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the wandering thoughts of a mind without soul

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Shoe23

:: 2003 11 December :: 10.10am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Evanescence

Going Under
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming Deceiving and Bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and Stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowing in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under

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Shoe23

:: 2003 10 December :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

hmph....Im sorry Bryan....
I didnt mean to cause you harm in your fastly moving automobile.

Damn, Ellen's dog has no special powers either. I am awaiting the day I meet a special dog. One that lifts weights or something. One day... that dog will come. Until then, I will stick with my gay weiner dogs. Their attraction to each other sickens me greatly.

I dont know what to do to my car, I have no one that cares about it... so I dont know what to do. My indecisiveness takes over again. Damn me.

No fucking school tomorrow either... god damn... I want to go to FUCKING SCHOOL.... agh... I have nothing to do, no one I like lives close... at all...Amber lives on a gravel road, Ellen is like down the worst road ever, Bryan is 150 miles away... FUCK

...thanks to Ellen, I love this song... Guernica - Brand New... yes.... good song.

....is this the way a toy feels, when its batteries run dry...

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Shoe23

:: 2003 10 December :: 4.55pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Good Charlotte

the video to this song is really sad... see it if possible... made me think, un normally.

Hold On


This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear


But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through


Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know


Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more


But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through


Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on


What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?


Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on

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Shoe23

:: 2003 9 December :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: 12 Stones - The Way I Feel

he....

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Shoe23

:: 2003 9 December :: 4.59pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: The Used - Maybe Memories

he....

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Shoe23

:: 2003 8 December :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Stone Sour

Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on...
I'll never live down my deceit

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Shoe23

:: 2003 7 December :: 9.49pm
:: Mood: blah

just releasing some steam...
here I go... again.

Is it wrong that I fought against all I have inside until I could fight no more? Wrong I dont want my past? I may have one thing deep inside but I try to be another.

I am just a shell with nothing left inside. What do you want? What more can I do?
Enough hypocrisy, time for fucking reality. What it all boils down to is very bad news.

This is my blood, maybe you should touch it, it should tell you things, no one else knows. My secrets, my mistakes, my life, is all right here. It comes from a voluntary wound, does that tell you anything more? Am I still "ok"?

If I were to pray, I would pray for god to crush me, into tiny unmendable pieces. My heaven is a rainy Thursday in October. Is that supposively normal? Hence the entire fucking idea.

I give a complete new meaning to pill popping. It is out of control.

So I came from a home full of alcohol and abuse, I dont talk about that, I'd rather talk about the voices in my head and how strangely while making me subside from everything, it makes me feel better, knowing that something is still faithful.

Today Im valued because I am sometimes a good person, I dont lie, cheat, steal, or break promises. But... does that really make me a good person? Maybe just a bad person with good intentions. To make everything ok, to cover it up.

No one escapes, what they feel inside. What is the attempt gain? Maybe while attempting to make everyone believe that I dont care, I am only making it worse for myself. Attempting to overcome and only letting it all overcome me.

This is the game of being alive, who in the fuck do you think you are? I just fail to understand, and quite fucking frankly, I dont want to know. You sick piece of fucking shit.

Fearing what you've done makes you fear what you have to do. Im afraid of everything. I fear what no one else would. All attempts of commitment, sharing, gaining, losing, and all other normal occurances, I, quite fucking honestly, am scared completely of.

We all try to commit suicide, everyone has tried a hot dog. I mean really, what is the big fucking deal? The facts are right on your fucking face, look for the obvious, dont ignore everything that would make you seem fucking flawless, always remember someone, somewhere, knows.

What if overnight everything you owed anything to was obliterated? It would make you feel empty. None of us live without someone allowing us to. Everyone owes something. We all borrow, sometimes never intend on paying back, but what would we life for with nothing to work towards?

I have an urge to set in the middle of central park at 4 in the morning and just see what would happen. Care to join me?

Do you not like this conversation? It gets worse from here.

Im losing ground. I try to learn to live dead, numb, but I see something I want, an opportunity, and there goes everything. With nothing I am queen. With something, I feel like shit. Is that supposed to be fucked up like that?

