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2003 21 February :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: exhausted/ tired/ fuck everyone
:: Music: Our Lady Peace
When the world comes crashing down and youre standing in the middle of it..
Foot on gravel, eyes drawn to copper circle. There it lay. That lucky penny with good ol' Abe Lincoln's face shining towards the sky. I picked it up, and put it in my pocket thinking.. maybe it really will brig me luck. HA! I could never have been more wrong. Infact i think that wretched dirty penny gave me ROTTEN luck. I was late to first, failed a Government test, ruined a surprise, and got hackled by Heavy-Head feather-butt. Long story short, i walked out of class and straight into my deans office. I got a referral..(fourth one in 2 weeks)Senioritis? Definitely. I can't wait till it's over.
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2003 19 February :: 8.15pm
:: Mood: I want icecream
:: Music: All American Rejects - "Last Song" & "Your Star"
Round and round and round we go again..
My mind and life is so joggled right now. I'm not drowing in deep emotion tonight, therefore I have no words to spare. Peace and love and the stars above..
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2003 17 February :: 12.59am
:: Mood: "tired"
:: Music: beethoven - violin concerto in d major
don't you understand ? you were different from the others . i just told her that . you weren't supposed to make me cry . you weren't supposed to be the reason i sat in deserted parking lots at one a.m. , sobbing quietly to myself because i had no one to call . you knew good decisions from bad ones . but you weighed your options and she won . and you looked at my eyes turning slightly bloodshot , watched me avoid your stare , biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crying , sat and listened to me not speak a word to you for an hour and a half , and believed me when i told you nothing was wrong . didn't question it . so what now ? i can't just let it slide , but i can't let you go . you're different from the others . i should just fix my eyeliner and go home , smile , and hope for the phone to ring with that familiar unfamiliar number .
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2003 15 February :: 3.16am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Lamb-
The future is full of drunks!
Tonight I went to a bar (first real bar experience) with Sophia, Ky and Tony where we witnessed plenty of over 25 year old drunk men and women, bad dancing, and heard some pretty good covers. Everyone that was dancing looked like they were having seizures. Some worse than others. I also noticed how EVERYONE was trying to hit on everyone else. Nasty bald men rubbing drunk ladies legs. Is that what I have to look forward to? I hope that’s not what my social life holds for me when I get older. Gahhh. Yuck. I will say though, the night was pretty fun. Valentines Day doesn’t suck too bad. I didn’t even really care that I didn’t have someone. I have my stars. The sky looked so luminous tonight. It was really pretty. “Today is on fire, the sky is bleeding above me and I am blistered. I walk these lines of blasphemy everyday.” I love that part.. the sky is bleeding above me.. today it was.
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2003 12 February :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: The Juliana Theory- "As It Stands" T.a.T.u- "All The Things She Said"
There's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves... Everyone will slip away, everyone has slipped away...
Throw away the picture of his beautiful smile... burning itself into your heart and restless thoughts. That smile and those sad, subterranean eyes that make you want to collapse when they turn your way. Try not to remember how adorable he can be.. and hold on to the realization that he doesn’t give a shit about you, nor anyone else. You’re not any more special than those that came before you. Don’t jump when the phone rings.. it’s never him. Whenever you want to give him call and tell him you miss him, don’t, because he doesn’t miss you. He doesn’t care about you. You’re not worthy enough for him to care. In fact he doesn’t care about much. He just keeps walking, he has no clue why. That’s what he tells you, and you still hang on.. in hopes that at any moment, he’ll make a stop.. just for you, realize the ignorant mistakes he’s making and the ten-fold utopian dream he’s walking away from. Let go.. let go when he’s practically dancing across the courtyard thinking about everything under the stars... except you... and there you are again, crawling behind him, wondering when the fuck he’s going to turn around and tell you that you could be his escape, his reason for happiness. Why wonder? He isn't.. Just let go.
