No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

:: 2005 30 September :: 11.13pm

Just a notice:

I'm alive, and still have a home. Hurray.

Hope everyone's doing well, and I still read all the journals on my friends list nearly every day.

:: 2005 23 September :: 5.17pm

Hurricane Rita.
It's going to hit us late tonight and tomorrow, but by then it'll be a 'tropical storm'. Winds are supposed to get up to be 40-60 with 'strong wind gusts at times', which wouldn't be so bad, except that I live in a trailer. We're not leaving either. I think a few of our neighbors are, though.

Oh. Isn't it funny that our RV is more likely to survive these winds than our trailer?

We've got some kids from New Orleans at our school, I think, in the younger grades. Poor kids. Poor people who evacuated from Louisiana, just to get hit by Hurricane Rita, and then there's the tornadoes that will probably spring up because of the front from the north hitting the air from the hurricane.

I think I've only ever seen a 100% chance of rain a couple of times before. The one time that I remember vividly was when I was around 4 years old. I went outside and was swinging around a pole under the stairs (in the apartment complex we used to live in). It was misting. It never rained.

Fun.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go outside for a bit. The wind's only around 15 mph right now. Nevermind all the sand.

Yay windchimes.

:: 2005 18 September :: 3.23am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Mad World" - Gary Jules

And I Find It Kind Of Funny
I Find It Kind Of Sad..
I'm reading three books currently:
Animal Farm, by George Orwell, for English III.
Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury, for myself.
Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte, for myself.

Books to be read:
Eldest, by Christopher Paolini, for myself.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, by JK Rowling, for myself (rereading it).

Fun, fun.

Isn't it great how amazingly screwed up things can get? Kind of keeps you on your toes. Thank God for fan-fiction and books to distract you from reality. Too bad you've always got to come back.

Hopefully scheduling a doctors appointment on Tuesday or Wednesday. I need it. Also, supposed to get a haircut and license sometime this week. Hurrah.

Well, it's 3:29AM now, so I really should go sleep a few hours; don't want to sleep too late.

:: 2005 17 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: accomplished

So tuesday....

So today...wednesday...i cleaned all day....yes exciting no?...look at this site:
http://www.spitzer.caltech.edu/Media/happenings/20050816/ Im famous....mwhhahhahahaha...heeee...and my life's story is there...*shifty eyes*

Im experimenting with the tag thingy so bare with me...I go to take my permit test on friday!!!!!...yes...i know a bit late but hey...im cool with that

Thursday night is the StarBucks grand opening....yay!!!!...im prolly just gonna go with my mom on friday morning so yeah...

Tuesday....eh...lets just say im not going to change my plans to fit others plans...not if i need to do something....lets just say...angry rage radiating from michelle all day....grrrr....

I'm makin a scarf.....mwahhahaha..

:: 2005 13 August :: 9.02pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Listen to your Heart

Hmmmmmmmm...
Ok so its been...3 days since ive updated....yeah...well...so Roxy came back friday afternoon....then i hung out with nick at the mall for an hour or so then we found roxanne and jessika...it was fun..1. I hadnt talked to Nick in forever 2. Our group was kinda there to hand and chill...twas fun! I bought some Gir shoe laces and a baby blue feather boa....lol..yep...it was fun...

So im hoping to call some peeps later and set up a gettogether on tuesday or thursday...prolly 12-4or5....Just go hang at Market place..i need to get some books...possibly clothes...yes...we can do lunch and the like...coffee....!!!!I plan to call people....O.o..o.Obe pre-pared!!!!!!!in the infinate words of scar...

So yep.....Roxy dreded Jessikas hair..and then they showed up at my house with Eric....*random person of the day*

Roxannes mom is kinda crazy.....she threw away stuff outta roxannes room....and roxy didnt get a chance to look at 1/2 of it....

My dad yelled at my brother and i for like 30 min about the garage key.....how he couldnt find it and how it was all our faults....i checked my room and the like...then thought it might be out in the garage...it was sitting in plain sight ontop of the BBQ.....so i yelled at him slightly and went to my room to practice my cello....damn blind parents....

