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2004 11 November :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: amazing !
:: Music: alicia keys ft. usher - my boo
no hay nada que compara a hacer el amor con alguien que amas . dimelo cantando mi amor o dimelo sonriendo o dimelo suavesito o damelo suavesito y dime que bailando me conosiste . ya no somos novios . ya tu eres mi otra mitad baby si no eres mas que eso . tu eres mi mundo entero y te daria el mundo entero si no mas se te ocurre que lo quieres . podemos recorrer el mundo entero y no hay nadie que compara contigo . yo no sabia que esto existia y si podria yo volveria a ese dia en junio en esa fiesta y te pediria que te casaras conmigo para no gastar esos seis meses sin tu presencia en mi vida y ahora mismo estuviera a tu lado en vez de en mi casa escribiendote algo que nunca veras por lo timida que soy . pero no te preocupes baby ( me estoy imaginando tu sonrisa porque se que preocupacion no es problema para ti ) que estoy trabajando en areglar eso y si la solucion esta en tomarme mil fotos y dejarme llever lo hare con gusto mi amor . que mas te puedo decir que tu no sabes todavia ? todo lo que estoy cayendo en cuenta ahora es todo lo que tu me has estado diciendo pero es que perdoname baby pero yo no sabia ... si me disculpas te prometo que lo que sigue valdra la pena de tener que pasar por mis estupidezes si tengo que pasar el resto de mi vida demonstrandotelo .
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2004 7 November :: 3.37pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: juliana theory - if i told you this was killing me , would you stop ?
if it makes you feel good , do it .
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2004 23 October :: 12.15am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: dashboard confessional - hands down
so it is fair for me to say FUCK YOU because to me , it's still your song ? i hate that you can't change the past because i'll never know how different things would be now if things didn't go the way they did . somehow my mind starts drifting around mid-december to a time i wish i couldn't remember but somehow can never seem to forget . therefore ... FUCK YOU . because to me , it's still your song .
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2004 10 October :: 10.31pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: beatles - maxwell's silver hammer
UNHAPPY ? DEPRESSED ?
The simple fact is, in order to be happy:
YOU MUST DECIDE TO BE HAPPY.
Yep. Isn't that aggravating? You can't blame it on anyone else, and no one else can do a thing for you. You've just got to decide to be happy, whether or not your logical mind thinks it is rational to be happy and whether or not your moral sense thinks you deserve to be happy. You absolutely will not be happy for any length of time until you decide to, and if you decide to, you can be happy in the face of the most miserable circumstances.
Happy deciding.
http://users.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm#questions1
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2004 16 September :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
:: Music: andy c.
susanis a winner (10:07:41 PM): i like smoking pot after sx
susanis a winner (10:07:43 PM): *sex
susanis a winner (10:07:47 PM): it's the best thing in the world
susanis a winner (10:07:49 PM): mmm
ruthann561 (10:07:54 PM): what?
ruthann561 (10:08:26 PM): umm... wrong im?
susanis a winner (10:08:31 PM): hahahahaha
susanis a winner (10:08:32 PM): oh my god
ruthann561 (10:08:34 PM): please?
susanis a winner (10:08:34 PM): i wish i was dead
ruthann561 (10:09:29 PM): first of all, i dont need to know about ur sex preferences... second of all, i really dont need to know u still smoke pot after this summer.... but thanks anyway... (although i am here for you should u want to talk about it)
susanis a winner (10:10:34 PM): okay
susanis a winner (10:10:38 PM): this conversation is very over
susanis a winner (10:10:42 PM): it was a very big mistake
susanis a winner (10:10:50 PM): haha don't go tell mom
susanis a winner (10:13:58 PM): damn
susanis a winner (10:14:04 PM): and we never talk online either
susanis a winner (10:14:56 PM): um
ruthann561 (10:14:59 PM): hah... imagine if this happened more often
susanis a winner (10:15:01 PM): so are you just not going to answer ?
susanis a winner (10:15:07 PM): oh phew
susanis a winner (10:15:08 PM): oh man
susanis a winner (10:15:09 PM): listen
susanis a winner (10:15:15 PM): that was a terrible mistake that we never need to discuss
OH MY GOD I WISH I WAS DEAD . if only you knew my sister and you would understand the TRUE NATURE of this horrible incident .
