And that face you paint is pressed, impressing most of us as permanent... and I'd like to see you undone...
Well...

I went to Canada, daytripping it to Windsor.
It felt like a great vacation.
No pressure, no decisions to make. I just drove. And I was totally free of everything from Cedar that drags me down. And it was good.

I also have an autographed Ben Kweller concert ticket. And I touched his arm, and talked to him. So that like made my whole month.

It was nice to step away from my life and look at the big picture.

It's gonna take a lot of time before I can cross that finish line...
so i got bored today...

i remembered that there's a ben kweller show in detroit tommorrow.

went down to the ticketmaster.

bought two tickets.

found a friend to go with.

booked a hotel room.

decided that canada is fun.

so tommorrow i'm going to see ben kweller and hopping over to canada.

why not?

But today, if you think that I don't know about depression and emotional pain, you're insane, or you're a fool who hasn't paid attention to a word that I say...
I'm afraid some of you may never realize some things about me. I also want to dispense my little bits of wisdom to the few of you who listen to me.

One. I love all of you. Some of you more than others, but you will never understand how much or why.

Two. I live my life as a free spirit. If you try to hold on I'm afraid. Afraid of you and afraid of myself.

Three. Regrets are empty. Don't waste the past by dwelling on it, by debating those things that can never and will never change for you, no matter how hard you think about it. The past is unchangable.

Four. There are many people in your life that you will only see once, and never see again. Use this to your advantage. This is freedom in the truest sense. You might get funny looks, but you'll give them a story to tell.

Five. Crying is overrated.

Six. Laughing is underrated.

Seven. It may sound selfish, but the only way to be happy with your own life is to put yourself first. Don't let anyone drag you down and don't let responsibilities and pressure hold you back.

Eight. Push yourself to the limits. It feels great in the end and once you've stretched out, you will always be able to reach farther than you could before, when you really need it.

Nine. Always respect those with the courage to be different. Even if it isn't by choice. And since everyone is different, respect everyone. Including yourself.

Ten. Don't ever hesitate to take chances. You can't walk down the hallway without opening the door, and there is no room that you can't leave if you don't feel comfortable. Use all your options and test as many as possible.

These are my ten pieces of wisdom for you all. Please take them to heart, they're the best of what I have learned.

Days go by and still I think of you....Days when I couldn't live my life without you...You feel me when I'm at my worst...
my toenails are painted purple, and i am ready to graduate. for me, thats all it took.

When will we learn? When will we change? Just in time to see it all fall down.
eternally i am misinterpreted.

Count your blessings...seduce a stranger...Don't ever let life pass you by...
just to let everyone know, that was nonspecific. i am not really sure who i am jealous of....I think I am jealous of "No-One" as a person....does that make any sense? but since no one replied, it implies that no one really cares anyway.


I have my new computer set up in a new place with a new desk...a room all my own...a little chilly but there's freedom here.


someone dropped a big board on my foot at work today and it hurt.

i feel like i have no friends past high school.

i need new music. i was on this fiona apple/tori amos kick but its dying fast.

can someone please post new music suggestions in my journal?

Ooh, jealousy

Is she fine,
so well bred,
the perfect girl,
a social deb?

Is she the sort
you've always thought
could make you
what you're not?

ooh, jealousy

Is she bright
so well read...
Are there novels
by her bed?

Is she the sort
you've always said
could satisfy
your head?

ooh, my jealousy

Does she talk
the way I do?
Is her voice reminding you
of the promises,
the little white lies too?
Sometimes, tell me,
while she's touching you
just by mistake
accidentally do you say my name?

And he finds a home in me...for what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap...
don't you realize...

after tommorrow, i can disappear.

if you like....
-take me off your buddy list
-stop reading my journal
-don't talk to me first


and you never have to hear from me ever again.

