Shoe23
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2005 3 June :: 3.50pm
I believe doing something we shouldn't be doing makes us think. Right now it's making me think of making something of my life. I don't think I can. I wish someone could take my life and make something of it. I mean, I'd like to think I've learned something from the life I've led, I'm afraid I really haven't.
I still think it would be so much easier to not be here. Not just "home" here.. alive here.
I hate those moments where you're getting along perfectly fine and all of a sudden when you've actually forgotten everything is really wrong... then something goes wrong and everything falls right back apart.. time after time. It's hard to gain anything when one little thing, pointless thing, ruins everything. I suppose all of that is only considering the fact that we could get along without the little things messing everything up anyway.
For example:
Conversations about how the day has been turns into a complete contraversy. Hostility plays I part too I suppose. It's just such a change after you don't get along with someone any day of one week and all of a sudden that same person asks you how your day went.. of course it's going to be an issue. How can the situation be taken seriously? Conversations that start like that at my house end up like this...
"At least you could be civil."
"Okay."
"Can't you just let it go and get on with your life?"
What are you supposed to say to that remark, those of you who know my situation?
Of course, who couldn't let go of everything in their damn life and move on? What kind of a damn question is that anyway? What the hell ever. I've just never learned how to stay away from things going back to how they started.
How do conversations get turned around so easily you ask? Well.. watch the movie The War at Home and you should understand. Mainly that is how my mother is... atleast during the breakfast scene and shortly after in the movie. It is so identical to how my mother acts. Actually, the entire thing is exactly like my family when we set down and attempt to be a family. Effort never counts. It nearly sickens me.
Speaking of little things, it's strange those little things that certain people bring to your mind.
On a whole other side of life, It bothers me to know someone is upset but they wont talk about their problems. I hate to see disappointment. Then again, I hate interrogation. I hate several things. Like stories, I hate stories... where do they come from? They seem so random most of the time, the smallest thing triggers a reflex to tell a story, to share your life. Stories are okay until statistics come into them.
..
. if I had it to give .
. I would give it to you .
..
Sit back and watch.. I could do this for years...
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Shoe23
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2005 2 June :: 6.30pm
. it's a crime you let it happen to me .
. -nevermind- I'll let it happen to you .
. out of mind, .forget it. there's nothing to lose .
. but my mind and all the things I wanted .
..
. -everytime- I get it I throw it away .
. it's a sign - I get it - I wanna stay .
. by the time I lose it I'm not afraid .
. I'm alive but I can surely fake it .
..
. how can I believe when this cloud hangs over me .
. you're the -part- of me that I don't wanna see .
..
.. forget it ..
So.. just a song as my update. If I had the mental strength left to say what I'm thinking I would say it.. everything.
If any of you want to know anything personal... I'm open to your questions if you really want the answers.
. you want a simpler life .
. you can erase what was mine .
..
. you know my name .
. you know my face .
. you'd know my heart .
. if you knew my place .
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Shoe23
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2005 29 May :: 1.15am
What a night...
My stomach feels like a 300 pound man punched it really hard.. ohh wait, one did. So, that's how my night started.
Twenty three phone calls and thirty miles later I was in Bolivar, the place where I could spend forever. Thank you so much for being there and being so voluntary to help me out of this mess I'm supposed to call "home."
Anyway.. still no long entry but, I promise.. it's coming soon.
Until then...
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Shoe23
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2005 27 May :: 5.00pm
. I'd become comfortably numb .
. until you opened up my eyes .
. to what it's like .
. when everything is right .
..
. you found me .
. when -no one else- was looking .
. how did you know just where I might be? .
. you broke through .
. all of my confusion .
. the ups and the downs .
. and you still didn't leave .
. I guess that you saw what nobody could see .
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Shoe23
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2005 26 May :: 4.55pm
Well.. good news and disappointing news always seem to come together.
My job is going well, I'm starting to get the hang of it and the schedule.. everything. So, that's good.. I was really hoping it would all work out. I had hope it would though... since you were the one that suggested it the job had to be okay.
I'm not going to get to go with you this summer. I hate not being able to go.. it just kills me. I looked forward to it for so long. Again, another thing I never should have looked forward to.. I should've known it never would've happened. It's no one else's fault but mine that I'm not able to go, though. Atleast you know how many are going now.
I didn't work today and I came home this evening because of softball practice. Tomorrow I work. Monday I am off, Friday I have to take off because Jeff -Mr. I'm a special yearbook advisor- is coming and I have to be there to work on pages all day long until he arrives. Joy!
Well.. I'll think of more to complain about later.
[update]
It's time for a big spill of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about, I have a feeling that will be my next update. Just thought I'd warn you all...
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Shoe23
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2005 23 May :: 6.45pm
Well, today was my first day of work.. it was actually quite okay. It was nice to come home and take a shower though, I was a bit dusty.
It's still kinda rough without anything in my system except the bit of Gatorade I can handle at one time when Tiff brings it too me but, I'm doing good... holding myself away from everything that I shouldn't be around and all.
I'll update with something valuable later.
Nevermind I've nothing valuable to say..