1 clever line |
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2004 11 September :: 1.42pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: alicia keys - if i ain't got you
so it all boils down to the four magical m's and i guess that's all i really need to make me happy ...
"some people want it all , but i don't want nothing at all if it ain't you . some people want diamond rings . some just want everything , but everything means nothing if i ain't got you . "
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2004 10 September :: 12.05am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: maroon 5 - sunday morning
" ... but things just get so crazy , living life gets hard to do ... "
she told me i live my life as if there were a big suitcase on the floor , only i don't know what's inside and i'm afraid there may be something in there i don't like , so i leave it lying there and just step over it everytime i come across it , ignoring what's inside . and she said to me , " you have to open that suitcase . you have to face reality ."
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2004 26 August :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: family guy
susanis a winner (8:40:17 PM): oh man
susanis a winner (8:40:20 PM): if you think you love me now
susanis a winner (8:40:25 PM): just wait until sunday rolls around .
--------- (8:40:30 PM): rolls!
--------- (8:40:32 PM): on sunday!
susanis a winner (8:40:33 PM): no no no
--------- (8:40:36 PM): woo!
susanis a winner (8:40:39 PM): that has nothing to do with this
susanis a winner (8:40:40 PM): hahaha
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painttheskywithstars
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2004 18 August :: 9.25am
:: Music: Radiohead - 'Motion Picture Soundtrack' (Acoustic)
Sinking like a stone in the sea.
The beginning of Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance is really good. Actually the whole song is pretty good. Too bad the rest of their stuff isn't so impressive. Harold and Kumar is a stupid movie, no matter what anybody tells you, it is indeed NOT the funniest movie on this planet. Old School is. Forever and always. And Anchorman. And Napoleon Dynamite is up there too. "What're you gonna do today Napoleon? WHATEVER I WANT! GOSH!!" : ) Lindsay and I saw a baby sea turtle tonight. Cute. Very cute. And there was lightning in the sky. Lightning at night always looks so surreal. Flashing behind the clouds. I guess because it's just so beautiful. Were not used to it. What makes a person considered "depressed"? Is it just because they're so weak that they have to label themselves? Have a stable disorder to blame their actions and thoughts on? Is it because they are too weak to crawl out of the dark? But it's only dark sometimes.. so it all seems so hypocrytical. They have candles. They're fine until the wind blows. And pills aren't the answer. Covering up what's r-e-a-l, seems so wrong. If you feel it, keep feeling it because it is what it is, and washing down white oval pellets with tap water isn't the way it should be. But it's the way you've conformed to. Hiding your fears and pain behind a watercolor sun that runs down the pages but you'll forget.
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2004 8 August :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: counting crows ft. vanessa carlton - big yellow taxi
it's like a silent retaliation . an answer to the questions you're yelling at me ... only you'll never hear it , just like you never hear my responses , whether they're said calmly or furiously or frustrated or beautiful and silent . so take this , plus the two from last night , and ignore them because you'll never understand . and forget that i sat and smiled even though you didn't call me down when the guests of honor arrived , and forget that i have barely left the house . notice , instead , that i'm watching television . ask me why the sudden change , although it's neither sudden nor a huge change ; if anything , a return to what used to be . describe to me my value in the fewest amount of words possible . encourage my artistic side . shoot down with filthy words my latest journals or visions of the future . dirty the purest thing i have with your selfish , inconsiderate , rude , unnecessary comments ... i can take it . just leave me the two things i have because it's all i need , and next time you see me comfortable on the couch , be sure to take into account everything i said today , if you ever do take the time to listen .
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2004 8 August :: 4.31am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: norah jones - don't know why
when you called today , it made me so happy . you're all i see ... everything around you is a blur . you're all i can focus on .
