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xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 18 December :: 12.00pm
:: Mood: ok
:: Music: ...

...
i know i needed to update, i just have nothing to say.





comment please.

2 <3//s | [xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 16 December :: 7.46pm

i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i want to, i need to
but if i did you wouldnt even hear

to ride you's like a one way train
and when im with you my thoughts go insane
i just look at you and i know the truth
that i better get away.. today..

(chorus)
i gotta get out and make it on my own
i need to leave you before im left alone
its a game of who played who
i'm just wishing the winner wasnt you

i heard about some other girl in bed with you
i laughed it off and denied the proof
but i smelt her on you when you held me
and i tasted lies when you were kissing me

bury my heart in a 10 foot hole
theres only so much that your mind can control
but the indents in my heart will always remain
the vouture to this reoccuring pain

(chorus)

the scent of deceit is whisping through my hair
its veil is falling over everybody whos never there
im tired of trying if i only fall
im sick of loving when you dont love at all

i know i have to run before im consumed
but each time you kiss me i know that im doomed..
to be trapped forever in the grip of your stare
and that each night your with her.. ill be waiting there..

(chorus)

as the moonlight cascades down the strands of my hair
hold my hand and tell me you care
then run back to her like your somebodys pet
maybe someday youll realize what you havent yet

that somebody loves you for all that you are
and someone would reach to you no matter how far
that each breath they made every day
would be just for you what more can i say?

i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i tried to, i knew to
but you didnt even hear...







kiss me in moonlight
take me where the sun wont even shine...<3


well thats about all my creativity heres a poem of thoughts..

fate or free will?

today i caught myself difting into thought
as the smoke slowly cascaded over the crowded room
i felt as if this world could skip right over me
lost in thought and repeatition of time
as my heart beat matched the ticking of the clock
i stared into his eyes and the depth consumed me
driving through me like the blade of a knife
my nerves were rendered powerless
under the command of the thoughts in my head
i suddenly snapped into reality
does my heart not truly love? and only the brain?
are people alone for a reason? am i just insane
i dreamt to myself what love would feel like
whats the reason i am alive like i am
and who am i here to save? who is to die?
i argued myself like a skitzofranic freak
as i dodged my own questions in the mine feild of a room
am i making these choices which so greatly change my days
or do the stars hold my fate as i walk beneath them
can my future be told to me, read like book
or is the truth hidden inside where no man can look
is this soul of emotion going to waste
as i drag on my cigarette and practice for fame
do i contradict all the morals i preach?
if i were a teacher what would i teach?
is there a message that my life conveys?
or am i a loser with nothing to say
i ponder lifes questions words are drifting away
into the sky, the stars, the galaxy for no one to hear
i write this poetry in hopes of appathy and commiseration
when satan looks for sinners and god looks for innocence
my name will appear on both dotted lines
which will my mind and soul choose to sign?
my thoughts begin to swirl in a fit of rage
slamming my braincells like a punching bag
after self mutilation and drug deprivation
ive tempted myself well enough
the crystal endeavor held close to my lips
allows for an array of topics
a list of words upon a blank clean slate
and i slowly sink back into the realms of thought
the mirky waters consume what is left of my life
and as i drown myself in confusion
i am reminded of one thing...


wow.. thats fucking all me and all no thought...i just let my hands and mind flow.. niceeee

[xXx]


xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 15 December :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: 1985: bowling for soup

??
i have no more to say. i dont think any one reads this thing anymore.... my life feels so surreal. why the fuck am i in merrimack new hampshire? sometimes i cant believe it. and from the way people are acting...its like i was never in natick either, and i dont blame them. i dont matter anywhere. the feeling is so empty...its impossible to describe.

who knows, maybe tomorrow my opinion will change. every day is different here. and sometimes i hate waking up in the morning.

i dont know what i am going to do.

[xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 12 December :: 11.09pm

just when everything was making sense.
you took away all my self-confidence.
now all that i've been hearing must be true.
i guess i'm not the only boy for you.

[Chorus:]
but that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get

how could you turn us into this?
after you just taught me how to kiss you.
i told you i'd never say goodbye.
i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.

but that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
for trusting you.
that's what i get.

why does it come as a surprise.
to think that i was so naive.
maybe didn't mean too much.
but it meant everything to me.