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2003 10 February :: 7.19pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: against all authority - court 22
it's the "news at 10" that kills me . my only enemy . the one that gets me every time . the dark , sweaty grappling of hands on wrists and shoulders and tangled in hair . open mouths on uncovered necks in a slightly less playful way than earlier , when i was on the phone or wrestling the remote out of your hands . i can't hold your hand hard enough for you to comprehend the thoughts racing through my mind . with no concept of time , all i know is that i'm here , with you , though it could be anywhere and still not make a difference . so i keep my eyes shut tightly to avoid the red glowing numbers above and slightly to the right of your head . your glasses long forgotten , my self-consciousness gone with any inhibitions i may have had . it doesn't matter how toned my stomach is or that my eyeliner is smudged on my cheek or yours . i just want to feel your bare stomach on mine , barely grazing it , then on me in an instant where i don't even know how it got there , so hard i can barely breathe , but it's not your weight that's taking my breath away . i don't even know why . all i know is your breath in my ear , and i'm sent into this whirling oblivion where nobody has ever gone , feeling something nobody has ever felt . but it's gone . the forced whisper , the disappointment , the uncaring anchors taking away my everything in seconds . so leave the television off next time , and i'll never leave this place again .
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2003 8 February :: 1.55am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: String Quartet Tribute to Incubus- "I miss you" And..... And you will know us by the trail of dead-
Too tired to think..
I'm so tired. I wish I was laying on my marshmallowy blanket on the beach with the stars breathing down on me, grabbing handfuls of soft sand and watching it blow into the cold wind. Pure bliss. Hmm.. maybe in my dreams.. G'night all
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2003 6 February :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Tori Amos - *A Sorta Fairytale*
Thursdays are good days cause Fridays are the next days..
Renaissance festival danced with stars, i bought some cool necklaces, got glitter thrown at me and I got to watch the inner-workings of "Glass Blowing." I really liked the whole atmosphere, everyone was so nice and it just seemed so natural. "This is to a girl who got into my head with all these fucked up things I did, hey maybe, baby, you could keep me up in bed" Ahhh.. what a beautiful song. Hey, im wearing my TBA shirt.. Im so happy the weekend is finally approaching. What to do, what to do?
Peace * Love * Stars
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2003 6 February :: 10.24am
:: Mood: happy
so last night tim and i rented a movie and i was in the car with tim on the way to my house and i accidently missed my favorite part of the song we had on, and i go "rewind it !!" and he accidently fast forwarded instead and i go "YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING." but i was just kidding or whatever. so we watched the beginning of the movie but then he had to go home, so then on the way to his house, we got in the car and he put the song back on since i had missed it or whatever and i go "ohhh it's the song you fucked up." and he goes "fuck you !" and i go "no. fuck you. get out of my car." and so he opens the door, puts the movie in my lap and starts to get out and i go "aww baby come back !" and he did and i go "but NEVER make me hold your things again ." , and he goes "no, i was giving it to you because if i was never going to see you again, i wanted you to be able to finish it." and i like died because he was so cute . <333 HE IS SO PERFECT . HOW DOES HE DO IT ?!?!
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2003 5 February :: 1.21pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: celine dion - that's the way it is
[ i can't quite put my finger on it , but it's somewhere in the reason why ] i try not to [ but usually ] close my eyes when you kiss [ even ] my cheek because otherwise i know i'll get lost forever in this feeling [ which i wouldn't mind doing, but i don't know if you'd be here with me ] . [ sometimes i want to tell you but i don't know if you feel it too ]. it's in that feeling i get when you kiss my neck only i get it when we're just sitting and holding hands and sometimes [ but don't tell anyone else ] when certain songs come on in the car , i'll reach for your hand and i'll look over and you're not really there [ i was just dreaming you into life ]. i think i do that all the time , though [ not just sometimes ] . and my concentration is fine until ten minutes after you get off work because i'm crossing my fingers until the phone rings [ so hard i see stars ... or hope to ] . but i'm not falling ; that's not me . i don't do that . [ that's what i heard from him , but i hope you'll realize that sometimes i lie , but it's only because you can't realize you're on my mine from when i wake up to when i fall asleep at night , and often long after that . and my heart falls when i don't have a new voice message , but i'm okay until 10:30 when i will . and there's only two more days until i can fall asleep with your arms around me but i'm trying really hard to pretend i can now ] . it doesn't mean anything that i'm using all my minutes and all my gas and am at your work more than you . you're reading too much into it . [ or maybe i'm not reading enough ] .