Caught a lite sneeze. Dreamed a little dream. Made my own pretty hate machine.
I don't really remember what started it.
I know that I'm still caught up in this infatuation.
I don't know what it is that I find so attractive, or why I can't get away, or why I can't get too close.
All I know is that for at least six months my thoughts have been tied up in a dream, one that keeps waking me. I can't give it up, it keeps resurfacing as soon as I think it might be drifting away.
I wish I could tell him what my thoughts are, how I can't get through a day without him crossing my mind even if he doesn't cross my path, and how he makes me jump every time I see him but then I turn away in fear that he might find out. And at the very same time, I want him to know! I want him to find out! For half of a year I've been dwelling on a deadened dream, and I'm simply allowing it to die under my feet.
I can get the perfect chance to tell him how I feel, to drop my hints, or to at least speak to him, one more time before its too late, before I never see him again, but I can't. I CANT. I don't understand how anything can control me like the emotions you bring.
Do you remember what we almost had? I want to ask. I remember putting my hand on your knee. I remember the shake with the cherry. And I remember how you brought me my ink pen.
But thats where it ends. It's so easy for the conversations to drop and have nothing every become of it. I kick myself almost every day that I see you and don't even have the courage to speak.

Yes., I know what you think of me you never shut up...
you can't make
me
into who
you want me
to be
for you

I do not struggle in your web, because it was my aim to be caught...But daddy longlegs I fear that I'm finally growing weary of waiting to be consumed by you...
full is not heavy as empty my love, not nearly.

i feel that hole inside that is so empty that not even you can fill it.

so hollow

i dont know if i mind so much

but dont think you can fill me with all your phony images of perfection

just let me stay open

wholly in pieces

a polygon is a closed shape even if it is empty in the middle...right?

i can be hollow and still be whole


dont think i need you to get along

Don't be a liar....don't say that everything's working when everything's broken...
Yeah...exactly what I said, isn't it?


You know who you all are...I can think of at least 4 or 5 or you who I can bet are reading.

If you are getting sick of me, I can only tell you one thing- I haven't changed a thing. This is me, this is how I've really always been.

It's not my fault if you never knew it. I'm sorry that I might not be who you thought I was.

I am not going to lie to myself.

You will be back some day and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away...
stole this...well i didn't really steal it, i copied and pasted
I see - woohu.com on my computer screen
I find - that nothing goes the way I expect or plan it to.
I want - another cookie.
I have - half of a glass of soda
I wish - I had a cookie.
I hate - confusion and theories that don't make sense to me.
I miss - the good times.
I fear - that i don't know what I'm talking about and all of my theories are wrong instead.
I feel - tired.
I hear - dashboard
I smell - cookies in the kitchen.
I crave - attention attention attention, and affection here and there.
I search - for the logical path.
I wonder - wonder who wrote the book of love?
I regret - mistakes, all of them.
I love - cookies.
I ache - in my feet from yesterday's retarded shoes that were too small.
I long - for that darn cookie.
I am - having fun letting it all out
I care - about my dear friends. :)
I always - take everything just a bit too far.
I am not - who you think I am. BAH!
I believe - that I am going somewhere.
I have faith - that I will figure everything out eventually.
I cringe - when i see that guy who used to stalk me mowing the lawns.
I dance - with robby-o to crazy techno while wearing a fedora.
I sing - in a crazy scary low voice. preferably country.
I cry - seldom.
I learn - that I don't know everything.
I do not always - throw myself at everyone.
I succeed - at making it look like i do.
I fail - to understand whats wrong with me.
I fight - when i don't agree.
I write - again. finally.
I give - up.
I win - the battle
I lose - the war
I never - give up
I confuse - everyone, including myself.
I listen - to music.
I can usually be found - at work.
I am scared - of people hiding behind the shower curtain.
I hope - that everything falls into place.
I expect - that it will be a lot more difficult than that.
I need - that cookie.

And as for now, I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder...how you're making out....but as for me I wisht that I was anywhere with anyone, making out...
I think my pile might be tumbling. I don't think anyone likes me anymore.

Yeah, You all know who you are.


I just got tired of everything.