Sam called my today *dazed and confused*...he was decent...but we got to talking about this next year....he called my a hopless romantic...mainly cause i started singing " someday my prince will come!"....it was kinda weird...just cause he had been such an ass....* insert un-haa..+ sigh faces* boys...(i miss ryan)...:(...lol

But then love falls apart,
And a little peice of heaven,
Turns to dust.

In your eyes, people see life... You see yourself
as just an average person! You enjoy life, love
wildlife, but also enjoy time with those who
know you best. You like to get outdoors and let
your mind wander over all of the mysteries god
gave to you. You don't really have a certain
sanctuary because you're so well-rounded, but
you like having fun and adventures, but can
also be found sitting quietly about, reading a
book. You have a pretty good life ahead of you,
never trade it for anything else :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire element
Your element is Fire. Like fire, you have a hot
temper and you can be warm and loving as well
and angry and wild. It all really comes down to
what you are feeling. You have a lot of close
friends who you are very protective over, and
with your temper probably some enemies too. You
are not Miss/Mr Popular in school since you are
your own person and don't want to be forced
into behaving this or that way. You are the
untamed wild horse, the kind that everyone
wants to catch. But you don't want to be tied
down for the moment and just keep going with
your little crushes. Your will is strong and if
you set your mind to do something, you will
most likely succeed. But beware, your friends
may not always accept your mood-swinging
behaviour. Even if you don't mean to be mean,
they can still feel hurt. You just need to
start thinking some things through before you
do them, and not always jump in with so much
courage. One day you may be hurt because of
that, but then again, your element isn't fire
if you start to analyse situations before you
act. After all, your nature is to shoot first
and ask the questions later. Rate and message!

What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2005 30 July :: 1.14am
:: Mood: chipper/sick
:: Music: "Pretty Girl" - Sugarcult

Schedule for Junior Year.
1st Semester:
Photojournalism.
Web Mastering (try to change to Multimedia).
English 3.
Theater Arts.
Chemistry.
-
2nd Semester:
Dance.
Keyboarding / Word Processing.
Algebra 2.
US History Pre-AP.
Psychology / Sociology.
-
Whoooooo -falls over.-

I hope, oh, I hope, that this year is a greeaat one, and I hope these classes are good. ^^

We have 10 (I think) new teachers at Tatum. Wow. New choir, band, journalism, and drill team teachers. And some others for other subjects.

Whee. Junior year.

<3.

4 worthless words | help me

:: 2005 29 July :: 9.25pm

Im back for two days�.

Cali was a load of fun�we worked at the spitzer most of the time. There was a girl Carolyn, she helped us work with the Unix program�she had a British accent. .lol it was awesome�we also worked with Debra, the coordinator�she was Lebanese �and we worked with Howard Chun , he was from Japanese and we worked with Sheila and Don who were both German�accents galore!!! It was great! They want us to go to Washington D.C to present the stuff we worked on ( Cataclysmic Variable stars with mass donors using IRAC)and possibly think up a symposium to get more kids involved in the space program�example: working the with Spitzer Space Telescope to look at and figure the chemical make up of a star�yeah if any of you are interested e-mail me. But neways�.we went to Venice beach and I got some awesome clothing..and we went to call tech and I got a tee�it was fun.

Eh�my mom�*smacks her*�grrr�sure ill take you shopping�op..never mind..you are just leaving Sunday morning and don�t have enough shirts that meet the dress code�oh no..ill just watch my shows and plan to go canoeing tomarrow and leave you two hours to pack frantically cause you cant wash your clothing until tomarrow�.ARG shes so�grrrrr�

* Sigh *

damn windows program�.oh hey I can only go to the fair on the 4 ,5 or 6�soo�who else wants to come with me? * bats eyelashes * please!!!!!!

MY SONG TODAY

Fefe Dobson

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Kiss me fool, if you care
If your words have any meaning.
Playing it cool is so unfair
Why this veil of secrecy?
God forbid, your friends found out what we did
Why can't someone like you be someone like me?