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2004 27 July :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: joss stone - the chokin' kind
sometimes some things make you unsure about whether the little things tell everything or don't really tell anything at all ... and sometimes you just don't know which way you'd prefer it to be . lo mas dificil es estar peleando para quedarte donde estas y estar feliz con lo que ya tienes pero la gente que tienes te manda mas y mas lejos con cada dia y al mismo tiempo tienes el otro lado jalandote con toda fuerzo y mil llamadas pa' ya. y para que pelear si aya es mejor en todos los sentidos ? cuando estoy aqui me quiero irme y cuando estoy aya no quiero ni pensar en lo que me esta esperando aqui . las razones se quitan una por una y todas las aciones de ellos despruevan todo lo que estoy usando para convencerme que aqui hay algo con que quedarme ... por mi , lo tengo todo decidido , pero por ellos no ... pero al fin , por quien es que voy a vivir mi vida ?
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painttheskywithstars
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2004 24 June :: 12.35am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: tori amos.
My Gramma Gert is no longer existant.
Her name will forever, from this morning on, be used in the past tense.
And I will never see her or talk to her again.
This is hard.
A pain that is uncurable.
I mean, boy troubles are measley cracks in a heart compared to the death of someone you love.
I feel like there is a weight of hurt that won't ever really be lifted.
I just hope she's somewhere so beautiful and amazing right now.
I love her.
And I will miss her.
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2004 15 June :: 1.25am
:: Mood: fuck
:: Music: Mogwai - 'Cody'
The moon is closer to the sun than I am to anyone.
I am so alone right now.
I can't stand the way I've felt all day.
Fuck.
Fresh air and music.
They'll always be there for me.
They held hands while I stared at a screen.
With no hand to hold.
My hand was left free.
Cold.
My eyes are screaming free a million things that my mind can't keep locked up and hidden.
But you don't see them. You don't hear what I have to say. You're not listening.
I don't know what direction I'm going in anymore.
I think I've run out of things to get excited about.
Things I can get insanely madly passionate about.
I have nothing to look forward to.
Nothing.
5 clever lines |
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2004 7 June :: 5.49pm
:: Mood: amazed !
:: Music: ed rush and optical with skibadee and shabba - live at one nation
man ... if this isn't paradise i don't know what is ... free vegetables and incredibly cheap coca-cola ? all i need now is my amazing boyfriend and a few of my best friends and i'd never leave ... but as it is , even cheap medicine is not enough to keep me away from them . too bad , too . haha <3
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2004 25 May :: 12.11pm
:: Mood: eating
:: Music: ludacris - game got switched
asexualityrocks (11:50:12 AM): i love manny
asexualityrocks (11:50:16 AM): like all of my friends are in love with him asexualityrocks (11:50:17 AM): and i love it
susanis a winner (11:50:33 AM): haha we always have like the same conversation .
asexualityrocks (11:50:45 AM): i know!!!
susanis a winner (11:50:56 AM): it's like "Hey what's up ?" "rolling a blunt" "smoke it with me !" "come up here , you guys can stay in my room " "alright , we'll come up tomorrow"
asexualityrocks (11:51:02 AM): its like: susan: So manny pot pot pot ?? and manny: SUSAN! Pot pot pot pot !!
asexualityrocks (11:51:27 AM): susan: pot is so amazing!! manny: What are you saying? i'm too high to understand you
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2004 24 May :: 1.49am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: shuffle on my winamp playlist
Instructions :
Step One : Put all your MP3s on your winamp playlist , press shuffle , and record the first few lines of the first twenty songs .
Step Two : Find better things to do so you can stop doing fucking stupid online journal shit .
1. 586 - So , so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell ? Blue skies from pain ?
2. 629 - I saw an old man on a street . He was in a dumpster looking for something to eat .
3. 249 - Good morning , sunshine . Awake when the sun hits the sky .
4. 266 - All alone in a broken world . Finding a new place to start .
5. 529 - Para bailar la bamba , para bailar la bamba se necesito un poca de gracia .
