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2004 3 January :: 1.01pm
becky spent the night last night, now im spending the night here....
new years was ok, not the greatest, brandi was over, and thats always exciting..... just kind of lonely.
last night we watched runaway bride and save the last dance.... i want that so bad. oh well i guess......
i hate school, i hate it even more now that we have to go back monday.
pshh.. i dont know
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2003 31 December :: 3.51pm
:: Music: yellowcard
new years...... how exciting.... didnt think i'd be alone this year. Oh well.
actually.... i've got brandi, so im not alone! lol. its tradition..... for the last 5 years we've spent new years together... not my first choice, but........ te he, just kidding!
tomorrow we have a childs get together over on lake michigan..... that should be fun.
well have a good new years everyone, i'll see you all when school starts.
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2003 29 December :: 11.04pm
i swear im gonna go crazy someday again.... and just kill him. We left, and yet he's still making us miserable. Imagine christmas morning watching your mom cry because life just hates us so fucking much....... it does something to you.
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2003 28 December :: 8.43pm
:: Music: Giving Up- Silverstein
i try to unbury myself... but everytime i do its like i dig myself deeper and deeper. Its kind of funny, sometimes im not even sure of who i actually am. I try to be one way to make one person happy, and another way to keep another satisfied. I dont really conform, im very upfront and always myself, but little things change, and it always ends up ripping another piece off of me. I want one person to like me, but its not worth being second best. They've liked the same person for a long time, and she's into all the same things he's into.... i dont think it would work between them, but i'd hate to be compared to what he'd rather have. I'm perfect for some people, and not good enough for others. It takes a toll on your personality.... sometimes i just look out the window and watch it rain, wishing i was anything but what i am. Other times im so proud of everything i've overcome..... i dont know. Life throws all these unexpected curves at me so often that i guess i should be used to it. I hate that i cant bring myself to hate him.... hes just so cute. I think about him and i just smile. His personality is everything that turns me on, and his style is so different, but its so attractive. why do i do this to myself over and over again.........
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2003 27 December :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: the clarks - the river
wtf
okay, the littlest things piss me off anymore.
jim finially called me last night for the first time in 2 days. so i was really pissed off at him. all we did practicly was fight the whole time we were on the fone. --and we haven't fought for a long time-- and i told him that i thought we needed time off; and he said okay. and i said okay, then hung up. he called back probably 5 times, i didn't answer. he didn't call back again for about 5-6 minutes or so.. and i answered. i was crying, blah blah blah, no one cares. now we're okay.
i'm glad to.
so far my break has been nothing but shit. no one has come over, i really haven't gone anywhere; and jim hasn't even stayed over. which pisses me off even more. i guess he's coming over tonight [*i'll update later, to tell if he does actually come over*]
i've been sitting around the house all day doing jack shit. watched my dvd's like 50 times each. i'm just bored out of my skull. so i went out into the kitchen my mom was making a pizza or whatever- and she had peperoni sitting out and i went to pick it up [I WASN'T GOING TO EAT IT] and my mom like grabbed it off me, and i was like "i'm not going to eat it" and shes like "i know" and continues to grab it off me. wtf? that pissed me off so bad.
so basicly right now i'm pretty pissed off, bored, and lonely. but my loneliness overcomes it all.
xx.jena
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2003 26 December :: 11.12pm
brandi made me a smoothie... just thought i'd share that......
*grins.... ok im good
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2003 26 December :: 10.30pm
brand new- play crack the sky
im at brandis right now....... we went shopping today. Im so proud of myself.... i got pink converse for 5 dollars.... lets just say it was a REALLY good sale. Gadzooks had a buy something get something for 5 dollars..... i got lucky. I got a really pretty dress from debs for 5 dollars too..... its not dressy enough for swirl.. but hell, its good enough. 5 dollars is MOST deffinately good enough for swirl.. i got it for a summer dress. Im sure you're all SO happy im telling you this. To add on to my bargain shopping.... i got some kick ass pants for 10 dollars... gadzooks. BEST sale ive ever seen.