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Touch me fool, if your allowed.
I'll be dancing in the corner
It's so cruel to play it proud, take your hands and cover me.
I'm aware that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

And it hurts me so bad to deny it, oooh
These feelings are out of control.
Do you know what it's like to want something so bad...
And then having to let it go?
And it hurts me to know that this time in our lives...
So soon will be in the past
And you spend it pretending your playing it cool.
Never knowing,
Never knowing,
Never knowing what,
Never knowing what we should've been.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
You've got me wondering if I'm good enough.
Pretty enough, giving enough, special enough

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me.........?

(rock music...oh yeah)

:: 2005 28 July :: 2.44am
:: Music: "Bottom of a Bottle" - Smile Empty Soul

When I-
I wonder why I try
And I -
Wonder why I bother
And I -
I wonder why I cry
Why I -
I go through all this trouble
- S.E.S.

Blah.

School starts back on August 10th. Junior year.

Not much to update about..

.. Well, there is kind of a bit to update about, but I mostly don't post on online journals anymore. I still check my 'friends list' and 'subscriptions' [Woohu, Livejournal, Xanga].. But that's about it.

I wonder.. when we paid that $2.. How long does that last? I don't even really remember whether it was a year or two ago that we did all that.. hrm..

Aye well.

I think I'll go and read my fan-fiction again.

Oy. I -did- read the Half-Blood Prince. Cried quite a bit. Still not entirely convinced about Snape and whether he's good or bad. Not sure which I want him to be.

Guess we'll find out in the last book, eh?

12 worthless words | help me

:: 2005 22 July :: 10.11pm
:: Music: Moon Baby-Godsmack

wagajkfehwv
well...
So...life.....arg...

Why is it so hard to express emotions and thoughts in sequences of letters and words that people can understand....?

Ok...latley my jaw has been really bugging me....i have an underbite due to the over-growth of my jaw and it ...ok so if i chew like gum or gummy like things my jaw muscles tighten and cramp up..it hurts...so for like 5 min i have to sit and streatch my jaw back so its not all locked up. Also i realized that my face is also messed up from it...since my jaw protrudes further then my skull does it ccauses my lower lip to jut out slightly more then my upper...and my teeth are severly spaced...eh....and my teeth effect the way i eat...i cant properly break things with my teeth...eh....i just wanna be fixed...

Im almost half-way through Harry Potter and the Half Blood prince...i like it sofar...

My sister gave me a call lastnight and asked me if i was willing to clean her dishes and fold laundry for her for like 20 dollars.so i agree...i mean im in a nervous mood so i enjoy cleaning...so i walk in...and look at her sink...her dishes growled at me......*scared O.o look* ....i was so scared...and her laundry was eating her appartment...lol...i vacumed as well...it wasnt to bad just really time consuming...lol

I leave for Cali on sunday morning.....eh...roxy and i were going to try and do something tonight but dad decided that i couldnt...apparently it better if i have only 12pm to3 am instead of a full 24 hours....grrrr...roxanne and ill prolly wont get to see eachother for 3 weeks...eh...frustration...

Weird dreams...

Our group went to a movie and i couldnt stop laughing and seriously almost died of laughter...(i woke up and my face was in my pillow....)and everyone was staring at me....eh...then everyone put their faces within bitting distance of mine...eh....too close...too close!!!!!!

So ill try to update tomarrow...before i leave...

:: 2005 9 July :: 6.02am

>\. Lefties.
"Difficult or stressful births happen far more commonly among babies who grow up to be left-handed or ambidextrous."

So, I'm left-handed because I died when I was born? [Umbilical cord wrapped 'round my neck, no oxygen, heart stopped, was revived, voila, here I am.]

"A study published in 1991 claimed that these statistics indicate that lefties' lifespans are shorter than those of their right-handed counterparts by as much as 9 years. They explained this gap by asserting that left-handed people are more likely to die in accidents as a result of their affliction, which renders them clumsier and ill-equipped to survive in a right-handed world."

.. -Glare.-

Lefties shall prevail!

.. Just had to update because of that.

