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2007 28 June :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I was sitting in the middle of Zach's field watching him and Rueben build their earth bag structure and watching the sun, shrouded in clouds like holy cloths, sink slowly behind a grove of trees and down into the horizon...and the clouds that were in the sky above me were very tall and large and loomed bright and purple and pink, slowly drifting to the west...and I sat there in thought, the clink of shovels filling bags with earth as my background music, my medium of meditation, while I braided grass that I collected from around me...the conclusion came suddenly of the selfishness of it all. We live for each other. Humanity is too wrapped up in itself, and that's where all the problems come from. Too involved, too lost in self absorbtion to get even a glimpse of the real, big picture...and it was just me wedged between the earth and the sky, the clouds pressing down on me as the light diminished to shine in another place. What does it matter? It's all too big. We live as if it matters what we do. It might, for a moment...but not for long.
I spend my days in a large building with no windows. Eventually, the field that was raped to put that building there, will destroy it. The grass and trees, and the little insects we sell repelents to destroy will consume it. It will take years, but what does that matter? The earth has years.
And then, when it's gone, what will it matter that I spent my days locked inside that building, wrapped up in the price adjustments, and money transfers, and the selling of overpriced synthetic food items?
I should have spent them else where, doing something else. But alas, I'm wrapped up tightly in it, playing by all the rules, doing what is expected, what is supposedly right.
And even if it's right, or wrong, or indifferent, what will it matter?
And it's hard to live with these kinds of questions in my head. It's hard to wake up in the morning with no purpose, with up becomind down and down turning up. Confusion is the name of the game. I don't know if I have a purpose. I know it's not to do the bidding of some guy up in the sky.
But somehow, I have this, this seemingly eternal hope. Hope for what? I have no idea. But it keeps me going when it seems like there is no purpose, no reason for it all. I suppose it's just some animal instinct that's buried deep in my subconscious, the message in the DNA to keep going, to procreate...
But we've created such an elaborate game of it all. If the goal is to procreate, why don't we just do that? Why are there so many other factors involved? Byproducts of something of evolution. It seems that everything we've created is so unnatural...
Why can't we be like every other animal and fuck each other and then die?
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2007 25 June :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Along for the Ride" Vannessa Carlton
I'm in a rut. A summer rut. I don't like summer. It's too...loose. There is little structure, routine. I find myself wasting time. I dislike wasting time. I don't have time to waste, yet, that's what I do, I waste it.
Right before I fall asleep at night, my mind races with a thousand things that I should do the next day. I can't remember them when I wake up in the morning, and I'm caught in an endless cycle of waking up, eating, watching t.v, usually going to work, coming home emotionally and physically exhausted, reading for a while in bed, and going to sleep.
This is the point where I think there is more. And there is, but I just don't have the [drive, motivation, energy] to do whatever it is.
I just felt a horrible, unexplainable loss when I woke up this morning.
I'm way too uptight. And I don't think I know how to relax.
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2007 15 June :: 11.27pm
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of the books have been lost.
A Presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had not quite finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
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2007 15 June :: 10.59pm
Rueben and I rented a few documentaries today. One was called Maxed Out, and it was about how credit card debt, and debt in general, is ruining the country. Well, not the whole country, just the majority of the people who aren't millionaires.
Then we watched Jesus Camp. If you haven't watched this, you really need to. For the first time, I found myself, as an agnostic/atheistic liberal, as the enemy. It really makes you wonder about religion. It can be taken to so many extremes. This is about radical Christianity, in our own country. We are fighting radical Islam, killing in the name of freedom, when the Christian Evangelicals are on the same path, except they're predominately white, upper middle class, and are fighting in the name of a different God, one that most of Americans can claim some type of allegiance to.
They "love" the United States, but are attempting to dissolve the separation of Church and State, and take away anything that isn't set out in the Bible. Homosexuality? Wrong. Abortion? No way. Violence? well, they're training their children to be an "Army of God." I'll leave it at that.
