St. Robinson's Cadillac dream

:: 2002 31 July :: 5.54pm
:: Music: the bathwater

i'm so exhausted
i just got home from lunch with kevin at 5:30, and we met at 12:30. ...he's exhausting though. like i feel like i haven't slept in days trying to keep up with his train of thought for 5 hours. he's pretty laid back and cool though, these days. this is how i imagined it to be back in 6th grade. hanging out-no strings attatched, friends... whatever. i don't know what i'm talking about anymore. just waiting for a ride to aaron's. i don't even know if i want to go.. i kind of want to curl up in a little ball and sleep the day away..

:: 2002 31 July :: 5.54pm
:: Mood: annoyed

What Was Your PastLife?

leftofcool

:: 2002 31 July :: 3.47pm

so yesterday was... i dont know... at about 5 i went to pick up allison at joe devereux's... we smoked a fat bowl, had a beer, then allison and i came back to my house, had a glass of vino... then my parents called and asked if i wanted to go to dinner... and i said hey, free food... but allison had just eaten a pizza so she didnt want to go so i took her home. and when i was dropping her off, jon called. so i asked if he wanted free food and he did. so we went to dinner with the units. then when it was over, i got a message from kristin saying that she had to pick up dana way earlier than what was originally planned... so now i feel badly... anyway, yeah. today i had to go to the neurologist which sucked a fatty... but i have to go into the hospitol for a sleep study next week which also sucks. but maybe they will figure something out... who knows...

:: 2002 31 July :: 12.05pm
:: Mood: amused

YELLOW

You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.

Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

1 freedom fighter | free tibet

:: 2002 30 July :: 2.57pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: jack johnson

slow down everyone.... you're moving too fast
last night was a night of.... discoveries. maybe more self-discovery than anything but i also discovered some things about aaron... and lowell.. and allie.
as with allie, i didn't want to hang out with aaron last night. too much seriousness. i just wanted to kick back and make dinner and talk and laugh... not try to figure out his every move, and what to avoid and what to take in... i didn't want to figure anything out last night, but i ended up figuring out a lot of things.
maybe it was because i had such a great time with lil during dinner, and then got so seriously thrown when she had to leave, that put me in the bad mood. or maybe it was because allie seemed like she didn't want to be there, or the fact that aaron just cant be... he just can't chill. maybe it was all of those rolled together but by the end of the night, i was just... angry.
everything aaron has said lately has contradicted something he said in the past. i started to realize that. the things that i realized about myself were just sad things though... i think i'm one of the most selfish people i've ever met. use and lose is an understatement... i just can't explain it, but i tried to say it to allie last night... at like 2am... and i think she got it. now that i know that i can "get" aaron... my attraction to him is slowly losing ground. he's still hot, and funny.... but me wanting him is almost nonexistent anymore. and once i started thinking about that.. i started thinking about other people i've like in the past... and most of them have ended up in the exact same way, although most of them we stayed friends. but. the desire just.. disappears.
except for one. lowell. maybe its because i never fully realized that i could "have" him or maybe its beccause... he's so different from every other guy i've ever met. the desire.. the... attraction has never dwindled, only intensified since i know him so well now.
aaron again... i don't want him anymore. i just don't. i want to be his friend, and that's it. he invited me over to his house tomorrow night to spend the night... no rents at his house.. and my dad doesn't care about stuff like that so its all green lights from here. but... if i knew that he would just want to hang out, watch movies, and talk i would be all for this... but. i know that's not the case. ehhhh... i guess its just something to do. somewhere to go. but i've gotta figure my head out. before the days over.

:: 2002 30 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: whatever

So I leave for Mexico tomorrow. I'm almost done packing. Which, is amazing. Sarah's still asleep, i don't know how that girl can ever be tired. She sleeps so damn much, heh.

So last night was awkward. Aaron and Lil came over. He made us pasta and we all just laughed and that was fine. My mom wasn't there, so there wasn't any tensiom at first...which was good. So he had to go somewhere and Lil and Sarah decided to go swim in their underwear. I cleaned the kitchen. So they go swim and Aaron comes back and we sat, and i was just kiinda out of it i guess. Chris was supposed to come, but he couldn't make it and i guess that's what was wrong. I just really didn't want to see Aaron. I didn't want to have such seriousness around. Not then. Not on the last night i could see everyone.So he was all trying to figure out what was wrong and i just wanted to throw him in the pool. So he eventually got in too. And Lil had to go so I watched Sarah and Aaron swim. And i really think i fell asleep at one point...heh. So I don't know really what all went on, but we got out after a little bit and thought there was a murderer in the house beause the tv had magically turned off and the front door was unlocked. Wow, i was scared shitless. So Sarah went and changed and Aaron and i sat in the kitchen and he just stared at me. And i wanted him to stop so badly. And I'm sure he was gonna try and kiss me so i just laid my head down on the counter. It was like you fucker, you just made out with my best friend and now you want me? Argh. So Sarah came back and we ate ice cream and Aaron left at midnight or so and he hugged me and told me he wanted to see me today. Yea, that's not happening. And we hugged and of course he had to slip his fingers half way up my shirt. He hugged Ray, and left. And it was so strange.

So we went upstairs and talked to Charlie who said he could get us some pot and that was fun. So we'll hopefully be seeing him today...

Yea, so Sarah's starting the whole moving process. Damn, I still have clothes to pack. Fun times.

leftofcool

:: 2002 29 July :: 9.16pm

too tired to move...

Punk in drublic anyone?

