Leeder

:: 2003 3 June :: 5.05pm

not mine...
teenage heartbreak...it's beautifully fucking miserable..

:: 2003 2 June :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Poe- Lemon Meringue

So the other day, went and found me a lover
Had a little hustle down under the covers
It was delicious to me.

Can't you see me there, daydreaming of the future
Oh my god I painted such a pretty picture
My friends, he never got back to me.

So my series of odd dreams lately seem to follow that pattern. I must wonder what it all means.

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:: 2003 2 June :: 12.40am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: ? - The Killing Moon (from Donnie Darko)

I feel really, really good. I can't remember the last time I've felt this in control of myself and my life. I suprised myself so much this weekend. My actions and reactions to the week's events. I'm not done yet, of course I'll never be done, but I say right at this point I'm about halfway there. Some little kinks that need to be ironed out, but the beautiful thing about this personality overhaul is that the farther I get, the easier it becomes to deal with the rest. And that's what it is. I think, for me anyway, it's necessary to completely overhaul the person you are to adapt to where you are at that point in your life. My last one came at the turn of the century, so that's 3 and 1/2 years, yeah it was time for another. I'm so glad that I started the diet; it's the smartest thing I've done in a long time. Such a positive self-image right now. Good decisions. Decisions period.

It's a work a progress, but I'm shaping up pretty well.

Stef, you remember when I told you about the person I really am when we were having trouble at school? This is him. Normally, I'd second guess myself and question how long this is going to last, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not afraid anymore.

:: 2003 31 May :: 2.07am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond

So, I'll get the crappy thing out of the way first. I arrived home from the evening's festivities, attempting to be extra special super quiet because my dad told me my step-aunt would be sleeping on the couch. I discover she is not on the couch, but instead in my bed... grr. I mean it's their house and all, but he told me that she would be sleeping on the couch and then reneged on it. I mean, there's no apparent reason that she should need my bed unless she has a doctor's note that says she can't sleep on couches. So now I'm trying to cook up reasons why I should be pissed about it and things that I need in there... so far all I have is my CDs and my mesh shorts. Oh well.

Now for the good stuff. Concert was friggin' spectacular... god I love the Foo Fighters. Started off shitty, it was supposed to start at 7:30 and the very decent opening band whose name escapes me at the moment... ::checks online:: The Jealous Sound didn't come on until 8:10, which worked out spectacular (insert sarcasm here) because we had to get to Blodgett by 11pm for Stef's MRI. They were good, but Stefanie's cold starting to kick her ass, so we had to go up in the seats. Worked out good though, still had a pretty good view and I was straight across this fellow I used to work with at Studio 28. Didn't say hi though... I have a strange tendency to not acknowledge those chance meetings if I didn't know or really care about the person. Anyway, good songs, Dave Grohl is hilarious and all that. Monkey Wrench and Stacked Actors made me want to splooge myself, etc. etc. We had to leave before the encore in order to make it to the hospital on time, and we did after driving around construction of the city (gotta love GR roads). MRI went without a hitch once we got the paperwork straightened out. For some reason, I really like hospitals, just the atmosphere. That sounds morbid, but I have very few aversive memories to associate with hospitals, and that's probably a good thing. Anyway, I'm sick of updating (I had planned a short entry stating "Tonight was a good night" but I figured I should offer something a little more meaty). Well, I'm going to read a bit then hit the hay IN TYLER'S ROOM... hehe, I'm fine, I promise.

"It's times like these you learn to live again..."

:: 2003 29 May :: 3.55pm
:: Mood: crappy

I...am....sick.

on top of my beautiful brain tumor I have been blessed with the head and chest cold from hell.

ah, sweet kisses, i'm paying the price for them now....

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:: 2003 26 May :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: frustrated

I hate to say it but sometimes my friends are all fucking retarded.

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:: 2003 26 May :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: healthy
:: Music: Chris Isaak - Don't Leave Me On My Own

if you come back here, i'll fix the place up...
The Meijer blood pressure/health information station told me I was in good shape today... I share my stats.

Blood Pressure - Systolic: 120 (Normal)
Blood Pressure - Diastolic: 65 (Optimal)
Pulse: 65
Health Rating: Excellent
Health Risk: Very Low
Body Mass Index: 23.4
Weight (before emptying the contents of my pockets): 164
Weight (after emptying the contents of my pockets): 163

That weight suprised the hell out of me... that would mean that I've lost a good 7-10 pounds as of late. Groovy.

Also found out that we got our apartment for the fall, we just have to take care of the paperwork when they call and we are good to go.

I cleaned for like two hours today. The upstairs of my house is sparkly clean. I had Denny's today. I didn't have to work.

Jesus, what the hell do I have to be unsatisfied about? Ahh, don't worry, I'll think of something, I always do... ;-)

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:: 2003 25 May :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: strong
:: Music: Coldplay - Politik

This is a testament to my ability to overcome... I'm doing well so far.

The goal, and true challenge, is not the outcome, but intstead my reaction to it.

Excuse me, I have some business to take care of...