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2003 3 February :: 8.31pm
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: Sarah McLachlan - *Mercy*
Still longing for what yesterday's lost and for all that tomorrow might bring...
Today was a normal day. Nothing big happened. Me and greg got into a bit of a quarrel at Chilis, but what's new? Everytime we're together we get into a fight about something. Sad, i wish things could stay the same forever. I think i'm actually gonna study for my government test tomorrow. I need to pass and get out of this prison we all know as school. Oh, how I hate it. It's so restraining, and any day I can get away from it, is a blessed one. Yay for Thursday.. Renaissance Festival. Alright kiddies, im out for the night.
* Chicken & Stars *
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2003 1 February :: 7.42pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Opeth in the beginning... and at the moment.. Sean Paul
*I wish I could drive away to the sunset...* And stay there forever... :)
The past 3 days have been so awesome. The fun started Thursday with wakeboarding in icy cold water, and the e.l.e.v.e.n.e.l.e.v.e.n show (Rocked.. awww turntables) proceeded through "Senior Skip Day" Friday filled with waking sick-greg up with the melodic sounds of a leaf blower, and a toy gun and a pitchfork in his face (hahaha.. "Jesus muthafuckin Christ!!") followed by the beach and getting dirty at Jap rock. And today was yet another carefree sunny day at the beach with Sophia, Ky, Tones, Kiersten, Tom, Greggy and Alex. The water was so cold that the only way to get warm was to pee yourself, Sophia mashed wet sand into my ear, and I got a pretty good tan. I love beach-days with my funky, fresh friends. :) Now it's 7:30, i still have sand on my toes and my hair is like one big golden dread. The night is young, and there's more fun and chaos to be committed..
PeAce * LoVe * StaRs
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2003 29 January :: 12.41pm
:: Mood: Stars Colliding
:: Music: * Opeth *
And with the dialing of seven buttons they were reconnected..
I remember how I felt. I know I never wanted to look into his eyes again, because It would only show me everything we threw away. Somehow, I managed to move on and accept the fact that David and I were over. Then I found out he'd wanted to patch things up with me and clear all the badness. I finally called him Superbowl Sunday night. We talked and there was no weirdness at all. I felt totally comfortable. It almost frustrates me knowing inside, how much he scarred my heart yet how easily I let him back in. All I can say is this.. I was in love with him, and perhaps I still am.. I know I'll never stop loving him, he was everything to me. We decided to stay friends, and whatever happens, happens. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't involve either one of us getting their heart broken. I'm running out of glue. I'm just glad the hole in my heart has been filled.. it was really difficult waking up each day knowing I wasn't going to see his face. A face I'd been so accustomed to. A voice and smile I'd been comfortable with. The hole is filled now that the piece is back in its place. And I'm being very cautious just incase it falls away again.. but i'm hoping it won't.
PeAce+StaRS
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2003 28 January :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: ghoti hook - knock knock
as horrible as it sounds , it's great to see you down when i know you brought it upon yourself . your facade of perfect hair and popularity is fading fast , and when it's all over , i won't be the one left crying anymore . this partnership you've formed is a cruel thing , and it won't last much longer because you've been through most of us . it's a great strategy , though . what better way to bring down an innocent bystander than by smiling your way into their life , robbing them of all oxygen , and quickly escaping without so much as 'goodbye' to let them choke on their own stupidity ? i just don't understand why . why your choice of victim is the undeserving , and why you think you're so much better . neither of you would be anything without the other , and interdependence is a dangerous thing . and nothing will look more beautiful to me than the salty tears in your self-inflicted wounds when this game you think you're in together turns out to be a one player thing .
