Leeder

Leeder

:: 2004 2 August :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: pleased
:: Music: Nellie McKay - Sari

So, today was good, because I accomplished quite a bit. But the best part of today was that I accomplished what I had set out to do, and that's about it. No lofty goals to get everything that's on my plate done in one day, and I didn't get taken in by a feeling of overwhelming anxiety about it all. Some of the things I accomplished today, in no particular order:

1) Got the most expensive oil change of my life
2) Got a decent haircut from Great Clips
3) Went apartment shopping, found a really nice place, several hundred yards from where I live now
4) Bought socks
5) Went laptop shopping
6) Used up one of my remaining visits at MegaTanz
7) Took advantage of Rent One, Get One Free Monday at Video Hits (The Statement & The Fog of War)
8) Bought a fair amount of groceries for under $30
9) Made this journal entry

This song does a decent job of paraphrasing how I feel about the world these days. It�s not that I hate it, I�m just a little disillusioned. That, and I want to get Nellie McKay some free publicity, because I think she�s a real fresh and talented voice.

Read more..

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 2 August :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: re"insert choice word here"
:: Music: The Wallflowers - The Difference

the only difference that i see/is that you are exactly the same as you used to be...
::thick British accent:: Right then, let's have another go at it, shall we?

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 1 August :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: suprised

See, all this time, I've been worrying about my life, my future, and it turns out I don't have to worry at all... 'cause I'm already married. Wow, when did I find the time?!

Look.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 1 August :: 8.04pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: Franz Ferdinand - Dark of the Matinee

Here's another thing...
Once temporal paradoxes are no longer a concern, I'm going to hook up with a future version of myself. This doppleganger is going to shield me from the things I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with at the moment...

Most of the things that have ruined this day have been things that I shouldn't have heard or seen, things that people told me that I really didn't need to know. Things that only fed the hungry beast of my insecurities.

And another thing... all this stuff with me about reinventing myself; maybe I can put it into some sort of perspective now. It's not that I'm so deadset on changing myself, reinventing myselfing, whatever... it's that I discovered through my trials and tribulations of this year that I absolutely thrive on reviving myself from a desperate mood. The rush of self-confidence, the fresh new feeling that comes from building myself back up... it's one that's so addicting that I'll seearch for opportunties to drop myself only to pick myself back up again. Hey, never said it was healthy or anything.

Beyond that, there just isn't much to write home about, y'know?

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 1 August :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Foreigner - Head Games

Hey, how about this, you bunch of fuckin' assholes... maybe once you collective group of shitheads could try and pick out something positive that I've done, instead of either telling me that I'm doing something wrong or just generally being an asshole or a bitch. Here are the reasons why I hate my job:

I hate you for being a bitch, knowing it, and flaunting your bitchiness to get your rocks off.
I hate you for not being there when you're supposed to be being supportive.
I hate you for thinking that, just like countless others have.
I hate you for playing with my emotions and misleading me, and without the courage to be upfront about it.
I hate you for still being there.
I hate you for going bald and having a gut.
I hate you for being short and being an ass.
I hate you for being perhaps the biggest, most obnoxious ass I know.
I hate you for being one of the most annoying people I know, and yet still have a good heart that I can't hold against you.
I hate you simply for who you are and who you represent as a person. Try an ounce of compassion for once in your life, it wouldn't kill you.
I hate you for being a phony. You always have been, and you always will be. And for all the people you've hurt along your way.
I hate you for carrying yourself like you have an IQ in the double digits.
I hate you simply because of the way you laugh.

And there's more, but those are the ones that jump out at me right now. The most amazing part of that is that each of those is a different person. Granted, I probably don't hate a quarter to a half of said people, but... GRR.

Save Big Money, fuck that. I'm out ASAP. Talk about a hostile working environment, and none of them have a fucking clue, I'm sure.

Now, to be fair, I'll attempt an equalizer:
I like you because you are a great father, a nice guy, and a good boss.
I like you because you are a decent person to talk to, and a seemingly good boyfriend.
I like you because you seem so much more above everything else there. Different plain, and I barely know you.
I like you, because I kinda have to. But I do anyway.
I like you because a 10 minute conversation can rescue an entire day.

If that seems a little lopsided, it's not out of lack of effort.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 31 July :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: concerned
:: Music: Staind - Price To Play

I, on the other hand, am a "polite behemoth who loves to corrupt cunts."

Well, that puts everything in perspective, doesn't it?

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 31 July :: 12.04am
:: Mood: inquisitive
:: Music: Moby - Porcelain

in my dreams/i'm jealous all the time.
What is about relationships and love that requires constant reaffirmation? "Do you love me?" "Why do you love me?" And the like. Even when you've that the person is right in front of you, is giving you their undivided attention, giving all of themself to you... why are we still unsure? Have we all been hurt so bad in the relatively short time we've spent in the relationship arena? Is it intrisnic or it is learned instead? Is it an age thing; does it go away with a long-term relationship and stability? Is it just women and myself, or do most guys feel the same way and just hide it better? If I ever said or suggested I was above that paranoia, that jealousy... well, I was just being a liar, a hypocrite, and a guy. I think it's a normal and necessary thing though, that need for assurance and that perceived lack of footing. I mean, you roll the dice and put your feelings in the possession of another, it's bound to make you a little edgy. But hey, you can't win if you don't play the game.