Seems how i have no life, im going to tell you what i got for christmas...... (just following after becky.. te he)
.clothes.leather coat.tv w/vcr.frame.make up.friends trivia game.martina mcbride cd (very sweet reasons.. i love my mom).scarf.make up orginizer..... i dont know what else.......
Collectively from my friends... snuffy shirt, the used cd, tiger pajamas, green sweater, cookie monster slippers, necklace, pink shirt........ so sweet
Then i went shopping with christmas money.. shopping has become sort of a hobbie for me........ its great...... im pathetic..... thats great too.
i ended up going to a clingan christmas thing christmas morning... i regret it. It just made me feel so much worse. He really hates me, thats all i can get from what he does, is just that he hates me. we have this white elephant game.... and one of his gifts was a coffe cup that says "we honeymooned in Gatlinburg" or something like that... thats where my parents got married. Everyone was all laughing.... i was ready to go by then. Its nice to know that they think its funny that our family got broken up. It hasnt even been 2 months and now their divorce is just some joke in a white elephant game. The best words i can use to describe them all is white trash. They sit around and feel sorry for eachother...... its just sick. He MAKES me sick. They all do...........
My mom on the other hand..... i love her so much. Everything chris puts her through and yet she still stays strong for her girls. I dont know what i'd do without her. I know its really cliche... but shes my best friend... she really is.
I feel like somethings missing in my life, i cant quite place what it is... but i know its something. Maybe its just something that i want... but im confusing it with something that i need...... i guess its a good thing that i dont know, less confusing that way. If only i could blow up and tell "people" exaclty what i felt about them. Thatd be nice.
I've been talking to my friend in battle creek, thats just awesome.... i thought we were gonna lose touch.. but i guess i was wrong.
Im really getting into brand new alot more, they're lyrics are really good and have a lot of meaning. I was listening to 104 the other day.. sometimes you just need some entertainment..... how can anyone listen to rap? Really.. it has no rythem, and the lyrics are just the stupidest things i've ever heard. You almost feel bad for them because they sounds like such idiots.. i dont know.... some people....
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2003 25 December :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: linkin park - numb
merry christmas
i'm just sittin here, messin' around with my digital camera i got for christmas. aww- everyone go to my photo album.
i'll be updating my album a lot, so keep checking.
merry christmas everyone.
hope it was a good one.
<3 jena
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2003 21 December :: 11.11pm
so me and becky were just looking up pictures of johnny depp... *so pretty* and wow.... we were in disney world....(me and becky) July 1st - the 4th. THE WORLD PREMEIER was june 30th and he was there...... WE MISSED HIM BY ONE DAY! fjd;s;aflfjkafkl;je;iljvcklafj well ok...... so he was at the other disney land...... and thats on the other side of the country.... BUT STILL.... they're both disney! Becky and i have developed this.... pathetic obsession with him... not so much him... but with Jack Sparrow, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.......... For our Birthdays.... just get us Johnny Depp in a pirates suit........... *fantasizes
We're gonna go obsess some more....... even better..... the oscars are free...... and he's nominated. We are SO going........
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2003 21 December :: 7.52pm
im at beckys right now.. we just watched, ummm... a movie *clears throat, looks around nervously....* It was... a good one, yeah, action packed and all...... mm hmmm
Hopefully tomorrow stacy can get with us so we can do our little thing..... lmao
we're gonna watch pirates of the carribean AGAIN tonight, but see thats ok, because Johnny Depp is just so pretty. "Jack Sparrow" is so pretty.. becky and i have decided that we're gonna share him... because we're married to him, mm hm, we are. No really.. we are. *pets him.....
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2003 20 December :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: talking to jim
i'm just sitting here, eating a candy cane; listening to jim. he's playing driver 2 on playstation. i'm just sittin here watchin' and talking to him. i have to go back to school on monday, that sucks. but christmas vacation starts on thursday.. thank goodness.
my pap is home from the hospital [since yesterday] which is a good thing. let's hope he stays home for a while.