2 worthless words | help me

:: 2005 8 July :: 11.05am

Pretenses.
Overwhelmed by emotions,
Or overwhelmed by emptiness?
(I can't pretend that I feel it anymore)

In love with the memories that weren't real
The ones imagined in the dead of the night
(When we were looking for excuses to stay)

There was nothing in all that we were
No deeper meaning behind the shallow words
(I love you, I need you, I love you, please stay)

Pretending that there was something hidden
Deep below the surface of our make-believe love
(If I tell myself this, it'll be true; it'll work out)

Telling ourselves that when we look back on it
It'll be something more, and we weren't lying
(I really felt something, it wasn't pretend, really)

Saying goodbye with crushed forget-me-nots
Hoping you'll figure out the message, the truth
(If I wanted you to remember, I'd still be there)

A rose is not a rose when it's been burned to ashes
There's nothing still there to make it what it was
(Pretenses are the only meanings that matters)

You might have loved me, but I didn't love you
Take another step, and you might fall again.
(Say goodbye now before it starts once more)

It doesn't matter to me.
(I'm sick of the lies.)

:: 2005 7 July :: 9.04am

Bombings in London.
Listening/watching the news... A series of bombings in London. Numbers of the dead are rising as they find them. TV says over 150 injured, at least 45 dead, and to expect the numbers to rise.

Scary times we're living in. Horrible people..

And we're just watching the numbers rise on television.

AOL news as of around 9 AM behind the cut.

Read more..

:: 2005 5 July :: 7.10pm

em
wah
Ok so...past few days...slightly hektic...July 3rd ran around with Jessika and Roxy...twas roxannes birthday...it was fun..bought a happy bunny poster that says its all about me ....deal with it...ha...We went and saw War of the Worlds...i must say i didnt expect that movie to be very good...but it was. We then went home did fireworks, cake and cleaning of roxannes room...me...eh...

The next day (July 4) and Jessika is laying on Roxannes bathroom floor crying and moaning...She had a pain in her lower left side and was clammy so i thought she had Appendicitis but she only had a kidney stone...i guess thats better...but ive never heard of people getting those so young...but neways...we had to drive all the way to Jessikas house and coax her mom into taking her to the emergency room...eh...mom...grrr...but yeah jessika is good now...thankfully

July 4

Up with only like 6 or 7 hours of sleep...not good for shelly...* above story* went home and was uber cranky and tired and stressed.....bought some f-works then set them off w/roxanne at my house then went to pauls familys area to shoot more off. We were leaving to go watch the works at the SkatePark and Paul kinda chased us cause he didnt listen to Trish when she said she was taking roxy and i to the riverfriont....* he later jumped on Trish's hood as she drove away....smart man...*. The fireworks were pretty...yeah....im more of a lighter then a watcher..lol.. went home and slept.

Yeah..pretty uneventful days....*cough*...yeah Raab is in the hospital....he cut his hand a couple of times and got his tendon in his right hand, index finger infected and had to have surgury today...he prolly wont have much control of that finger after this....( Note* to all those stupid people out the...if you are going to do weird/stupid stuff...do it so you dont kill/maim/disembowl or amputate anything...k?)

Yeah...my parents decided to make sure i knew how much of a burden i am to them and how my being involved in things is a bad setup for them...fine...i know im better and further in my life then they were when they were 16...partly due to them and partly due to me...but im just a burden so it dosnt matter...i hate when they say and do things like that...its actually pretty hard on me since they are why im usually doing things...make them proud...right...when i come back from anything ,competition wise, with anything less then first place my dad is disappointed in me...and my mom uses me to get back at my dad for crap....its annoying...sure i appreciate all they do and give me...but its all given outta spite or anger...thee is always a but attached to anything they touch....sure you can go over to roxannes or jessikas but we will be picking you up at 10 or 11....sure you can go shopping but you have to leave 10 of the 15 you earned...sure...but...sure...but....sure you can live your life but you cant enjoy it....

it was pretty bad today...i coulnt look at myself in the mirror today....*sigh*...my dad is harpering on my about my weight again.....i've had 6 peices of bread today ,an egg and a rootbeer float...yes...i eat so much...eh....im exhausted

What's Your 2005 Summer Anthem?

darksworddancer

:: 2005 2 July :: 12.41pm
:: Mood: touched

Your Summer Anthem is Don't Cha by The Pussycat Dolls

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

Your summer forecast: freaky and full of drama!

