Kandy

Kandy

:: 2012 6 January :: 11.04pm

Woke up early with the girls but at least callie was happy! Autumn went directly downstairs and stayed down.mainly because I had to start diapers. Callie and I came back up to make breakfast. We had scrambled eggs and toast. After callie finished I let her get down while I finished my grocery list for next week. Mean while I hear what sounds like glass and then tin foil rustling. Upon further investigation I see that she has gotten into the candy jar (glass with metal top) and stolen a christmas peanut butter cup, fully un wrapped it including the paper (rustling tin foil). I figured if she did all the work she might as well get to eat it. So I took pictures instead! After that she brought me yogurt melts because apparently 1.5 eggs and a piece if toast was not enough.
Finally autumn realized she was hungry and came upstairs. I was on the phone with grandma and after that I gave autumn cereal and started the bath. We then went up and woke daddy up. We came down for a snack. And then played around for a little while. We had lunch and then went for a walk. We came back and callie fell asleep on the changing table. Autumn went downstairs to watch phineas and ferb while I called around for my lab order. Daddy and callie woke up at around 245. We had fruit snacks. Then Daddy and autumn went to the lab for me and were back by 330. We play on the floor and played in the living room for a while. Then we all got hungry so we put in pizza. We eat and then have cookies for dessert. We cuddle on the couch and watch kung fu panda! Hanging out on the living room floor and then go to bed. Great night.

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rayray

:: 2012 3 January :: 10.24am

I have actually been enjoying Mike being home for the past week. He has helped with Reagan a ton. And he drives me everywhere I have to go. Not to mention we've gotten stuff done around the house. Definitely needed this and I'm not ready for him to go back to work.

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rayray

:: 2011 26 December :: 3.09pm

As usual my mom has to be herself.
She made dinner for us at my sisters, because my sister has a dishwasher. Well, needless to say she left the mess for us to clean up. She took all the meat for fajitas, and left all the rest of the stuff. She wouldn't even join all of us in the living room. She sat in a chair behind the couch so that she could escape outside to go smoke as frequently as she wanted. Seriously, every time we turned around she was outside.

After she left my sister asked my brother and I if we ever remember our dad hitting mom.. Uhm, no. Apparently she was at her "boyfriends" house and was telling my brother in law that our dad used to beat her and of course we will all deny it.. Uh hello, he NEVER hit her. She is pathetic. She seriously has to come up with the stupidest shit for an excuse for why they got divorced.

So I believe next year we are just going to get together for Christmas and not invite her.

4 No way... | Tell me...

joslyn_julia

:: 2011 21 December :: 9.02pm

i don't really understand how people can be so malicious.

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rayray

:: 2011 18 December :: 4.48pm

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.
About how much I miss my Grandparents and wish they were here to see Reagan and my nephews grow up. It breaks my heart that they aren't physically here and have missed a lot that has happened in my life. I know they are proud of me, and are watching over me, but its not the same as sharing the moments with them, and hearing them tell me.
I have been thinking a lot about Mike's family. Mainly his brother. His brother has spent the last 3 years in prison. He missed their moms funeral, so he never got to say goodbye. He doesn't know that he has a niece that is a year old. He hasn't seen his son in years. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for him because he put himself in prison, but I do feel bad. He called Mike today to let him know how he was doing, and that he was out of prison. Before he got off the phone he told Mike to tell Darielle he said hi, and then told him he loved him. Mike said I love you back, and I was shocked. I commented about it, and he told me that he did love his brother and that he got the raw end of the deal growing up. That if he hadnt been raised by their mom then he would have turned out better. I said what about your sister? And he told me that he doesn't love his sister. She had a fair chance at life and she chose to screw it up. I guess it is what it is. His family is jacked up, and they barely know my daughter. But I do not want her to know the half of what they are about, so I guess I am going to protect her for as long as I can.
I have been thinking about my life, my relationship. I don't have a perfect relationship by any means. But I don't have a crumbling relationship either. We fight, say things we shouldn't, but we never stay mad. And I am grateful for that. I hate that I live in a trailer, and it depresses me. We struggle for money, and that really gets to both of us. But it makes more sense for me to stay home than it does for me to go back to work.

A lot of my friends have been struggling with deaths, health issues, break ups, and so on. I wish I could take all their pain away and make them feel better. Some of them I wish I could smack in the face and tell them that they need to pull their head out of their ass..

I don't hang out with a lot of people anymore. Social contact is hard for me. People piss me off and I don't want to deal with it.