5 days til christmas.
and i still have to christmas shop.
xx.jena
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2003 20 December :: 4.06pm
Guess where i am... in my old room at my old house, updating because i have nothing better to do. You have no idea how it feels to be back in my old house with my old family.... it hurts alot. My room isnt even blue anymore.. and actually, well its not my room so nevermind. Now its white........
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2003 20 December :: 2.41am
:: Mood: Tired/depressed
:: Music: Quin on the guitar
...Stuffsesis
I do beleive you...I worry, but I do beleive you. your friendship is enough...more than enough...more than I can dare to hope for. But right now, I don't feel much pain...not really. I just wish there had been a more pleasant end to the conversation, but yeah. I almost told you...but i caught myself. I guess I go back to the original poem of life.
"and I find myself standing in the moon and starlight, recalling the feeling of her in my arms, her pulse beeting strong against mine. The sweet scent of her hair...and I find myself wondering what her lips taste like, but stop myself and refrain from that arrogant thinking, for I know she loves another (at the time I wrote this that was quin.) But I relax, for I know the fate of all whom resist the war is No other than Life."
Okay then, Pat wants me to go...lol, amazing the things write about when they think now one can see it...lol. Okay, I'll call as many of you as I can over winter break. Later.
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2003 20 December :: 12.31am
awww
I love brandi.....
I've wanted these green tiger pjs forever, and i told my mom but she said they were all sold out...... well brandi got them for me for christmas....... i love them.... so soft.. so cute. I love you brandi! Plus she got me a pink shirt... PINK, and a silver necklace with a pink heart..... im thinking i have a new favorite color. I dont know... i only wear pink in some shape or form every day.... no, i think my favorite color is black, yep, thats it.
Tomorrow i think im spending the night at beckys dads house after she gets back from the ballet.. we've decided to rent movies and eat lots of food. Whats christmas break without gaining about 10 pounds?! My point exactly... not really.
Well we're gonna watch how to lose a guy in 10 days..... good movie. "You let our love fern die... are you gonna let us die too?!"
Brandi and i are so stupid, but its so fun....!
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2003 20 December :: 12.20am
:: Mood: Infuriated...this emotion is constant.
:: Music: CKY
Silver angel wings stained by the blood of gods cut by broken dreams...
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2003 19 December :: 8.48pm
Points and laughs at brandi........
lmao.. im at rivertown right now. Brandis off getting the rest of my christmas presents so i have to sit here... but she just came up and was like.... "you have my money!" Aha ha.... she waited in a really long line just to find out that she could buy it because she was keeping her money in my purse. So i guess im gonna be here for awhile waiting.... its just our family.. we're the most forgetful.. not to mention the clumsiest people you could ever meet. I was throwing away the rest of my pizza and i hurt my knuckle somehow... im such a moron. But oh well. Abercrombie makes me sick..... we walked in there and looked at 3 price tags.. all of which were over 30 dollars. Why would anybody spend that much on a pair of ripped up jeans with "paint'' all over them... pathetic.
Im so happy this week is over, i had test after test, and it really couldnt have gotten much more stressfull.
Im stuck in a period in my life where im not exactly sure which way to turn, or who to trust. Im afraid of losing the people i care about, and i've already lost a few. I dont like being in fights with people, and i dont like when people dont feel like they can talk to me about stuff. I might come off different ways, but if you've known me before you know me now. Im just a little more forward then i was before.
This is getting so boring...... im sitting inbetween abercrombie and the gap..... not a good place to be. I've seen so many preppy people walk by..... its esp great when they stare at you... yep, its really touching. I wish these stupid computers had messenger..... hey..... ok, so hopefully it'll be downloaded in a few minutes. These computers are so fast. Im not used to it. It's like you're at the website you're trying to get to before you even click it. Damn... it says i dont have the right priveleges.... well ok nevermind that.
