Chicago Trip dealy
j0,
Chicago trip dealy was good. I had to wake up too damn early in the morning than i could hardly handle (at least i was too tired to snarl at anyone, poor mum...i always snarl at her) went on bus after being picked up by Jackie-chan, watched Spirited Away...then went to the Field Museum.

I hate having panick attacks, i REALLY do...ya see, i have this MAJOR phobia of mummies, i blame mum and andy and grandma fer that. I saw my 1st mummy in 4th grade, and wasn't too happy that it looked nothing like the cute things wrapped in white cloth that i'd always imagined. They wanted to stay in the damn exhibit for an hour, i wanted to run out...so i ended up trying not to look at it for nearly an hour...

So anywho, i had a panick attack in the museum, hadn't had one for over a year, so of course it frightened me. I clung to Ray and wouldn't move, and i had tears running down my cheeks (only a little bit, enough to wipe of in one wipe), shivering, shuddering, and whimpering "please don't make me go in there" in my ed-like way. Thankfully, we didn't go in the exhibit...and i'm hopin' i don't have another attack for awhile...

So we walked around the museum, they gave us like 3 hours and it was boring after and hour and a half...we boarded the bus, pigged, then headed for the Art Museum.

The museum was fine, no wrapped up decaying bodies anywhere in sight, but poor Rachel got a bit freaked at the Himalayan exhibit, so we moved to modern art. There was this one dark room where they kept on playing this video of a tightrop walker walking over the ocean...waves were crashing against the shore in a lulling sound...so Rachel and i fell asleep...

Nothing much else happened except for the fact that i kinda used Kyle as a pillow on the ride back cuz i was so damn tired...

Well, that's my spiel!!!! Ed liebt euch!!!

Etoile stared blearily as more amber liquid filled her cup to the brim; she fought the urge to puke and threw the cup back, draining the contents in a single gulp. It was her twenty-first birthday and she was already drunk, and she’d only had two pints! Women in her family definitely couldn’t handle alcohol, and this wasn’t her first time tasting it either.

Etoile had grown up in a very conservative, Swiss-American family, complete with a war veteran grandfather and a Latin-speaking great-grandmother. She’d never been allowed to date, or even talk about boys at the family table. Instead, she was forced to talk about school subjects and the prospect of marrying someone from Switzerland or of European descent. High school was hell, literally. As Etoile couldn’t even talk to boys, the popular girls, who teased her constantly about her long hair and strange accent, made her life miserable. She resented school and longed to become an artist, so she wouldn’t have to focus on any of the dreaded subjects, math and science, for guidance in a career she would never pursue. Her family wanted to her to go into accounting, “family business” they called it. Etoile had other plans, as soon as she got to college she signed up for majors in art, all in art. Art was a way of life for her; it was what she escaped with on those rainy days when she wasn’t allowed outside, or those weekends when she wasn’t allowed to go out to the movies with friends. Being in a family of European descent, Etoile was allowed to drink alcohol at family events and dinners, but had never had the courage to drink more than what she was allowed to have.

She shrugged when her friend, Aeric, asked her if she was ok, if she needed to lie down.
“This is for all those times when I wasn’t allowed to be myself!!!” she shouted as she gulped down a shot of liquor. Her friend looked worried, she loved it when he looked like that. Wiggling her eyebrows at him suggestively, she got up from her chair, wobbling as she did so, and walked over to the door of the bar. Aeric followed, grabbing their jackets and throwing a wad of bills at the bartender.
“Keep the change!” he shouted as he exited the door, looking through the haze of fog to try and find Etoile. He found her sitting on the side of the road, arms close around her as she shivered and thought dimly about the coat she had left in the bar. Suddenly her coat found its way around her arms, she blinked glassy eyes up at Aeric as he gently helped her put her coat on.
“Thanks,” she whispered as he helped her up and they started walking in the direction of her apartment. She yawned and fished for her key, fingers trembling from the effects of the alcohol, when they reached her door. The interior was sparse, except for a futon and television set in the main room, artwork decorating the blank white walls. Etoile’s bedroom was small, only a futon on the ground and an alarm clock next to it. She smiled gratefully to Aeric and collapsed on her bed, thankful to be home at last.
“There’s a spare futon in the next room,” she heard herself mumble, “just remember find some sheets, they’re in the closet to your right on the way to the kitchen.”
Then she drifted off to sleep.

Swoosh!!!!!
PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


NIGHT CRAWLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(he's mine)


GEHEN SIE AUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

awwwwwww!!!!!!!


sometimes i just wanna kiss him...











oh, ich bin allein...doch allein...spiel mit mir bitte!!!!!!!!! spiel mit mir!!!!!!!! spiel mit mir weil ich war allein!!!!!!!!

moo!!!!!!!!!!!!
j0,
Ed's back already, andy's band dealy starts at 7:30 or sommat, and ed didn't want to go back into the auditorium for the day, the memory of the pig speaking this morning was too fresh on the mind...

