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fadingintoblue
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2004 18 October :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Vienna Teng
To do:
1) Extension project for Gov and Pol
2) Crime summaries for Criminal and Civil Law
3) Crime report for Criminal and Civil Law
4) Fifteen minute speech for Gov and Pol
5) College apps
6) Resume
7) Application for a job (any job)
8) Characterization for English
9) Monologe for Drama
10) Member list for MUN
11) Get gas (actually, that's something I'll probably do tonight, because I'm not getting to school without it).
12) Write analytical paper for Gov and Pol
13) Write some more of my novel before I outgrow it
14) Precalc homework
15) Gold Award
16) Remember what else I have to do and finish it before it's too late.
I'm kinda afraid that I'm sick (because my heart was racing during homeroom and I had trouble breathing a lot of the day and I was burning up during fourth period but shivering during fifth), which would not bode well for anything on that list getting done. As it is, the prospect is rather grim for most of the above being completed within the next decade.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 12 October :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: rambly
:: Music: Linkin Park
I am an idiot
What do I think I'm doing? Brie's been really nice to me. Kavya's been really nice to me. Jenn's been...quieter, at least. And Kelly's promised to talk to Jenn. I have no reason to be in a dark mood. I have things to look forward to, like Brie's party (which is only two and a half weeks away). There are even several people giving me "I don't hate Liz" vibes. So, I'm just being stupid.
Case in point, not only did I cut again (after vowing to stop because it's pointless and doesn't help), I did it on my wrist (albeit very lightly) in addition to my knee. People see my wrist. I can't wear a watch indefinitely. Am I trying to get attention? I feel like too many people know I cut. It was almost better when it was a secret, so I would know it wasn't for attention. Of course, now I'm writing about it and posting it in an online journal for people to read, which just shows that I'm an attention-whore.
Also, see current bad mood. I know there's a lot of stress going on in my life at the moment (College! College! Gold Award! Colllege! etc.), but by now I should be able to deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean alone without freaking out. It's going to be so scary next year when my entire support system is going to be miles away (especially since I want to go to Maryland, and four hours isn't exactly a casual drive). But, again, I should be able to deal with that by now, especially since I'll be nineteen and not going away from home for the first time.
And (this is somewhat unrelated), I'm also stressed because Stina's acting like our friendship doesn't really matter anymore (by promising to eat with me today and then leaving me to the whiles of Jenn by eating with other people). And I'm sick and tired of being a second choice. Maybe I shouldn't expect her to actually want to spend time with me, but she's claimed to be my friend, so I wish she would stop lying to me and trust me to like her as she is (especially if she would actually be around to talk to!). I miss my Stina. I know people grow apart, but I really don't want that to happen to Stina and me, not right now. Brie and I were talking about growing apart from people during 8th period, and we were wondering (or I was wondering) who we'd still be friends with in ten years. I want to still be friends with Brie, but the only people I really think I'll still be friends with are Katie and maybe Sasha (and that's kinda wishful thinking for both of them). Growing apart sucks.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 11 October :: 9.08pm
:: Music: Ivy
I was actually kinda relieved this morning when I woke up this morning to my period. It's nice to know that I can at least partially blame the weird mood I was in all weekend on my something. And that would explain why I ate so much and why I was so hungry for chocolate.
Unfortunately, though, I still have a bad mood. I was ready to kill people today, especially Jenn, who continues to irritate me everytime she opens her mouth. Brie tried to make me feel better, but I was just not in a good mood. At all. And I think I was scaring Jenn (good).
And then, I got called out of choir to talk about college, which took about 2 minutes, answered none of my questions, and left me with nothing but more forms to fill out and a deepening sense of rage. There was even somebody else in the office with me when we were doing this. And Mrs. Oram wonders why we all laugh whenever she suggests the guidance department as a resource.
I'm just happy that I managed to get myself home. An angry driver is a scary driver...and it's really hard not to let my mood affect my driving (although it helped that "I Want to Be Sedated" by the Ramones came on the radio).