Click here to take the WHAT PUNK BAND ARE YOU test

What kind of drunk are you?

:: 2002 29 July :: 1.55pm

1 freedom fighter | free tibet

:: 2002 29 July :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: aggravated

two different things going on today.... ahhhh i don't know if i'm up to either of them, but we'll see.

Saturday night was good... the last 5 minutes were my favorite though...

:: 2002 29 July :: 1.47am
:: Mood: awake

Answer questions using lyrics from only one band.

Band: Dashboard Confessional

1. Are you male or female?:
So she says
"everyones going to a party
won't you come if i come
with a friend
for your friend?
i'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom
wearing the smile
that i bring you"

2. Describe yourself?:
I try on my blue shirt
she told me she liked it
she wonders where I went
she knows knows just what she'll wear

she always wears blue
Some sneakers or flip flops
I'm starting to panic
remember
she asked you
remember
to breathe
and the memory fades
...we'll be okay ....

The harder I push
the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite
but I can always
be wrong
...Try not to be wrong.

3. How do they feel about you?:
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.
...
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles
and shining eyes
and perfect makeup
but you're barely scraping by...
you're barely scraping by....

4. How do you feel about yourself?:
(my) sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:
I'm not sure of anyone
But I've got plans...
I'm not asking for everything
But sure I could use a hand
...Never really mastered disinterest
I can't see how the way
that you leave me alone
makes us close
I must be out of touch..
I won't ask you to give up
on the things that seem
to keep you gone
But I can be gone too...

your legs are smooth
as they graze mine
we're doing fine
we're doing nothing at all...

The words are hushed
lets not get busted,
just lay entwined here
undiscovered.
safe from the earth
and all the stupid questions..
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near,
stay close they can't hear,
so we can get some.

...Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.

...i'd like to see you undone

6. What would you rather be doing?:
As for me
I wish that I were
anywhere
with anyone
making out....

7. Describe where you live?:
this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.
Wandering the house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now...
...
This basement's a coffin
I'm buried alive.
I'll die in here just to be safe.
I'll die in here just to be safe.

8. Describe how you live?:
all I want are vows of silence now...
we're saying aloud
the things we've declared
in our silence.
The new coats of paint
will not reaquaint
broken hearts to broken homes.

...dashing the dirt on the cold glass.
talking of big smack
and playing the fool
and wearing all of the latest fashions,
bucking the new trends
and wearing (my) old threads

9. Describe how you love?:
Consider the odds,
consider the obvious.
...
Hope has sprung a perfect dive
a perfect day,
a perfect lie.
A slowly crafted monologue
conceding your defeat.
Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?

10. Share a few words of wisdom?:
sleep with all the lights on
bearing your mattress
bearing your soul

What obscure band are you?

:: 2002 28 July :: 3.15am
:: Music: Incubus~under my Umbrella

:: 2002 28 July :: 2.00am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Sublime~Garden Grove

I am so fucking tired i'm having troubles functioning. I went to my mom's midnight dress rehersal last night at Muny for Camelot. Wow, way too many gay hot boys...eh i saw Michael, he made me smile. So the run through actually went pretty quick, it usually goes 12-5. But we ended at like 4:30. So we get home at around 5:30 because she stopped and talked to people. Yea, i'm rambling...so i woke up around 12 because ray called. She and Lil are comin over at 3:30. Yea, good thing i'm dressed and everything...

Ahhh, i leave for Mexico wednesday. That should be fun. Neither one of my parents there...ahh i'm lookin forward to that one. All you have to do is be able to see over the bar...heh. Good deal.

Yea, so my mom just left for rehersal and my pops is out of town. Heh. Good, good. Opening night is tomorrow so no one will be here from 10-12...hmm. Tomorrow could be a fun day...Oh, i forgot i'm not supposed to have guys over or drink...right, that's gonna happen. Funny, Aaron's the only one that can be here when no one else is. Does that confuse anyone else or is just me?

Yea, so i need to do wash, and i need to get myself clothed. I wonder what i'm doing tonight. I'm sure Sarah and Lil have something planned...

:: 2002 27 July :: 9.58am
:: Mood: Dreamy
:: Music: Incubus~Echo

I got my tickets!!!! I got my Incubus tickets...yea i'm excited.

God, this day has been really...well, i don't know what's it's been. I read ray's journal and was so happy for her. Chris is so hot, and i'm so glad she got to spend last night with him. Hah, i'm jelous man. We should get together this week...

:: 2002 27 July :: 2.52pm
:: Mood: lonely

ahhhh
lillian left for a reading class like 20 minutes ago and i'm stuck in her house with her family for 3 hours. its a good thing i feel pretty comfortable here or i would be going crazy...

...its good to be here. last night lil and i went to brian's house with chris. we watched orange county and drank.... that movie is a whole lot funnier when you're buzzed, let me tell you. i ended up in the backseat of brian's dad's car with chris webster. we were drinking corona and talking about the sky. i put my head in his lap and he played with my hair. i closed my eyes and he kissed my eyelid. it was weird... i felt like i was in 7th grade again, sneaking around his house and sitting on his porch late at night.

i'm retarded lately. i knew then i could've gotten with him... could've kissed him... and i really wanted to, too. just because i've missed him so much. just because it felt like the right thing to do. but i didn't. i held back. something told me not to- too many complications in my life already or something. so i smiled. and put my hand on his leg, and complained about the heat. we held hands and "cuddled" in the car until lillian's dad came an hour later. what a strange night...