Ed's in a playful mood right now, so come over and play!!!!!!! Ed wants to play!!!!!!! *is showing her playful side right now* So if you wanna come over, then call cuz ed ain't gonna be on-on much longerishness, if you don't have ed's phone # then look it up in the phone book, if you don't know ed's last name then first ed'll laught at you, then you will call up one of ed's friends and ask them what ed's last name is...

COME ON OVER AND PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^
<(^^<)<(^^)>(>^^<)(>^^)>

Dear Die-ary,
j0!!! ed's in a rather good mood today...well, it's better than bein' unfeely ^_^

w00t!!!!! l
Hmm...ed's gotta go to her brother's band dealy tonight, she was gonna go to angel bob's, but angel bob is still krank so ed wants her to get her rest. Ed also found out that the Matrix is actually rated R *giggles* and fer sci-fi violence *ed loves violence and action!!!!* and language, which isn't that bad. Tho now ed's mum is havin' some regrets of letting ed watch the Matrix, which ed is obsessed w/ now...*guilty look*

So, who's gonna see the new X-Men movie??? Ed's most DEFINITELY gonna go, she just needs $$ and a ride to the nearest theatre...

5\/\/005l-l!!! \/\/3LL, 7l-l17'5 3l)'5 5P13L!!!!!! 3l) L1387 3l_l(l-l!!!!!!

(and for kyle...) 3l) 15 l<0\/\/l\l 45 3l)\/\/4Rl) \/\/0l\l9 l-ll_l4 P3P3Ll_l 71VRl_l5l

purple monkey syndrome
Dear Die-ary,
aboot 15 minutes ago mum came down here ( the basement) and yelled at me, telling me to help her find her mother f-ing umbrella (she didn't curse, i just added it for effect)...so i searched the whole damn hause, her too...she made me look in my room, which looks like sommat blew up in there (it wasn't me i swear!)...she keeps on thinking that I took her stupid umbrella in the fall...keeps on saying she'll never let me or andy borrow it again...bloody hell!!!!! like i'd ever WANT to use an umbrella!!!!!!
So then she yells at me to get changed, because i was gonna go w/ her and get a new umbrella, i said no, got yelled at for that, went down to the main floor, told her that she was ALWAYS blaming me and that insulted me muchly...i walked over to the door, she yelled at me to change my clothes (i was tempted to flick her off) and threatened that she wouldn't come home if i didn't come w/ her, so i went over and got some pants and took off the sweats i was wearing and yanked 'em on...went over to the door, opened it...and she was gone...
i'm worried, sad, and unfeely...i called dad and told him what had happened (abridged cuz it was his voice mail) and now i'm drowning my sorrows in grape juice cuz we don't have any liquor (i wouldn't drink any o' that stuff anyways) or ice cream...
some one save me from my house, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf
What's the matter
why are you looking at me
as if i were different?
Do you see the wolf inside?

The wolf has a hold
of my emotions
so sometimes i
can't feel
can't cry
can't smile.
Be afraid little girl
because the wolf could
eat you up too.

Mother, what big ears you have!
All the better to hear the sounds of
your dying breaths with my dear.

Mother, what big eyes you have!
All the better to watch
you struggle with my dear.

Mother, what big claws you have!
All the better to
strangle you with my dear.

Mother, what big teeth you have!
All the better to
eat you with my dear.

And then
the wolf ate up
little red riding hood.

Hola y'all!! Ed'sa job shadowiin' taday!!!!! First she's at her dad's work, makin' faces at the boy who's job shadowing him (chad from church, he's like a brother so ed's allowed to annoy him) and then aroun 10 she's goin' to a shop on 28th street and seein' someone she hasn't seen for many moons...

The trigun ed taped on monday is REALLY good, not to mention the cowboy bebop is ed's favourite episode!!!! So ed'll be coughiin' up the VHS to rachel so she can see the wonderfulness of Edward Wond Hua Pepelu Tivrusky the 4th!!! w00t!!!!!!!

Tschüs!!! Ed liebt euch!!!!!!!

P.5. 3l) 15 574R1l\l9 47 7l-l3 (l_l70l_l7 0F Y0l)4 R19l-l7 l\l0\/\/!!!!5\/\/005l-l!!!!!!

i finally cried today, while driving home from church today. It felt so good to finally get all the stocked up tears out, but it stopped as soon as it started, and i'm back to being numb...

Perhaps i should explain, this whole year i've been feeling left out and not welcome at youth group...Amanda and Brit just keep me out, and it hurts me real deep because we (the youth group) are supposed to be like a family, and if my own church family doesn't welcome me in anymore, what'll i do?

Today was the final straw, i felt like a ghost, only talked to when called on to try to interpret a passage in Phillipians and when looking at Amanda's prom pictures...i felt so...alone...hurt...then i went into nonfeely mode...i didn't care that much anymore...

