American Cliche

:: 2006 13 August :: 3.11am

Jason, "I know, Paul Hamm is going to fuck me in the ass."

:: 2006 12 August :: 12.20pm

So, yesterday was day 1 of the five-year class reunion. I walk in a half hour late (I thought I was on time) and there were only two people there. Unfortunately, one of them was a person that I did not want to see (Chris Arneson). Oh well. There was alcohol, which helped a lot. People did show up later (me, Katie, Brian & Melody, Craig, Coni, Kari & husband, Chris A., Matt M, Josh, Sheena, Amanda, Jess & Harmony, Jill, Tyler & Christy). Coni is a very amusing drunk. At one point, she mentioned that our kids would be cute. And there was a dozen references to us walking down the aisle together (for the graduation ceremony that is). Half of us ended up going to a kegger at Aaron Holm�s place; saw Noah, Pat, Cory, Dan, Shannon, and Matt Shook there. I ended up getting drunk for the first time since my new years experience in Grand Rapids. Did my first keg stand getting myself even more drunk. Had a girl show me her tits trying to cut her way in line for the keg, I told her that the cute guys beside me had a much better chance. She didn�t catch on. Forgot how much I liked hanging out with Aaron and Pat. I also forgot how affectionate Aaron becomes when drunk. Made for a great night and I think it is the first time I�ve had my ass grabbed by a straight guy, or maybe any guy? Hmm.

And Jason does not answer when you drunk dial him. Bitch.

:: 2006 11 August :: 4.29pm

(Orlando, Florida) Support for a fair-housing ordinance that prohibits discrimination against gays and lesbians has cost Orange County Mayor Rich Crotty the support of his biggest re-election backer.

The county Commission voted unanimously last month to expand the existing law to include gays. (story)

Last week Tom Hutchison, the chief executive officer of CNL Hotels & Resorts Inc., informed Crotty that he would have nothing more to do with the mayor's re-election campaign. He had been a key fundraiser and had served on the campaign steering committee.

In an email to Crotty, Hutchinson attributed his decision to Crotty's "favoring the absolutely ridiculous vote on legal protection for equal housing for gays."

"I am not interested in supporting candidates with seemingly zero Christian biblical principals on the issues regarding the alternative gay lifestyle," the email said.

After the email to the mayor became public CNL quickly disassociated itself from Hutchinson's statements, saying he was speaking as a citizen and his views did not reflect those of the company.

The statement noted that the company's own policies bar discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Hutchinson also issued a public statement to the Orlando Sentinal which the paper noted appeared at odds with the email he sent to the mayor

"I do not believe in discrimination of any kind, for any reason - period," it said. "I am thankful that this is a community that embraces the individual views of all its citizens."

Mayor Crotty said that he was sorry to lose Hutchinson from the campaign and that his views were the only negative comments he has received since the ordinance was passed.

Similar housing ordinances already are in effect in Monroe, Miami-Dade, Palm Beach and Leon counties.

1 Remark | Speak to me

:: 2006 10 August :: 9.33am
:: Music: Coheed & Cambria - Welcome Home

For all the big city folk:
New York�s Celebrity Infestation

4 Remarks | Speak to me

:: 2006 8 August :: 3.16pm

It�s called triage.
You kept calling it murder when I did it.
__________________________________________
You�re the cum shot your mother should have swallowed
__________________________________________
TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Any fucking idiot could understand that!" Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Pablo Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo
"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers... my ass!" Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" John F. Kennedy
"Who the fuck is going to know?� Bill Clinton

_________________________________________
Top Ten Reasons Why Soccer Is Better Than Sex!
Number Ten,.......Balls are always checked for firmness!
Number Nine,......Periods only last 45 minutes!
Number Eight,.....Parents cheer when you score!
Number Seven,....Soccer is a legal profession!
Number Six,.........Protective equipment can be washed and reused!
Number Five,........Size doesn�t matter!
Number Four,........If you get too rough you get a red card!
Number Three,......You can score using your head or feet!
Number Two,.........Lasts a full 90 minutes!
And the NUMBER ONE, reason Why Soccer Is Better Than Sex!
You can juggle your balls in front of your mother!

4 Remarks | Speak to me

:: 2006 6 August :: 9.14pm

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
Reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
Raised, The administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and
Exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

:: 2006 31 July :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: raisin bran-y
:: Music: Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

TaoMan1121 (9:47:51 PM): you know those stupid things online where you 'tag' someone, under some stupid pretense, a la "you're in taoman1121's dungeon. would you like to bother someone else with your idiotic and complete waste of time???"
C W brand (9:48:57 PM): I love you Jason...go on...
TaoMan1121 (9:50:12 PM): ok, well, i want to start some with STDs... in the vein of "HEY!! taoman1121 has given you HERPES!! pass the fun along!!"

1 Remark | Speak to me

:: 2006 31 July :: 8.00pm

Myself, Jason, Michelle, and Andy in a chat, entirely weird outcome.

4 Remarks | Speak to me

:: 2006 29 July :: 11.33am

ape turf

:: 2006 29 July :: 12.11am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Garbage - Shut Your Mouth

This is the best video ever. Ever.
Trust No One

Scully has a field day, behind the cut...
Read more..

Oh yeah, I just found out today that Glen Morgan and Kristen Cloke (Lara Means from Millennium) have been married since 1998 and have two children together. Umm... wow.

brutisimo

:: 2006 28 July :: 9.48pm

So, I have a lot to say, but i dont know how to make the thoguhts into words. I love you all though. I am sorry if i have not been around enough. I am also sorry if i worry you. I am doing well. I have not been in the zoo for more than a couple days in weeks. I have been in caddy mostly. My cali aunties were here and i have been spending a lot of time with sean and ryan at camp. Ryan and i are doing realy well. KEnze has been in europe, so i feel like we have finally had some time to get back to being real freinds, hopefully this will not change when she gets back, even more hopefully, i hope i can get to be real friends with her again. Sean is leaving for ecuador soon and i am sad about that, but happy that we have been able to hang out so much lately.

