself too high and then I let myself down? Regardless, I want to write a really good paper that will win the hearts of admission officers and earn me acceptance into NYU or Fordham.
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 1 September :: 12.38 am
September 1st. 29 days till my birthday. September should be kinder than this. I think I'll just go drown in my metaphysical tears. hahahaha
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 1 September :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: dashboard confessionals "again I got unnoticed"
It seems like the stiching is slowly coming undone from this life of mine. Staring at a piece of paper with the words "Denver, Colorado" scribbled on it makes me picture it now: I can just see the demise of this family. Just like in the Poisonwood Bible, I can see us all going our own separate ways. Right now, my dad is unemployed and we have no money in the bank. I, for one, believe my parents are financially ignorant. I think that somehow we will manage, but it doesn't look like my dad will get another assinment until november. For the meanwhile, he's going to start looking for long-term jobs nationwide. (Until recently, he's only been considering the MI/IL/OH/IN area, but now it's coast to coast, folks.) It's not much of a worry to me: I'm sure I'll finish out my year at catholic, and next year I'll be off to college anyways. Speaking of which, I applied to Johnson & Wales University today...just for the heck of it (free app).
"If it all ended tonight...back to the good ol' days, before it won" GUK
5 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 29 August :: 11.50 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
I can now say that I've read all 649 pages of The Poisonwood Bible. Now I just got to figure out how to do the project!
7 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 29 August :: 1.44 am
Is it may yet?
If the rest of the year is going to be remotely like this past week, I want to quit right now. Maybe it's just hard to adjust back to school after a lazy summer, but the school day seems to never end and my mountainous pile of homework seems to never go away. A part-time job seems incomprehensible right now. And I'm beginning to think I'm crazy for taking a class at community. Everyday I shall keep on asking, is it may yet?
Do you want to play with fire? |
::
2003 27 August :: 12.04 am
:: Mood: afraid?
The crash plays over and over in my head, and it scares me. It was so fast, it seemed surreal. And now...i think I live in fear? I have this weird thought like it didn't happen, and has yet to occur. That one specific moment that I keep on remembering scares me the most; it's a feeling of helplessness in which I see my car out of control and next thing I see the airbag.
2 burns |
Do you want to play with fire? |
|