This is entry is so long and yet so pointless........
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2003 16 December :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: cheap trick - i want you to want me
wishing jim was here
school was hell; as always. i came home went directly to the bank with my mom to cash a check, went home picked up the girls from the bus and my brother from down the house, we all went to see my pap in the hospital. i was supposed to go shopping with jim.. but plans changed so i called jim told him i couldn't come..
the doctor told my gram that my pap wouldn't make it out of the hospital this time. his heart is giving out. ..right before christmas.
i really don't consider myself "depressed" i just think that sometimes i get sad; like everyone else does.
but right now i am truely upset, mad, depressed and every other word there is. i just really need to be with jim to fuckin' cry on his shoulder for a while. it helps when i do that.. it really helps.
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2003 16 December :: 5.09pm
:: Music: tbs- your own disaster
today was an ok day. lunch was eventfull.. found out some things i didnt know.... thats always fun. I'm just really good at pissing people off, i guess i dont even have to try anymore. It comes natural. and whats really pathetic is when i have to think to myself.... what have i ever done to them, esp when i dont even talk to these people. but thats crazy.. i should just know that im SO good at being pissy that i should already know. Yep..... great day.
im at stacys right now.. the only place im ever on the internet. I cant believe Christmas is almost here, im not ready.... *imitates stacys animal noise....*
i wish you would just talk to me, i dont know what else im supposed to say to you, i told you how i felt... im sorry you didnt feel the need to listen.
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2003 15 December :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: outkast - hey ya'll [it's just on the radio..]
is it never ending?
i haven't been doing much lately. didn't go to school friday or today..
my pap went back into the hospital again around 7:00 tonight..
i'm almost done with christmas shopping, just a few more things.
10 days til christmas. wow.. that's not very far away.
i think i'm gonna get a shower tonight and just go to school in my pj's tomorrow.
xx.jena
"i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could brighten up your day, even if i couldn’t brighten my own"
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2003 15 December :: 5.07pm
He hates me, i hate that he hates me......
I wish you knew how i felt about all this....
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2003 11 December :: 4.09pm
Ok, to the person that said this.... "shes gonna hurt him again, and if she does im gonna be so mad" You are so fucking ignorant. For you to pretend that you have any idea about whats going on is insane. You have no idea... so stop pretending to be a saint. Yeah, because i hurt him, hes the only one who was hurt in all of this. It hasnt affected me at all... fuck you. all you care about is popularity, and i dont give a damn if you say you dont. Do you know that he cant stand you? He hates being around you. Maybe you should stop being such a moron and open your eyes. What goes on in MY life has nothing to do with you. You dont care about anything but yourself and when you pretend that you do care it's only so that you can get the "information" you think you need. Now i see why you complain about not having any "real" friends. Who would want to be your friend, you're shallow and you're a back stabber. Fuck you.
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2003 10 December :: 5.43pm
:: Music: The Used-Say Days Ago
Evading Dejection
I used to see the shadow of a dreamless hope of nothing, now all I see is nothing, staring at me from the deep pit that tries to devour my innocence. I’m the whisper of the swaying leaves in the calm after storm, but I’m endlessly binded to the coldness of the winter, the darkness of insanity, and the grip I hold from going over the edge. When you walk past the shallow waters I hope you see my watching your every move as everything I ever thought I was is washed over me and taken away. You have me suffocating under a blanket of shame; I’m the nothing in the midst of all your somethings. I feel like I could kill you, but I couldn’t live without you. Fuck everything you do or say, I’ll still be alone with nothing but my reflection watching each tear drop fall down my face and land on my shattered dreams. I reach out and touch the person who deceived me, engulfed my perception and ripped me apart. I hate you for what you’ve done to me, but I love you for pointing out my positives. I love you for killing me slowly with everything you’ve ever said to me. Every lie that passed over your lips and pressed against mine. I’ll remember them all and hold them against you every chance I get. Remember me when you whisper I love you in the ear of someone new as you turn her towards you and you see me looking into your eyes through hers. I hate you.
