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:: 2004 9 April :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: vienna teng

I love this song
This completely describes me right now. I love Vienna Teng.

Hope on Fire
by Vienna Teng

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when

http://www.viennateng.com/discography/

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 21 March :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: radiohead

weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
I was just on a message board, and I was looking at everyone's sigs. I now have a new quote:
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird."
Yup, I feel very special for making that up now (I mangeled someone else's quote). And it perfectly describes me. I should tatoo that on my head, way too many people have been on my back about how smart I am lately (my math teacher, the girl who sits in front of me in math, pretty much everyone else in my math class, the people who sit around me in physics, some of my friends). It's actually kinda getting on my nerves, because people except things from you when you are smart.
Also, my favorite shoes died today. I was at the mall with my parents for some reason, and my father stepped on my shoe and ended up ripping it off my foot. I had to go up to The Right Start where my sister works and beg some packing tape (how sad, they had no duck tape) off of her to fix my shoe enough so it would stop falling off my foot. I'm really sad too, because they were the blue ones with zippers I got two years ago that I'll never see again. But I shouldn't be too sad, because I bought a pair of sneakers yesterday (I figured after 3 or so years of avoiding sneakers, it was time for a change). And they're pretty nice, and they are blue. So hopefully I will be able to move past my grief from this tragic loss.
One more thing:
I went to the Best of B-burg dinner last night, and my dad was one of the honorees. It was pretty cool, except P was there to do the flag ceremony with some other Girl Scouts, and she acted like such a b*th when I went over to say hello. Yup, she's such a great friend. But I had dessert that had chocolate in it, which was really realy yummy. Although I'm still pretty hyper. Oh well.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 9 March :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Vienna Teng

Why do people have to change?
It would be so much easier if they didn't. And I know I'm being unfair, because I've changed a ton in the past 3 or so years. I know that it's just part of being a teenager. But I don't even seem to know some people anymore. And I think people have stopped telling me things. I don't know why, because I never tell what they don't want me to, and I only would if I thought they were suicidal or homicidal or something. I can tell when something's wrong, but I can't help unless you tell me (S and B, I'm talking to you among others).
Among happier things, I really really really like this CD I'm listening to, it's perfectly wonderful.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 8 March :: 7.54pm
:: Music: Vienna Teng

random stuff i felt like writing
The Good: My grandma complimented me last night. I'm talking about the grandmother who relentlessly criticizes my every move and then chastises me for having low self-esteem. First she complimented me on my outfit, which was nice even if it didn't make me glow. Then she told me that a year ago she never would have considered me of leader quality, but now she would. She went on for a bit on how I've matured so nicely, and stopped being so shy. It was nice, I went pink with pleasure. I'm not sure it's true, but that's ok, because it's nice to know that my grandma doesn't think of me in completely negative terms. And my other grandma lent me this CD by Vinenna Teng, and it's super good. I was singing along to the chorus of the first song even before I finished listening to it for the first time.

The Bad:
I've been paranoid again lately. I hate these moods. I also hate being stressed due to my evil history project and my english crap. A few people have commented on my mood too, which is always bad. And I'm worried about a bunch of people: friends that I think are cutting, the fact that no one's talked to one of my friend's since Friday even though I was supposed to see her Saturday (and I know her grandfather's been having problems...), the way another one of my friend's has been under a ton of stress lately, plus her bf basically just dumped her for a really stupid reason. And of course, I'm always worried about my friends, all of them (not that I have *that* many, but still). I just want everyone to get through the year without any more mental breakdowns, and I want B's brother to stop being a jackass, and I want two certain people to either date or get over it already. I seriously feel like I'm back in middle school, this is ridiculous to have this much crap going on between friends in high school. And of course there are the people I don't go to school with. I'm also on my period, which probably explains the mood (gah, I'm afraid of going to a woman's college, just imagine 2000 women all having PMS at the same time).

1 rebuttal | response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 19 February :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: stressed and angry
:: Music: sample of tamora pierce's audiobook for

bad day(s)
Lar and her new best friend R are really really annoying me. It took awhile, but I finally managed to get over the fact that Lar OUTED ME AGAINST MY WILL and TOLD LIES ABOUT ME and TOLD PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME to other people. Haha, so maybe not. But I stopped obbsessing over it. And now I hear that Lar and R are having fun discussing my friends and me; apparently they call me "Les" (how creative), and Lar has decided that Brie, who she barely knows, is "naive." Uh huh. Yup, I so value their opinions. But I was in a bad mood yesterday anyway because of them. And today P basically told me she thinks I'm the only one at the lunch table who is naive (oh thanks). Just because I don't curse every fifth word or go to parties or experiment with drugs or alchohol or sex, I'm naive. I might not know the exact sensation of getting drunk, but I really don't think it's that important. Out of all of the people I eat lunch with, I know the most about random outside world things. True, knowing the legal definition of rape and voting regulations in Australia probably aren't what most people consider when they consider world knowledge. But I was still a bit peeved to be called naive, when I'm no more naive than anyone I eat lunch with (I'm a bit naive, but so is everyone else). And then some idiot guy on the bus who doesn't even know me asked me how I became a lifeguard in a really snotty tone of voice (he works at the y and he saw me there). I said something amazingly stupid, but followed it up with something good ("It's not like it's that hard. I mean, you passed it") if slightly mean. But I was really really angry at him and some other bus idiots when I got home. Also to add to my stressed out day, Stina got worried when she saw my hands after English class (she has English in the same room right after me, so we often talk for a minute). I'd been taking notes with a pencil, so my hands smudged against the graphite and looked bruised, like they would if I slammed them against a hard surface a ton of times. She was relieved when I told her what it was, she told me she was just making sure I wasn't "self-mutilating" (I hate that term), which made me feel really weird and self-concious and a bit like a liar.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 29 December :: 7.06pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: michelle branch