And now I feel like crying. This is not a good week (or month or season or year).
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fadingintoblue
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2004 10 October :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: odd
:: Music: Wicked soundtrack
What I did this weekend (not necessarily in the same order as below)
1) Skipped the SATs.
2) Went shopping for hours and hours (ahhhhhhhh)
3) Had dinner with Jennie
4) Reread Trickster's Queen while completely ignoring the books I took out of the library several weeks ago.
5) Watched "Saved"
6) Rode in a car with a hyperactive poodle in my lap.
7) Went to a really cool really huge craft festival and bought earings and a bracelet and got the matching necklace as an early Christmas gift. (This is my fourth festival type thing in as many weeks).
8) Got served really weird buttermilk pancakes with homefries in them when I ordered potato pancakes at a weird diner.
9) Did not touch my Gold Award application (Am contemplating being "sick" tomorrow if I can't finish it during precalc or english class).
10) Did not touch my evil Criminal and Civil law project.
11) Or either of my AP Gov and Pol projects.
12) Or my college essays.
13) Or my AP Gov and Pol hw.
14) Did do my Precalc crap.
15) Had nightmares and weird dreams.
16) Wrote a crappy poem.
17) Was informed of several different job opportunities...but still not sure if I really want to be a coatcheck girl and work until 11 pm at night a few nights a week (and then have to drive 25 minutes home).
17) Watched lots of X-Play.
18) Did almost no laundry...am contemplating wearing that horrid purple shirt (it matches my new jewelery at least).
19) Absolutely nothing productive (I didn't even make my bed), unless you count doing page 66 #1-13 odd for precalc (which is definitely not productive, because I will never have to graph polynomial functions in real life).
This has been such a weird weekend. I've spent the entire time being "busy," but getting absolutely nothing done. I've also been in one of those really weird moods, and it doesn't help that I can't sleep again (and I've been going to bed at a semi-decent hour). I keep waking up after a few hours, and then every half hour after that.
And I'm having bad dreams, some of which include all the stupid things I have to do that I'm avoiding. I know I'll feel better after I clean my room and do my three humungo long term projects and do my Gold Award. And if I could give certain friends new families (DYFIS sucks...I'm not sure I spelled that right). But until then, I get to be a stressed out wreck. And then I get to apply to college and have strangers I never met evaluate my worth. And if they like me but not enough to give me lots of money, I'll have to go to a crappy college I don't like (just like my sister had to). Of course, first I have to write an essay (or three) that makes me sound like they'd actually want me, while simultaniously being grammatically correct, interesting, and real. I don't think they really want me to write a rambling essay on my low self-esteem, so I'll have to bs something about how the one person living or dead I'd love to meet would be President Bush so we could discuss foreign policy, or something idiotic like that. Gah, I need sleep. And some valium. Well, maybe not valium. But some chocolate would be nice (and I've had so much lately, I feel sick, it's so counterproductive it's sad). But I think I am going to go to bed and stop rambling in this entry.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 9 October :: 11.08pm
:: Music: Ivy
gah
I also have to fill out my gold award application (after I figure out what I'm doing), do enough laundry so I don't have to wear purple, apply to college, figure out where I'm applying to (which I should probably do before I apply), do my criminal and civil law project, do my two huge long-term ap gov and pol assignments, find a job, clean my room, smile enough that my parents don't freak out, figure out how I'm going to go to college without losing my friends and whatever vestige of sanity I have left, save the whales, find Amelia Earhart, stop having crushes on sophomore girls, get "Defying Gravity" out my head, stop having nightmares, find my soulmate, get my mother to trust me, and find some way to feel better about myself.
Yup, that happy moment is gone. That was fast.
