I am a horrible fucking person. I'm going to go play in traffic and hopefully end up rotting in hell where I am starting to feel I belong. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll just go with the old tried and true method of cutting the shit out of myself. I am disgusted with myself and full of self-loathing. I am an absolute piece of shit. Why the fuck did I come out to Washington DC? I have done nothing but fuck up since I've been here. That's not actually true, but shit is getting fucked up. I just want to resign and go home, but then I will really be a failure. And staying here and dealing with the God-awful distressing consequences of my disgusting, selfish, and completely fucking stupid actions is my penance, I suppose. If I hadn't done anything that bad, I wouldn't be feeling like I should kill myself because of it. Fuck...my...life....for it is all my fault.

You know? My feelings of anger and frustration are never justified. I'm just not being understanding. I am, God damn it, I am always fucking understanding, seeing where other people are coming from, seeing things from their points of view. But what about MY point of view? No one needs to understand that? I could never be the sole breadwinner of a household, I'd kill my husband. So everyone needs to understand, that I need to fucking vent sometimes. I need to get my frustration out, even if it means saying things I don't really mean but am pissed off about. Especially when the only reason I am pissed about them is because I love someone so much and am having a hard time dealing with not seeing them, not even fucking talking to them. E-mailing sometimes, but it's no where near the same. And also people need to understand that of course I'm going to be feeling my emotions more fiercely for a while, because I am no longer smoking cigarettes, which shielded a lot of things for me or at least gave me a type of outlet so I didn't necessarily have to deal with my emotions. I guess there are just certain people I can vent to and others I shouldn't. ~sigh~ Hopefully this aggravation is over soon.

DC
I could have been home right now. And every day till the 14th of July. Doing what, I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have involved crying in bed all day.

Washington D.C.
Just to give you an idea of how big and beautiful this campus is: I went outside for a cigarette Thursday night and the techno music Dakota put on my MP3 player spurred me to go for a walk around campus. I wandered down towards the front gate, intending to take a right and walk up the hill towards the TCU building. After I passed the Rec, however, I stopped and spent about fifteen minutes observing a deer, a young buck, grazing in the big field in the center of campus. A couple of times he looked at me dead-on and I just stared back, hoping he'd realize I planned on leaving him alone and continue eating, which he did. After a few more minutes of grass munching and cleaning himself, he bent his legs and just plopped down in the middle of the field to relax. Thursday was interesting for other reasons as well. I had my first TCU classes, which I really enjoyed. After my tearful breakdown on Wednesday, during which I vaguely considered whether or not I really wanted to do this, it felt wonderful to be occupied with work to do. I hadn't had anything productive to do at Westover for a while. Keyboarding was frustrating, it brought me to tears a couple of times, but I was still emotional from such a big change and from being sick. I went to the new student luncheon which was very nice. They fed us real steak. I spoke with a sexy, black staff member. I can't remember his name or job title (which is for the best because due to the trouble I got into with this on line journal before, I will be changing everyone's names in here, anyway). After that, me, my roommate (who is also a TCU transfer student), and the CPP all trooped down to the front gate to get our IDs. I couldn't stop looking at the startling difference bwetween when I first arrived at Westover and how I look now. While waiting for everyone else to finish, an 18 year old CPP boy who goes by " D " was messing with Jim, a 24 year old CPP man. I already had a lot of respect for Jim because he's mature and serious about getting this done. I wasn't going to say anything to D, but he involved me somehow, by asking for my opinion on the situation or something like that. I said I'd sooner listen to Jim than to him and when he asked why, I explained, " Because he exhibits maturity and you, quite frankly, do not. " D wasn't pleased and said that I thought I was so mature just because I'm in an advanced trade, but that I am no, in fact, mature. He didn't know me at all, I barely speak around people here, and being in an advanced trade doesn't make me mature in itself, but I certainly had to be mature to get there, now didn't I? I didn't say all of that, I just told him he was right, with barely any sarcasm in my voice, just to end the conversation. I heard him talking to Jim after that and refer to me as Jim's girlfriend. That's not childish at all. Calling someone a person's significant other because they stood up for that person and expressed their opinion unabashedly. I was going to skip dinner and try to locate a convenience store, but I got hungry upon seeing the cafeteria. I got my dinner and thankfully found a table to myself. After a little while, though, Tony (the first person I met here, who showed me around a little bit and is actually taking OA himself right now) motioned for me to come and sit at his table where he was sitting with his friend Ron. Ron warned me to stay away from a couple of people, Tony piping up telling me not to listen to him and that I could hang out with whomever I want to. I did listen, though. Whenever someone says that, you have to at least hear them out, especially in a place like this. One person he warned me about is Kasey. I could tell by the way he immediately referred to her as a " crazy bitch " that she was his ex. Tony said she is known as The CPP Slut. In my eyes, she is this center's version of a certain Westover female trainee we've all noticed gets around pretty quickly, only Kasey isn't as nice and seems crazier. I found out today, actually, that she, too, was going around telling people she was pregnant. Oh, the irony of thinking you're going somewhere different and the people are almost exact copies of each other! I was also warned about Bible (clearly not his real name, but I witnessed a very emotional religious debate at dinner tonight between him and one of my aquaintances and he is indeed a bible thumper, hick accent included). Bible had given me the creeps even before I found out his story. I saw him at the Rec while Ron, Tony, and I were on the hunt for cigarettes (which are called " jack " here instead of " bogies "). He recognized me from the brief but still too long for me exchange of words we had in the TCU building. Yes, he is in some of my classes. May God have mercy on my soul. So Bible saw me and said, " Hey, I didn't really get a chance to talk to you earlier. " I thought to myself, Which is perfectly fine by me. He introduced himself and started pulling out his ID. I didn't understand why until he told me that most people don't believe his name is his REAL name and they think it's a nickname. I was too nice to point out that I didn't really care either way, and certainly not enough to demand to see his identification. While he went to " take care of one quick thing, " I seized my exit and went out to smoke with Ron and Tony.

