collageof-frozenfear
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2004 15 March :: 2.45pm
:: Mood: Calm
:: Music: Yellowcard
Eating applejacks....
Jerry fucked my internet access up so that's why i haven't posted. Isn't he sweet????
I got another tat on my right ankle. Its of a rose I drew. With a bit of help =)
A friend of mine is in trouble... Hm. Having feelings about all that. But she's NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT. (Read big letters)
I still love her dearly =P
That's it for now. Just wanted to update.
Much love everybody
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Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 4 March :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: Calm
Just got back from seeing mom. It's weird seeing her in there instead of me. Kinda different....
I had my EEG ran on me today. The guy was only like 23 and he didn't even dress like a doctor. He was in regular clothes. We talked a whole lot. I was there for about 3 hours. Half of that time I spent sleeping so he could watch my brain waves. Mmhm....
Brandon still hasn't heard from his mom. He missed her call. Mom might let me stay with him tomorrow night. I hope =P
Ya know, when I go back and look at all the things I write about in here, It just makes me feel like a fucking idiot. It's like, It's not me typing any of it. It seems like its somebody else.
o.0
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Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 4 March :: 1.32am
I can't even remember if I posted that they took mom and put her in the hospital but they did. I can't remember shit lately so if I've already talked about it, fuck it.
Last night, Brandon's mom got thrown in jail. Not gonna go into it....
She'll be gone for a few years I'm sure though. All over her fucking boyfriend. Brandon's dad left him when he was a baby so yeah... He doesn't have anybody.
Kinda sad that both of our Moms... the only people we have....got locked up in different places on the same fucking day. His in jail and mine in a mental facility.
Hurts a lot to really look at her in the eyes.... She looks so little.
Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 2 March :: 5.07pm
My beautiful Kurt...
hehe, isn't he great?? =)
Who's your inner rockstar?
Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 2 March :: 3.01pm
:: Mood: Shitty
:: Music: Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard
Mom's Gone
Mom left to go to the Pavilion not too long ago. Yellowcard came on as she was leaving. Kinda depressed me. I dunno why but I find the song Ocean Avenue depressing. It's the chorus that really gets to me. But yeah...
I've been working on my guitar and stuff. Wrote a couple more songs. Mmhm.
*Sigh*
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Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 1 March :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: calm
Mom got drunk again tonight. She was doing SO good. She stabbed herself in the leg and in the hand again. Her firefighting chief called and I said she wasn't there but she just HAD to talk to him. I kept telling her to keep her mouth shut and NOW, shes not apart of the fire department anymore. He said she can come back when her doctor writes a letter saying she's in control of herself and that she can do it. He also gave me his number and told me that If I needed him to come out here, He'd get Station 4 out here to take care of her. They're emitting her into the Pavilion tomorrow because they're changing her meds. So I guess the side effects can be dangerous.
Last night, me and mom went to wal mart and she bought me a black light and a psycho strobe light. She also wanted to re decorate the house and everything so she bought all kinds of paint and curtains but then she said she was gonna put it all in her storage because she didn't believe her and Jeff were ever gonna make it.
I watched Forever Eden tonight. Kinda weird...
I'm not in school anymore. They basically kicked me out. They said that there was no point in me coming to school because they won't count any of my work that I do but if I don't come, they'll sue us. Fucking retards. They said they were gonna fail me because I've missed more than 10% of my classes but I have notes for every day I was gone. So yeah, mom had to pull me out. I can either get my GED when I turn 16 or I can go back to school when I'm feeling better and take a placement test to determine what grade I'll go into.
Brandon's been burning.... He's got this thing for erasers. He does a damn good job with it all though. I never wouldve thought he, of all people, would be a burner. You can definatly tell he's not bullshittin about it though. For every bad fight we've had lately, he burns a mark into his left arm. He's managed to make a big K across his forearm. His mom saw it ... He walked away from her and never said anything about it but his mom's a bitch and I know she'll blame me for it all.
But yeah... *hugs* to everybody. Hope everyone is doing okay.
Much Love
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Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 26 February :: 2.01pm
:: Mood: Tired
QUICK update on things...
1.) Having dreams about Jerry raping me
2.) Mom stabbed herself in the leg 2ice last night and drank with "lethal" medication.
3.) The school threatened to sue me and have my license post poned because of my absenses and so mom took me out of school. I'll try to get my GED later on.
4.) Me and Brandon got into a huge fight yesterday in the cafeteria. He yelled at me in front of all his friends because I had cigarettes in my purse. I forgot to take them out.... And then he called me stupid AGAIN. Now, keep in mind, you guys don't know the whole entire story so he's not a COMPLETE asshole and I still love him =P
5.) Jeff is acting just like Jerry
6.) I was told I looked a lot thinner :P hehe, yay
I think thats about all...