2 <3//s | [xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 11 December :: 3.47pm


i realized that i need to feel needed.. i need to feel loved.. i need to feel like i have some purpose or else ill go insane.. ive found that i run back to the ones wholl take me.. so that i can feel like i belong.. i dont know whats wrong with me.. but i do need help.. im all fucked up.. and this christmas will be as miserable as the last..

and my sister.. the last family tie that i love.. is going to switzerland for college in less than 3 weeks..

theres nothing left for me here.. nothing left for me to take comfort in.. i just have friends, weed, poetry and art.. thats it.. thats all thats here for me.. ive given up on relationships.. ive given up on trust.. ive given up on my family.. ive almost given up on me..

i just wish that things would be easy... i wish that things could work themselves out on their own for once.. i wish that my singing would make me something.. that i will be appreciated.. i mean thats all that people who kill themselves want.. they want an escape from the pain.. they want people to realize that they needed them.. they want people to pay attention to the fact that theyre gone and you didnt get to tell them how you really felt.. i assure you ive thought about all of this more than twice.. sometimes i just laugh at myself for even thinking that my singing would take me anywhere.. its just a childhood dream..

im pathetic.. and self concious just waiting to be needed.. and waiting to open myself up to anyone whose willing to give me a chance.. im used to being hurt.. im used to be let down.. thats what you get when your me.. constant dissapointment.. constant stiving for more that you will never reach.. thats what its like to be me.. to want to be something you could never be.. thats me..

- amanda

4 <3//s | [xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 9 December :: 7.00am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: we might as well be strangers

im still at lizzys since my daddy ruptured his disc.. it doesnt feel like this has been a week that i had school.. i went to the concert monday and have been sleeping here all week.. lol its funny well woohu just got changed i guess and im not sure if i liek this set up.. its kinda uglty and just like live journal and all of them i liked woohu cuz it was different and easy to use.. but i guess goodbye to that :(

i hung around with pat lizzy tom and jimmy yesterday and then went to jimmy l's house and then dana came.. hadnt hung out with them in a while...

well i gotta get going to school so ill make a real update later when i get home

- manda

[xXx]


xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 8 December :: 8.28pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: toy soldiers: eminem

uhm....
well i guess i really needed to update....lol.

today i had a crappy day at school, it was block day and those always suck...ha. im putting together sketchbook of a bucnh of drawings, it has like 150 pages and ive done 6 drawings of celebrities so far...it will be cool when its all filled. yeah...interesting i know.

werll afterschool was much more fun, me and michelle worked very hard on our bio project lol. we spent about 20 mins total on that part, then we hung out in her room, then ate then sat aorund the computer...and then took a bunch of random pictures. i had lotsa fun it brought back memories of the older days i guess.

anyway, im really excited for christmas, i actually could afford a couple decent presents for a few people.

i cant believe how much things have changed in the past months. i couldnt even picture me moving to new hampshire, and im hereand its not as bad as i thought it would be. moving was the hardest thing ive had to do in as long as i can remember. but maybe...ill be really happy here.

you really never know....

[xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 5 December :: 10.23am

so yesterday i went out with michael ej and jimmy and then stephy came and she makes me laugh i love her then she drove me to the damn play and i sat through it :-\ then i went to my loves for a few and watched some weird movie lol it was creepy..

well im about to get some food just figured id catch up on my entries...

ps. i got in a fight with my dad and told him i hated susan.. and i really wish both of them would die because im not happy.. not one bit..

2 <3//s | [xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 2 December :: 5.33pm

well i guess im an idiot for leaving this thing open for peoples eyes to see.. my dads a fucking fagget and read it.. what the hell right does he have to read my personal journal? just because its online doesnt mean its not personal i mean i dont care if ppl read it cuz whatever i have it for people to understand me.. which i doubt anyone does.. but he.. he has no right i absolutely loathe him and wish i could keep my *sang froid* but i cant i just wish that he would die and i wish my mom could come home.. thats all i want for christmas..

just to be happy..

but we all know wishes never come true..

[xXx]


silentcriez

:: 2004 30 November :: 10.37pm

randomly feeling depressed...

a million whispers left unspoken
a million word left unsaid
a thousand ways to feel so used
lying naked in his bed

i refuse to be the one to wait
and waste my thoughts on you
i lie to myself like its just a game
but ive always known the truth

ill fool the world around me
pretending its only a crush
but when im around you my lips start to shake
the feeling is almost to much

its too much to handle all in one night
but ill soon be numb to the pain
ill follow this path til the road goes unpaved
and my sanity is slowly drifting away

ill trick myself into pretending im right
and ill never admit to these sins
hiding them deep inside of me
once one ends another begins

silence can never be broken
it wont shatter under your attack
ill never give up, you wont knock me down
ill be left with only a scratch

a mark to show that youve been there
and broken what is left of me
i just want to like that person
that reflection in the mirror i see

despondancy runs in my veins now
thicker and colder than before
im told to move on to get better
but i only wonder what for

the dust is settling on my bookshelf
where pictures of you and i lay
but a memory is not near to reality
so in my dreams youll stay

ill break myself down on the inside
for you, so you can like what you see
i wont give this up i wont let you down
ill fight me like a disease

bleed open for you and show you all i am
like the others who have broke me before
so after tonight ill know that its over
after one step.. and the close of the door..

[xXx]

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