new year's eve
I wasn't really looking forward to new year's. I didn't have plans, and I was just going to stay home alone again like last year. But my grandma called the other day, and, because her friend Inez's sister isn't coming, she's invited me to go to New York with her. They're leaving Tuesday and going to a bunch of concerts and staying in a nice hotel and leaving Thursday. I'm babysitting all day Tuesday, but my sister is going to take the train with me to NYC Wednesday morning (I'm happy I don't have to try and go alone, I could probably do it but then I've got such a terrible directional sense that I'd be likely to get lost) and I'll meet them there. I think I can stand missing the Metropolitan Opera, but I'm majorly excited about the rest of it. Hehe, it's probably a little pathetic to be so excited, but I really can't wait. I've never spent the night in NYC before, and I'll get to go to a concert or two, and we might even go to Times Square. Plus, as I'm babysitting for about 9 hours tomorrow, I'll have some money to spend too. And I've got stuff planned for the rest of vacation too, so everything should work out nicely.

3 rebuttals | response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 7 December :: 1.56pm

just a thought
Just something to add to what I wrote before, I just thought about it:
If so many people know so many things about me, and some of them being the sole person to know, what do I know about them? Could something they told me casually once be the only time they told anyone? Are there things I know that other people consider secret, even though they don't seem that big to me?
It's definitely something to think about...

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 7 December :: 12.43pm
:: Mood: unprotected
:: Music: Linkin Park

secrets, or lack thereof
I realized last night that I don't really have secrets anymore. It used to be that no one knew that I'm bisexual, but I started telling people about that almost a year and a half ago. Now almost all my friends know. At one point I never told anyone that I get depressed, now a bunch of people know. (And before school started last year, I even told my parents. They didn't exactly believe me or take me seriously, but that's okay, it was a start.) People know now that I can be a freak about germs, that I'm afraid of household cleaners, that J.H. cornered me in the shed when we were 7 and made me kiss him. People know who I've had crushes on. People know my politics. People know that I'm a virgin and that I've never dated. People (ok, person) now know(s) that I used to cut myself. People know what I do in my spare time, people know my grades, people know what books I read. I'm not talking about all people, but it's enough that there are people that know one or more of thse things about me. Even my stupid little secrets are exposed, and I've got precious little that people don't know. Not that there is absolutely nothing left, but it's only the mostly minor stuff now. And that freaks me out, that I've told people so much about myself. It feels safer to be private, to have no one know who you are. I know that these things aren't particularly deep or dark (well, not really, for the most part), but I can't help but feel naked. I've tried to always be honest, and I've tried not to hide things, and now I'm not really hiding anything anymore. So why do I feel so unprotected?

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 17 October :: 9.50pm
:: Mood: slightly embarrassed
:: Music: five o'clock shadow

um, hehe? i think i need to be quiet
well, i had an interesting little outburst during my english class today. my teacher was talking about how you need community service for all the scholarships these days, and then he started mumbling something about all these mothers with 16 year old daughters they drag to girl scouts. i, um, didn't quite hear, and i um, ending up kinda yelling--well, not yelling, but saying loudly--"there's nothing wrong with being a 16 year old girl scout!" hehe, a little passionate about girl scouts, am i? maybe. but i was talking to my teacher after class and we talked about community serivice and stuff and he told me not to be embarrased about standing up for my convictions, saying what i feel, ect. so it was cool. but, combined with the fact that an office aide brought me a cookie form from someone earlier that day during my advanced history class (which has most of the people that are in my english class in it), i now look like a crazy girl scout freak (not that i'm ashamed about being a girl scout, because i'm not). i'm kinda tempted to run with the idea and wear my girl scout uniform to school monday, but i think i'll resist the urge. people already think i'm freaky.