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Shoe23
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2005 22 May :: 1.15am
I feel so horrible right now, I feel like I could just die.
Today has been so horrible.. I've never felt so sick in my life. I pray that none of you reading this end up in this type of situation..
I think I'm going to go take something to help me sleep, he's not here to knock me out for the night so I have to do something, I feel so dead, too dead to believe I'm still alive. I'm sure medication will be lovely on my four day empty stomach.. don't you think?
2 mindless thoughts |
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Shoe23
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2005 19 May :: 11.30am
I don't know which way to go, or what to look for if I get there. Everything is so contradicting of itself anymore I just leaves me stuck in the middle of no where. I still don't understand what kind of purpose I hold on this earth.
So last night, one of my two favorite nights of the week my mother calls me and is just really upset because she wants someone's "support." So guess what.. she drug me to the doctor today [for her] because she needed "support." I just went through the same exact thing she went through today, same exact freaking thing.. I didn't ask for anyone to be there. I did have support behind me but, I faced the faqs alone. I don't understand why she feels like I owe her anything, she enjoys every minute of time she gets to spend in a complete massacre to destroy my dreams, hopes, and my future. But, I'm always there to pull her out of her troublesome experiences. I don't know why I care so much about what happens to her.. I guess it's just something that comes naturally between a child and her mother, I wish I had the same back.
I also don't know about this entire quitting thing, Tiff. This is going to make things a lot harder for me to take and handle appropriately. I do know it is best for me to stop using, though. Today is pretty rough without them, I've thrown up everything I've even had to drink.. it's lovely. I must not have been thinking of how hard it was to quit the first time when I decided to start again.
Anyway, enough of my complaining..
[update]
If you can understand this, you can pretty much figure out what is going on...
. I can't make it on my own .
. so cut my wrists and black my eyes .
. so I can fall asleep tonight, or die .
. because you kill me .
. you know you do, you kill me well .
. you like it too, and I can tell .
. you never stop until my final breath is gone .
..
. I need you now [more like yesterday] .
. for the last time turn out the lights .
. my life on standby .
..
. so standby and watch .
. this [fall away] and [fall apart] .
..
.. just say that it's over ..
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Shoe23
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2005 18 May :: 4.20pm
. It's cold outside I'm sensing fear .
. My self control has disappeared .
. I'm spinning out at each end .
. Could you be kind and let me in .
. Despite the writing on the wall .
. My future's bleak and rather small .
. That's all you could ever take from me .
.. I've got nothing to lose so let me be ..
..
. Well I sized you up your not that strong .
. You're weak inside I knew all along .
. This made up army you fight in your head .
. Destroyed your worth and pronounced you dead .
..
. The cruelest joke that has played on me .
. Is all planned out so I can't leave .
. Now quietly I will walk away .
. There is no bad blood but I can't stay .
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Shoe23
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2005 16 May :: 10.50pm
I have the worst timing ever. Actually, I have the worst judgement ever. I really evaluated this situation completely wrong. Typical, I suppose. I just can't handle my emotions very well. I suppose that's why I've always been a pretty big user of drugs and alcohol, it's makes me feel stable and no one can penetrate my emotions. It's going to be hard to handle this sober. Logically, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my entire life, and there's been a lot I've had to handle through the years. I'd rather live my entire life over and go through all of the pain and suffering again than to even attempt to face this. This sends me right back down to the bottom. Hoo-ray for my stupid mistakes. Damn it! I really want to just say what I'm thinking but I can't.. I just can't do it.
This is pointless.
1 mindless thought |
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Shoe23
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2005 16 May :: 4.00pm
*shrug*
I hate change. Just as I begin to get used to where I'm at everything and everyone I'm around shifts. I'd like to know what is really going on with you.. I've heard things from everyone else except you. I'm really dying to know so I can dread next year even more and so I can know what I don't have to look forward to any longer. And it's not because I don't understand, I do.. it just plain sucks ass. That's all there is to it. I suppose that just makes me selfish, but that'll give everyone something else to complain about.
It's strange to walk into school and see my photo on the wall.. I'm part Weaubleau's history now. Strange, I'd never thought about being some part of the past at Weaubleau. It's not right, I'll never be ready for this change. Especially not now.
-this week-
Tuesday - School at 8 for publications
Wednesday - Nothing during the day, Tiff's -maybe- for the night.
Thursday - *inserts event I've forgotten about*, softball practice at 8:30
Friday - *inserts another forgotten activity*
I know I had a busy week, it's all left my head.. I hope someone reminds me.
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Shoe23
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2005 13 May :: 10.30pm
What a night.. I'm pretty sure the reality of what just happened has yet to hit me. Time to get ready for college, eh? I'm as complete to head out of here as I'll ever be. Too bad classes don't start Monday. I have to get familiar with putting my ring on the oposite way now, it's strange.
. Out of the darkness and into the sun .
. But I won't forget all the ones that I love .
..
. I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly .
. I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky .
. I'll make a wish .
. Take a chance .
. Make a change .
.. and breakaway ..
Thanks, Everyone.. I'll never forget what you've all done for me.
