Bearer of bad news.
Yesterday was really not such a great day, and now that I'm not purely reacting from emotion, I'm feeling a lot more put together about everything.

Everything always happens for a reason.

My cat, Marley, had to stay in Wausau because I couldn't bring him to Michigan right away. He's been staying with Shawn's sister for about 2 weeks, and Shawn contacted me last night and told me that I had 2 weeks to pick Marley up or he was going to be taken to the pound. I guess he's been getting pretty sick, losing his fur, and not walking so well because he's really tender around his joints. I broke down and cried as soon as Shawn said the words "Marley's sick." He's been my baby for the last 2.5 years, and basically my everything. I gave away the two other cats that we had because they didn't get along with Marley, and that damn cat was pretty much me in feline form. He's moody, sassy, and does things on his time and no one else's. He was definitely my cat though, and really wouldn't lay with anyone else but me. *sigh* I've missed my little buddy since the day that I left him. But anyway. After my heart shattered to pieces, I told Shawn to just take him to the pound. I don't have the money to take him to the vet, I don't have any where to keep him, and the last thing that I want to do is move him to yet another new house with new people or new animals. The stress could make him severely worse or even kill him.

People seem to mostly talk about heart break after they break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or get a divorce, but my heart has never felt broken until now. It's extremely difficult to keep my composure and to keep my head straight. He's like my kid, and all I want to do is hold him, pet him [no, I wouldn't pet my kids.], and comfort him. And what I want more than anything is to at least say good bye. My dad told me last night that while he may be put down, no one can ever take my memories of him. It's true, but I would rather just have him, ya know?


I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find a cat as handsome as him =]


On a semi optimistic note, I told Pj yesterday that when we finally get into our apartment I'm going to get a kitten. He was totally fine with it, and when I mentioned it to Kelly and Rach, they didn't have a problem with it either. It's something to look forward to. Hopefully I'll hear back from Old Navy soonish about a 2nd interview. When I talked to Becky yesterday, she still hadn't heard anything.

Aaaand even more depressing news! I called my dad last night to tell him about Marley, and he had some not so good news himself. I guess my mom spent the night in the hospital the night before last. Someone at work found her slumped over her desk unable to talk or move. This happened over Labor Day weekend as well, and from what I understand, they have determined that these little episodes are mini strokes. She's had MS for the last 14 years, and things are starting to get pretty bad, or maybe I just think it's bad because after 14 years, I finally grew accustomed to what she was going through. This is a whole new playing field though, and now I'm just scared. They ran some tests, did an MRI and an EEG, and she's supposed to be meeting with her primary MS doctor to go over the results. I think that 2 weeks is an awful long time to wait to go over the results of what could be mini strokes. Those are a pretty big deal, imo, and I wish that they would be acting a little more swiftly.

My mom and I don't always see eye to eye, but she's my mom and I love her. I'm horrified that she could get these mini strokes while she's driving and get into an accident. We've already been in one bad accident together that neither of us should have survived. What if she's not so lucky this time?? I don't know what I would do if I lost her, and I don't know if I could handle losing her. I know that MS isn't a deadly disease, but I know that it will kill her. She's not as strong as she was at first, and with all of these new symptoms *shakes head* I just don't know. It kills me. I just want this all to go away, and I want her to be okay again.

It gets harder and harder to be as strong as I feel think I need to be. I wanted to just break down and bawl and just be held, but I refrained because I didn't want to be a burden or a bother. I know that I probably never would be viewed as such, especially by Pj, but crying shows weakness and vulnerability which usually leads to getting hurt even worse.

Oh fuck.

This is exactly what I'm supposed to be changing. Trusting myself and Pj. Trusting what we have together, and not holding him at arms length because I'm afraid. Not being afraid to feel emotional distress and pain. When he came to comfort me, I should have wrapped my arms around him and just cried instead of trying to fight back the tears and toughen up.

I'm sorry.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Admitting you have a problem requires recognizing the problem.
I'm beginning to recognize the problem.
Good start, I think.
Now I just have to figure out how to fix it.

Not gonna lie, that Long Island iced tea is sounding better and better.

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