One day, when I'm not so lazy I'll write more =P
Hehe... Much love
Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 23 February :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: Tired
Things have been pretty good here. Thank god ...
I did cut again though... Me and Brandon got into a fight and I cut. Not too bad but I still did it. Well, i was asleep on his bed and his brother was playing video games and he read what I had put on my ankle and Brandon saw it....
Well, TODAY, I noticed he had burned himself with one of those damn pencil erasers. He had done it sometimes but they were really hard to find on him without LOOKING for them. Well, he did his the same night I did mine. I just feel horrible because I feel like I helped influence him to do it. That sounds stupid but ... yeah.
I just hate it that he found mine ... It's like, you do it and you don't ever want anybody to see in fear they'll take it away from you and also because thats YOURS ... Nobody else's. It's like your own little secret that nobody's supposed to know about. And now mine's been found...
But yeah, anyway
Mom hasn't drank in almost 2 weeks. She has more personalities. One that smokes... Haha... My mom HATES cigarettes so its weird when she comes in and asks for one. I really am proud of her though. Hehe....
*hugs* to everybody
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Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 20 February :: 2.01am
:: Mood: Depressed
:: Music: The difference--Matchbox 20
Mmkay, I'm gonna try to make all this as short as possible. I don't much feel like writing right now.
I haven't been on much because I felt really bad for being on so much and not being with brandon. I wanted to just keep a journal OFF the net but I don't think I'd keep up with it so for now, I'll force myself to write in this one.
The school started shit the other day. I'm not going into it but now I'm dropping out and getting my GED. Thank god, I won't have to put up with all their shit.
Jerry's joining the army right? Well, we were in the car today (Me, him, and his g/f Liz) and we were driving home listening to Matchbox 20. Their song called The Difference came on and its like, I hate him SO fucking bad but he knows Liz is leaving him when he goes to the army. While it was playing, I kept watching him and he kept looking down and looking out the window every now and then. I'll post the lyrics below. It's such a fucking sad song when it comes to that shit. And like I said, I hate him SO bad but all I could do was just cry. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face.
Brandon did his hair like a little jamaican kid. He's so fucking cute =)
THE DIFFERENCE
Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the citys still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain
In the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost
[Chorus]
And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be
Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking on
[Chorus]
Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want
Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down
Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday
[Chorus]
For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want
Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
What you wanna be
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Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 16 February :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: Somewhat Happy
:: Music: Jack Off Jill
Mom's bringing me home those lemon ice CHILL thingies you eat with spoons (if you're normal) and some apples... yummy. Hehe...
Until then .... Strawberry Gashes ;)
Strawberry Gashes
Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me
Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over
Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here
Hex me told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over - all over
I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"
Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me
Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over all over me
Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 16 February :: 6.19pm
Dr. Dickhead
Mom called the director of the ER this morning to report that doctor well, guess what???
All my files have been deleted from the computer. Hmmm... wonder how THAT could've happened? fucking asshole...
Mom was in a really good mood today. She even brought me home a pack of cigarettes (with her alcohol) which isn't to usual. haha. I was like "thank you mommm" But then Jerry brought my dad on the porch and was yelling and screaming and being pathetic and then decided to say "Yeah and mom always goes into Kristen's room to have her so called 'schizophrenic breakdowns'" so now Dad knows everything because of Jerry's dumbass.
Eh ...
Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 15 February :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Hurt--Nine Inch Nails
Tummy hurts, fever ...
Same old usual SHIT. I looked back at the entry I wrote about the hospital visit and I just feel so stupid for writing it. I'm not sure why but its like, there was so much more that happened and so much more that I want to say and I just dont know how to put it all into words.
I think I'm just gonna go to bed...
Don't Forget Me
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collageof-frozenfear
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2004 15 February :: 2.56am
:: Mood: Sad
:: Music: Behind Blue Eyes
The day it all went away...
To Jerry ...
Another sad attempt
To win the battle I always fight against you
Just like yesterday, You win again.
I gaze into the eyes of the sad and lonely people you hurt daily
....too many broken smiles.
I manage to run my eyes across your beautiful veins every day...
If only you knew the things I dream of.
Trying to get away from the monster I see in you,
I follow the wallpaper border around the room.
Somehow though, I always end right back at you.
I reach out and tear out your pretty blue eyes
Just so I can get you to watch the tears stain mine red.
Let me run away from you ...
I carve my name up and down your body
Just to make sure you'll never forget me again.
And then I whisper softly ...
"You were always special to me.
But it really did hurt ..."
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Don't Forget Me
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