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2004 14 May :: 11.40 am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: tech class
owww...
Well I'm in school, in tech class actually. I jsut played twinkle twinkle little star, by programing it into the computer and it took about 1 year. soooo hard
You know what I hate? I hate when i try to have an adult conversation with my father he treasts me like all the opinions i from by myself are... childish. And true I mgiht have a good point but he will feel compelled to give me an example of why i'm wrong, or maybe jsut an example that has nothing ot do wiht my point.
And it's horrible because i'm trying to convey something i found interesting, or a point i believe in, and just because i'm 14 he'll write it off most of the time. It's not fair. Other people who don't know me, who only know i'm younger than them will listen to me,and take my opinions for those of an adult, or at least as if i've thought them out.
He's my father, shouldn't he be supportive of me? Shouldn't he let me devolop my own thought pattern? Expolore what i want to? I mean, it's not lik i'm ever really wrong about most of the things i'm talking about, because they are totally opinions.
The worst part is, when i'm AGREEing with him, adn he still does that. He gives me an example and the way he tells me about the example it's like he thinks i have an opposing opinio.n. I was agreeing and he still treated me like iw as stupid and wrong. It makes me want to cry...
What i with that??
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2004 9 May :: 7.07 pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Minority- Green Day
Procrastination, such a lovely thing
I should be writing me science or social studies essay, but i don't want to. It's boring, hard and evil. Argh. And i don't wnat to work on my story, because liz wants me to make it less wordy... adn i think she's slightly mistaken in some of the cases. Like she's saying it's wordy when i'm trying to create a setting...
Anyway, i don't really feel like writing but i don't know what else to really do. Seeing as how bored i am. Hmmm
well i don't know i'm getting really made at A lately and I've felt this way before, that we were growing apart. I mean we hardly hang out anymore, we hardly get together or do anything together, we don't even talk that often. We even sit on opposite sides of the lunch table. Adn this has happened then we hang out for a day or something and i feel the friendship is sufficently patched... but i'm not sure if that is going to happen this time. I also feel like rose is sorta drifting too.
But my worst fear is, it's not them who is drifting away, but it's me, detaching myself from them. And i'm forgetting to call one of my VERY best friends K, and i NEVER used to forget to call. And i used to call her on my own, now my mom has to remind me...
Am i changing? Or is everyone else...
And some of the people i ahng out with now KA, SM, Kr i would never have hung out with in years past, now i'll delaying going into the dance with my other buds, to hang out in the park with them...
Is it bad to be changing though? I mean i'm always concerned when rose changes, mostly becasue when she started changing she also started cutting, not that we knew... Maybe that's why I am trying so hard not to change... because i associate the recent changes in one of my friends to destructive behavior...
I miss... ... ... i'm not quite sure...
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2004 2 May :: 5.58 pm
:: Mood: on the edge
:: Music: julia-Cheap Suits
no idea
I want ot write in my journal... what happens to me. What happened in D.C. Stuff i found out.... but i can't. It would hurt my friends, it would hurt me. But i already hurt enough that i want to cry. If i could open up my soul... what would it look like? I think it would be a swirling mass of coloring being pulled down in a whirl pool.
Why do i want to be such a good friend. If i was a heartless bitch... I would be sane... DAMN IT!
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2004 18 April :: 7.46 pm
:: Mood: mischievous
OHHHH!!!
Ok so some interesitng changes... obviously the colors are different... and my icon is gone! Getting ready for the change already. Now i just need to MAKE a new icon! Hahaha.
Anyway i sent in the money for fadingintoblue's and account and this one,a dn now i'm jsut waiting for him to get it.
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2004 12 April :: 7.59 pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Five o'clock Shadow
Story
Hahahaha. I'm horrible person. I am such a procrastinationer, it's sad.
That story i wanted to ahve done by x-mas. Still not done. In fact i need to get it to liz like tomorrow or the next day to get it edited and i still need to finish editing it.
And at the moment, I hate that story. I mean it really shows a younger me almost. I mean it's crazy but I've grown up since then. not by a lot, but by a sufficent amount.
It also doesn't help that i've been thinking of the fact that i don't own it for quite a while. So i have this feeling that i can't change it. That it has to stay that way adn all i can do is edit but not change anything drasticlly.
The sotry also makes me feel more and more obsessed. because i need to get his address so more and more people are starting to think I'm obsessed. GRRRR I"M NOT! true i was last year, but i'm not any more.
AND!!! I NEVER loved him. He was a neat person. A cool friend. But that was all. He also taught me. It was like what my brother would teach me. He would have these moments when he would enlighten you along with these piles of times he just listed off facts, or didn't tell you anything but had someone else do it. It was really weird. I mean his teaching was like my brother's and he sorta dressed like my brother(sometimes) and a lot of stuff connected him to my brother in my mind, ebcause sometimes they were so similar. So maybe subconsusial i started almost thinking of him as a brother.
I did. I mean the ways i got mad at him, then he was cool again. My mind made me think of him as some sort of weirdo brother.
Bad mind...
