A Piece Of My Hand Written Journal
I got back from a walk about twenty minutes ago. They say walking clears the mind, but it made my head spin more than ever. I was doing a little cleaning before that. I ripped up all of my tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grade erotica stories and used them as confetti. It was very fun and it made me feel better about hating my past life. I found my journalism folder, and I was going to look through it one last time before throwing it away, but then I got all sentimental and shit. So on my walk I was thinking that when I got home, I would just throw it away without opening it. But then I thought of how much more fun it would be to douse the thing is gasoline and light it on fire. Oh, the symbolism.

Fuck This
I am thinking I would rather kill myself than be here right now. Steve is going on a tour of Project Coffee in Oxford right now, so I'm stuck in the computer lab with his fucking sister who's been an annoying bitch all the way down here. Not that she can necessarily help it; that's how she is normally. If she's bitching at her parents over something stupid, she expects us to be all loving and comforting. But the fact is, no, she doesn't deserve it. Her mom took away her TV because she wasn't listening and she kept swearing at her, and of course, she thinks, as all young people do, that it's all her mom's fault and her parents are horrible for actually disciplining her instead of letting her get away with whatever she wants. I hate her muchly. She can be nice sometimes, but mostly she's just annoying. I can't wait till Steve and I get our own apartment so we can both be away from her. God damn it. Not to mention I'm pissed about a bunch of other stuff, too, but whatever.

My God
By " awake ", I mean awakened to my true destiny. Or some such shit. It has been SO long since I posted on here. The reason I've come back is because certain feelings never really disappear. I was thinking about that earlier while I was walking. I haven't been for a walk in a long time, either. What the hell was I thinking!?! It was tough(ish), but worth it. I had a revelation. Well, thinking about everything was making me crazy once again, and then this song came on (Kiss Me Deadly). It was like a sign. A good sign. It was amazing. I am still working at the day care. But I might be getting a new job, and I really hope I do. I start a summer course for college this month. That will be crazy. I hope my boyfriend doesn't mind if I sleep with one of my college professors while I'm there. I think that's something everyone should experience. Not really. I haven't changed one fucking bit. It's awesome! Woot! I'm done for now!

God damn it
I am SO stressed. I can hardly feel it, but oh, how I know it's there. Wouldn't you know it? I find someone I love who loves me back and he won't deal with it. I'm SO sick of waiting for people. That's my life. I went to the Park earlier. As much as I do like it, at the same time, I kind of want to blow the place up. Too many memories. I used to go there as a lil' kid, I remember shit from sixth grade, and a lot of SHIT from years after that. I capatalize " shit " because a lot of it sucked. But I realize, lately, when I'm listening to certain music, that I would give anything to feel the way I used to. About certain people, I guess, although I don't know why because that sucked, too. I guess it just sucked less because I could fantasize without REALLY believing that something might happen. Actually, I did believe it, but I was a moron. I still am, but in a different way. Anyhow, I've been thinking about high school a lot lately and I do miss it. I was lying in bed at like, six last night, and I felt like I was back in tenth grade. I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I think I had a dream about CW, that penguin bastard. I will go back some day and say hello. Probably some day soon. I feel like I'm living in a different world now, and even though I miss high school, I don't think I'd want to go back. I don't know what I think. I'm so emotionally fucked up lately because of drugs and a certain asshole that I love with all my fucking heart. FUCK!!! There doesn't seem to be a point to ANYTHING anymore! I fantasize about suicide often, but I can't do that. And it kills me that I can't do it. I have to leave for work in ten minutes, and that sucks, too. I need like, a day to not do anything. This weekend I'm not making any plans. Of course, when Friday, Saturday, and Sunday roll around, people might call, and I'll hang out with them. If I could just do nothing with someone else, that would be good. I hate being alone. Kind of. I'm alone now, and it sucks. Oh, and I watched " Welcome To The Dollhouse " earlier. If my life was a movie, that would be it. But only in terms of Heather Matarazzo and Brendan Sexton, Jr. Fuckers. Oh, and I recently saw " Fatal Attraction. " You know it's bad when you can relate to the character Glenn Close plays in that movie. I was never that bad, though. But I could see myself being that bad. Another reason to kill myself. Or just continue therapy, but whatever. And I hate the holidays. I am stressed out from Halloween, and I could go without Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as well. New Year's can stay because it's a great night to get drunk. And New Year's is funny because everyone makes a bunch of commitments that they fuck up within the next 48 hours. Fun! I'm out for now. I might be back later, but who gives a shit?

Broken heartedness and suicide
I am broken hearted once again and seriously contemplating suicide. I still don't know if I have the balls to do it, but I've never been this close to trying it before. I thought I was back with the literal love of my life, but he fucked me over again. I'd still take him back, and I love him more than I've ever loved another friend, teacher, boyfriend, etc. For the past six fucking years. I cut the shit out of myself last night, and I really wouldn't mind doing it again. I did get together with Thiago earlier which made me a lot happier for the time I was with him. But things are just so fucked up. I can't fucking take it anymore. I fucking need him. I'll probably write to him or something, which I always fucking do, but what the fuck ever. ::kills self:: I wish. I hate him because I love him, and I hate myself for letting myself get hurt ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!