To all of you out there that think you're better because you have "God in your Heart," I understand that you might not agree with hardly anything that the Evangelicals are preaching, but you have to at least agree that almost all religion, whether it be Islam, or Christianity, is almost like playing with fire. It can easily be taken to the extreme. Can you understand? Can you understand how dangerous it can be to believe in something so much that you're willing to kill for your cause? To secure a place in heaven? Don't even get me into if heaven really exists, or what heaven can be defined as, if there is such a thing. Can you understand the necessity of the Separation? Can you understand that anything to do with a great mass of people can be dangerous?
No, I don't believe that some God waved his hand and made up the earth and the trees and man (and woman for that matter). Neither do I believe that the world is held up on the shoulders of a really strong man (Greek and Roman) or that the world sprung up on the back of a turtle (Iroquois).
I believe that every person should go through the day trying not to hurt anyone else, and maybe even trying to make someone else's life a little better. I believe in respect, and I believe in the idea that everyone is equal, even if it doesn't happen that way. I truly believe that I am a good person if I follow these few simple guidelines, and I don't need someone telling me to live "for God". I'm living for me, because really, I don't believe that there is anything once I die. I could be proven wrong, but for the time being, I'd like to know that I'm using my life for something, because that's all there is. You are born, you live, you change a few things, for the better, hopefully, and then you die. That's it.
And no, I don't go around telling people that they should become agnostics or atheists like a lot of others go around trying to recruit others to their religion. You know why? Because what I've choosen is right for me. And no one can talk me out of it. No one can scare me out of it. If I have to die for my right not to believe, to die with the knowledge that I don't have a eternal life, or eternal hope, I'm okay with that. Just as long as I don't kill others because they don't believe the same things as me. Just as long as I don't hurt anyone else, because in my mind, that's what good human beings do. They help, not harm.
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2007 13 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Delila - Plan White T's
The summer is catching up on me. And I just realized it. I've been home for about a month and a half, and I'm still readjusting...in little ways, but readjusting nonetheless.
After a long, horrible night of work, I got home at eleven thirty last night to a letter sitting on my bed. It informed me that I had been awarded a $1000 scholarship from the GR community foundation. I'm relieved. I'm definitely in a safe spot with my financials for next year right now, and there is even a bit of a surplus.
Lately, it seems like I'm biding my time, just waiting to get to the real "life," the one where I'm suppose to do something meaningful, where I enjoy what I do. The life when I come home from a day on the job and I can say to myself, "I made a difference."
The only difference I've been making lately is on the stains on the tile floor behind the service desk.
I've been doing announcements lately, over the PA at Meijer. Just for stupid crap, like the credit card..."Attention Meijer guests, Would you like to save 10% off your entire order today...." and "Currently we have patio sets for 15-33% off thier original price in the garden center..."
A few people have told me that I should be a radio DJ. That got me thinking. I would like to do something with my voice. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be the voice of an animated character in a movie or on a tv show. I think it would be really fun to do something like that. If only...
Well, I have to go to work now, unfortunately. I get to work with Phil tonight, so that should be fun. I like working with people who are very laid back, because I'm really uptight, and I need that reassurance that everything isn't as bad as it seems.
All for now.
Michelle
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2007 7 June :: 7.11pm
I've been sitting back lately, letting the world pass by in a sense. I got a letter from CMU congratulating me on making the Dean's List, again...
And somehow, I know it doesn't matter. It doesn't get me more money to go to school, and it just maybe could help me get some job somewhere that I don't want, or get into a second choice graduate school.
I'm being pessimistic, but I always am. I've been dwelling on my 'lives'- the 'who I am' depending on who I'm with. When I'm at work, I'm usually very bouncy, optimistic, and smiley. When I'm with friends, I usually take the role of the 'dumb girl', and honestly, I don't get a lot of things that are said. I don't try to be dumb, it's just like my brain gets turned off when I'm around them. When I'm with Rueben I'm usually silly or crying, or any spectrum inbetween. I have the most variation when I'm with him. When I'm in an academic setting, like a class, I'm usually stuck up, and I deplore people who waste my time or say stupid things. I especially hate when others come up with a point that I was on the verge of thinking.