By the way, I don't mean for all these journal enteries to sound so depressing as of late. I'm not depressed when I write these words, in fact, for the most part these days, I'm pretty happy. Contentment is completely different story, but no matter. I can't really put a finger on where it all comes from, but it's there nonetheless.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 30 July :: 8.07pm
:: Mood: superfluous
:: Music: U2 - Even Better Than The Real Thing

I'm not entirely sure I like this list yet (maybe it'll grow on me after I get it posted). It seemed a bit rushed, incomplete, and not really sure of what it wanted to be. I attempted to make a list of the 50 Best Songs of All Time, but not necessarily my top 50 all-time personal favorites. This is much more difficult than for, say, a list of top movies. You can think a song is one of the greatest ever made and not necessarily run to it every time on the playlist. Movies are usually more clear cut; usually, your favorites you also usually consider the best made. Nonetheless, I think there's some pretty solid picks on here, although I'm sure you'll find something to pick apart. I listed just the name of the song, as many of these enteries have been covered many times. All that aside, I present it nonetheless:

Top 50 Songs of All-Time
1) One (U2 version)
2) Tiny Dancer
3) All Along The Watchtower
4) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) You Can�t Always Get What You Want
6) What A Wonderful World
7) I Will Survive
8) Another Brick In The Wall, pt. 2
9) Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These)
10) Piano Man
11) American Woman
12) November Rain
13) Something I Can Never Have
14) Like A Friend
15) Under The Bridge
16) Maggie May
17) Clocks
18) Once In A Lifetime
19) Long Black Veil
20) (I Can�t Get No) Satisfaction
21) Smells Like Teen Spirit
22) Total Eclipse Of The Heart
23) The Time Warp
24) I�ll Stand By You
25) Wonderwall
26) Bittersweet Symphony
27) Comfortably Numb
28) Return To Innocence
29) Your Song
30) I Still Haven�t Found What I�m Looking For
31) Losing My Religion
32) Jeremy
33) Baba O�Riley
34) Loser
35) Sympathy For The Devil
36) Crash Into Me
37) Let It Be
38) My Immortal
39) Hurt
40) Float On
41) Fell In Love With A Girl
42) Imagine
43) Stan
44) Raindrops Keep Fallin� On My Head
45) Enter Sandman
46) Where The Wild Roses Grow
47) Mr. Blue Sky
48) Brothers In Arms
49) Landslide
50) The Freshman

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 28 July :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: rejuvenated
:: Music: U2 - Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I feel stifled by this town, this state, this life. A fresh start is all I craze. New job, new school, new friends, new location, new everything. A new life.

There is too much stimuli in my life... too many souvernirs, too many trinkets, too many thoughts, too many people, too many responsiblities. And each a reminder of a life I don't want to live anymore. Simplification; that's what this is all about.

I've always been taken in by the myth of the Phoenix. Being reborn from its own ahses and all that. Something so poetic, so visceral, so significant.

I need to die to be reborn. In a way, I already have died. Every step I take is another I cannot retread.

I think I arrived a year early for my new life, and now all I can do is wait around and pass the time until it happens to me.

Simplify.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 28 July :: 9.35pm

Jason, stop fighting it. It will come, if you give up.

I have to give in to my destiny, to what an innumerable number of variables have already decided. My outcome has already been decided, though it's still being written. It's just a matter of how long I'm going to stand around, banging my head against the same immovable concrete wall.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 28 July :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: accomplished yet again
:: Music: 311 - I'll Be Here Awhile

Knocked another large obstacle out of the graduate process by registering for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination) today. It's basically the ACT/SAT for graduate school. The nice thing about this all is that if you are lucky enough to be going into one of eight subjects (of which Psychology is included), you get to take the General test as well as a specialized Subject test, tailored to your field. Now, you might say to yourself, "Jason, those kinds of standarized tests must be expensive!" and my friend, you would be correct. The General test is taking me for $115 and the Subject test is raping me for a whopping $130.

Test dates are as scheduled:
General test - Saturday, October 2
Subject test - Saturday, November 13

Wish me luck.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 27 July :: 10.54am
:: Music: Cake - Never There

My stepmother asked me recently about my journal, "How can you feel comfortable putting all that stuff online for the whole word to see?" I didn't really have an answer then (it was more of a rhetorical question anyway), but I have a rough idea now. I can share a large portion of myself with my friends and with people I've never even met because I believe that we are all going the same thing, sharing the same triumphs and heartbreaks; it's just the particulars that are a little different. By purging (parts of) myself on a regular basis, I hope to rid myself on said things. Granted, it's never really worked all that well, but that doesn't mean I'm about to stop trying; besdies, talking about it helps to deal with (whether "it" is a good or bad thing).

Hmm, that sounded sappier than I wanted it to be.

Yeah, I don't really want to end on that note, but alas, I've got nothing.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 26 July :: 12.39am
:: Music: Moby - Extreme Ways

i broke everything new again/everything that i'd owned...
I really have a profound respect and admiration for the Jason Bourne film series. In an cinematic environment were action films are often equated with overblown budgets, acting, explosions, etc., there is something so simple, yet effective about the two Bourne films that have been released. They remind me of an extremely hard-working and dependable team member that you, as a boss, come to rely upon. They arrive to work every day, on time and ready to do their job; and that's exactly what they do, and then they clock out again at 5. They're quiet, keep to themself most of the time, but are very personable and polite whenever you talk to them. They get the job done, and they look pretty good in the process. And they make the rest of the team look better as well.

Great car chase scene as well. Grade: B+

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 25 July :: 1.07pm
:: Mood: woozy
:: Music: White Stripes - Dead Leaves & Dirty Ground

So, there's this period of time within a hangover that I love. It's after you do your usual hangover rountine (eat, take meds, take a shower, etc.) but before everything clears up. You still feel crap, but your blood starts circulating and you make a giant leap from feeling like total shit to just feeling like crap. You can feel yourself progressively getting better. That's a cool feeling.

I want to be British. Actually, to tell you the truth, I'd be happy with just the accent.

"You're such an inspiration to the ways that I will never, ever choose to be." A Perfect Circle, "Judith"

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