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allyson

:: 2012 19 May :: 11.21pm

I'm cheating on you!

2 comment? | ......


allyson

:: 2012 21 April :: 5.48pm

2nd time away from home
Well, the baby is with Grandma and Grandpa O. She is probably having a blast.. but I'm kinda sad.. and lonely. hahaha. figures.

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rayray

:: 2012 29 February :: 3.13pm

Its been almost 2 month since Darielle has been over. She has barely said anything to Mike. I only saw her long enough to drop money of to her at school (for her mom because she forgot to give it to her before school and her mom was in the hospital having surgery) and tell her I deserve an apology. Mike saw her long enough to pick her up from school and take her home because her mom was at one of the other kids sporting events. She has asked Mike to bring her food at school and he probably would have if I hadn't been home. She told him her trip money was due in March and he told her that her attitude adjustment and better grades were due a long time ago.

I feel guilty because she hates me so that is ruining her relationship with Mike and Reagan. And it breaks my heart that she hasn't even asked about Reagan. It probably makes me seem really petty that I am really upset and hurt that she never says one thing about Reagan on facebook and on the rare occasion she has, she deletes it before too many people see it. Yet she posts tons of things about her nieces and nephews.

I can't help but think she is ashamed of Reagan and hates her or resents her. What the hell am I supposed to say to Reagan when she is older and asks where her sister is? I'm not going to lie to her but I definitely dont want to break her heart.

I want to punch someone in the face.

10 comment? | ......


skife

:: 2012 27 February :: 7.08am

I'm sitting here on my bed.... wearing socks....

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rayray

:: 2012 19 February :: 8.28pm

I will no longer have a relationship with my mother.
I have had all I can take.
Apparently I am the only one of her kids who didn't turn out..

Fuck her. She can't even come over to see her granddaughter. She drops Reagan's gifts off at my sisters, and sends me a text telling me i can go pick them up. Really? That's fucking ridiculous.

I have turned out better than I should have considering she was my influence.

I am DONE!

6 comment? | ......


rayray

:: 2012 17 January :: 3.02pm

I have been trying to find a way to vent without feeling guilty and like a total bitch when I am done. I think I have finally realized that it's not possible for me to do that, and I guess I don't really care too much about those feelings anymore. I will have to deal with them.

I have been struggling to have some kind of civil relationship with Mike's daughter for the last 4ish years. One day, she just decided she didn't want to listen to me anymore, and felt that I can't tell her what to do or anything. At first it caused Mike and I to argue, a lot. He thought I was being mean, or that I didn't know what I was talking about. It took awhile for him to finally see that she really doesn't listen to me, and completely ignores my existence. I thought it was getting better, but I was wrong. Now, she absolutely hates me. She won't admit it to me, or Mike, but we all know. I am not trying to be her parent, because I know she doesn't want me to. But I am not going to sit back and watch her let her grades fall, or see her curse like a sailor on Facebook. So I say stuff to her about it. I am not mean about it, but I am direct, and I come off as a concerned elder, not a parent. However, she see's it differently, and completely disrespects me. The other day, I finally had enough, and I ratted her out to her dad. Because of course she deleted the conversation on her status, so that I didn't have any proof. It really got to me, that she was that disrespectful to me. Well Mike was instantly pissed about it, and let her have it. He took my side and told her that she needed to respect me. A lot of things were said in their conversation. But summary version, I am a bitch and I act like a two year old, and don't deserve respect. And Mike told her not to ask for another damn thing until she learns to respect me, and apologizes.. Now, she won't talk to him. He tells her every night before he starts work, "Good night, I love you". (He sends her and I a text every night telling us that). And she won't respond, if she does, all she says is "night".

I feel horrible that their relationship is shitty. I feel like it's my fault, but at the same time I am happy because they need to learn that he needs to have the upper hand and discipline her, and that she can't get away with everything. I also feel bad, because Reagan loves her, and because she is mad at us, she won't come over for at least a month.. So Reagan is suffering because of that. I want to say something to her, but I don't know how to do it without making things worse..

5 comment? | ......


allyson

:: 2012 15 January :: 10.53pm

Two things,
I'm apparently not who I wanted to be or though I was
And two
I wanna ride tanner.
And ride with him.

1 comment? | ......


allyson

:: 2012 6 January :: 11.04pm

Woke up early with the girls but at least callie was happy! Autumn went directly downstairs and stayed down.mainly because I had to start diapers. Callie and I came back up to make breakfast. We had scrambled eggs and toast. After callie finished I let her get down while I finished my grocery list for next week. Mean while I hear what sounds like glass and then tin foil rustling. Upon further investigation I see that she has gotten into the candy jar (glass with metal top) and stolen a christmas peanut butter cup, fully un wrapped it including the paper (rustling tin foil). I figured if she did all the work she might as well get to eat it. So I took pictures instead! After that she brought me yogurt melts because apparently 1.5 eggs and a piece if toast was not enough.
Finally autumn realized she was hungry and came upstairs. I was on the phone with grandma and after that I gave autumn cereal and started the bath. We then went up and woke daddy up. We came down for a snack. And then played around for a little while. We had lunch and then went for a walk. We came back and callie fell asleep on the changing table. Autumn went downstairs to watch phineas and ferb while I called around for my lab order. Daddy and callie woke up at around 245. We had fruit snacks. Then Daddy and autumn went to the lab for me and were back by 330. We play on the floor and played in the living room for a while. Then we all got hungry so we put in pizza. We eat and then have cookies for dessert. We cuddle on the couch and watch kung fu panda! Hanging out on the living room floor and then go to bed. Great night.