This is so hard, I want to get away from here soon. Soon will I be afraid of the 'men beneath the couch with knives' or afraid of the 'voices in the closet of little kids being tortured' ? I dont want that, but in order to not get to that, something must happen. Its all upon me to make it, and I dont think I can.

Would you let me scream in your face if you knew I could take it no more? If you were to hear I took my own life, would you be the first to make sure I were dead, or the first to shed a tear? Do you even know what you would do?

Prepare yourself for anything, there are endless possibilities.

Has all of this been ambivilant to you?

My virtue is that, I lack everything.

In the new century, I think we wil all be insane.

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Shoe23

:: 2003 7 December :: 4.23pm
:: Mood: Every emotion is currently flowing
:: Music: Godsmack - Releasing the Demons

I cant spell..
Anything.

My fucking dumb as hell mom is listening to the fucking beach boys... and singing along and now she is fucking dancing.

Its ok though... must restrain my anger.. and deep hate for her, and my father. Ill just drink my Mt. Dew, listen to my music, and continue to have a conversation with Ellen, nevermind she just left. *sigh*

I no longer have a reason to be on...

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Shoe23

:: 2003 6 December :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Finch - Letters To You

I want you to know that, I miss you, I miss you so...
Is this another day..or a long continueance of when this all began?

Answering questions at all is a problem for me, before just very indecisive...

Such a feeling of death is inside... complete emptiness, lonliness, without emotion, being alone and cold. I feel merely as if I am a walking version of death, only not in the same sence that sick people would relate to.

I think Im drifting away from the people I really need. Someone please help me. Im losing all I have left. If I could just stop everything I do. It could be fine. I cant help myself anymore, I held it in too long, I let it go too far. Some just dont understand that the way I act is not just for fun. Just because all that is visible looks fine doesnt mean there isnt more inside. Secrets are harmful, I am just one big secret. It will be that way until I realize what I am doing is only making everything worse. Im sorry for all I have done to anyone... My head is so full of this shit, I no longer have room to think before I do things. Just ignore all you can, pay no attention to anything I say that hurts you. I regret it all. I just usually cant say i'm sorry...

TRUSTcompany
The Fear
Standing here
I'm cold inside with fear
And I can't feel my soul
Take me in
I'm yours again
For awhile - just like the last time
Lead me from the fear
And I won't leave you here
There's a way out
There's a way out
There's a way from here...believe
I feel weak
I'm slowly losing touch
With what is left in me
Take me in
I'm yours agian
For awhile - just like the first time
I need you
To keep me here
I'm starting over again

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Shoe23

:: 2003 5 December :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: empty
:: Music: Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People

hey..you..what do you see???

Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test


Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 46%
Type 3 Ambition |||||| 22%
Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 50%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||| 38%
Type 8 Hostility |||||||||||| 50%
Type 9 Calmness |||||| 30%
Your Conscious-Surface type is 4w5
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 4w5
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test



hmm...interesting..anyone agree with those results?

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Shoe23

:: 2003 5 December :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: suicidal
:: Music: 12 Stones - Back Up

me, currently, is a topic undescribable...
Im thinking awful things, Im pretty sure few would notice

To describe today all in one word... is im fucking possible

Yes, one of those... as always, every fucking day is like that anymore... why? I dont know.

My ear fucking hurts BRAD...little bastard... I restrain my anger around him... well I do that around everyone... Its all inside me... hardly ever is it let out... someday though, someone is going to push me too fucking far... and I will either hurt them or massively hurt myself... I already hurt myself, over everyone else... I wish I could express my anger better than slicing my wrist everytime I am about to break... I know no one agrees with what I do.. but I do it, its just like an adiction to anything else... I cant stop.

That paragraph got rather intense...

It made me happy to see Ellen laughing... I would let Brad do whatever he wanted to do to me if she would laugh like that all of the time... I [heart] you Ellen.... you are the best person ever... and you too Amber... I [heart] you too...

well... I no longer am full of complaints so... I guess I will be leaving...