More tomorrow, I must take my leave for the night...

I feel so old and so young at the same time. Sometimes I think I am having a type of mid-life crisis. I want to be mature and responsible but in this environment I can't help but use the adrenaline rush of being a teen-angsty rebel like a shot of bliss circulating through my blood stream. I can't take myself seriously, I feel like I'm falling. What am I really doing with my life? Will it be worth it? When I get to the end, will I look back and feel satisfied? Proud? Successful? Like I actually achieved at least some of my dreams? A big part of this has to do with me not really knowing what I want. It was easier before. I wanted to be fucked up all the time and fantasize about ending my life. I knew I'd never actually kill myself, intentionally, but those were simple, clear wants. Now I am almost twenty five and I still haven't done anything meaningful. It's very disappointing. After this, I really need to spend some time alone and sink back into my own skin, and not this skittish, insecure bitch who uses sarcasm and curse words as shields against meaningful emotional interaction, with some individuals, not all. I don't feel comfortable as myself, I feel like I don't know who I am, but I don't always like the persona I am projecting. I feel like it's not real because I am some kind of paranoid about people and trust, what to believe, whom it is safe to get close to. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse, but I suppose I am the cat as often as the mouse. Relationships are twisted sometimes, far-reaching chains of people, each engaged in their own game, the taunting and the teased, churning, desiring, and blazing with injustice and passion. I think we all try and be the best we can be, while at the same time keeping parts of ourselves hidden away. Maybe that's just me. This isn't like high school, where the bonds of trust were warm and something to wrap yourself in. Here, I feel like craziness is swarming around me and sometimes I just need to walk away, breathe, and laugh at the ridiculousness of the world here at Job Corps. I pass between feeling like I am among people of my own kind and feeling completely alien to everyone around me. I can't unlock myself. Perhaps I just need to find a better way to do it, but when I try, things get strange. My heart, too, is filled with a yearning, that may yet go unfulfilled, and I will leave here disappointed, not feeling like any of it was worthwhile. Fuck people.

Really fucking sad.

Sex
I have come to the conclusion that I am a terrible, terrible person. But what can I do about it? Indulge!

Hehehe!
Well, I definitely got confirmation that he likes me! I was worried earlier, but I could tell in his eyes when he came and met up with me, Sara, and Phil in the Wi-fi cafe. And I walked my friend to her room and on the way back I thought to myself, " I hope he doesn't read my e-mail " because I was writing about something interesting that I may expound on involving a certain other person I had/have a crush on. But I thought, Nah, he wouldn't do that. Well, when I came back, Sara told me that D had done some snooping and was getting jealous of whatever he found on my computer that pertained to other guys. He didn't read the e-mail, anyway. He started to, but Sara and Phil stopped him. Good lol. So anyway, the guy I was getting obsessive about ( until I got more sleep, anyway ) and I were talking outside today. And yes, I happened to be wearing a shirt that comes down a bit low in the front. So we're talking, and he reaches over, opens my shirt with his finger, and looks in there. And let me tell you, he was happy with what he saw. We are flirty friends and I like that. I knew he liked me, despite what he says. Boys...can't live with them, can't live without their cocks. HAHAHA!

Stalker
There is also a guy here who is getting to be on the stalkerish side. I've known he's liked me since I came in, but now it's starting to get really fucking annoying. I didn't mind giving him hugs and stuff at first, but then it go to the point where, even though I had just given him a hug five fucking minutes before I was walking away, if I went to walk away, he'd be like, " What? I don't even get a hug now? " He says that shit ALL the time!! One night at dinner, I walked past his table and I hadn't even put my fucking plate down and he said it. I told him, " I'm try to eat dinner, you can wait. Damn! " And when I said I was trying to eat, he said, " So I am. " WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE HASSLING YOU, FUCK FACE!!! This morning at breakfast, I had pulled the chair next to me a bit closer so, you know, my boyfriend could sit there, and anyone who knew I had a boyfriend ( which Justin does ) would have figured that out. But no, he sat there, anyway, just to fucking be next to me. Then I got up to leave and go smoke. He wasn't planning on leaving the table until I stood up. When I started walking away, he said, " Oh, you're leaving me!? " I was PISSED. I said, " I'm not leaving anyone specific, I'm just leaving. " I'm going to have to go into bitch mode. I think that will be the only thing that will work. And it has been advised that I don't accept his Valentine's day gift, and thinking about it, that is a great idea especially since even though I wasn't interested before he's under the impression that his gift is going to " work " and make me fall in love with him or some shit. He asked me why every girl he likes never likes him back. I told him I didn't really have an answer to that, but a good place to start would be taking care of himself hygenically, not being a fucking creep, and really, just changing the way he talks. He is always bitching about something and talks about how he's " crazy " and flips out and shit. Why would anyone want to date someone like that? I already have, and it didn't end well. And I'd still rather date that person than this guy. I'd rather be single than date either of them, but that's not the point I'm making here. I'm going to have to have a talk with him and it's coming soon. This shit is starting to drive me crazy. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm sure once I get aggravated enough it'll all come exploding out. I'd rather not be mean, but if that's what it takes for him to back the fuck off, sorry, I'm going to fucking shit all over him. After a certain point, you just can't care anymore. Oh yeah, and he made some comment to D ( before we were dating ) about me being his " princess " or some such shit like that. Disgusting. I'll be the Princess Bitch From Hell.