I'd shared almost all that was going on in my life last year to Amanda and Brit, it was them i went to when i found out that Derick was gay...and they don't give a damn anymore...i don't want to go to youth group anymore...dad and mum are making me, telling me that if i don't go one time, i won't go at all...i don't care...i just want someone to talk to and hang out w/ and be a friend w/ at church, but there's no one there for me...

Why do you
treat me this way?
Look at me
as if i were
a freak.

Sticks and stone
break my bones
but words and actions
tear my soul
in two.

Just because i
dress different
act different
speak different
see different
doesn't mean i
don't have a heart
as well.

What did i do
to make you turn away
from me?
Ignore my pain
sneer at my
unshed tears.

I will never look
at you the same
you who
hurt me more
than anyone else
could.
You are no longer friends
that i used to laugh with
but bitter
cruel people
who enjoy
making my life
miserable.

Don't look away
this is your own
doing.
You turned me
into a beast
a wolf.
Not caring
about my precious emotions
not caring
that sometimes i cannot
feel
that i could not cry
until now.

Stand and take
the punishment
you deserve
for splitting me into two
and stepping
all over me
when i needed you
the most.

From this day forward
we are not friends
but bitter enemies
foes until the end of
our days.

Are you happy
that this is what you
recieve in the end?

Too bad,
i don't care
anymore.

I'll be typing up my FHC (familial hypercholesterolemia) paper dealy today, then maybe i'll go and be in the woods by valley view, my kingdom, my realm...the place where i can think and be whatever i want to be...
Please...someone come and help me...rip the hearts out of the bastards who ripped my heart out...and stomped on it...i can't take it anymore...i can't take it anymore...good lord, i need chocolate...

moo
jo,
i finished both the GTO and the Chobits...both are really good...i'll bring 'em on monday, but 3 guesses who gets ta read GTO first!

Jessie (the one from grandville, the faraway place i can never visit it seems), if you're there, i'm worried aboot you hun. I haven't heard from you all week...i miss you, my big/little sistah...w/o you i feel even more blank sometimes...please call or sommat!!!!!

W00t!!!!! On monday night Cowboy Bebop will be running ed's favourite episode: Jammming w/ Edward!!!!!!!!!!!!!! w00t!!!!!!!!

Ed liebt euch!!

Oh good moo...
Dear Die-ary,
Apparently, Charlie and Jessie came over to me hause and stole a house key that was in my front door...and that's not good, partially cuz that was Andy's copy of our hause key, and i don't really like the fact that charlie could get into me hause anytime he wants to...*frowns* plus mum would have my head fer supper if she finds out...if...

So...the doggys came and sniffed at lockers and cars today!!!!! It was rather funny, my class was supposed to go to the bibliotech, but the fat security guard wouldn't let us go...and we were bloody only a little ways from it!!!!! Not on the other side 'o the skoo!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmmm...my hands are cold...i need handwarmers...too bad they only come in the boyfriend package...

He was staring at me today…it was disconcerting…but I kinda liked the feeling of his eyes looking at me…if only I was brave enough to look back…ich bin ein Huhn…ein grosses Huhn…
if only i knew how to put this in italics...good moo...

Dear Die-ary,
Ack! Me mum drugged me!!!! J/K, mum gave me meds fer my unknown allergy that just started happening this spring (i hate allergies *sneezes*) and she gave me the pill that i should take at night because it makes the person who takes it really sleepy...which is why i nearly fell asleep in Biology (after the test, dun worry), look stoned in choir, and start to finally wake up in german. I love german...it's my fave class...
Today was thankfully a feely day, tho i was sleepy at first *glares at the unsuspecting mum* feh, and then i had art club. I had fun muchly dribbling wax all over the wine glass i was pouring wax into to make a pretty candle...i wanna make another!!!!!!
damn sun, it's in me eyes and makin' me not able to read the stupid computer's screen...i love laptops, but i hate it when you're sitting in a chair by a window, a window that currently has the sun in it...feh.

Rain
i don't feel a thing
and i stopped remembering
the days are just like moments turned to hours

mother used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
bet mother never danced through fire shower

walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
i walk in the rain, in the rain
is it right, or is it wrong
and is it here that i belong

i don't hear a sound
silent faces in the ground
the quiet screams, but i refused to listen

if there is a hell
i'm sure this is how it smells
wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't

walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
i walk in the rain, in the rain
am i right, or am i wrong
and is it here that i belong

walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
i walk in the rain, in the rain
why do i feel so alone
for some reason i think of home
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i love that song, it's from cowboy bebop
Yoko Kanno does the keyboards, Steve Conte does the vocals, Keishi Urata is the synthesizer manipulator, Tsuneo Imahori does the gui-tar, and Hitoshi Watanabe is the e.bass
i love anything by Yoko Kanno...