Dear sweet Christ.
I've been devastated by crepes. They've ruined my life. But that's not important right now. I've been reading my hand written journals from tenth grade, and can I just say, God damn. I think I just found the sex story that my teachers read on here. Jesus. It's really not bad. The ending sucks, though. My endings always suck. But the point here, kids, is holy shit, that's funny! I was watching TV the other day and I heard this techno song and it reminded me of this really hot substitute that worked at the High School a few times who was REALLY awesome and who I got along really well with. I'll probably never see him again, and that is sad. But shit happens. I've live with it, and wonder what became of him for literally the rest of my life. I really miss CW. I have all summer, but now, reading in my journals about how I loved him and wanted to rape him and all this shit, well, I still feel that way. I haven't changed as much as I would like to think, but that's okay. I dated a lot of people in tenth grade. Well, three, but that's a lot for one school year. I miss some of the stuff that happened, but, as I told my father, I would rather kill myself than go back there because I do NOT want to relive everything that happened. No thanks. I'd end up killing myself, anyway. I miss Peter. I can't tell, though, if the pain has lessened or if I've just numbed myself to it. I've been really wanting a kid again. I keep having dreams about the kids at work. And speaking of dreams, last night I dreamt that I was dating this fat Spanish or black guy who thought my name was Emily because that's what I told him it was. I was also hanging out with Lisa, Bobby, and some other random people. Lisa and I were in this restaurant place waiting for a bus or something to come and take us on a tour to the High School. I think it might have also been a trip to go back in time and see what we were like. I ordered a certain meal, and they gave me a couple plates of food. While I was eating one of them, they would keep replacing the other one with something else. I was pissed. I was walking around looking at the rest of the place and this woman from work kept screaming at me so I kept screaming at her and we REALLY wanted to kill each other. She was apparently Bobby's mother. He kept helping me to try and get away from her. There was this one candy store or something where if you went inside, when you walked out, it transported you to a different part of the building which was in a different world. That happened to Bobby and I, and I was flipping out because we couldn't find the candy store to get back. He was trying to comfort me, and suggested we just look around to see if we could at least find something to do, and that we could look for the store later. I agreed and we got in line for some rollercoaster/ flume ride/ God knows what. Oh; but as we were walking up to buy tickets, I told him something like, " At least we're away from Lisa, now. Maybe she won't be able to find us when she comes looking for you. " He said, " Too late. " And gestured to the ticket counter. Lisa was there, and we all started talking about God knows what. So that was a very strange dream. I've been having a lot of dreams lately when someone's younger brother has to comfort me. Odd. Anyhow, I really should go to bed. I won't, but I'm leaving anyway. Fairwell. Who knows when I'll write again?

A very nice summer
This summer has been really great, surprisingly. Even though it took until August, I found my " summer love ", and hopefully we'll last through the other seasons as well, and I kissed him for the first time last night. I'm so happy I could really scream right now. Then I had this really weird dream where I was going to have sex with this guy who was a combination of my love and one of the parents at work, and the parent is REALLY cute, but it makes me want to vomit just the same. But that's okay. It feels really weird not going back to high school, but if I'd stayed there another year, I really might have killed myself. Now I'm free to do what I choose to do. I'm an adult (at least legally), and I'm free of school. I'll go back to visit, of course. Those poor teachers will NEVER be free of me! Mwa-ha-ha! Anyway, yeah. This summer was really good. I enjoyed it muchly.

Love...or the lack thereof
Fuck. I am so fucking depressed right now. One of my friends is cutting herself again, and I am getting kind of close. I'm not going to, because self-destruction is a very dark road that I don't think I'd like to travel again. But I am SO lonely. I'm wanting a kid again, but I can wait on that one. But I NEED some closeness. Even if it was just for a month. Of course, I'd like something longer, but I'd settle for a month. I'd settle for a night, shit. Of hot sex, and falling asleep cuddling. Or something. I keep having these dreams about being in love with and snuggling with a man who is a mixture of that Sully guy, Dante Hicks (from the " Clerks " movies), and a couple other people who I'm not naming on the public blog. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. And he wasn't fucking real. Shit. I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like I have to be strong. I'm not sure why. I guess I just feel like I'm supposed to believe that it'll happen " some day. " Whatever. I'm starting to feel like I might as well just give up and live life like another mindless drone going about my business as if I have no emotions. It's so hard.

JOHN SULLIVAN (SULLY)
There was this guy I started talking to on line a few years ago. His name was John Sullivan, and he called himself Sully. I think he was in his twenties. Even though we never met, he was a great friend to me, and as I was going through my CDs earlier, I found some songs he sent me like " That Song " by Big Wreck and " Dakota " by Stereophonics. He used to always send me songs. Anyway, I was thinking about him even before I heard the songs again, and I miss him SO much. It really hurts me. We really got along. I would always give him advice when he felt shitty. So JOHN SULLIVAN IF YOU'RE OUT THERE CONTACT ME, PLEASE!!!!!!! IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!!! Love Always, your friend, Laura.

Fuck helping
What the fuck is the point of feeling someone else's pain and understanding their problems and giving them advice when the next time you offer to help them they say, " Well, no offense, but I usually talk to my other friend about that because she knows me better and says more of the right things. " FUCK YOU!!!

Some shit
My emotions are drained. It may not have been very obvious, but yesterday I went through something that I had already gone through once before. The pain is still here, it's just a lot different than before. I'm dealing with it through very odd channels, and I'm not even sure what they are. One is exercise. One is writing. One is art. One is music. One is change. But there are even more than that. It's like, something emotional inside me. Almost like a filter. Anyhow, I was thinking today that things like MySpace and AIM and AOL, and even blog sites like this one are amazing, yes, but at the same time very bad things. What they do is keep people from really talked to each other directly. It really scares me. In a way it helps, because if we're rejected or dumped or anything like that over the internet, the pain is generally less real. But that's what's bad. People are supposed to talk to each other face to face and deal with things directly. The phone helps, because it tells us when people are home and busy and all of that, but anything emotional, or any conversations that are actually meaningful should really happen in person. People should experience things, and not let technology do it for them.