swimfan14
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2006 5 March :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: Tired
:: Music: Motion City Soundtrack//The Future Freaks Me Out
<3
I think I'm just being paranoid. I always feel like I need to know what's going to happen and if I don't know what's going to happen then I freak out. It's not really necessary but I can't stand that feeling.
This weekend was extremely exhausting. I barely slept. Friday night I went out to dinner with my family in Lansing and then I went to my friend Missy's house. She also models with me. We went ice skating with her two sisters Holly and Katrina and then their friends Tori and Haylie. It was really fun. They have an ice skating rink at their house. Weird? I know. Saturday we had modeling from 11-6 which was the exhausting part. Afterwards we had a fashion show and international dinner. They both we're really fun. Sunday we went to church and then I just went to my dads for a while to see him before he left and then I came home.
A few pictures from this weekend.
Read more..
When I got home today I found out that my mom put a phone line in my room so now I have my own internet. It's actually quite nice. I'm just being a lazy ass right now and I'm laying in my nice comfy bed talking to my friends on my laptop.
This week should be a busy week. I'm most likely going to all three basketball games on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday with Lisa and Elyse and then Tuesday i'm hanging out with Cohen and then Thursday I'm going shopping :D
tomorrows monday..what a drag.
I would stay here if I could but I know it wont do any good. Maybe one day you'll understand something in me. It's something I gotta do. It's not you. It's something in me.
I still love you.
Did you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
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anachronism
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2006 4 March :: 6.44pm
:: Music: James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun.
Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So, I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over, but it won't stop there.
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
my heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Chorus:
Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer, but when I wake
you can't break my spirit, it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me.
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the [mother] of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts, but now we're fine.
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
[Chorus]
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine, when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
when I'm kneeling at your feet.
[Chorus]
I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
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swimfan14
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2006 3 March :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Ne-Yo//So Sick
Today was...interesting..to say the least.
Haha yes apparently Mr. McDonald did forget he had a seminar class so Mishy and I just left. We went out to eat and to Starbucks.
"Ashley, taste this, I think she gave me eggnog, instead of cafe' vanilla".
"Okay...*sips* mmm.."
"Doesn't it taste like eggnog?"
"...I've never had eggnog."
*both laugh*
Haha thinking about that still makes me laugh. I don't even know why I tasted her drink if I've never once tasted eggnog.
And yeah I'm really happy about what I said too. I'm just happy in general. I hope everything works out for the best.
I need to go pack though. I have to go to Lansing all weekend for modeling. I'm pretty stoaked for that business!! I'll bring my laptop with me. Haha I'm talking like I'll be gone forever but I'll be coming home on Sunday.
Well I hope everyone has a good weekend. Stacy we'll hang out next week because I miss you!
Love Always,
Ashley..........
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
I am nervous that you won't be my lover. Oh, I adore you.
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brokenmentality
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2006 3 March :: 9.02am
soo.. there's some seroius talk about us moving to Tennesse sometime this summer. that would be the most wonderful thing.
i was talking to Keegan about it last night, and im not worried about leaving him, because more than likely, he'd come with us. i just hate michigan, and i hate cedar springs. i know that sounds bad because i was the red flannel queen, and i guess hate is to strong a word. cedar springs is my home, and no matter where i go, where i end up... it will always BE my home. and regardless of what anyone says, we will never FULLY get away, because this town harbors all of our childhood memories. we are who we are because we've lived in Cedar Springs, and i'm not ashamed to say i'm from a small town, because there is a "Cedar Springs" all over the U.S... what i hate is the routine of living in the same place all my life. what i hate is living in a town that is so closed minded and traditional. and what i hate is living in a town who's known for dollar stores and pizza places.
Tennesse on the other hand, is absolutely breathtaking. i've known that i wanted to live there since the 5th grade when we went on vaccation to the Smokies. i'm not a big city girl. i dont want to live in an expensive appartment for the rest of my life! i want (corny) a big back yard and a little yappy dog that barks at squirls bigger than it! i want a window FOR ONCE with a view. and i want and desperatly miss that feeling of connection with a power so much greater than myself when i look at the mountains. thats what i want. there's nothing here for me. after school... there's NOTHING here. i would have a hard time leaving my friends... but i'd deal.
the one person i could NEVER leave though, is keegan. at least not right now. not when he's my best friend and a big part of my life and quite possibly future. thats why if we leave, he'll leave. we're not about to give up on something so beautiful.
so.. perhaps this a goodbye to miserable winters and tanning salons?! i guess we'll see.......
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swimfan14
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2006 2 March :: 3.25pm
Fate fell short this time.
Nothing is forever and the time comes when we all must say goodbye to what we knew.
Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted.
Goodbye to those we thought would never leave us.
And when these changes finally do occur and when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken it's place, all any of us can really do is to say hello and welcome those new feelings.
You're the one who has to live with yourself.
[Stacy: I have no idea where you are but I really need to talk to you.]
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swimfan14
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2006 1 March :: 10.20pm
What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could've been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
My heart is breaking and you're still faking a feeling that you will never know.
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brokenmentality
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2006 1 March :: 9.02am
me and keegan got a hampster sunday.
his name is Sushi and just might be the cutest thing i've ever seen. (exageration... but awwww, hes the cutest)
we had our leadership convention monday, and last friday i had to send out the award of excellence. im so relieved to have two major things lifted off my shoulders. i was majorly stressin. but its all good now.
now if only yearbook would go smoothly.
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swimfan14
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2006 28 February :: 10.42pm
Tonight just made me realize that this isn't going to come easy.
It's pretty much now or never.
It's just one of those things where the stakes are high. Sometimes it's forever and sometimes it's goodbye.
