silentcriez
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2005 31 January :: 6.37am
i went to the movies yesterday to see hide and seek it was good but there were too many loose ends that werent tied together at the end. i saw it with sarah stephy anna and lizzy :-) and then we went downtown and picked up krissy!! i miss her sooo muchhhhhhh and then we bought some goodness and went for a cruise ;-)
silver rain cascades
down my window panes
and into these eyes of mine
reflecting each cold memory
that you ripped from me
they fill my cup a half way up
until im seeing blue
head deep in thoughts of you
i dreamt a dream of you again
for the second night in a row
im spewing thoughts like the record player
blasting right next door
the mumbling words still wrap me up
so tight in thoughts of you
in illusions of all you do
my focus bounces like a ball off the wall
and into the other room
into another realm of history
of you and me, into a dream
im slipping slow, through these miles of snow
blurring every move
kiss me once and take me back
reject my heart, im branded black
im lost in here, with you inside of me
sweat still drips from my finger tips
Weve only just begun
im hypnotized by the light in your eyes
distracting me
as the silver rain cascades
down my window panes
into these eyes of mine
--
again im stuck in the same trap
high off several hits of you
breath me in or let me drown
its all i ask of you
my heart grows heavier each day
as i find myself more attatched
one of these youll see that
there aint no turning back
--
im dreaming about you again
chesnut eyes reflect in mine
a vision of me and you
wont you retire your old ways
wont you lie down now right next to me
and whisper sweet nothings
like we did before
when you were in love with me
all i want is all ive ever wanted
ambitions never change
wish youd let go, give up the past
ive always wanted you just the same
just some poetry ;-)
[xXx]
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 28 January :: 6.30pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: over: lindsay lohan
none really
ii havent updated in a while i guess...but fromn the looks of it, i dont think anyone really noticed lol.
midterms were this week...im quite glad that they r over...i also have gotten A's on every single one...i dont know where that came from. well...on to another semester...its gone by so fast and im still pretty unhappy. i guess things are getting better...maybe i just tell myself that to get through each day.
be thankful to have stayed in one place.
it would be nice to comment if you read this. please.
2 <3//s |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 28 January :: 5.58pm
All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
And I know you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down by old street
And if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
Just like you said you leave my life, I'm better off dead
All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
The drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
And like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead
But if you wanna show, just let me know
And now I'll sing in your ear again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But now I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Never coming down, Never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Never coming down, never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 28 January :: 4.03pm
what you dont understand is i dont love dad. why would i want to do something for someone who didnt ever want to do anything for me until you left? he never knew me or wanted to know me when we were growing up. i never did anything with him. i cant just suddenly love someone. i never did love him. kaitlin just always hogged you, so i would butter up dad just so someone would love me. and thats why kaitlin and i always fought. we fought for your attention. and when you left we both felt the same hurt. dads not genuwine he doesnt know me. hes never known me. he was never there, you were. and thats why this is so hard for me. because im stuck in this house with a complete stranger. and i will not tell him anything because he doesnt know me, i dont trust him. i trusted you. and then you just left. dad is self centered and complains all the time who the hell wants to do anything for someone who always complains at how the jobs done or when i tell him i got a 85 on my mid term rather than saying "great job" says "oh i was hoping youd get an a" what kind of parent says that? makes me feel not good enough i didnt do a good enough job for him. things like that make you not wanna try anymore. and yes i remember not speaking to you. when you tried to talk to us you told me that you were moving to florida for a couple months i didnt even know you and dad were getting a divorce. i figured youd be home again. and you never came. i didnt speak to you because i couldnt. because it hurt me to much. it made me angry i wasnt important enough to stay here for. i guess it is my fault you left. if i had been a better daughter, if i had told you i cared about you would you be here? you say come move down here, but i cant do that. i cant give up my friends. why cant you move here? my cant mel move with you if he means that much to you. if he loves you that much. dont you think hed do it for you. for me? i cant handle this much pain. and im sorry if i sound like im whining and complaining but this is how i feel. and i cant call you and tell you how i feel with dad on the fone cuz i dont want him to know. i dont like him hes not a good person. he doesnt like anything i do. he doesnt respect music, writing anything. hes a shallow minded person and i cant connect to someone like that.
i dont know what else to do or say.. i just dont wanna cry anymore...
the only reason i can write the way i do, is because i have so much pain i need to express...if it werent for writing i wouldnt be alive. i would have been in the hospital just like kaitlin. there wasnt a day that i didnt think about ending it all because the pain and deciet was all too much to handle. the relationship isnt all about money either, its just that dad really doesnt give me any money he bitches and moans when i ask for lunch money. i would appreciate it if you did send me money for lunch.. im sorry im such a weak person, and im sorry i cant handle this and im sorry im not the daughter you wanted to have. im sorry im not kaitlin who can hide her pain when she talks to you. i cant do that. i cant be anything else then what i am. and i cant help that i dont trust anyone with my emotions anymore.
i cant write anymore because i just keep crying and its friday i shouldnt be crying.