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rayray

:: 2011 11 December :: 10.16pm

I need to vent, while my child is screaming it out by herself.
At my house, its not considered "cry it out".. It's screaming it out, or being murdered. She has a set of lungs, and doesn't let up. Like at all. Ever. She doesn't know how to self soothe. She screams bloody murder, and would go on for HOURS and probably days if I let her. She is stubborn. I'm scared she's going to choke on all the saliva/snot she makes from all the screaming, or when she gets to the point where she throws up. Luckily, she always seems to throw up on the floor and not in her bed or all over herself.

From January to November, once she was asleep at night, she wouldn't wake up til about 8ish.. Once in awhile it would be a little early, and then it started getting later.. And I had her going to sleep in her own bed, on her own. Since the time change/her first birthday, she was waking up between 6 and 7.. Once I got her to sleep til 8 or later, she has been waking up a million times during the night. When she is in her crib, awake, she screams bloody murder like she is being attacked. She could be dead asleep, and the second she touches the mattress in her bed, she is screaming so bad, her body stiffens right out.

I can't seem to win. And now Mike is on 3rd shift, so I have to get her to sleep before he goes to work, otherwise it'll be 10 times harder to get her to go to sleep..

So far, she has been screaming for 12 minutes, and Tyson keeps whining and barking like he needs to go protect her.

I feel like a bad mom for complaining about my child, but I miss sleep. Good sleep, where I don't wake up a million times, or in pain from having to make room for everyone else and sleeping all funky.

22 minutes later, she is still screaming, but not nearly like she was.. And a half an hour ago, she was passed out in my bed and had been sleeping since 9..

6 No way... | Tell me...

joslyn_julia

:: 2011 17 November :: 3.34pm

what do you do when neither leaving or staying are the answer? I feel pushed into a corner and my friends and family are having to tell me they can't keep hearing the same thing but I don't have the answer to change it.

I feel lost.

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allyson

:: 2011 14 November :: 10.03pm

I forgot to write yesterday. Jared was home and we stayed up and played gears 3, and then I was exhausted and fell asleep.

We didn't do much yesterday. I went to Meijer with Autumn. First time in a while that I've been to the store (2nd time to meijer since august). I need to go to fields fabrics to get some material for a tag blanket and a matching baby blanket for a gift. I don't remember what else we did.. Oh, we had culver's for lunch and Autumn went with Jared to go and get it. That's about it. Callie's been sleeping like crap lately. waking and crying often. It's tiring. I hope she gets over it soon. I think I'm going to have to start waking up at 8 am all the time. Because callie wakes up at 8 am on the dot every morning. No matter what. Oh well. I guess I'll have to make myself be a morning person.

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allyson

:: 2011 14 November :: 9.39pm

Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'd lose my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman, come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
Like crazy, girl

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl

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allyson

:: 2011 12 November :: 11.12pm

I decided yesterday that I was going to start writing in here everyday. Just to keep a journal and record of even the most boring things I do.
Today started out with callie waking up at around 730.norther jared out I was ready to get out of bed so we put her in bed with us and she confined to talk to her self quietly while I laid next her her with eyes closed for 15 more minutes. I finally got up and brought her downstairs. Gave her some milk and changed her while we waited for sister to wake up.autumn of course wanted mama cereal and the baby had an egg and some sweet potato puffs. Daddy wakes up at around 930. He goes to the store and takes callie with him. They pick up pictures at walmart and go to meijer. while they are gone autumn and I do some glitter crafts and play out side.it was so nice out today.sunny and warm...especially in the sun. We had lunch and then just putted around while jared put up the new and kitchen light. By that time it was almost dinner time. So I heated the oven and baked some chicken and potatoes and autumn and I made some chocolate chip cookies too. Speaking of...I'm hungry.... I'm going to go eat...

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allyson

:: 2011 10 November :: 11.55pm

My whole life there has only been one thing Ive known I have always wanted. To feel beautiful. And still to this day I have yet to feel that way.

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allyson

:: 2011 27 October :: 12.07am

Wow it's been long. I have a few posts about Callie Mae... but I just wrote them.. like with a paper and pencil! OMG! haha Anyways. She's a whole year old. I've missed... a lot lately. I've been so sick. No one understands how I feel. But I thought of it today. Imagine have the flu, yes the diarrhea upset stomach achey tired flu... for 9 weeks straight. That's how I felt and still feel. It's very hard for me to do anything without having to run to the bathroom. Recently I've had an upset stomach that comes and goes and has made me lose my appetite. So much that.. I'm down to 89 lbs. I'm 5'4 and 89 lbs.. I look.. horrible. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible parent. I can't do things with my kids. I missed autumn's first day of school, I haven't been able to go for walks all summer or go to the park, Autumn's halloween party is tomorrow, as well as dr appointment and "family" pictures that I won't be attending are friday, I did however make it through autumn's birthday and Callie's without too many episodes. I didn't feel good.. but I made it through. Callie has started walking from the couch to the table and to the wall willingly... but won't walk any further even though she can. (she walked 22+ steps the other night). She still have beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes... she loves her sister and her daddy.. and even me too!
Ugh, I can't believe I missed so much. I just have to take each day.. one step at a time. I can't believe I've been sick so long.. with no answers. Hopefully soon.
Prayers are needed.