6 . 301 - It's yet to be determined , but the air is thick , and my hope is feeling warm .
7. 656 - There is a steel train coming through . I would take it if i could .
8. 407 - So what's the point ? To stay away ? It hurts the same .
9. 146 - Oh , as I sit under this weeping willow tree , pain and sorrow is all I feel .
10. 420 ! - When you have no light to guide you , and no one to walk beside you , I will come to you , ohh , come to you .
11. 583 - Oh I'm so glad , you know , they've all just gone home , cause finally we're here alone at last .
12. 237 - It began in Africa-ca-ca-ca-ca . It began in Africa-ca-ca-ca-ca.
13. 704 - Con unas ancias locas quiero verte hoy . Espero eso momento en que escuche tu voz .
14. 735 - Niggas ain't fuckin with this , originalis . Beats ain't bangin like this .
15. 531 - Turn it inside out so I can see the part of you that's drifting over me .
16. 865 - Do you believe ?
17. 218 - Saw it on the television . Heard it on the radio . This , in truth , is not yet the end .
18. 128 - And here's to you , Mrs. Robinson . Jesus loves you more than you will know . Oh-oh-oh .
19. 459 - Let me be patient . Let me be kind . Make me unselfish , without being blind .
20. 12 - Chelsea , baby , let's run away to some third world country .
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2004 24 May :: 1.04am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Cat Power - Wild Is The Wind
.Let me fly away with you.
With all of this
With every single drop of this..
I become a blur.
Meshing with the sky and the grass and the pavement and the ocean's bitter end.
And when it's all over, you'll look down at your burgandy soaked hands and wonder how you got here.
Every small step made in these dark halls with blind sight.. Is it worth it?
Nothing will ever change if your clouded eyes never clear.
1 clever line |
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2004 23 May :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: decisive
:: Music: hoobastank - the reason
in the back of my mind , i'm thinking infiniti SUVs and nordstrom shopping sprees , which is , essentially , what i know of him , unless you count the two point five second witty replies that first made him not so crazy and made it okay to give him my phone number . but sprawled on the couch at eleven thirteen in the morning , waiting for the food to get here so i can say my goodbyes and my thank yous and my "see you next friday"s , i'm hoping he's working on this sunny saturday morning so i have an excuse not to see him . i'm thinking , your hair is everywhere , we are sweaty because the air conditioning is one of the many things currently under repair , you have a five o'clock shadow , or is it eleven o'clock ? , and that look you're giving me , that i catch you giving me from the corner of my eye when the beat is crazy and i'm on the dance floor giving it my all , is enough to make me want to stay here forever . i'm working it all out , figuring i can wear the same outfit if i just wash it enough , and i can get a new job and go shopping eventually . i'll stay in this house , even though there's no toilet paper , and i'll just use her towel when i shower . every little thing will be alright . what will i be missing ? nice dinners and backseat dvds , and delicious desserts in spacious apartments and maybe a house . and then somebody comes downstairs and laughs at you but you smile and admit "esta chica me tiene reventado" and there's not even so much as a question anymore . just hand it to me so i can add to the dark circles and have enough energy to grab my phone and tell my mother to forward my mail . i keep wanting to translate this song and send it to you but i keep putting it off , so here is the first part ... maybe eventually i'll get up the courage to follow through .
