upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.37pm
Why is it that so many people have so many problems? There are so many nasty things to get involved in. I just feel like us humans aren't much different than a herd of buffalo, except dumber. We start to stampede, running, who knows where. Then we reach a cliff and most of us just keep running and end up falling off that cliff. No matter what it might be, drugs, alcohol, sex, we just keep running, like it's all going to be okay. But the rest of us, the few that don't fall over the edge, we are the smarter ones. The ones that said, "No we will not let ourselves die mindlessly." We would rather face our fears and our insecurities than running from them and destroying ourselves in the process.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 17 January :: 12.31am
When you find something out that has already happened, why do you always think of a way to make up for it now?
So I found somethings out tonight. Things that border on the edge of me losing this precious balance of contentment that I hold. Things that would actually cause me to cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if they don't understand this about me, or that I'm just part of a bigger world which tells them the way I feel is not possible. When I tell someone that I love them I mean that.
My love knows no bounds, and it's not conditional. That's why I fought it for so long the first time. Because of what I knew it would mean. But they don't understand. They don't understand the depth, the connection. There is very little that I wouldn't do for either of them if they asked. These tears sting.
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gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 10 January :: 11.28am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Do You Fell Like We Do?" Peter Frampton
The New Year, New School
Well I just got out of my softball coaching theory class. It seems like it will be pretty easy. There are only like 8 guys and 20 girls though. That's to be expected. I feel like I have an advantage because I've learned so much already. He talked about throwing technique and knowing the rules. Well, I'm a rules expert and we've only been focusing on throwing technique for the last three years, so I think I will be in pretty good shape.
On another note, I'm glad to be getting back to school. Finally I have something else to think about besides the largely depressingly insane, hate filled foggy haze I've been ever since I found out that she was seeing someone else. I'm also looking forward to it because I'm tired of being propositioned by girls that, yes, if I were desparate I would do something about, but I'm not that desparate, yet.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 5 January :: 10.33am
It was feeling that was there so long ago. The things I'm feeling now are the things that I was feeling before. Entrapment. I want to run away to get away so bad. I want her to be able to talk to me like a civil human being and I don't want to be mad at her any more. But there is nothing I can do about that. I wish we could forget the whole thing and just be friends, but we can't. I can't even give in to call her. I won't because of my pride. And my pride was genuinely hurt. That's why I hope this Saturday that things will change. That I will have a great night and I will be in a mood to go for something I've never been brave enough to do before.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2004 16 December :: 12.29pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Theme from "Hey Dude": Do you remember that show from Nickelodeon?
People
I think it's a breaking point. It's a point that comes in life where you can either give in to life and let life win, or you can fight back. I look in my life for people that haven't let life take them over. Or at least people who have the potential. People who I think will be something more than what life says they are. I can't think of too many people at work who will ever overcome where they are at. One person I do consider like that is Dustin. No matter what happens in life he is not going to let it get to him. See, I thought Shari was like that. I thought that she could be something more, something so much more. That is why it is so frustrating to think about her now. Yes, she may be happy, but she could be so much more. That is why it is disapointing for me to think about Jessa. Yeah, she's happy, and I'm happy for her, but I thought she could be something more than what she is at this point. Life (marriage and children) have gotten to her. Not that it's a bad thing, and knowing her, she's going to go after it, I know she will. Then that brings me to Kim. Someone who is so much smarter than me, someone who I see so much in, that's why it frustrates me.
Today I began to wonder if I was one of those people. I'm beginning to doubt that I am one of those special people. Yeah, I know a lot. I'm somewhat smart, but not as intelligent as some people. I'm average. My job doesn't really give me great satisfaction. I keep making small mistakes, but I feel as if I shouldn't be making any. I was out to dinner with my parents on Firday night and they talked to some people that they knew and those people talked about where their kids were going to college. How their daughter was getting ready to go to Harvard Law and their son was in Florida at some top aeronautics school. Also how they were paying for their kids to go to school. My dad was just kind of looking at me and he said, "it must be nice." There was this tone of disappointment in his voice. I couldn't figure out where it was directed. If it was directed at me because I have to balance work and my grades suffer, because I wasn't good enough to go those places, or if he was disappointed in himself that he couldn't do that for me. Maybe I'm not one of those people anymore. Maybe I've let life get on top of me. Maybe I've let life break me too.
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gimmie a ring
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