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Shoe23

:: 2003 4 December :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Puddle of Mudd - Away from Me

FUCK YOU!!!
Lindsay, I HATE YOU. You are so fucking fake. You piece of SHIT. You and your "severely depressed" bullshit. Fuck you... what the fuck ever... You have your god damn head so far up Justins fucking ass... you are such a fucking stupid bitch... you piss me off so much. I live to HATE people like you.

Do you really think we give a FUCK? If so, I have a fucking news flash for you, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, YOU ASKED FOR IT.... You and your fake as hell self.

I Hate Everything About You

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Shoe23

:: 2003 4 December :: 7.00pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Iron Maiden - Look for the Truth

*sigh*
Staind - "Nameless"
The walls around me caving in
Cracked and grey
Remind me of myself, I need some help
There's no one else
I'm empty
Addicted
Pissed off
And still afraid
Of what you
Have left me
To live in
This mess you've made


Dashboard Confessional - These Old Wounds
I've been bleeding well from this old wound
cleaning it with salt so it will still feel new
sometimes eyes turn black sometimes scars are tracks
but everytime youre gone I wish that you'd come back

and everyone watched me waste myself
and everyone cheered at last
all of the founded comforting
its better its me than them

I think im doing well from what they say
if takin both my belts and shoe laces away
but I believe in luck I think I do
but I believe for sure if ever I see you


Alkaline Trio - Stupid Kid
There are things that used to make me smile
One of them was you for just a little while
You left me for dead so far away
I replaced you with fear and shame
You'll be happy on the day I die

There are things that used to make me laugh
But now they're deeply buried in the past
I left them there so far away
Replaced my humor with my pain
I'll be happy on the day it dies


Dashboard Confessional - Sharp Hint of New Tears
On the way home this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way

You've been asking me to plead;
it seems these kinds of questions come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturually.
I should not be surprised.
I should have seen it sooner.
Expect me to apologize for the things that you've done wrong
while you're inciting others.
you're owning up to nothing and I wish that I was gone
'cause you're not going anywhere.

The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back
but it's useless,
I'm useless against them.
They're beating me with ease.


Rufio - Road to Recovery
Well love's a bitch,
relationships end.
What happens now when that person's gone?
The one who you thought you could always count on.
You fall in love and they fall out.
Love is a bitch, all relationships end.

How do i let go of a love that meant so much to me?
How do i go on when you're part of me?
I'm dying inside each time i see you.
Don't lose sight of me cuz you're all I see.
You're still all I see.
This road to recovery has taken all I have.


Staind - See Through
I see thru you
What makes you think that you're god?
I see thru you
Pick up the pieces as i fall apart
I see thru you
Why must you fuck with me this way?
I see thru you
Wither away with me

Betrayed, you left me here for dead
Betrayed, by the voices in my head
Betrayed, left me out in the rain
Betrayed, nothing left but pain
I'm sick of the answers you have to my questions
Your cannibal instincts and false dedications
You leave me here cold, nothing left but my shell
To die while i'm living and burn in my hell


Staind - So Far Away
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping


The Used - Noise and Kisses
look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...
hard to see up
my neck feels stiff until I wake up
the orange i choked
and back to my neck
it's worth my time
whatever that means....so

share with me
cause i need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up

give it to me
give me all... whatever you want
it's never been me
to want this much from you
I can see
it tears me up







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Shoe23

:: 2003 4 December :: 6.50pm
:: Mood: apathetic

Blink 182 - Adam's Song
I never thought I'd,
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time,
I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed,
To go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off,You'll board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I cant wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

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Shoe23

:: 2003 4 December :: 10.37am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: None :(

blah....
Well..this is just amusing as hell... I am in English gone done typing my stuff in like 5 mintue so everyone else is still on their first one.

I drove fast to school this morning until I got behind this semi going speed limit... and thank god because there was a cop sitting along side the road waiting for someone to not obide by the damn laws. You know how that shit goes.....

Anyway... maybe the rest of the day will be ok.. so far its been alright, everyone is being qiet and leaving me alone... :)

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