...but that doesn't compare to who I am with myself. This is the one I've been thinking about. I suppose this journal reflects it more than anything, since these words depict the inner workings of the mush enclosed in my skull. As I look back, I find I'm witty-usually horribly sarcastic. I find that I'm usually pessimitic, but find a way to leave off with some optimistic note. I find that I'm frustrated a lot. I get frustrated if I'm too early or late, or if there isn't a plan, or if the plan gets changed at the last minute. I get frustrated by the menial, the every day. I'm frustrated by normalcy, when I really crave to be normal. I find that I don't know how to say what I want, but somehow it comes out perfectly.
I feel like I lead a double, or even triple life. I can't combine these 'personalities'. Perhaps I don't want to. It just leaves me fairly confused to the issue of identity. That's a big thing. How can you live with yourself if you don't know who you are?
I know, or at least hope, that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies..."
It's very windy outside, and the first day of my yard sale was fairly disappointing. I did make eight dollars, though. It averages out to about a dollar an hour.
It's still better than a day at Meijer.
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2007 1 June :: 7.22pm
I just don't know anymore
If everything is left up to me, I cave in.
I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing. I feel like...
it's hard to describe.
I've been going through a lot of old memories, some good, some bad. Both make me upset. I have so much more to say, but I can't say it. I just can't.
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2007 30 May :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: crying
They want me out of the house. It's obvious. Very obvious. I can't do anything right. Everything in my life, even not doing the fucking dishes, is up to scrutiny.
I'm trying so hard to stay calm and not do anything, but if this keeps up, which I'm sure it will....
Rueben, Shae, Jessie, Josh, and I went to Big Rapids to go ghost hunting last night. No ghosts, but on the way back, a hornet got into the car and bit Jessie five times and Josh once. We were all freaking out because Shae is allergic to everything, and we pulled over at a speedway for a while to find and kill the hornet.
Then, on our way back, after we got on 131 south, we hit a deer. Actually, Rueben hit a deer with my car, because I made him drive, but he did wonderful. We were only going about sixty anyway, and as soon as he saw it, he slammed on the brakes and swerved just a tiny bit. It hit the front driverside of my car. We were all absolutely fine, and my car has an inch long crack on my blinker light, along with some random blood and hair. Other than that, the one who got the worst of it was the deer. It was still trying to get up, and then a semi hit it. It was still twitching, so we called the police so they could come shoot it, so no one else ran it over, or got in an accident because of it, and pull it off to the side of the road and mark it for the people who get dead animals off the highway.
By the time he got there, it was actually dead, and we left because I didn't want to file an accident report. We got back at about four am.
I did the dishes, you bastard.
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2007 28 May :: 1.12pm
Wars don’t change except in name;
The next one must go just the same,
And new foul tricks unguessed before
Will win and justify this War.
-Robert Graves, "The Next War"
Glory does not engulf those who are today's subject, just maggots and worms who devour their bones.
There is a difference between defending yourself and your country and making a pre-emptive strike on another country for no clear reason.
Then there are the others. When will we remember the thousands of Japanese that were disintegrated in a second? Those who suffered with cancer for years? 100,000 Iraqi civilians?
Today is not a day to buy furniture or roast marshmallows or praise honor and courage and sacrifice. Today is a day of mourning for ALL who have died, not just those who have won and are memorialized in a vision of superficial peace and tranquility.
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2007 28 May :: 12.58pm
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Yane
It's all been working and sleeping lately. I don't have time for much else. I only work thirty hours this week, but I only have two days off. I have to drive down there for a five hour shift. After gas and taxes and union dues, I probably only make about eighteen dollars for that shift.
Another thousand hours and I'll be making seven twenty five. Of course, the minimum wage will go up by then, making it meaningless.
It's been a stressful past couple of days, or at least week. Now I'm just pained.
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