- amanda
1 <3// |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 26 January :: 11.35pm
im not having a great day..
well i trudged through the snow with lizzy and pat to jimmis and hung out with them and dana and got happy
but now here i sit in the worst mood ever
i dont want to talk to anyone i feel like everyone is fake that everyone is oing to lie to me
i dont know what my problem is
and i dont know what to do
somebody really likes me.. and i like them i just dont know if im ready for something that requires so much expected from me
im crazy...
Well, I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it,
and I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you,
but in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
underneath the guise of a smile.
Gradually, I'm dying inside.
Friends ask me how I feel,
and I lie convincingly,
'cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering,
so I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night,
and turn down all the lights,
and then I break down and cry
4 <3//s |
[xXx]
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Cocopuff
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2005 25 January :: 10.09pm
:: Music: Sublime- "Garden Grove"
hello...
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 20 January :: 10.43pm
im so excited im really finishing my basement!!!!!!!
i got to talk to joe tonight for llike 45 minutes im so happyi felt like i was never gonna see or talk to him again cuz it had been so long but im glad that he randomly thought of me and decided to call its been far too long
im looking for a site with cheap psychedelic tapestries if you know anywhere let me know
ill update later
3 <3//s |
[xXx]
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 20 January :: 7.53pm
:: Mood: silly
:: Music: boulevard of broken dreams.
blaaah
well i havent updated in a while cuz i havent had internet connection oh well! anyway...last monday was pretty much the best fun ive had in one day since i cant remember when. i met nikkie at her cheer practice then we went to her grandmas and i ate chicken salad and chips. then we went to virginias and walked around and saw a few people for a while in the coldness. then we went back to virginias house and looked at pictuires and listened to country (ahh) and i saw how nasty i looked at the semi lol with all the pictures. i dont why people dont tell me these things. well whatever lol... i guess ive changed?? idk....well we talked about how much things have changed since i left and how different our lives are... i hate going to natick cuz i just dont wanna leave... it reminds me of how happy i was and it makes me sad to think ill never really have it again.
well then we went to georges and met julie! yay! i havent seen her for so long. we ate the best pizza ive had in while and fries and then we got candy at jones drug...it was very fun....then we went to julies for a minute and a half lol and then hung out at nikkies for the rest of the time and i got picked up by my dad and finally got home at 9:30.
anyway...i had lots of fun and i love you guys... you are all i have left and your there when i need you. i wanna be there again...like it was befrore. i guess you can never have everything you want or be completely happy. i just wanna come close...
i hope i get to come to school with u guys in march tho that would be awesome...that will get me thru the next few months i guess.
i really miss you.
please comment.
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 19 January :: 11.35pm
How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ohoo
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
'Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
and that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do
and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've got to take, oh, oho
Just take a look at me now
2 <3//s |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 18 January :: 9.45pm
mom-
i cant stand dad. i really hate him and when i talk to my friends about it they dont believe that i hate him.. but i can honestly say that i hate him. you dont know how many times i just wished it was him that left me. because i know my life would have been completely unchanged. just because i am emailing you doesnt mean that im over this or am comfortable talking to you. its just that i have nobody here now that kaitlins gone. i just dont know what else i can do. im sick of feeling like this. im sick of crying all the time.. im sick of it all. this isnt how a teenage girl is supposed to be feeling. and i sit here now crying my eyes out blasting my music feeling like nobody knows me. you know why you leaving hurt so bad? because you always told me you never would. i never expected you to leave me. to leave us. to move to florida... when you know that mel would NEVER move to natick just to be with you. you cant possibly begin to fathom the amount of pain i feel and carry with me everyday. nobody can because i never show anybody. im always happy, on the outside. im pretty good at hiding how i feel so nobody ever puts me on the spot. so i never have a chance to let anybody down. i help people constantly because it makes me happy. if i cant make myself happy i might as well do something for everyone else.. i dont know what the hell the point of this email is just cnat keep this shit inside anymore. and im sick of living in this house with a total stranger with someone who was never there for me. i just wish that youd come back and im stupid for thinking you ever would because if your not here for me now when i need you. you never will be so i should just move on but the fact is i cant i cant get on with my life when all of this is whats dragging me down. im depressed all of the time. everyday i sit down and cry and write and just pray to god that tomorrow will be better.. and it never is it never will be and im getting tired of waiting for things to go my way..
im sick of this.
[xXx]
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