Girls
Tonight is just one of those nights. One of those nights where I know exactly why I am crying, but I won’t tell her. I won’t tell any of you directly. You’ll just have to guess, good luck.

It’s been such a hard day. From seeing someone I didn’t want to see. Well, not that I didn’t want to see, but someone who brings back some bad memories that I wished hadn’t happened. And then seeing someone I really wanted to see, only to be disappointed by the entire endeavor. Why is it always females? No, I’m not going on some raving post about how I don’t understand women, nor how much I hate women. It’s just a decent human problem that I seem only to have with females, and today reminded me of that.

Boy do I want to just let it all loose now. This pain, and yes it is real pain, that I am feeling in my chest and the heaviness of my eyes just wants me to let loose. Why won’t I? Is it because I won’t let myself? I am allowed to be weak. I think it’s one of my greatest assets. That I can be weak, that I can show that to people.

First, the person that I did not really want to see again. Mostly I’ll talk about this because it’s what brings up most of my problems that I can think of with girls. Only because it involves three of them, with two conspiring against me to basically ruin my life because of my feelings for the third. Why does it have to be so awkward? So what is the big deal? I had a crush on her. Good for me. The other two blew that for me by 1. Writing a note informing her of that crush, 2. By being a willing delivery person playing games with my life, which you thought was fine. Well, okay. So you didn’t mess up that bad. Except for the fact that she is a nice person who I wouldn’t really mind having a friendship with, but now all that chance that ever existed is gone because of one stupid moment in my senior year of high school, that had, in reality, very little to do with me being stupid. So part one of my sorrow does not really inform parts two or three, but it does tell you that I had a rough day with all the thoughts above coming before noon today.

Second was actually born out of one and three but I’ll make it second anyway. Where the hell did you all come from? Where the hell were you when I was lonely? Where were you when I was afraid that I had no hope with the female persuasion? Where were you when I had no confidence in myself? Please tell me where. Now that I have a girlfriend, all of you are like, “I had a crush on you” or “I love you” (no offense to the two of you whom I am actually quoting, I like the sentiment, just resent the timing, besides, you are not the only ones). After that date I had at the end of my freshman year of college, I did not notice it for what it was. I was too wrapped up in her feeling for me to really look deeper and realize that I may be desirable to females. That all that time I spent in high school waiting for girls to grow up and get a clue, that it’s not about image, that that time had come. I missed it I guess. Or I’m living in it now.

Third, and the biggest reason of them all, is her. And none of it matters because I love her. And I really cannot say anything about this because it hurts so much. It’s just when it happens it leads to so much disappointment. I know it really shouldn’t but it does. It’s not my life, it’s hers. And it’s hers to do what she wants with it. I just feel like she’s trying to run away. That’s what happened the first time. She tried to run because she didn’t want to face it. Now I’m afraid that’s what she’s doing again. Setting herself up to run. It hurts so much to say that there is nothing I can do for her but when it comes down to it, I really can’t. There’s times where the feelings I get are just so out there and off the wall that I can’t understand the things coming out of my head. I can’t make her change. I can’t even attempt to make her change, not that I would if I could. It was just such a big disappointment. I don’t want her to know that. That’s why after she told me I wouldn’t let her look into my eyes. No matter what she says about not being able to communicate through each other’s eyes, it was so apparent in mine tonight. I know she could see that and that’s why she tried what she could. But it didn’t work. It’s not working now. So many things I want to say. So many things I want to scream, but I never will. I’ll just linger here in silence. Alone, waiting for the next disappointment to fall. That’s what she says, and maybe she’s right. Why should I expect anything? Life just leads to disappointment.

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