...I need a hug.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 9 October :: 11.02pm
:: Mood: odd but good
:: Music: Ivy
I'm having one of those random good moments I wish would last. I wish i could write a poem or somtehing, and make it last longer, but I haven't been able to write poetry for awhile now. Oh well.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 5 October :: 3.31pm
:: Mood: losing my mind
:: Music: Wicked soundtrack
ahhhhhhhhhh!
I need to find a nice way to communicate to Jenn (aka Stina's new sophomore cousin from Florida) that she gives me a headache, and while I wish her luck finding friends in New Jersey, we are not compatible and she is wasting her time on people that don't like her as she is. I've been in the same situation, and it sucks, but it doesn't change that we are just not compatible. It's not that I hate her or anything, it's just that I don't have the proper personality to be friends with her. And judging by the fact that I've been breaking pencils and styrofoam lunch trays and such in tiny bits at lunch again (something I haven't done in force since Larissa was sitting with us last year), this is not good for me. I've come out of lunch feeling drained, and I was in such a bad mood yesterday (which was only partially because of her, I will admitt) that I had a hard time not snapping at people. I don't snap at people, I'm usually good enough at acting calm. I'm not feeling calm right now. Jenn won't leave me alone. She spent TEN MINUTES badgering me about who I was in my past life. Excuse me, Jenn, I don't want to answer that question. And stop loudly going on and on about nothing. And don't expect me to throw out your trash, especially when you've never done that for me. And stop trying to destroy my love of literature by making a mockery of what I love. I don't care that you read too if you're going to be such an idiot about it. Libraries are not disgusting. And no, you are NOT making me feel better by telling me how sad and upset you are that JK Rowling hasn't come out with book 6 yet. I'm holding back tears, and you think that badering me about Harry Potter and "who burst your bubble?" will help? And stop asking me when the books are coming out, I DON'T KNOW. And stop complaining about your English class, you cannot already have 100% correct grammar, and it's not my fault you have to read The Scarlet Letter this year. Just be quiet and stop talking to me!
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fadingintoblue
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2004 24 September :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: like someone pushed me underwater and I can't brea
:: Music: tracy chapman
I hate this. When I get into one of these fucking moods, I can't even talk to people. I manipulated things so that I could be home alone tonight, and I don't except to see anyone else for at least another hour, longer if I leave the house (though I have nowhere to go).
This is so stupid. I cut myself last night. I wasn't really feeling anything, so I figured I'd give it a try. Absolutely zero effect. I have some pretty red lines on my legs, but that's it. Even the "negative" coping mechanisms don't work anumore, and I'm not going to mess around trying to go deeper or anything like that, because I know that will just make it worse, so I'm done cutting now for good, I think.
I can't even write poetry about it. I can't talk directly to anyone. And there's absolutely nothing wrong. Most of my classes don't suck, I see friends during the day (admittedly not every class, or even every other class), I have a car, I have a loving family...There's absolutely nothing wrong but me.
Is this going to follow me? Am I going to be in college and still dealing with the same crap I've spent years trying to get over? Am I going to be agonizing over stupid stuff like this when I'm forty?
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fadingintoblue
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2004 22 September :: 5.43pm
:: Music: Garden State soundtrack
cool things and crappy things
Cool things first:
1) I'm 18! That's pretty awesome, because I can vote and sign my own forms and actually insist on my constitutional rights (there's a reason I always carry a pocket constitution on me). And presents are cool. I got money, a handmade bracelet, a note outlining my coolness, three of those nifty info filedecks with all the pictures, a cd, a ring, and a neat bag.
2) MUN! is! fun! I'm so happy it's starting again. I'm sure I'll be stressed out and wondering the exports and inports of Albania (or something like that) soon enough, but I really love it. Plus I'm secretary, so I get to do extra work for little recognition (and I'm excited, for some reason).
3) I'm getting a new cell phone today! I'm still a bit bummed about losing my old one, but at least I'll have one again (and I only have to pay half the replacement cost).