1 rebuttal | response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 4 October :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: ivy

feeling like i'm stuck in a rut
this year i'm not really making any new friends through school, or even talking to new people. i just talk to the same old people all the time, some of whom are *really* getting on my nerves, like larissa. nothing is ever more important to her than herself. if i ever have a problem i need to talk about, she'll start talking about herself instead of helping me out. she's also said such charming things as "no offense, but i think i'm smarter than you." (if i had a dime for every time she's said something incredibly rude or mean to me after saying "no offense"...) yeah, she's a real great friend. and then there's that stupid ongoing problem of having hormones. it's really annoying to have crushes on people that can't like me back the same way. it's also frustrating that i don't know what girls are gay, and most people don't know that i'm bi either, so i probably won't end up dating anytime soon. plus, i'm getting really tired of dressing the same way everyday. i feel like wearing something different for a change. (this could get ugly. last time i felt like this i started wearing short dresses in shockingly bright colors, and bright pink and purple shirts that had smiley faces and the like on them.) i'm also just tired of doing the same thing everyday, and having most of my friends be busy. it's kinda sad that i spend most of my time alone. i like spending time alone (without it i go start raving mad), but i'm starting to feel like an idiot for being alone as much as i am. i only see friends outside of school perhaps every two weeks if i'm lucky (and i'm not sure if i should count gs meetings in that estimate because most of the gs i'm friendly with i'm not friendly with outside of gs, with a few exceptions). i really need a change, but i don't think i'm going to get one anytime soon.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 4 September :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: pink

school
it's started. my first three periods consist of physics (huge class, filled to the brim with people i don't like and who don't like me. none of my friends are in this class, of course). then i have gym, with just about everybody in my physics class. again, i don't have anyone i'm particularly friendly with. then i have algebra 2 with the teacher from hell, and the one person i'm thought i was kinda friendly with in it hasn't acknowledged me. this isn't good. i do not want to be as stressed out as i was last year. fourth period is better though. it's AP US History2, and my friend jenna sits across from me (and will till june, according to my teacher). i'm a little nervous, because my teacher heavily emphasized that it is a college level course, and that we are the elite history students of the school, the very top, and he expects us to work. fifth period is choir, which i love love love. sixth period lunch. seventh english, and while i don't have any of my friends in the class, there are friendly people in it and i like the atmosphere. the same stands for my next class, which is sociology. and i love the subject and the teacher seems awesome. last class is spanish, and the teacher seems nice, but the class is too big and again none of my friends are in it. and the teacher spent 80% of the time talking in spanish. yikes.

what's concerning me most though, is this one friend of mine. we have been really really really really good friends since seventh grade. i love her (in a completely platonic way). but some of the things she's said to me don't add up, and i think she might have lied to me. i didn't see her at all over the summer, and i didn't try too hard to see her either, because i was afraid of confronting her. but now she has my lunch period for a few days (before she gets switched back to the one she should have), and she wants to eat with me. i'm scared. i hate that i might have trusted her so completely when she didn't earn the trust, but i don't want to confront her about it (especially not in such a public place as the lunchroom).
also, i have homework tonight. quite a bit of it, actually. stupid school!

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 2 September :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: soft
:: Music: ivy

survey
My name is -- Elizabeth Ann.
I may seem -- different.
But I'm really -- really different.
If you knew me you'd probably -- talk to me online.
Sometimes I feel -- like breaking cds.
In the morning I -- get up insanely early for school (or at least i will starting thursday).
I like to sleep -- as much as possible.
If I could be doing anything right now I would be -- reading the newest Tamora Pierce book.
Life is -- interesting.
Love is -- avoiding me.
Money is -- something i have in small amounts.
One thing I wish I had is -- my school work done.
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is -- a project to do.
All you need is -- happiness.
All I need is -- happiness.
If I had one wish it would be -- to fall in love with someone that loves me back.
My physical appearance -- is, um, interesting?
If an angel flew into my window at night I would -- be surprised.
If a demon crashed into my window I would -- be really surprised.
If I could see one person right now it would be -- my grandpa.
If I could live one place in the world it would be -- canada.
Something I want but I don't really need is -- a game boy.
Something I need but I don't really want is -- medicine.
I live for -- good books.
I dare you all to -- write something.
I am afraid of -- disapointment.
It makes me angry when -- i do something stupid.
I dream about -- lots of stuff.
I daydream about -- getting published

yes, i obviously need a creativity spurt. i also need to actually do my summer work for school, as i have ONE DAY. stupid english class.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2003 18 August :: 5.17pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: tracey chapman

stuff
camp is over.
my last day was last wednesday, but the camp didn't actually close till friday. i can't believe it's over. i spent almost my entire summer there. i got a ton of hugs my last day, gave out my email address a few times, and got thanked by the director for working so hard and doing so much extra work during the summer. it's nice to know i'm appreciated. i thought that i would be happy to be done with camp, but i guess i'll miss it. i made a lot of friends, and it was to have people look to me to be a leader. but i only have two weeks now until school starts. i haven't touched my summer reading, i've barely written anything, i haven't seen stina all summer (not sure i want to though, because i think she was lying to me the last time we talked and i don't want to deal with the fact she might not have been honest to me), my room is a mess, i have unfufilled promises to spend time with my grandparents, and i have to go school shopping. my week is already booked till saturday (though i have some time on tuesday and wednesday), but i really want some time to just chill. i've been hopping all summer, and i need a break to think. i want time to evaluate how much i've changed this summer, because i know i have.

1 rebuttal | response?