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2003 27 January :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: Shocked.. an cared about, awww :)
:: Music: Finch- *Without You*
So how could I awake without you here, your picture's on the wall, you havent called but i'll wait for you...
So, my insanely brilliant friend, *BenJamin* decyphered my dream for me. Everything he said seemed to connect with how I am and how i've been feeling lately. Dreams are so crazy, telling you things subconsciously.. just read his conclusion..
You were at david's house to begin with, now this does not have to have any direct coorelation to david, david in your mind is the representation for love, but since you were at david's house that is either merely the setting or could be directly pointed at david. You were sitting in his leaving room, sitting or kneeling is usually symbolic for giving up, or needing something. Emotions such as crying are usually straight forward when referring to love(aka David) you either miss david or you miss the feeling the love gives you. or that david hurt you or you're hurt because of love. Kiersten is your representation for friendship and support, kiersten appears shortly after you're at david's house because she is your way of supporting you when you're sad. I never really studied the colors except for the main ones, red blue and green, which would nomrally be anger, sadness, and greed (as obvious as that seems its true) i'm not aware of what orange can mean, but it could mean anything from you not likeing the color orange to orange being a color often associated with poisonous animals, if we look at orange as being a color that you dont like it will blend with the shortness of the dress, you wanted a longer dress and one that wasnt orange because it made you stand out and since it was short you felt uncomfortable, since you were around david you wanted him not to see you so vulnerable(vulnerable is represented by the short dress) but it's hard not to be noticed when wearing a bright orange dress. the woman washing the dishes is probobly a direct relation to an elder such as a mother or parent,you may feel pressured by your parents and you feel that they think you always wait till last minute. and you're parents make it difficult for you to ask them things because you're afraid how they might react. Driving in a car is ALWAYS symbolic for an attempt to escape, to leave from the whole world, people associated with substance abuse will often have dreams about driving or running.
..Damn..
If none of you understood this, it doesnt matter, cause It made complete sense to me. Thanks Benji, you rock! :)
PeAce+StaRs
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2003 26 January :: 12.31pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: The Used *Poetic Tragedy*
Dreams tell you things. What the hell is this telling me?
I had an odd dream last night. It started out with me at D's house and i was sitting on the floor in the middle of his living room bawling my eyes out. Then that dream morphed into me at someones house and Kiersten was there, D was there, Dan (D's friend) and lots of girls I didnt know. D. and I didnt speak to eachother but I kept hearing him say "I smoked sooo much weed tonight" And flirting with all those girls. Oh and i was wearing an orange prom dress that was INCREDIBLY too short on me so I asked some old ady who was washing the dishes if I could have some money to buy another one. She started yelling at me "How could you want a new dress now, at the last minute?!" So i just left and when I was leaving, i realized I was leaving my neighborhood, ,my windows were down, finch was playing, then I saw this car drive right next to this jetta and it ran into the side of it.. and left a huge scrape mark and then they both just drove away.
So.. there it is. It was one of those dreams that leaves a lingering, uneasy feeling. I woke up, really uptight and confused. I think maybe cuz D was in it. I try not to notice him in school.. now he's pushing through my dreams.