4) I did my graded pantomime in Dramatics! And I didn't suck! I actually got some good comments! And I got my second quiz back from English, and I got an A, and I got my first quiz back from AP Government and Politics, and it was a B (which was the highest anyone got), which makes me feel good.
Now the crappy things:
1) I'm sick.
2) I'm tired.
3) I'm starting to feel...not quite depressed, that's not the word...but shadowed (if that's the right way to describe it). I don't really understand it, because things are going my way for the most part. And I'm back in that stupid random mood that I spent all day getting rid of.
This is a slightly pointless journal entry, but oh well.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 14 September :: 5.47pm
It's stupid, because I always want things I can't have. For example:
I want someone to hold me right now. I want to cry and have someone stroke my hair and tell me they love me. And it's not that I have anything to cry over, really, but I just want that closeness. Because I'm starting to feel really far away from people. Is this part of reaching adulthood (which, supposedly, I'm doing right now)? I'm starting to see my parents differently, as real people with faults who can fail and be wrong in things. Of course, I knew that years ago, but I'm just starting to *see* now. I can't explain. And I find myself withdrawing into myself again. During the summer I'm much more outgoing, but I'm slipping back to myself.
This is stupid. I wish I would stop thining these things; it would be so much easier if I could stop feeling things I can't explain.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 13 September :: 5.24pm
:: Music: weezer
This made me cry.
Not a lot. But if it makes my eyes wet, it counts. I cried a tear on Saturday too, over at the courthouse at the county memorial service.
http://www.tomatonation.com/stillhere.shtml
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fadingintoblue
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2004 10 September :: 10.47pm
oh, and one more thing...
This is kinda weird, but I've noticed lately that it's really only the freshmen and sophomores that have dyed hair and such. I mean, people in my grade will have hair dyed black or blonde or something, but it's the freshmen and sophomores that have streaks of pink and stuff (with some exceptions). I think it might be because freshmen and sophomores are still experimenting with looks? I'm not sure, I just found it noteworthy for some reason.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 10 September :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: tired, introspective, and stupid
:: Music: Weezer
Lots of stuff
1) School. Big surprise, it sucks. Not as badly as it could suck, but it still sucks. I did get rid of my two half study halls, but now I'm taking a class I know nothing about (it's called Dramatics, that's all I know) in addition to my other electives, and I only have half a study hall (this semester only). I'm going to try to nix that study hall too, and get into Chorale (yes, the sophomore choir that I was in two years ago) for the winter concert at least. We'll see how that goes. And I have a parking spot. But I'm not exactly looking forward to the next nine months.
2) Digital camera! Yay! I'm taking all these pretty pictures and wishing I could have taken Photography instead of Dramatics. And I actually figured out how to use it, miracle of miracles.
3) Tomorrow is (duh) September 11th. Three years. Maybe I'm stupid or sappy for thinking the aniversary matters, but it does. I was fourteen. I was a freshmen. I was just starting to decide who I was, and suddenly all these people are dying. I start going to the gym for the first time and I watch all the TVs show equally horrifying pictures of destruction. Politicians started to use the date as the reasoning behind everything from war to the economy. I gained a political consciousness. It was just three years ago, and I didn't know anyone who died, I didn't volunteer for the 9/11 foundation, I didn't go to Ground Zero, I didn't do anything really, but it still effected me, and still effects me. My generation is now defined by one day. It's stupid to only think of things on their aniversary, and forget them the rest of the time, but I can't help it.
4) I turn eighteen in ten days, and my mom is still worried about me driving (I got her to admit today that she'd rather me take the bus and that even though she wants me to be independent, she wishes I wouldn't drive except in Montana or someplace like that), and I'm not sure I'm an adult yet. How can they pick a random age and stick a label? Today I'm not mature enough to vote, or make my own decisions, but in ten days I am? I'm not sure that I like who I am right now, where did my teen years of experimentation go?
5) SHS beat IHS, and I actually care. I'm actually happy. Why?
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