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:: 2003 25 May :: 12.13am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: David Byrne - Like Humans Do

i'm breathing in, i'm breathing out...
So I guess I should update since it's been so long, but to tell you the truth, I don't feel like writing. I mean, I have stuff to say, but I don't feel like I have anything good to say. I guess that's a good sign, that I've been more level-headed and calmer as of the past week or so... still, it takes some of the fun out of it. I do need some stability at this point in my life though. I was talking to Dana at work last night and I told him how I've been to bed before midnight the past few nights, and how rare that is, and he joked that that meant I was getting old. I've been going to bed early because I've been sick, but I think there's some truth there. Anyway, things are better, but something's missing... maybe not. I'm able to deal with things better, able to bring myself down from anxiety sooner, etc. etc. I'd like a vacation. With Stefanie. That would be nice... lying on some warm beach somewhere. Forgive my incoherent rambling...

Trying to have a party tomorrow. So far, I'm forgetting to major objectives. 1) Get alcohol. 2) Invite guests. Damn. Not like that many people come to my parties anymore anyway. :-( I need to go to my mom's. I wonder if Tyler's ever going to return home. I wonder... well, that's all I wonder about.

General sigh. ::doesn't want to work tomorrow::

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:: 2003 24 May :: 10.00pm

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous) High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme
Level 7 (Violent) Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

:: 2003 22 May :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Better Than Ezra- Good

it was good, living with you...uh-oh...
well, woohu seems to be doing crazy things with friends pages but i'm just gonna roll with it...
everyone really seems to be baring their souls in their journals lately...i think thats cool. i guess i can try to follow in the same pattern...
jason and i had some major issues now, but at least now they SEEM like they're coming to a close, I don't know...I'm sure, however, that he will correct me if I'm wrong..
class is kicking my ass, I really hate being occupied like that for the greater portion of my week (5:30-9:30 Mon-Thurs), I'm scared that I'll lose all my motivation and fail and ruin everything...I guess I'm in a negative mood lately.
so i finally went to the doctor about my headaches/blackouts/dizzy spells and its all a big mess. turns out i have orthostatic hypotension, which means my blood pressure drops A LOT when I stand up...but thats probably not all. they scheduled me for a CAT scan but then the doctor called me later today and said it was IMPERATIVE that I go to an MRA and MRI on a different day...its the same night as the foo fighters concert, but i dont go in until 11pm so i think it should all work out.. stressful stuff, just hoping i dont have a brain tumor or something strange like that...my head just hasnt been screwed on right lately.
its odd that my severely bizarre mental state might actually be tied to my medical issues...i'd love to explain my spaced-outedness by talking about a brain abnormality that i have. but we'll see....

:: 2003 20 May :: 1.15am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Counting Crows - Amy Hit The Atmosphere

things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better, and that's all that really matters to me...
Hmm... after my pep talk entry today, I was surfing online and discovered some stuff on WebMD, and now I'm fully convinced that I have OCD. The only decision left is what to do about it. Do I continue to try and cope by myself or do I concede and seek help? I think either way I'm going to talk to my mom, ask for some advice, and possibly have her contact Terry to set up an appointment or find me somebody. I've just been so stubborn for so long about this, thinking I could deal with it, and now I'm questioning that. To me, it seems like the first time you get glasses. Once you put them on for the first time you realize how you are really supposed to see the world. I'm just surmising all of this, I realize this. I picked up a few books at the library today about OCD and Buddhist meditation techniques, so I'm going to give the self-help rountine one last go. I also read a study about St. John's Wort as a possibly effective treatment for it, so I picked up some of that as well today. Don't really expect it to have a profound effect, but I figure it can't hurt anything. I remained optimistic for a good portion of the day, but what was most disheartening today was one of the symptoms I was reading about today was the drive to overcome the disability, only to fail and slip back into the same patterns of behavior and thought. I know my situation is not that severe, and it may not be having profoundly affecting my life, but there is an effect there, and I am on this whole "better myself" kick as of late, and my progress elsewhere is definitely reinforcing.

I wish I knew what was really going on with her. It just seems like she's holding so much back, and only offering me scraps when I really bother her about it. I just feel so in the dark about the situation. She hasn't been herself for a little while now. I want to help, I just need to know how.

"Well, Amy hit the atmosphere
Caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter
And she's never coming back I fear"

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:: 2003 20 May :: 12.53am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: RHCP- Can't Stop

The world I love, the tears I drop...To be part of the wave, can't stop....Choose not a life of imitation..
i'm getting the feeling that something's missing. i'm just not satisfied with anything the way it is right now..

i talked to kal and he helped me sort through a bit of it. but it doesnt mean that i know how to fix it.

i've just wandered through a week of my life feeling like I don't matter. I don't feel like I have a significant impact on anything.

I wish I knew how to change that.

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:: 2003 19 May :: 2.04pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Badly Drawn Boy - Bedside Story

So here's what we are going to try: letting go of all the excess fat, giving everything that is unncessary up and simply living my life in a simple fashion, with simple rules and simple decisions. Maintaining a balance between trying to improve myself, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and not getting too stressed out in the process of trying to maintain that balance. Doing both what needs to be done, as well as what makes me happy, and removing everything else.

I feel good right now. I just have to remember to breathe.