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rayray

:: 2012 3 January :: 10.24am

I have actually been enjoying Mike being home for the past week. He has helped with Reagan a ton. And he drives me everywhere I have to go. Not to mention we've gotten stuff done around the house. Definitely needed this and I'm not ready for him to go back to work.

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rayray

:: 2011 26 December :: 3.09pm

As usual my mom has to be herself.
She made dinner for us at my sisters, because my sister has a dishwasher. Well, needless to say she left the mess for us to clean up. She took all the meat for fajitas, and left all the rest of the stuff. She wouldn't even join all of us in the living room. She sat in a chair behind the couch so that she could escape outside to go smoke as frequently as she wanted. Seriously, every time we turned around she was outside.

After she left my sister asked my brother and I if we ever remember our dad hitting mom.. Uhm, no. Apparently she was at her "boyfriends" house and was telling my brother in law that our dad used to beat her and of course we will all deny it.. Uh hello, he NEVER hit her. She is pathetic. She seriously has to come up with the stupidest shit for an excuse for why they got divorced.

So I believe next year we are just going to get together for Christmas and not invite her.

4 comment? | ......


skife

:: 2011 19 December :: 6.22pm
:: Mood: pissed off

If you bring my child to me one more time without a fucking coat i'm going to clobber you, its fucking winter time... its cold out, you're wearing a coat, why does he have to suffer!?

5 comment? | ......


skife

:: 2011 19 December :: 5.27pm

I can't handle being me anymore...

2 comment? | ......


rayray

:: 2011 18 December :: 4.48pm

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.
About how much I miss my Grandparents and wish they were here to see Reagan and my nephews grow up. It breaks my heart that they aren't physically here and have missed a lot that has happened in my life. I know they are proud of me, and are watching over me, but its not the same as sharing the moments with them, and hearing them tell me.
I have been thinking a lot about Mike's family. Mainly his brother. His brother has spent the last 3 years in prison. He missed their moms funeral, so he never got to say goodbye. He doesn't know that he has a niece that is a year old. He hasn't seen his son in years. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for him because he put himself in prison, but I do feel bad. He called Mike today to let him know how he was doing, and that he was out of prison. Before he got off the phone he told Mike to tell Darielle he said hi, and then told him he loved him. Mike said I love you back, and I was shocked. I commented about it, and he told me that he did love his brother and that he got the raw end of the deal growing up. That if he hadnt been raised by their mom then he would have turned out better. I said what about your sister? And he told me that he doesn't love his sister. She had a fair chance at life and she chose to screw it up. I guess it is what it is. His family is jacked up, and they barely know my daughter. But I do not want her to know the half of what they are about, so I guess I am going to protect her for as long as I can.
I have been thinking about my life, my relationship. I don't have a perfect relationship by any means. But I don't have a crumbling relationship either. We fight, say things we shouldn't, but we never stay mad. And I am grateful for that. I hate that I live in a trailer, and it depresses me. We struggle for money, and that really gets to both of us. But it makes more sense for me to stay home than it does for me to go back to work.

A lot of my friends have been struggling with deaths, health issues, break ups, and so on. I wish I could take all their pain away and make them feel better. Some of them I wish I could smack in the face and tell them that they need to pull their head out of their ass..

I don't hang out with a lot of people anymore. Social contact is hard for me. People piss me off and I don't want to deal with it.

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skife

:: 2011 18 December :: 2.17am

dear back problems, please go far far away.

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rayray

:: 2011 11 December :: 10.16pm

I need to vent, while my child is screaming it out by herself.
At my house, its not considered "cry it out".. It's screaming it out, or being murdered. She has a set of lungs, and doesn't let up. Like at all. Ever. She doesn't know how to self soothe. She screams bloody murder, and would go on for HOURS and probably days if I let her. She is stubborn. I'm scared she's going to choke on all the saliva/snot she makes from all the screaming, or when she gets to the point where she throws up. Luckily, she always seems to throw up on the floor and not in her bed or all over herself.

From January to November, once she was asleep at night, she wouldn't wake up til about 8ish.. Once in awhile it would be a little early, and then it started getting later.. And I had her going to sleep in her own bed, on her own. Since the time change/her first birthday, she was waking up between 6 and 7.. Once I got her to sleep til 8 or later, she has been waking up a million times during the night. When she is in her crib, awake, she screams bloody murder like she is being attacked. She could be dead asleep, and the second she touches the mattress in her bed, she is screaming so bad, her body stiffens right out.

I can't seem to win. And now Mike is on 3rd shift, so I have to get her to sleep before he goes to work, otherwise it'll be 10 times harder to get her to go to sleep..

So far, she has been screaming for 12 minutes, and Tyson keeps whining and barking like he needs to go protect her.

I feel like a bad mom for complaining about my child, but I miss sleep. Good sleep, where I don't wake up a million times, or in pain from having to make room for everyone else and sleeping all funky.

22 minutes later, she is still screaming, but not nearly like she was.. And a half an hour ago, she was passed out in my bed and had been sleeping since 9..

6 comment? | ......

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