All I can say is I'm not going to be the one to regret this.
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swimfan14
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2006 27 February :: 10.29pm
I saw your face in a crowded place and I don't know what to do because I'll never be with you.
But it's time to face the truth. I will never be with you.
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lynds4090
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2006 27 February :: 8.26pm
now that cedar pride week is over.. i can actual sleep.
sat. was great... can't wait!!
32 days until spring break.. yeah that is right.. i'm sooo ready to leave and go to nice warm flordia...and gooooo SAILING!!! ahhhh the last week i will not be able to sit still.. yeah. so yes.... ah spring break
~ (\ ~~~ (\~- they are boats. ah i'm a dork.. i know. no need to remind me
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m&ms487
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2006 26 February :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Handel - Messiah
It's quite cold in my house right now. Maybe I'm just the one that's cold.
Finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a very interesting novel. It reminds me of a quote that I heard on a show a little while back that didn't even make it a full season:
"Men are romantics pretending to be realists and women are realists who pretend to be romantics."
I remember hearing that and it struck me. I'm not quite sure I know exactly HOW it struck me, it just did. I believe it's very true. Very realistic. It must have been thought of by a woman......
I'm very scared about the next few months. I'm so busy. But sometimes that really works out because I use that little time that i have a lot more wisely. I don't sit down and watch tv for a few hours, I get my homework done because I know that when I get that done it will be time to go to sleep, then time to wake up and go to school or work and do the same thing all over again. I like how it keeps me busy. I just get tired sometimes. I get scared that I won't be able to get what needs to be done done. I need to memorize my scales very badly. I have exactlly 29 days before S and E and limited time before my auditions for the school of music. I wish I had memorized them when I was in middle school, it's so hard now. I hate our education system. They keep the fine arts, but only enough to the point where students know where they need to get after all of it to make things happen, but they don't have the training they need to make it, and they know it. I know it. I met so many talented people at honors band. They knew so much. I felt like I was in sixth grade again. I think I was more naturally inclined than most, but they had training, and that's all that matters. They've had tons of music theory, expensive private lessons, and opportunities to perform and support from their school that I can't even imagine. I get told by people every day that I just need to settle for how horrible some people in our music program are, and I know how good people can be, how "good" i am, but compared to everyone else out there, how far behind I am and how much more ahead I could be if only I had those few opportunities, and now here I am, almost at the end of the line, getting ready to jump off the airplane and I don't even know how to work my parachute. It might as well be a suicide jump.
But I can't settle, because I know that when I get there it'll all be worthwhile, but can I get there? How? That's my question.
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swimfan14
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2006 26 February :: 5.57pm
:: Mood: Annoyed
The longer I tried denying this, the worse I feel. I've come to realize that pretending I don't hate you isn't making anything better. The truth is, I've never hated anyone more. Sometimes I say that I hate someone when I'm talking to one of my friends and i'll be like "oh yeah I hate him/her" but I never mean it. Things are differen't with you. I truly hate you and nothing will ever change that. I don't feel bad for saying this. You have no idea how much you've ruined things. You're so fucking ungrateful and selfish that I can't even stand it anymore. I seriously hope you choke.
Glad that's all out in the open now.
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swimfan14
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2006 26 February :: 12.37pm
You got your own way of looking at it, I guess that proves that I got mine. It's just who we are.
We've come too far to start over now. I know what you're thinking. I'm not always easy to be around but I do love you. You keep me believing that you love me too and I know it's true. This love drives us crazy but nobody's walking away so I guess we'll have to do it the hard way.
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brokenmentality
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2006 26 February :: 12.03pm
yesterday started out pretty rough.... but fortunately got better.
we went and saw brokeback mountain... it was really good. keegan didnt like it. whatever.
then we went to oasis. that was nice.
and then this morning he wouldnt make me french toast because he has to complain and whine about everything. so i had frozen waffles. i just want to be treated like a princess like other girls. their boyfriends make them breakfast. mine wont even cook.
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swimfan14
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2006 24 February :: 11.41pm
Tonight was really good I guess you could say.
First I went to Aarons after school and then we went to the game.
I seen Ryan Case there and I was really happy. I haven't seen him in a while and then I was just walking and someone called my name and I turned and it was Martha and Ashleigh. I was so excited. I haven't seen either of them in over a year now. Martha had a baby named Alex and he's 6 months old and Ashleigh's baby is 5 months old and her name is Haleigh. They both were so cute. I was holding them the whole time.
Oh and so then of course I'm just minding my own business when Sara comes up to me and she either heard Josh saying this to someone or he told her but anyways I guess he was saying how he wanted his cousin to meet me because he has the biggest crush on me and blah blah blah and so Sara said I should go talk to him and I was hell no that's not going to happen. It's too akward for me now. It's fine not knowing if someone has a crush on you and yeah if you have a crush on them then that's perfect but when you don't it just makes things akward and it basically made things 10 time worse when he wrote a fucking SONG about me. I've never had anyone do that before and it's just a little weird esp. since in the song it said "I want to love you forever." Yeah..that's what I said. It's just too much for me and I don't know how he became so in "love" with me since I've never liked him back and i've also never lead him on. He loves me but he doesn't know who I am and of course after the game Aaron and I are walking to my car and Josh is also in the parking lot and he has to make it known that i'm outside so he starts talking really loud so Josh can hear him and look over and see us.... It's just too fucking weird for me. First I get flowers by one boy and now im getting songs by another. It's not really cute unless you actually are dating this person. Now I'm just getting annoyed by this whole thing and I feel bad for complaining about this it's just I need to vent right now and everyone else in the world is sleeping.
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking. When you fall, everyone stands, and you've had your fill of sinking.
Say what??
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