Funny thing...i love some of the dance moves in this song...mwahhhahaha...eh....

Yeah so not much is new...i lost a little more weight..which is nice....i want to loose alot more by the end of the summer...

So the Live 8 Aid for Africa thing is today and im kinda blown away...there were showing the concert in london and you couldnt see the end of the crowd from the stage....its awsome...

Dance dance....yeah...i am going to join kimmerlees bellydancing class i think...it'll be fun

oh yeah...my hair is brown now...

:: 2005 30 June :: 7.58pm

Yay!
Dad doesn't have cancer! Everyone is so relieved and happy. Even the dog! o_O

T'is very hot in Texas. I really want to go out and do something, but, as usual, we can't really afford it. That's okay. Maybe I'll go grocery shopping with Mom and Dad tomorrow. It's better than just sitting around here collecting dust.

I was kind of planning on going to Dallas with some friends but my parents decided against it. They've got their reasons. Same old story: can't afford it, it's kind of far away, I'm 15, there's going to be guys, etc. I understand why I can't go. I don't resent them for it. After thinking about it, I guess it might be a good thing instead of a bad thing.

Hm. An attempt at optimism. Kind of working.

Except now, Mom's having heart problems. =\ Things can never be ALL good at once, eh?

Adios.

:: 2005 24 June :: 7.35pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: "Simple and Clean" - Utada Hikaru

Really Need To Read.
I've got.. 4/5 books that I'm in the process of reading. I think I should map out a plan.

1. Pride and Prejudice. (due next Wednesday)
2. The Unhandsome Prince. (need to give it back to Laura soon)
3. The Taking.
4. HP and the CoS.
5. [I'm sure there's another book I'm supposed to be reading, but can't remember the title.]

I've finished "Girl, Interrupted", the other book I checked out from the library, so that's not it.. Oh, well, I'll figure it out later.

Degrassi marathon all weekend long. I've seen almost all of the episodes over 10 times, so I'm not particularly worried about missing it. However, I do think I'll watch the marathon on Sunday, season four(?), because I've not seen them so many times. Then next Friday is the season premiere of Degrassi and Instant Star, a show that I'm not entirely sure about.

Mm. Can't wait 'til Mom and Dad get home with my chedder pretzels and cheese dip. Yes, I'm a cheese-aholic. And a choco-holic. And.. well, that's enough.

I think I have a new nickname. I'm not sure if Skye was joking or not when she said "I'm Moo, you're Cackle," so I guess we'll see. Cackle? Me? Sure, I say/do it alot, but... Cackle? XD.

Anywho, I'm off to do whatever. 'Bye.
-Ash

:: 2005 21 June :: 1.29pm

Curses.
Rah, rah, rah. Confusion and boredom consumes me.

I want to go out! I wanna do fun, summer things!

... but... With whom? How? Where?

Ah, well.

Quizzes, stolen from ChibiKeriana, behind the cut.

Read more.. They're mostly true.

:: 2005 10 June :: 9.45pm

Waaaaaa....

NICK!!!!! Control GWEN,JESSIKA and ASHLEY...PLEASE!!!!!They....arg...frustration...

So the other day i biked to roxannes house...it was cool ...except for biking to the top of the hill by nicks house...seeing the gate blocking my way down the huge hill...grr...but we made my dress for ash's party...its pretty.....

So im hanging with niki tonight...eh..comp is barking at me...Winn Patrol Scotty Dog....right....well...yes our last sleepover till august :'(

yes so im less stressed..yay....bye

JustADreamer

:: 2005 7 June :: 8.33pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: "I Would Die For You" - Garbage

OMGHS YOUR SO KEWL.
Ooh, mishter, yer radio getz REEEL lowd! Tha'sh, like, aweszomezsz.

I live in the outskirts of a small town. Lots of people around us, particularly Mexicans. I'm not racist. I repeat, I am NOT racist. In fact, one of my best friends is Mexican. Truly.

