:: 2004 19 March :: 5.26 pm
:: Mood: blank

ya know I couldda left the mood blank but none yall wouldda gotten it.
So I already wrote this journal once, but it didnt get posted... Slackin Andy? lol no I love this site so I'll write the whole thing again.
So I had a nice night last night. And youre prolly asking what happened to let me have a nice night, since I havent been having them. Well let me tell ya... I drank... it was fun.
I went out last night to a friends house and drank and it was lovely. I deffinately need to do it more. And I dont think that I do it for its getting drunk purposes, I just like to try new drinks. On St. Patty's day I had some Bacardi O... BLAH... no straight.. BLAH. But that was so little that it doesnt count. Then last night I had everything that had the word apple in it and mixed it all together and about fell on my ass. lol. Maybe I need to get that tolerance back up there.
But yes, this drinking thing is becoming enjoyable. And hey, whats happening tonight... lets ask Mal (as if shes here... i'm at work bored to death)... Mal what we doing tonight... "I dont know Mica what we doin?"... are we possibly going to the intersection for a concert?.... "Yes I believe we are".... awesome.... "Hey Mica will we be drinking tonight"... Yes, I believe we are... "Score"....
Ok so ya wanna know the really stupid part... no that wasnt it. lol. The stupid part is I wrote something like that the last time I wrote this journal entry. lol. So I'm a loser twice now.
Work this weekend... bored. Come visit me. I'm bored.

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 17 March :: 3.44 pm
:: Mood: :-(

Who knows
So I'm now in this intermediate stage. I feel like shit because I hurt the boy that I love. Flat out I hate to hear him cry and know that its my fault. But I'm also kinda proud of myself. Kinda proud that I decided to do something for myself. I think that if I were to be uninvolved in the situation this wouldda been the obvious answer. But since I am involved this sucks.
I really dont know what to say. I miss him, yes. Still love him, yes. I dont think that those are things that will go away... at least not right away. I hurt, yes... again I am just hoping that eventually that goes away.
And I'm not ruling out being with him ever. I'm just hoping that this break up gives us enough time apart to grow as people. To stand on our own two feet and find out EXACTLY what we want from life and if what we want can really happen.
Maybe all this time that I thought I wanted to be with John forever I was wrong. Or maybe I was right. I dont know, but I think that this break up will tell me or not.
And it sucks so much. It really sucks so much. And from the sounds of it John doesnt want to be my friend. Which I can understand. I think it would be very hard to be friends with someone you love. And I dont think any less of him if he decides to not be around in my life. I respect that. But I guess I'm selfish. I want him in my life and I want to be able to talk to him. And I hope he gets a gf who can help him figure out what he wants and how to act. I hope that he has all the happiness in the world... he deserves it. And I hope that I am around to see it and be around it... I hope...

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2004 17 March :: 3.18 am
:: Mood: better

Problem solved
I had a chat today and I have decided on what to do. It sucks... like it really does. But I seriously have talked about it with so many people tonight and I have decided on what has to be done. And from that I have to talk to John. I will not put it into a journal before talking about it with him. Its not fair to let him read first... so we need to talk.

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2004 16 March :: 10.11 pm
:: Mood: keepin on with the cryin

Shell
So I am cold. I am constantly cold. I dont know why I'm cold. I hate being cold. The word cold could be replaced with so many things. But its no metaphore today. I really am cold.
Also, I'm feeling fake. I just now feel like I am going through the motions of life. I go to dance because thats what I do is go to dance, I talk to friends because thats what I do is talk to friends, etc. But none of it is meaning anything to me. Not to say that the current situation was my reason to do things. But I certainly felt a lot better about myself. Is that sick? Is it something that I've been wrong and now I'm some sort of giant loser who is all shallow and shit? I like to think no. I like to think that it is normal and given some time everything will work out and I will feel good again. Everything will have meaning again.... with or without John.
But for now I'm cold and empty. Hmmm maybe thats why I'm cold. Empty things get cold... like no insulation... like an empty thremos (yeah I dont know if thats how you spell it). I'm a hot coco-less filled thermos. Now I think I should go fill up my thermos here at the dorm. If this is how it feels to be a cold thermos I'll fill that suckka up right now. Its easy to fix it. All I have to do is put the water in the microwave... dump in the powder... and I'm set.
Now for the big metaphore- (does metaphore have an e on the end? seriously someone answer me... my vote is yes) Anyway here it is. What do you do when you leave things up to someone else to make the coco? I mean I dont want them to make me coco if it really bothers them that I have coco. Like what if they are allergic to chocolate? Then I dont want any coco. But secretly I always want coco. I just dont want to kill the allergic one. And I dont want theallergic one to brave the coco just because I want some... thatd be mean.
So for now I'm a cold, empty thermos with no coco....

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2004 15 March :: 5.19 pm
:: Mood: still crying

Do you know how much it sucks to hurt so bad and know that you have all the power in the world to stop the hurt but you just wont do it?

I've came up with a new way to fix the problem. I am leaving it up to God (thanks Mal) and I told John what to do to fix things and I dont want to write out what it is becuase then it will change the actions of people.

So right now, I'm holding out hope that all will work out. We'll see...

gimmie a ring