For the last 9 months, I thought that my whole life had changed when I found out I was pregnant on March 7th.
Clearly I was wrong.
On June 16th, when I found out I was having a baby girl, and cried because I was scared she was going to be just like me, an emotional wreck her whole life, and blame her mom for everything, I thought my whole world had changed.
But again, I was wrong.
It wasn't until November 8th, that my whole life had changed. This time I wasn't wrong.
Welcoming my baby girl into this world, was the most amazing thing.
It is so unbelievably amazing how you think your life can be complete with everything you have in it, until you have a child. Then you know your life is complete.
Part of me believes that I could go the rest of my life without accomplishing another thing, and be okay, because I know that I have created a life, that will keep me going.
I can't wait to watch her grow up.
I am terrified that she will resent me the way I resent my mom.
I am absolutely terrified I will turn out to be like my mom.
But I know that if I do the best I can, and do everything I can not to be like her, I will be okay.
So, I've concluded that watching Medical Miracles or whatever the name of the show is on Discovery Health, is not condusive to a good nights sleep..
There was a woman who was pregnant, but they kept telling her that it was just a cyst.. Well, after 9 months, she indeed had a child. However, that baby had a mass in its stomach that was an 18 week old fetus. It had a head, legs, and arms, with fingers and toes..
Trying to sleep with that in your head, is not easy.. And doesn't help when you already have strange dreams..
"A small controversy has risen, after a report that President Obama would not be attending a traditional Memorial Day ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery. Instead, Obama will spend the holiday with his family in Chicago.
Traditionally, presidents would lay a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Solider. Some conservative groups are angered by the move.
"Obama will however make it back to Washington in time next week to honor Paul McCartney, who has sacrificed so much for the freedoms we enjoy," seethes conservative commenter Michelle Malkin."
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2010 19 May :: 1.58pm
:: Music: Life After You - Daughtry
I used to think that I was going to be one of those people that lived alone with 50 million cats and grew old by myself.
Apparently, someone else had a different plan for me.
I never imagined myself being pregnant. Always swore it off and said it wasn't going to happen.
And no, I am not that girl that says "OMG! How did this happen?"
But something about being pregnant has changed me, other than the obvious things.
My outlook on life hasn't really changed, yet.
I still think the world is cruel, people are selfish, and I am more scared to raise a child in this world than I am to live the rest of my life in it.
I had to work my way up to taking a pregnancy test.
I was scared for the result, I had my hopes up for both possible answers.
Part of me knew what the test was going to say, but a piece of me doubted it.
Then for the next few weeks, it didn't seem real to me at all.
The only thing different in my life, was that I hadn't had a period and I didn't crave mountain dew.
At my 11 week appointment, the situation changed. I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and my hear grew a million sizes.
I knew it was real, but it still didn't feel real.
Since then, I have had cravings, ripped the ass out of my favorite jeans, cried an immense amount of tears about my pants not fitting, and grown out of all of my bra's in a weeks time.
I am becoming more annoyed with people, and have been having dreams that make it seem like I am smoking crack before I go to bed.
I had my 15 week appointment today.
I heard the heartbeat again, had blood drawn to test the baby for certain things, and scheduled my ultrasound.
Now things are becoming even more real.
I cannot wait to meet this little nugget.
I joke about my fears of ginormous ears, and reddish hair.
Now my BIGGEST fears are, that my child will hate me, be as shallow, selfish, emotional, and messed up as me.
I HOPE that my child is as athletic as his/her dad, as smart/funny as me, but knows that it has a HUGE family from both sides that will love him/her unconditionally no matter what.
I know I can't be a perfect parent, but I just want to be a good one.
I want my kid to understand that it's not always what you have in life that counts.
I seriously wish naming a child was as easy as naming a dog.
I also seriously think that if I have a boy, he will end up named after a fighter from UFC..
Any suggestions?
They say things happen for a reason, but why do bad things happen to good people?
I am excited about being pregnant.
I was even more excited that I was going to have someone to share my pregnancy with, and was even more excited that, that person was going to be my sister.
I wanted to have that bond with her, and have a child the same age as hers.
That way even though they weren't siblings, my child would still have a cousin the same age to grow up with. Someone close in age with him/her, like I didn't really have.
However, God had a different plan.
My sister had a miscarriage yesterday morning.
She is completely heartbroken, and I want to do everything I can to take away her pain.
I don't know how to console her, or help her through this, and that hurts me.
Reading her blog about the events that took place yesterday tore me apart inside.
It has been a half an hour since I read it, and I still have not managed to find a way to stop my own tears.
There are so many emotions that I have running through me right now, that I don't even know where to begin to try and seperate them, and work through them.
I just really wish I could be there with her and help her through this..
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2010 16 February :: 6.57pm
:: Music: Life After You - Daughtry
Life.. it happens whether we want it to or not..
I feel like I have hit a stand still in my life.
I don't feel like I am moving forward or backward.
I am completely happy with everything that has happened.
I love my life, just feel like it's too straight and narrow.
I hate my job; getting up at the same time, leaving at the same time, doing the same thing everyday, and seeing the same people.
I hate the repitition.
I understand that no matter what job I will end up doing, I will be doing the same thing over and over.
But after 2 years, I need a new scene. I need a different atmosphere.
I need to be able to go to work, and know that I'm not going to get into an argument with my boss over something petty.
I need a drastic change on the job front, like yesterday.
Something where I will see different people everyday.
I might be able to handle getting up at the same time, and leaving at the same time, if i had a different atmosphere to go to, and enjoy.
Having my nights to myself is lonely, and although I should be filling it with my homework, I don't.
I don't have the ambition to do my homework, because I am too caught up in being exhausted from work, and thinking about how I am just going to be going home to an empty, well almost empty house.
All the cool kids are doing it..
Has a hate list of her own today..
I hate that I have to be mean to get anywhere with morons that have better jobs than me.
I hate that I suck as a friend.
I hate that I don't realize that some things have boundaries, until its too late.
I hate that there isn't anything I can do in certain situations.
I hate that my boyfriend is back on second shift.
I hate that I have no ambition to do the ass load of homework that I have piled up on my desk.
I hate that I hate so many things.