No soy persona perfecta
Hay muchas cosas que quisieria no hacer
Pero sígo aprendiendo
Nunca quise hacerte esas cosas
Entonces te tengo que decír antes de írme que solo quiero que sepas
Encontre una razón para mi
Para cambiar la persona que era
Una razón para empezar de nuevo
Y tu eres la razón
Perdoname por herírte
Es algo que siempre voy a tener en la mente
Y todo el dolor que te e traído
Quisiera poder llevarmelo todo
Y ser la que te limpia todas tus lagrimas
Por eso necesito que
Encontre una razón para mi
Para cambiar la persona que era
Una razón para empezar de nuevo
Y tu eres la razón
Y tu eres la razón
No soy persona perfecta
Nunca quise hacerte todo eso
Entonces te tengo que decir antes de irme
Que solo quiero que sepas
Encontre una razón para mi
Para cambiar la persona que era
Una razón para empezar de nuevo
Y tu eres la razón
Encontre una razón para demonstrar
Una parte de mi que no conosiste
Una razón por todo lo que ago
Y tu eres la razón
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2004 17 May :: 2.45am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: pendulum ft. lisa lind - back to you
but i KNOW the secret . it is not , however , two sandwiches at 11:30 and a bowl of cereal accompanied by a salad at 11:05 . it is quite the opposite , actually , but the secret part two is contradicting , so where do i stand ? stuggling to fulfill part two while part one lies abandoned , but not forgotten . ignored , but creeping around in the back of my mind , skulking , annoying , challenging me to somehow rid myself of its presence because it knows that i cannot . it knows that i am past that stage where parts one and two are so happily intertwined , so easy to learn . instead , i am older and wiser , but somewhere along the way , i forgot how to make it all work together . or maybe i just gave up on trying to .
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2004 17 May :: 2.39am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: pendulum ft. lisa lind - back to you
if it ever even mattered at all , i should have known that it wouldn't in the future . the signs were there but i ignored them . the signs still are but i continue to and it just makes the hard things even harder . and i don't know how long it will be before i rip myself away , or if i ever will fully , but i hope it's soon so that i can tell myself that the future is brighter , starting right now . step one . try and get an earlier start to bed so there is less thinking going on . step two . pray that it doesn't take over my dreams , because i was never one to handle nightmares . there is so much i want to tell you but i know that i'll always just say it's nothing . i don't know why you don't know that i lie to you . i wish you could hear just one of the practiced conversations alone in my car , where i tell you what you've always done to me and what i've watched you do to me with that same smile i watch everything with . with that smile that doesn't look anything like the one that he sees , but he doesn't matter anymore , because i pushed him away when i realized he wasn't like the rest of them . when i realized that i would never sit and write an entry about why i would be better off without him in regards to my happiness , which i've always thought was my own personal goal , above anything else . it's the tears that decipher what you really mean when you say what you do , and what runs through your head when your eyes are shut tightly is always what you should pursue . if you don't start somewhere , you'll never get anywhere , so here goes step one .
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painttheskywithstars
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2004 1 May :: 3.17am
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: Pilate
In the shadow of your eyes, love and fear collide.
I'm in Port Charlotte.
I don't feel empty tonight.
+ for that.
This weekend I just want to spend time with my family.
The neverending work cycle I've managed to lose myself in really wares on me and sometimes I just think.. what if today I just say fuck it and don't go to either jobs, don't even call.. just stop going. Like Office Space. I'm just.. not gonna go. Yeah i wish.
Well we all know that won't happen but I do have this whole weekend to not care about either places.
+ for that too.
Night.
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2004 22 April :: 1.14am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Funeral for a Friend - Escape Artists Never Die
Stealing Greg's good/bad things list idea : )
Sweetness ~
Blue jean skirts, bright colors and the 80's style im sliding into..
Hanging out with Lindsay for a week straight and were still not sick of eachother! Metallica forever ;) Aw i love her.
The OC, aww poor Seth Cohennn, Summer is such a bitch.
Lindsay's sister, so nice.
Peanut Butter and banana sandwiches for breakfast.
PacSun, i'm starting to get the hang of things, and i like it, Radiohead played twice today and the whole flip flop thing still rocks.
Cute boys that i'll never, ever talk to. Man there was one in Hollister today who was totally hitting on this.. but ughhh. Maybe i should just wear a shirt that says, hi take me.
Free stuff.
Seeing my dad and family back in PC in about a week
My long time lasting record for not eating fast food, i can't even remember the last time i did, it's sick, everyone should quit it, just think, when you're biting down into that disgurting meat patty, there's like a million dirty people's hairs in it. ew, ugh, sick.