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Shoe23
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2005 13 May :: 1.00pm
The day has come. Today is a day I never thought I'd make it too. Now that I have I can finally say that I'm glad to be here. So many things about today send mixed emotions through my head over and over again. I can't exactly pin myself down to feeling one, two.. even three emotions. It's time for everything to change.. time for me to not just depend on everyone else for back-up, but depend on myself. I've never been a believer in myself.. it's going to be a task. I'm sad that the fun is over and that my friends and I will all go seperate ways and each find success in different parts of the state, country, maybe the world. I'll miss the days when you have that feeling that everyone is actually in a good mood and getting food thrown at me daily. I'll miss the security and simplicity. I'll miss my mom and the way she never knows but always seems to understand and work a way around things so they work. It sickens me that she'll be left alone here with my father. I've always been her responsibility.. it was always her job to take care of me, but that was also my job to keep her safe and sane. I'm not sure if I'll miss having to guard her with my life but, I'll miss those times when it brought us closer because we successfully made it through another night without any injuries. I'm happy that I get to finally prove what I can do. I'm also happy that I and everyone in my class, though deemed as "underachievers", has had a successful year and are planning to continue education, and I pray you all succeed. I'm lucky to have so many friends and special hearts in my life. Most can never say they've had a true friend, I guess that qualifies me as lucky and blessed. This year has been the last time for many things.. too many things. I love all of you with all of my heart that's ever helped me out with my issues, from a hug when I looked down, a talk about what happened the night before, even introducing a way to look at things as if they would really be okay in the end. I look back and sometime I really didn't show or tell any of you how much it meant for that one simple hug, or talk.. to me, those were both the biggest feelings of security I could've asked for.
I missed a lot but I couldn't have asked for a better senior year. I'll remember this year forever. I thank you all for the memories, moments, and motivation. I'm truly blessed to know you all. Without every single one of you I wouldn't be the person I am today.
1 mindless thought |
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Shoe23
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2005 9 May :: 4.50pm
So.. another shitty day. Atleast until I checked my e-mail last hour. Good news, hopefully.
I can't believe tomorrow is my last day of school at Weaubleau. I never thought I'd finish, I never thought I'd get anywhere. Thanks to every single one of you who helped me find a way. I'm just ready to see how well I can do in life. I'm ready to prove everyone wrong who ever doubted me.
Anyway.. I had planned to go to your place today but this morning I received information containing crap regarding the athletic banquet for basketball being tonight. Nice to know. Jesus, what a school.
Then.. I have softball practice at 8:30 tonight.
..and my mom just hung up on a loan specialist from US Bank. Which is where I applied for loans from. My father blamed it on me.. "well, it's not your fault, you didnt know" he said to my mother.. she didn't have to claim she was me, did she? Whatever, I'm out as soon as I can get there.
Schedule for the next few days:
Tuesday - School -last day-, perhaps a party, might venture to Bolivar.
Wednesday - Nothing that day, Mrs. Walden's at 6:30, Tiff's for the night.
Thursday - Nothing that morning, Photo's at two, Pick up some stuff, nothing that night yet.
Friday - 9:30 Grad. Practice *adds in butterflies*, 10:30 Awards Ceremony, 7:00 Graduation [hope you are all there], Project Grad.
Saturday - Back at 7 from Project Grad., Ellen's for a bit, Home to sleep, Grad. Party, Pass out.
Sunday - Wake up from passing out, go home, sleep.
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Shoe23
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2005 8 May :: 11.15pm
Friends are so full of value these days. A special thanks goes out to the genius who felt it was necessary to change my password and attempt to get me off of Woohu. Big thumbs up to you.
Anyway.. to all of you mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day. I successfully made both my mother and grandmother cry today. My mom opened her card when she and I were alone and she started crying, looked up at me, and said "I'm so sorry." Then she went on to say "I don't know how you can be so considerate and forgiving of me, actually, I don't know how you can be a person at all." For a moment, I was confused but she explained that she never expected me to make it as far as I have and now she feels "bad" that she treated me the way she did. Great timing to start caring.
I just need to breathe for... about 6 more days, then I can say I successfully completed more than I had ever dreamed possible.
[update]
It makes me sad when I hear a song once dedicated to me.
<3 Bryan...
[Our Lady Peace - Clumsy]
. Throw away the radio suitcase .
. That keeps you awake .
. Hide the telephone, the telephone, telephone, in case .
..
. You realize that sometimes you're not okay .
. You level off, you level off, you level off .
..
. and its not all right now .
..
. You need to understand .
. There's nothing strange about this .
. You need to know your friends .
..
. You need to know that .
. I'll be waving my hand watching you drown .
. Watching you scream .
. Quiet or loud .
..
. And maybe you should sleep .
. And maybe you just need, a friend .
. As clumsy as you've been .
. There's no one laughing .
. You will be safe in here .
. You will be safe in here .
..
. Throw away this very old shoelace .
. That tripped you again .
. Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off .
. It's only skin now .
. You need to understand .
. There's nothing fake about this .
. You need to let me in .
. I'm watching you .
..
. And I'll be waving my hand watching you drown .
. Watching you scream .
. No ones around .
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