However, the whole riding down the road, windows rolled down, radio blasting some Mexican song with particularly annoying bass rhythms that repeats over and over throughout the whole song, which happens to last well over five minutes, so that everyone around you (and within a five-mile proximity) can hear this magnificent song that makes him/her want to drill a whole through his/her own head, or yours... is not cool.

End of that subject. [end of song; The Killers CD begins.]

There's something I left off of that entry yesterday.

+We found out that Dad might have cancer again.

Yeah. Nervous about that... hope everything turns out okay.

But I'd rather not talk about that!

The new Coldplay CD came out today.. However, they didn't have it at Wal-Mart. Sadness feels me. Er, rather, I feel sadness. ...o_O;

Dance, dance.

... Did Drew ever give me my Killers CD back? -ponders.-

Anyway, I guess I don't really have much to say.. Just had to vent a wee bit about the music thing. Aheh.

Hope everyone's safe, sound, and healthy. If not, become so.

Will the thunder ever stop? From here, looking at the blinds, everything seems orange. Weird.

[five minutes later]

Yay pictures of the sky. Always fun. Especially when one part of the sky is ominous dark blue clouds, one part is pinkish fluffy ones, and another part is orangey/blackish, just plain scary/evil-looking clouds. Oh, and a little bit of blue sky in spots.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
^Not photomanipulated.

It's been raining off and on all day, and thundering ALL day. Interesting weather. 'Supposed to do the same tomorrow, I think.

Funny how quickly it gets dark..

15 worthless words | help me

JustADreamer

:: 2005 6 June :: 1.59am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: [tv] Fresh Prince

Woohu, Journal Makeover.
For some reason, the weird color combination looks cool to me. I shall keep it. For now.

Well, I hardly ever use this journal anymore, but I felt it deserved at least a little bit of attention. -Pets journal.- There, there. I've not forgotten about you, my love.

Deedle dee.

Starbucks is teh moonrockeries. The kerflunkety. The awesomest.

And I feel like such a geek. Because I am one. Got a problem with it? Well, do you?

Hm. Tawney is supposed to be coming in for a visit on Wednesday. Actually, she's supposed to leave this morning (Monday morning), and stay for nine weeks.

Oh, how I long for a rainy atmosphere.

And, oh, how overly dramatic I feel.

-Faints into arms of journal.-

...

Okay, that's enough.

Here's basically what's happened since I've made a proper entry, or rather, what's happened that I can't remember whether I've written in here or not.

+School's out. Yay!
+I'm single. Happily single.
+I did well on my state tests.
+I did well on my report card.
+I've gotten in fights with a few friends.
+We've made up.
+Asa's been to visit, for a week.
+He's left, also.
+Something that was supposed to happen a while back finally did.
+The above means that I don't have to go to the doctor.
+[I pity you if you figure out what those two sentences mean.]

And currently,
+I want coffee.

I wonder if every time I visit this site I'll want coffee. Aheh.

I miss mah Starbucks.

Hope everyone's summer is going well!
-Ash

7 worthless words | help me

:: 2005 22 May :: 8.16pm
:: Music: radio

...
Yeah ,so I�m close to cracking I cant take it anymore�my little brother sat and laughed at me while I was in my room crying�.and he called me insensitive�this kinda crap happens often�when I need someone to be slightly supportive they leave or mock me�.i cant take I anymore�when I need to talk to someone ,its not an often thing, I need someone to be there and talk to�it tends to keep ,me together but when they leave because someone else calls or they just have to go it sucks�cause then I cry�I hate crying�with a passion�for me I s\wish it were impossible�.it would make life easier�.

I ve been depressed for the past few months and I don�t know why..i used to be so happy and now im not�.what happened?�I don�t even find joy in some of the things that used to bring tears of happiness to my eyes��I hate being dependent upon people�.it sucks�I always let them down or they let me down�or we do something stupid that affects someone else or something selfish�

I ave gotten to the point were ..arg�.i had all this done not minutes ago but my fucking computer of hell froze up and I could update�

Colten and Raab officially piss me off�.they are both boar headed morons who think of no one but themselves�.