New bands, constantly. The past two weeks it's been.. The Rocket Summer (mmm, has anyone seen him, he's gorgeous) i've been listening to my Rocket Summer cd every single day for the past 5 days, it's so cheery.. annnd Park and there's two pure volume bands i can't stop listening to.. Wings of Azrael, and this chick Chelsea Logue, you gotta hear her voice, i love it.
Emery playing next Tuesday.
And now for the bad ~
I need to eat healthier and start excersizing. I think i'm just gonna start swimming lots at the pool, cuz working out is like going to the f'ing dentist to me. I hate it.
Fridays. Fuck it.
I wanna cuddle!
Working twice a day.
Chocolate cravings.
Guys that laugh at their own cheesy jokes.
Haters.
Awkward telephone conversations.
Ya know what.. it was actually really hard to make the bad list.. that's awesome. I think it's cuz me and linds have been hangin out non stop, a lot of the negativity is blown away when were together cuz we have so much fun and laugh so much. <3
So i have work from 11-5 at Friday's tomorrow. Bah. That place screams negativity. Hope all is well with everyone that reads this.
.Peace&Love.
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2004 20 April :: 1.34am
:: Mood: empowered
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come to Fear The Most
.walking away, it's not the same as running.
so much to say but no words to say it
i'd bury these wrongs forever if you could promise me i'd never worry again
but i know
that i will
and i know
that you won't
so for now
i'll replace you with things that don't matter
i'll forget..
to keep sanity
to keep some love in this heart
forgotten for now, just pretend.
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2004 17 April :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: Drained
:: Music: The Rocket Summer - 'Cross My Heart'
Another day gone and i'm still here waiting.
Worked A LOT today. I'm beginning to wonder if having two jobs is worth it. I mean, it's a lot of work and takes so much out of me. Meh.. i wish money fell from the sky. Why can't it?! Bah. Driving home, i still felt lonely. I know, yeah, whatever, sometimes I have that whole I don't need anyone else frame of mind.. but meh things change, moods change, and now i just feel really alone. I want to be in love again. This kid i used to want sooo bad came into PacSun tonight. He looked so hot and smelled so good. Kind of like a cupcake, but in a cologne good smelling form. Well anyway, he's so hot.. he gave me his number like a month ago, and do you think i called?! Hell no. Way too scared to do that shit. I really like what im listening to. Lindsay and I are gonna go get some dinner, prob at the Alehouse, and tomorrow have the entire day off, that.. is a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL thing.. im goin to the beach ALL day. Heaven, that's what it'll be.
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2004 16 April :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: shitty
:: Music: Copeland - 'When Paula Sparks'
. it's a glorious day and my lonely heart is tired again .
I'm sick of being the only one without a hand to hold on to..
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2004 13 April :: 5.15pm
:: Mood: Meh
:: Music: Mars Volta - Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt
Ughhh F fridays.. serrriously.
Wudduuup. Ya know, last night i only got like 3 and a half hours of sleep and then i had to go into PacSun at 10 am and im wide awake now which is weird. Working there kinda gives me that icky being at the dentist's office too long sorta feeling. But meh i'll get used to it. And we get to wear flip flops.. woo.. i seriously can't think of anything more amazing than wearing flip flops to work. So i got off around 2 and went to quizno's with Lindsay Pecaroo and Ryan and hung out at Ryan's house for a little while afterwards. Good times, lotsa laughs, and in about 40 minutes i gotta be to work agaiiin. Man, i hate that place. K just kidding.. im kinda tired. Fuuuck. Shows coming up.. Mae/Sugarcult/Maxeen.. annnd.. Emery/The Beautiful Mistake. I dunno.. i just saw Mae and im not too into the other bands but we'll see. K i need to get ready for work.. this entry was a pure time killer, not in any way interesting, but alas.. i do not care.
PEACE MOTHER F'ERS
<3
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2004 11 April :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: Silverstein - 'Giving Up'
Man.. f easter candy, i feel sick.
Well.. they played it. Something Corporate did Konstantine and it was amazing. I've never been more in love with a song than i was last night. Good show, a lotta rowdy kids but still good. Sleeping At Last, they played first and they're pretty good, bought the cd. Happy Easter kids, get drunk on pastel colors and chocolate bunnies!