1 No way... | Tell me...

joslyn_julia

:: 2011 25 September :: 6.34pm

sometimes people really irritate me. scratch that. my friends really irritate me. you try to do something to make sure they get what the want and they just get all pissy about it. so stupid.

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joslyn_julia

:: 2011 4 August :: 11.34am
:: Music: Foster the People- Pumped up Kicks

Granted I am not a parent but i am pretty well fed up with watching others have constant issues with their kids and when it's just me and the kids there aren't problems.

Currently, mike has his work partner and her husband and 2 toddlers in our 1 bedroom. For starts... not fucking cool. For seconds... get the fuck out of my apartment with your screaming brats for the day. Pretty sure I said clear as day to get the hell out of here today because i can't fucking deal with it.... so why the fuck are you making them nap an hour and a half or 2 hours after they woke up?

I'm fed up with others. I need solace and confinement with the only noise being the noise I put on via music -- IF I want it. I have freelance work to do and I keep finding myself pulled into watching/ helping with the kids.
Please just go away.

----- edit-----
Apparently I scared the crap out of the dad because now (at 1:11 pm) they are going to the beach- finally. And he keeps trying to make the kids be quiet because I am blaring music and have not had anything to do with them all day.

who says flipping out doesn't work. At least I've finally been able to do some work.

--double edit---
what kind of 26/ 27 yr old goes and tattles to his younger wife that i told him to get out of the apartment for the day? "talks" tonight supposedly... but i think there are some freeloaders who need to buck up and live in the real world.

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joslyn_julia

:: 2011 2 August :: 10.42am

why do i find myself never able to trust?

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joslyn_julia

:: 2011 1 August :: 2.04pm

Sometimes it feels as though my emotions are cyclic. The same pings and pangs to my emotions with a different day, different person.... but really it's all the same.

I'm bored with life, and now when i am wanting to do something for myself I am stuck. It did a lot of good to make car payments for the last 5 years just to have the car want to blow up now. with 5 payments left. In fact if it weren't for the money we have sank into it I would just tell the bank to take the damn car, but alas november it will be paid off and perhaps then we can fix it. but it doesn't do me a shred of good now.

As far as design goes, i am doing some freelance, and having some possible good things appear to be happening. I'm excited and scared all at once. All I can hope is that things will work out.

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allyson

:: 2011 21 June :: 4.39am

Seriously... if god is punishing me for having a cute baby....I would rather have an ugly one. I NEED SLEEP¡!!!!!!!!!!!!

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rayray

:: 2011 14 June :: 4.14pm

I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my child is 7 months old already.
It doesn't seem like she should be this old, and I know that the older she gets the harder it is going to be to deal with.
I am extremely happy that I have the chance to be a stay at home mom. She makes my life so much better. And no, I'm not just saying that because its expected. She really does make my life so much better. I love being a mom. When I feel sad or I am pissed off about something, just hearing her laugh, is the best thing in the world. I absolutely adore her smile.
She is so happy and innocent. I pray that she stays that way.

1 No way... | Tell me...

joslyn_julia

:: 2011 9 June :: 7.44pm
:: Music: Eisley- Smarter

dreaming with a broken heart
sometimes i wonder if i am always going to feel empty inside. I wonder if too much honesty is a bad thing. I wonder if i will ever find my inner peace. its all wondering, constant searching and contemplating and i feel as though I am just parading around like one of those poor horses at the fair- wandering in this dismal circle of sadness for the rest of my life.
Is it because I have too much empathy, compassion, hope for mankind, hope for myself?
Sometimes I can feel things that aren't there and I wonder if it is some invisible being trying to comfort me... a stroke of a finger down my cheek-- an embrace that couldn't be possible-- nothing makes sense.

how do you fight to hold on to something that was only an illusion to start? how do you believe in yourself when all the confidence you ever had walked out so long ago that you can't be sure you ever had it?
I just wish I could find happy... but it's always been such a fleeting idea. I've spent so long having to hide myself to make everyone else happy that somedays I wake up and I don't even know who the person is that is looking back at me.