I hate life�.i cant except things the way they are�and those things I can accept I don�t take action toward�something make me so pissed off that I turn red but then there are things that make my heart flutter and for a moment im so happy is scary�.but I never take action toward them..i hate mayself for it�

I hate cant stand to hear my name anymore�.when I talk to adults they always talk about how responsible and reliable I am�..i cant even take care or control some of my emotions now�where do they get this crap from?�

I feel like my heart and mind are breaking for no reason�I don�t know why�I don�t have a reason for it�or even and idea�I wish I was a phoenix right now so I coult just burn up and be reborn out of the ashes twice as wise and twice as ready for people�

I cant take people who tell me their problems and all that crap and rant to me but when I need someone to do the same thing they leave�they always leave�ir cant handle it or �or just don�t care�I rarly need someone to rant and spill to but it seems when I need people like that they always are waiting for another call or someone magically calls or they just don�t want to hear it�people call me crying and I drop all im doing to help them deal�but I don�t get the same courtesy�*sigh* yes I being a bitch..if you cant deal with it then leave�

So somethings have been bothering m lately�something is kinda bottled up and put away for a bit�.

At xmas shayla, jessic and I were going to do a present swap. Shayla and I were going to give Jessica a present, me and jessika were going to give shayla a gift and shayla and jessika were going to get me one�well shayla and Jessica each received their gifts and guess who didn�t�.yeah like that�s a new occurrence�and I didn�t say anything to them because It was the giving season and I pretended it didn�t bother me�.so they kept making promises that they would get me the gift soon�.and I acted like I didn�t care�so finally they are like we�ll just give you double birthday presents�so I was ok and acted like I didn�t care�.so this past week they were like so are wqe going to do the xmas thing again? And I say� have fun with it cause im not doing it again� and they wondered why I didn�t want to and I told them because I didn�t want to be left out again�.they promised it wouldn�t happen again but I say no�I don�t believe them�they are too thick to work together�.

Rochie has been bugging me for a bit cause shes been really mean latly..and you know I know people get like that�but it�s a constant thing�and then I see her with other people and shes totally cool but then shell talk to me and she just seems to be in a bad mood again�.im tired of her good cop bad cop act�it bugs me..

I like ryan a lot..he can make me laugh�its nice..but he is leaving so im drawing away from him so im not a mope when he leaves�� my mom isn�t helping ..i cant talk to anyone right now�.i cant handle it�.i cant even handle my family talking in the kitchen

2 worthless words | help me

JustADreamer

:: 2005 22 May :: 1.13am

I'm not your star.
Same old, same old.

Nothing really new.

I should really try to write...

Maybe I'll get more writing in during the summer.

Three and a half days of school left.

But really, only, like, two.

The last one and a half days are exams.

hm.

I feel kind of..

Weird.

It's a little unnerving..

Things not being how they were...

A few months ago.

[The title is a clue.]

Not that I'm, like...

Er.

Nevermind.

Sorry for the confusing, mindless ramble.

Ignore it.

But I'm not going to delete it.

Because I don't feel like it.

I'll try and update again soon.

I guess.

:: 2005 14 May :: 4.25pm
:: Music: radio

Yeah so friday i was in art class and crossed my legs like one leg ontop of the other...and accidently went all the way ap ryans leg in the process....yeah...it was bad.....then we all went out and burnt snowflakes...hehe..

Christinas b-day was fun...she wasnt acting the entire time so it was cool!

Im really tired right now...eh....sleep or maybe ill go out...i kinda want to go rollerskating or something...i worked outside for a bit toay...it was nice and warm...then it got cloudy...grrrr.....im gonna go clean my room now! Oh and i got my cell...yay!!!!!

:: 2005 8 May :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: radio

So not much to update....someone took some affirmative action for me concerning ryan...now everything is strange...eh

Nick cut off a large part of his head....i mean hair...it was weird.....he kinda reminded me of a G. I Jo.......lol....we didnt recognize him when he walked in at Applebees..lol

So other then michelle and her boy obsessions flux not much is happening...oh i am getting my Cell on wednesday or thursday!!!!YAY!