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2003 26 January :: 11.45am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: third eye blind - semi charmed life
this morning i woke up all disoriented , hungry , sleep marks on my face and hair all tangled , and my phone rang . and it was you , apologizing for waking me , even though you didn’t . you just have perfect timing , because that’s what you are ; perfect . and you made me hang up so you could leave me a voice mail and i was going to check the voice mail after my shower but i’m so addicted to you that i couldn’t . so i’m lying in bed and listening to your voice and i just sunk back into the covers and everything i was complaining about just went away . i was just blissfully lying there , covered in blankets , and all i could think about was how my back still smells like peach and how your hands are always so warm when i get to your house and i always use that as my excuse to hold them . and how i know that when i wake up in the mornings i always have “1 missed call” and “new voice message” and that even though i have all this homework that i haven’t done and work and my mother waiting for me to get up so she can yell at me and friends that i don’t talk to and friends that i do talk to but don’t like , it doesn’t matter . all that matters is that you make it all go away . and i look at my night table and i see this flower all wilting and i won’t throw it away because it reminds me of you . and i go downstairs and i have my favorite cereal and a dozen roses and the cookies we baked and i’m just so happy i didn’t know it was possible . i miss you baby .
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2003 25 January :: 1.21am
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: * Student Rick- Meet You Halfway There * (Thanks Greggy poo)
I'll hold you in my arms all night, kiss your lips, tell me why, why I cannot touch you, so far away, please don't cry, we'll cross the bridge together just meet me there.
Awww.. I want a boy to say that to meee! :) Now.. on to my journal..
Blurry faces, a heavy heart, short fries drenched in crimson, tall ones showered in salt. Laughing until my stomach feels twisted, at things I'd usually find obscene. But today it was funny. Radiohead and ambulances, understadng in a car crash
And the scent of cold weather and burning fires makes me feel alive. Thankful I'm alive. The apple cider made me want to puke. Shadow Wood was fun. We danced and yelled at young children. We never did quite find out what "flaming soccer" was exactly, but we did get to witness Sophia pull a raccoony-act. That was definitely the highlight of the night. Watching her pick that big bubble bag of pop-corn up and smashing it into the pavement, resulting in a humungous blanket of the fluffy yellow stuff was just too much fun. Im trying to make this entry sound deep.. but I dont think it'll work. lol I JUST HAD A GOOD NIGHT. IT FUCKING ROCKED! I came home around 11:30 partly b/c I had a headache and partly b/c the night had gone so well i just wanted it to end good. Corny I know. Maybe it was this crazy cold weather. My friends rock.. this weather rocks, and I <3 music. And I got to enjoy all three of these tonight. *Sigh*
Peace & Stars
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2003 23 January :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: Eye's opened and Sick of it all :)
:: Music: Glassjaw *Her Middle Name Was Boom*
Through the thick clouds I see the star and it's throwing a rock at you
I'd like to meet a guy who can stand up to me.. If you have something to say to me fucking say it.. I can handle it, believe me. After leading me on (just a tad).. Stellarboy relayed to me that he doesn't want a gf and for some reason that overwhelmed me with happiness. I feel so refreshed now. I think i'm FINALLY fed up with certain boys and their certain shananigans. I'm not taking any more shit. If you're a guy whose intentions are to take a giant crap on my port-o-pottie of a heart.. there are no vacancies.. fuck youuuu.. PeAce And StaRs
Ahhh.. i feel much better. :)
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2003 18 January :: 5.41pm
:: Mood: Helpless
:: Music: Bob Dylan
No Blood For Oil!
"5,000 people marched through downtown Tokyo, carrying toy guns filled with flowers and wearing face masks that parodied Bush."
I'll admit I don't keep up with what's going on in the world, but now we might actually be going to war with Iraq. 200,000 people protested against the war in Washington today. Why wasn't I there, what kind of hippy am I?
*We'll shake your windows and rattle your walls, oh the times they are changing*
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2003 16 January :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Radiohead *No Surprises*
I'm not depressed guys chill out..
Sometimes I like to ponder the thought of swearing off love forever because of you.
It's when I remember all the amazing times we had together. Now they're just memories I have to pretend I dont miss.
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2003 16 January :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: Sensitive and artistic
:: Music: Dashboard *For You To Notice*
...When I smile he misses me...