Maybe that's why people thought/think i love him. Because it's like loving a friend or a brother. he's cool to ahng out with, you try to keep in touch, but you can get mad at him without a need to feel sorry adn make up. Hmmmmmm
But the stories still evil.
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2004 9 April :: 7.24 pm
:: Mood: enraged
:: Music: Five o'clock shadow
Betrayed!!!
Argh!! Why is it illegal to kill people!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrr I hate meg right now. I didn't mind it when she was going out with one of the biggest assholes in school but i draw the line here!!!!
Meg, my friend is going out with my crush! True she has no idea he's my crush, but that's not why I'm mad. If it was jsut that it would be understandable. No she made a point of telling us she didn't like him, adn she thought that whe they were 'together' last time she didn't like it.
LAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate her... true she doesn't know, and i'm not about to tell her now but i still hate her. I hate her mostly because i was wondering if they stil liked each other, adn i knew chris did. But i basked in the saftey of knowing she didn't like him back...
Well apperently she does!!!! I think she's a bitch... evil, person...
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2004 14 March :: 9.35 pm
:: Mood: pensive
Icon
Hmmm, i have no idea what i was thinking with that icon. I mean he was the best teacher i've had yet, not as a teacher tough and he sucked at the curiclum but he did teach me stuff and he was a cool guy. But i've moved on. It would be fun to talk to him and i need to finish that story, because in all rights it's his, not mine. I miss him, because he was fun to talk to adn would have let me come to his classes and hang out there(at least he did for the 8th graders last year) And i really wish he was our DI manager, because he was great at that, but if he was the team would be pretty much the same as last year, and while last year was great and we had a killer idea, we fought a lot, and weren't very rpoductive for a long time. And we fight this year but since Andrew isn't here i fight alot less. So even though i wish he was here instead of MC the team would be last year and that's boring, that's not what we need.
I wonder what the votech school he works at is like. I can hardly imagine him. A vice principal, hope he's not like gayzik...
His story, written by me, isn't mine. Because it's not like my other writing. None of it. Maybe because i had in mind what was to happen before i wrote it, doesn't happen in what i usually write. Or maybe because of all the research i did. Maybe because he inspired it. Or because i had to use real people. I couldn't make them say anything i wanted. Maybe because it wasn't realistic fiction. Maybe because it was... fantasy? historical? I think historical. Maybe it was because i covered alot of time without much detail. Maybe it's because it's so damn long. Maybe it's because i didn't restrict my self for length and just wrote the story to it's own end, not one i had to stick in. What would my storyies be like if let them write themselves to the end, instead of forcing out an end. What if the climax was were it's supposed to be. I hope i can get the address. Because i really want him to read it. Not because i put in alot of work, but because... i think he'd like his story. I hope i can finish it soon. hmmm, maybe i should pull it out.
I need a new icon, this one causes a type of nostolgia i don't want to feel. He's just a teacher, who cares if he left... I do cause he didn't say good bye, he said see you next year... he sucks sometimes, but that just makes him cooler. Damn him and his subtle coolness.
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2004 14 March :: 10.39 am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Walk By- good charlotte
arghh
So i heard that woohu might be closing down... that sucks but you know it's his choice. I mean if Andy runs this site, gets hardly any money and thinks to himself 'this sucks i'm gonna close down the site' then you know all the more power for him. But the worst thing is i can't find my real journal, like the thing made of paper and cardboard that lives in my house! Which is majorly uncool... mostly because i have interesting things to write about yesterday. When i spent 3 hours at my crushes house with DI and we played truth or dare. I learned so many things, one more person knows he's my crush... though there was a brief time when almost everyone there found out, but thank god they are stupid and unobservant(i mena it in a loving way). And i found he doesn't find me complelty repulsive, and how far he's gotten, good stuff like that. I really have to make my own scale(you know 1st base 2nd so on) instead of just using alyssa's... which i think i modified... hmm. But sadly everything said there stays with us... so i can't really write any of it here. And i can't say some things because it'd feel to open to prying eyes, though the only person who really reads this on a regular basis is Liz... and it's not like i wouldn't tell her... unless she felt uncomfortable about. But she usually doesn't for some reason she thinks she complains all the time about stuff with me so i'm... allowed to complain about boys? it doesn't really make any sense. Hmmm, i never thought she complained, or obsessed that much... oh well. Truth and dare was fun though *smile* and we have to get together again to really do anything with the set, sooooo...
Grrrr where are you my journal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pooo... but i'll find it... one day. soon hopefully, before i forget all of yesterday, though i won't forget some of it for a very long time.
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2004 28 February :: 5.56 pm
:: Mood: giggly
Touchy feely
You may have never noticed this, but as a whole at least my school is very against touching. I'm nto talkign about the admin, or the teachers but the kids. They jsut don't want to touch each other. And this seems to be the same everywhere. People don't want to come in contact with other people.
But why? Is it so bad to be contaminated by another's being that we try to avoid it at all costs?
At school most of the time people just go their own way adn only use touching as a message. I've bumped into people in the hallway to let them know they were being an asshole and someone slowly moving away is letting you knwo that they 1) dislike you or 2) think your insane(joke or not).