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painttheskywithstars
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2004 8 April :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: whole
:: Music: Cold - Bleed, Cat Power - What Would the Community Think (the album)
You can stop the world but you won't change me.
It's too bad about this whole having to pay thing. It's cheap but meh, i'm not gonna pay to have people read about my life, if you wanna know, call me. Anyway, i'll take advantage of the little time i have left with this here journal of mine. I'm kinda gonna miss it. My favorite entry will always be the one i wrote about my ex and his stupid toy. I've experienced heartbreak, and since then, i've moved on, something i truly thought i'd never be able to do. And now, im fine and working two jobs and my options are open. I feel good about a lot of things, yet still i have my moments of sadness. Blame it on being a girl, that's how we are i guess, blame it on my music, blame it on the way i want everything in my life to be just like a movie.. blame it on the fucking moon for all i care. The point is, i like who i am right now.. i like what im doing and i like that i can say i do believe i've grown up a lot since a year and a half ago, when i first started writing in here.
Life for me right now is.. exactly the way i want it to be.
With all of that said.. let's move on..
Yellowcard and Something Corporate is on Saturday. Ya know.. shows like that would be even more awesome if they told certain people tickets were sold out.. i just hate fighting to see a band i love because the girl with the trucker hat on next to me wants to be within reaching distance of Andrew's ass. BUT.. i'll block it out, because it's sure to be a kick ass show. Seriously though.. if Something Corporate plays Konstantine.. i really think i'll die.. just fall over and die happily, because that song is the essence fucking beauty. I could listen to it repeatidly for the rest of my life and still never get sick of it. And if they don't play it, I'll be pretty upset, i hope, i hope, i hopeee. Today was my second day working at PacSun. I was on the registers, i caught on pretty quick but there was a few things i messed up on, nothing huge though, just like gift certificates and store promotions and stuff. People are so nice in clothing stores though, as opposed to customers at Fridays i guess cuz they're hungry and grumpy and meannn. At PacSun people are like hiii do you think this looks gooddd? I think once i get to know the other people who work there better i'll really start to like it a lot. Lindsay works there but only at night, and me in the day. And.. can't hate that 30% discount, though i'm not really into brand names. Meh there's just something about being a walking promotion. I prefer style over status.
And..
Well...
I guess that's about it.
Gotta work at Friday's tonight, 6-12.. asked my manager when i could be a server, he said probably in about a month. And that my friends will be a wonderful time because i could really use the cash.
I love everyone.. even you
peace.
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sendmemoney
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2004 6 April :: 2.32am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: mariah carey - underneath the stars
it's an almost overwhelming sense of despair that begins to set in when i enter . i can smell it before my key is even in the lock , and the oblivious smile from one makes me realize that perhaps it is a sixth sense , while the obviously overly cheerful smile from the other confirms my suspicions . i'm eighteen , not nineteen , i want to yell . i want to cry , scream , jump over this white countertop and rip out your eyes with my bare hands , while he sits unsuspecting , blowing out candles . i avoid all eye contact because i am afraid of what will happen if it is made . for that one brief moment , our eyes meet , and i know that the hurt and disappointment in my eyes will mean nothing tomorrow , if anything today . i should be used to this by now , she reminds me , as you smile for the camera . i reach for the knife and soap both sides before sliding it into the dishwasher . i go upstairs to reapply the eyeliner that has faded because it is unfortunately not waterproof , to go somewhere that i know will only add to my increasingly fading emotions . i should stay . i should go downstairs and tell you i hate you to your face while i still have the chance . instead , i leave . before i reach the halfway point to my destination , i know i should turn the car around and go anywhere else . take my car to south county regional park and bury my heart somewhere in the sand beneath the slide , where it's not so readily available to you . instead , i ask you why you wore that shirt , when you know i'm a sucker for blue eyes . you kiss me , and i know why , and at that moment , i don't care more than i do .
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