I need to see you guys this week. I will be in kzoo sun-wed or thur. I MISS YOU. (Ricci- I am glad you hung out, but i wish you would have stayed, all we did was stay at my house and play cranium.) I love my locust st. Brigade, but i love my cockmobile crew in a more deep and profound way. My phone is dead right now, but call me this week.

I LOVE YOU!

:: 2006 28 July :: 1.04am
:: Music: Eve 6: Inside Out

Case ID# 06-3855
Claim # 068934781

Is owning a black vehicle the equivalent of a black cat? I swear this truck is the devil. I mean how many times can I be rear-ended? How many times can I get broken into? How many wildlife creatures will try to commit suicide by damaging body panels?

Most of you know the previous installments, so I will only detail the latest in the Saga of Jimmy. At 11:08 PM CST, a pair of idiots happen upon a 1995 GMC Jimmy. This is not any ordinary Jimmy. This Jimmy belongs to none other than one Joseph P. Burgess. Well, our idiots believe this is enough reason to force entry into the vehicle. What our pair of idiots fail to realize is that Mr. Burgess parked Jimmy in front of his living room window. Not only that, but Mr. Burgess is sitting on his couch with the window open in plain view of said vehicle. Well, dumb and dumber go ahead and break the driver�s window. Upon hearing the glass break Mr. Burgess goes to the window in a state of undress and yells at the vandals scaring them away into the neighbor�s yard where they proceed to break into another vehicle.

Well, 911 was dialed. The operator was efficient and courteous, but not intelligent. 20 minutes later said operator calls Mr. Burgess back and tells him that police have searched outside and his vehicle is the only one broken into, and ask him to go outside and meet with the officer. Mr. Burgess is puzzled because said officer has not yet arrived. When Officer Chad Mroczenski arrives, he proceeds to prove that one must be of substandard intelligence to work for public safety. He asks which vehicle has been vandalized when in plain view of broken glass. After informing the officer that broken glass was the vandalization, he proceeds to open the door and look for further damage. When finding none, he slams the door sending what was left of the window into the interior of the vehicle. When asked for a case number Officer Mroczenski gets out his business card and proceeds to explain how it works and that there is a phone number on it. When pressed for the case number Officer Mroczenski becomes impatient and continues to explain how to use a business card and then writes the case number on the back.

Now that Officer Mroczenski is gone, Mr. Burgess puts in a call to Progressive. The entire time required to go through filing a claim is 7 minutes and 37 seconds. That is including going through the auto prompt menus and entering policy numbers. Why does it take less than 8 minutes to file a claim with an insurance company, but takes 20 minutes for police to respond?

What a fucking night. And I ripped my finger open on glass :-(

5 Remarks | Speak to me

:: 2006 24 July :: 12.02pm
:: Mood: pleased
:: Music: The Pretenders - I'm A Mother

The Movie Entry
So, my internet freaked me the hell out yesterday by slowing down to a snail's pace. I messed about with it for an unnecessarily long time before finally deciding it might be Time Warner Cable. Called them up, and sure enough, "technical difficulties in Queens, Brooklyn, and Manhattan." Not but five minutes ago, it appears things are back up to speed. Thank god... you ever want to cripple me, just take my internet away. Anyway, on with the cinematic goodness:

- This trailer really grabbed me for some reason. I really enjoy watching old news footage and interviews with Lennon. He's very captivating. The U.S. vs. John Lennon
- Once I got past the initial "WTF?" of why this existed and actually watched it, it wasn't that bad. Brings me back. TMNT
- This is f'ing hilarious. I'm going to forego the introduction and just let it speak for itself. Genius. A Letter to Luke Wilson from Steely Dan
- So, I guess Haley Joel Osment got into a nasty little car crash last week. This, in of itself, isn't really noteworthy, but what is worth mentioning is how our cute little friend from "The Sixth Sense" has aged since 1999. Check out his IMDb entry for jaw-dropping pics. Where has the time gone?
- Evidently, 'Bond 22' has already been announced for 5/2/08, forgiving the fact that #21 is still 4 months away from the theater. I'm digging Daniel Craig lately though. After seeing "Layer Cake," I think he can pull it off. And a darker Bond is a better Bond.
- J.J. Abrams has been confirmed to produce for the next 'Star Trek' flick, with directing a strong possibility. Let me say for the first in what I hope will be many times regarding this, "Thank you, J.J." (By the way, I don't blame you for M:i:III... I really don't. Bygones.)
- I saw "Lady in the Water" over the weekend, which I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about (although I'm getting a better idea). Anyway, after having to endure pure shite for trailers for most of this summer's fare, I was flabbergasted with what I saw yesterday... 1) The Prestige; 2) Childen of Men; and 3) The Fountain Three new films by three good/great directors. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

:: 2006 23 July :: 10.23pm

cockicidal maniac

By removing the head, or destroying the brain.

Watching a man get beat to the tune of Queen.

They say she started the world�s first interracial hardcore loop. Suck it. DP. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big old gash. Holy flaps. Loves giant root. Pipe or clam�It�s all good. Big old muff. Ropy old twat. Both holes filled with pearly white spooge.

:: 2006 21 July :: 1.15am

"You know, orchids are named from the Greek word orkhis...it means
testicles. It's cuz the shape of the flower resembles them."