And then there are also friends. My friends adn I will hug each other, i don't to tell each other we love them, without saying it. And guys think that's weird but we take it for normal. And hugging a friend may be the best way i have for them to know that i care about them. Though my oldest friends and i ahve never hugged... i don't know why, perphaps because our relationship was created and cemented before it was acceptable in our lives.
And then there is family it has the same base as friends but kissing is more accepted in families for their love is unconditional.
And lastly there are lovers. they have touched each other inthe most intamite way. A way that if uninvited can ruin any relationship or chance of one forever without relent. The way those two touch each others makes smoe cring and other get steamy. But some can't even imagine touching another person in such a way.
And fighting. When one invades your space you will do anything to kick them out. Punch, kick, grab, scratch, bite, scream, threaten, kill. And therefore you invade their space creating the basis for the fight.
So touching is avoided by strangers and aqquantices, and many guys. But wanted by lovers and enemies. Family and friends use it as a tool.
But why avoid it from others? Are we afraid we'll rub off? or they will change us in some unforseen way? or that the world jsut given it a bad twist?
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2004 14 February :: 7.14 pm
:: Mood: listless
Youngest child
So I have an older brother and an older sister. B is my sister, the oldest. E is my bro, middle kid. People always talk about how hard bneing the middle child is supposed to be. I can't disagree but in some ways it is easier than being the youngest.
For a while i was trying to figure out where i fit in around my family. I mean my sister is the smart one and my brother is the rebellious one, he even dropped out of college. ANd i couldn't figure out who I was. I mean i get good grades, always make A's(well at least for my average) but then there is the punker side of me. I mean i'm the kind of girl who if i felt like it, would punch a kid for getting on my nerves, and i do... sometimes... SO i couldn't figure out who i was, what my sterotype was. I couldn't be the smart kid, that's my sister(who i think is smarter then me anyway) And i couldn't be the rebel cause that was my brother(again he is way more rebelious than me... or it's just that's how i've always known him cause that's how he was when i was getting older, but he did have this really nredy pahse with a 'shroom cut and everything)
So i was standing outside waiting for my mom on tuesday or thursday or somethign like that, leaning my head against one of the poles by the door. And it came to me. I'm the typical creative one.
I love music, and drawing(though i suck... badly) and writing. I love all of art('cept maybe dancing, but mostly cause i suck at that too adn envy those who can dance... but only sometimes). I mean i'm not like one of those artsy kids in TV shows but if you think of my family sterotypiclly I'm the creative one.
Sure, we all swapped roles, my brother or sister should be creative and who ever isn't is the smart one and i should be the rebel, but this is how it is in my family.
The weird thing is, while i am defiently the creative one I'm also smart and a rebel(a hell, refer to previoud post). So my brother and sister influenced me so much i couldn't see who i was, all i could see was them.
If i had been an only child i could have created my own me... no B or E in me...
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2004 13 February :: 7.36 pm
:: Mood: discontent
Rebel vs. intellectual
So whenever i listen to a song like numb or perfect and it's saying how like someone is smothering you i really relalte to it. ANd i ahd no idea why. I mean i have great parents and they are really understanding and have good standrards for me. So i couldn't figure out why i releted to these songs. Then i figured it out. My parents aren't the ones disapporving or smothering me. It's myself.
I want to be perfect in everything i do. Get great grades, be good at sports, all these things. But deep in my heart i want to be one of those kids who does nothing, doesn't care, and loves it. I don't want to give a f***. I want to make sure i do everything perfectly, and everytime i do something bad i beat myself up, though i'm getting better at only doing it about something i care. I think that was a bad descion, or i should be doing something productive.
I want to be two different people, because these two sides jsut clash to much. Why can't i just be one. But it's impossible, there is no happy medium and giving up either side is two hard. I have this war raging inside adn no one will ever win. And i can't blaence it because they aren't even perfect opposites they are just different. And i feel like crying because since they are so different it's hard to decide what to do. I go out and be productive i want to be home sleeping. Sleeping adn lounging i try to be productive. And i just can't be both at the same time.
Is this some disease, because if it is i want meds, i don't want to relete to these songs anymore, i want ot be blissful. Ignorant. whatever. Even being a memeber of stoners united would be better than being like this, because with me there is no right way, adn being happy with myself doesn't last long enough.
Maybe one day i will find a way to merge them... why isn't that today?
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2004 28 January :: 5.18 pm
:: Mood: BEYOND pissed
stupid stupid stupid
OK i jsut ranted about how they had this stupid little program, nice long rant and then the stupid computer got rid of it, stupid stupid stupid... right now i ahte EVERYTHING.
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2004 28 January :: 5.15 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
Damn them all
OK i take that back it's not charging you to work for them, as far as i can tell it's charging you to VOLUNTEER!!!! IN the little thing it says earn the leadership patch adn then earn the leadership pin after a week of VOLUNTEER SERVICE!!!! You can get leadership things while getting paid... ok if they are serioudly not paying people this year very few people will be and aide... AT ALL!!!!!!!! They are being so freaking stupid, almost as stupid as studio 2b... GARF!
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