Then again...
maybe I just have to face the facts, I never did heal oh so long ago and perhaps ever since childhood I have just been destined to be damaged goods. world you truly are a cruel, hateful place. we were never meant to be with each other-- you with your malice and me with my heart on my sleeve. and though i try so very hard my poor heart just wants love that for all i know will never be there, after all it rarely had been up until now.
oh bollox. i might as well just give up.

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allyson

:: 2011 7 June :: 1.11am

8 months old. Still no teeth, still having pooping issues (constipation) poor thing. You still ready every four hours 24 hours a day. Which means you wake up 3 times in the middle of the night still so you sleep in bed with me. It doesn't bother me though because I know that someday you won't want to be near me and then ill be sad. This way I won't regret the time I didn't spend with you....which I pretty much spend all day everyday with you. I don't mind.in fact I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not sure on your measurements right now.I'll measure you tomorrow...

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allyson

:: 2011 7 June :: 1.11am

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joslyn_julia

:: 2011 27 May :: 10.08am

apparently i'm a horrible person. and today I'm okay with that.

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joslyn_julia

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.55am

It's been awhile and it seems I have missed much commotion on the woohu. One semester left, but a whole load of bills that is making it impossible to register/ put down a deposit/ ect.
I pretty much am just here in Kenowhere.

I wish that things would perk up in MI so I could go home and work at the jewelry store...

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allyson

:: 2011 11 May :: 12.10am

A day late..
Callie,
I'm sorry I'm late. Time goes by so quickly now that you're here. I hate it. I want you to stay my baby forever. You're already 7 months old. 7 months ago I delivered you in our bathroom. Wow. Over half way to your first birthday. Insane! Any ways... At your last dr.appointment (may 2nd) you were STILL only 67 cm long (roughly 26 inches) and get this, 19.5 lbs! You are off the charts for weight and normal for height. You sit soooo well now. You learn forward so far that you end up on one knee...but still you manage to sit back down with out falling (most times!). Recently,i moved you to your crib. Is maybe been a week. The pay two nights though you've ended up back in bed with me. You s sleep so much better that way...but daddy has gotten so used to you not being in bed that every morning his pillow magically ends up in the middle of the bed where you "used" to lay. You have hard a hard time pooping this past week...in fact you haven't pooped really at all since monday when you had your first BLOW OUT in cloth at the appointment. Other than that one time..you have not pooped out of your cloth diapers. So the cloth diapers are working well for us. I believe your sudden issue with pooping is caused by your eating habits changing. All of a sudden it seems you started eating purees. And then in a short time we moved you to eating twice a day. A fruit and oatmeal mix in the am amd then a fruit and veggie mix in the evening. You were eating really well for like a week straight.now not so much..i think you feel like your belly is full (full of poo!) So its uncomfortable for you to eat. Lets see....you love to stand now. If you're ever upset.. Standing you up..will stop your tears with out fail. We go out side every day. You LOVE grass. Your sister hated it. Oh, and speaking of your sister..you absolutely adore her. You talk and talk and talk to each other all the time. And laugh together. She is the best big sister and you are the best little sister. You have a great relationship with each other..i hope it status this good throughout your childhood and into your adult lives. Oh..your newest"trick"is talking on my phone. I use speaker phone so whenever I'm on it, you hold my phone and start jabbering away. Its the cutest thing. You are the cutest thing. I love you baby. And I'm so grateful you are a part of my life.

1 No way... | Tell me...

allyson

:: 2011 20 April :: 9.20pm

6 months
Callie,
Happy late 6 months baby!
We had two appointments last week, started cloth diapering AND I took your six month pictures. At your check up you weighed 18 lbs 12 oz and were 26 and 3/4 inches. Short and FAT! You can now sit by yourself for a very long time..hours even. Can stand for a few minutes (holding our hands of course) and...here's the big one, YOU CAN CLAP! Right now you are sick...got a pretty bad cold. So does your big sister and me too. You love to eat your feet, and you need a
blanky to fall asleep. You are wearing 12-18 month clothes....autumn jumping up and down can make you laugh no mater how upset you are. You are eating every three hours during the day. Your last feeding is at midnight. Then you wake up twice in the nightstill.. Once at around four or five and then again at 8 or 9. Then you eat at noon,3,6,9 and then midnight. Oh and you still won't eat baby food. Once in a while you will eat a few bies of rice cereal...but that's it.

1 No way... | Tell me...