When you look into my eyes do you see what I feel? Pain, hurt, endless sleepless nights of tears crawling down my cheeks, left alone, unloved and pushed away? Broken hearts and promises, broken trust and now there’s an emptiness we both have to suffer through. Please don’t look at me as if you’re trying to tell me something meaningful through your miserable vacant eyes that will NEVER understand.
Now you’re wishing you could fly with me, but your wings are on fire. And I’m smiling. Notice that? I hope you do and I hope you know that no smile I make will ever be for you or because of you. Know that.
Right when you know I'm happy, that's when you decide to strike. Just leave me alone, pretend you don‘t even know my name. I see you trying to rip away at the seams of this patch holding my heart together. You must love to see me cry.
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2003 15 January :: 6.48pm
:: Mood: aggravated and extremely tired
:: Music: The Get Up Kids- Breathing Method
Some days are just bad...
*Sigh*
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2003 14 January :: 6.31pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: starting line - drama of summer
if i wrote you a song with all the things i said that weren't true , it would be the shortest song in the world , because i meant every word , and it could never compare to the novel you're writing me this very second .
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2003 13 January :: 10.11am
:: Mood: happy
at least i know i'm not the only one falling . i have to type to keep my hands from calling you in the middle of class to tell you i hope you have a good day at work . and we have a million plans but that could never be enough ... i'm sorry ... because i'm so obsessed with you . and maybe i will break your heart but maybe you will break mine . or maybe we will both remain this enchanted and never be disenchanted because i don't think i could be mad at you . and we have to agree before you get in my car and before i get in yours . but that's okay , because we do agree , on everything , all the time , and we are happy . and sometimes , all you want is to be happy . and right now , that's all i am . <3
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2003 13 January :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: Stellar
:: Music: The Cure
* Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again *
He's an ocean that I can't resist falling into. There's definitely a connection. Something way more than just physical attraction. Though, there is a lot of that :) His eyes and his hair.. ohh and his smile.. they're all so beautiful. HE is beautiful. He's so creative, he's far from fake, and I trust that every word that spills from his lips is truth. When I look into his big brown eyes, I feel like I can see deep down into his heart. And it's an incredible place. This one is different. I mean.. I'm listening to THE CURE as I type this.. I would'nt indulge in 80's music for any other guy! I just like him. He's my stellarboy and I'm going to cherish every single surreal moment of it.
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2003 11 January :: 2.21am
:: Mood: head over heels
:: Music: GlassJAw
Stellarboy is my star.
He is STELLAR. Almost too perfect. He's got these two deep, piercing, puppy-dog brown eyes. They capture my sight and I get lost in his gaze. It's the way he looks at me that makes my heart jump over the moon. He said my smile was the most beautiful he'd ever seen. I brought him home, he kissed me once, then kissed me twice, then kissed me three times.. ahhhh now I want so much more!! I cannot wait until I see his beautful face tomorrow. I'll melt as soon as I catch a glimpse of those entrancing eyes. I can feel it already, I'm going to fall fast, I'm going to fall deep. But there's something different about this one. He's like a dream.
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2003 8 January :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: is "waiting by the phone" a mood ?
:: Music: sublime - april 26, 1992 (miami)
he didn’t notice that i skipped tracks 4 and 10 on the cd player , waiting until he was out of the car so as not to ruin the poignancy of the songs , and he wouldn't know why , nor would he care . there’s a lot he doesn’t notice . maybe i’m only ‘pretty good’ because i don’t want to be here .
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2003 7 January :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Cold-"Gone Away"
* Shoot the stars *
From now on cloud 9 all the time.. that's all i gotta say kiersty..
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2003 7 January :: 3.02pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: All American Rejects "Swing Swing"
Stars Next To the Sun
*The stars are shining so bright in this daylight* Waitin' for Kiersty to come over. Went back to school today. Ahhh.. im so .. happy? lol. Odd, huh?
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