you fall and you fall and you break
i try to read..... i can't. i just can't. i tried, over and over. reading pages and paragraphs, but eventually my eyes would tear and i would realize i hadn't comprehended anything i had read. i had to put it down and do something. anything. i just keep replaying the thought in my head... Allie, one of my best friends, and Aaron, the guy that had decided to like me, the guy that i desperately liked. i picture them kissing. i picture his large hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair, while they kiss. i picture...... things. god. why would they do something like this to me? either of them...... not only is it the guy that i'm falling so seriously for, but its the girl i fell so seriously for back in december. why would they do this? how could they?

back it up... i got online today, and allie had the infamous line "can we talk?"... a question.... asking me to listen to her and not judge. the last thing on my mind was a kiss between them. the last thing on my mind was Aaron at all. "you know how i called people apoligizing for the 4th of july?" she said. "well, i called Aaron, and we ended up talking for a long time..... and we hung out a couple times this past week." already, my blood was moving.... i could feel it pulsing, in and out of my veins right behind my eyes. i started to think.. ok, they hung out.. no big deal, right? they laughed and talked and joked... right? she's 4 years his younger... they're just friends... right? right???? and i typed, slowly "what happened"... as if it was just natural that something would happen. i didnt even put a question mark- i knew the answer. "we kissed....twice" she wrote. and then there was a pause- a pause that
only comes when there is nothing more to say. a pause that says it all. i started to cry right then. i am such a weak person today. i shut my door, and sat down and typed "holy shit" as slowly as i could. then typed "oh my god"... i mean, what the hell am i supposed to say to that? am i supposed to ask questions? ask her if she liked it? if he wanted her? ask her how long the kiss was, longer than ours? ... i was fuming. i made her call me, and all i could do was cry and ask her "why?" .....she said she fucked up... she said she was sorry... she said Aaron called her and told her what a big mistake he had made, and that he cared for me so much, he couldn't risk it. my crying stopped then, just a complete and total feeling of sadness washed over me. this really happened. this horrible horrible news really took place. Aaron's lips met Allie's- fucking twice! .... i couldn't believe it. i got straight offline, walked to my mom's room where she was lying down, reading, and i crawled on top of her and laid down just like i used to when i was little... when my feet no longer met hers. she got maternal really fast, and stroked my head and i loved her even more than i ever have right then, which made me cry more. i finally told her, and i could tell she got angry... her little girl... i knew she was thinking.. her little girl is hurting just like she used to. just like she IS. we laid there for an hour... i started to fidget... we talked it over and i just needed to get out. i needed to run. she drove me to the homestead parking lot and i ran two miles on the track, then did stairs and situps. i almost passed out from the heat, but came home anyway, completely exhausted, but with a clear mind. so here i am. a clear mind. hah. i don't even know what that means anymore. i guess my mind isn't so clear if i couldn't just read one chapter in a book. i couldn't even read one line.

goddamn. i just keep thinking- over and over... picturing.. thinking... will i ever be able to trust allie again? will i ever feel the same way about aaron? what if aaron acts like nothing happened? what then...... even after we had decided to "try things out" for awhile... even after we hugged and held hands in the backseat of lillian's dad's car... even after....after he rubbed my back and kissed my neck and told me i was worth the risk... and that i had gotten him all wrong, he really did like me and want to be with me.. even after everything had gone so goddamn perfectly. there's always a catch. .... Allie says he was mad because he didn't know i was taking his brother on a trip. he started to realize how much better friends i am with Ben than him, and he was angry, she says. she says it was an outburst of anger- the closest girl to him and a girl that would hurt me a lot. he's a smart guy, if he wanted to hurt me...

...jealousy is the root of so many things. god, i could come so close to say jealousy is the root of everything. so close.

sigh. i don't know what to do. Allie is sick and i don't want to talk to her anymore. i told her to write me things about aaron- i just want to see how much she cares for him, if at all. i don't think she does. she was just a pawn in all of this anyway, as my mom says. she's a smart woman. probably the smartest i've ever met. anyway, Aaron's in san francisco till next sunday, when we both get back to stl. we had planned so much before i went. dinners and picnics and concerts.... nights and days.. what will happen to those plans? two kisses don't ruin everything, do they? i guess that's up to me..... hell, i don't know what i want.

god. anyways. my trip with Ben was good. we talked A LOT... we swam, boated, drove, camped, ate A LOT, laughed A LOT.... it was good fun. we argued a lot too, about Aaron. that's another thing that makes me kind of angry. how many damn times i stuck up for him on that trip. anything bad Ben would say about him, i would try to contradict with something nice..... i wonder if while i was trying to defend him if at the same time he was... he was..... aww shit

i don't want to think about it anymore. any of it. i come back and lowell has sent me emails filled with "i miss you" and "its so boring here without you" and tales about taylor and his feelings and everything else.. and i'm so glad he's a constant in my life. anyway, enough cheese. i'm gonna go have some on my pizza though.

2 freedom fighters | free tibet