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2003 8 December :: 4.08pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: bob marley - no woman no cry
stressed.
-my pap is still in the hospital
-my mom is being stupid lately, we've been "fighting" about everything
-jim sometimes forgets to call me, i get upset
-i keep pasing out (..not joking.)
-i have a whole week ahead of me with assignments due, tests etc;; and it's really stressin' me out
now for the good news..
xx.jena
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2003 7 December :: 3.52pm
:: Music: the beatles- revolution number 9
This song is creeeeeeepy.............
we just played this white elephant game and i got a NEON pink bag. Now i feel all woompy......... lmao. (te he... becky came up with that word........ te he)
Ok, this is really scary...... its freaking me out.....
i have nothing to talk about... but since i never get to update i just feel like i should.
I keep looking back into my journal at all these poems i've written.. some of them are actually good. It suprizes me. i was sitting in my closet the other day writing and i think i might have a slight shadow of a hint of a talent. I guess it doesnt matter though.... because most of it i wouldnt let other people read anyways.
Im still pretty confused. I think i finally came up with a workable solution. now all i have to do is tell him how i feel....... if he'll talk to me. i dont know if he wants to. I totally understand if he doesnt... but i hope it hasnt come to that. i really miss it.... i dont want to say to much because i dont want to give it away... but ive gotta express it somehow. Hmm.............. I wish things werent so confusing.... i wish i would have waited... i wish i would have thought about it.... i wish i didnt have to hurt someone.... i wish i was taller....... just thought i'd throw that in there.
We rented bruce almighty last night... it made me cry...... pathetic. It was a really good movie, i've got almost all my christmas shopping done and its not even December 10th. Im proud....
My deadline is tuesday, im so stressed i dont think we're gonna make it. Me and mellissa are short like 25 pictures. *groan* Oh, and if you're a junior, will you PLEASE comment in my journal and write a quote about ANYTHING, with in reason of course, cuz we're short in quotes too. we need about 5 i think. Thanks
I havent listened to the yeah yeah yeahs in awhile... i love that band.
The Warped tour this summer.... i cant wait.
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2003 7 December :: 2.43pm
:: Music: tbs-bike scene
im at beckys right now. Theres like 30 people here...... i dont like people. And not only are they people, they're church people from her dads single group......... *slight giggle* but other then that.....
We atempted to do our algebra..... that got far.
im an idiot....... never yell "in the pants" when you are in a room WITH OUT soundproof walls. I'll bet im gonna be on everyones prayer list tonight...........
Alright......
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2003 7 December :: 1.14pm
:: Mood: Tired, and hungry. (got to bed at 6:30 am and now
:: Music: Music on the main menue on the first Matrix DVD
Last entry for a while
Well, this will be my last entry for while. Leaving pat's house soon...i miss you all, especially you, Tori. I'll see you tomorrow...I might call later tonight...like sixish...i don't know. I love you.
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2003 7 December :: 7.07am
:: Mood: tired, gitty, a little deprived (of someone i'm su
:: Music: Old Aprtment, Me and Mike-e-o!!!!
First entry
Patrick has a journal! ok people, intersted in what this crazy loon has to say? go to http://www.woohu.com/~shroudofrain/...m'kay? jesus, i sounded like a hucster. oh shit, my cane has fallen. look, patrick so kindly retreived it for me! good sausage, good girl. -pats on head-
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2003 7 December :: 6.29am
I took the "what kind of goth are you quiz" i couldn't figure out how to copy paste my results, but i got romantic goth. but whatever, i think (and he's reading this) that me and pat need to go play some good ol' Torok. I'll set him up with a woohu account later...so youknow, he can really be "one of the group"... Later people.
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2003 7 December :: 6.00am
:: Mood: tired...i miss Tori...my wings.
New layout
look people, i know it's hideous, but it's also 2:46 A.M. on sunday morning, i didn't sleep the night before, I am male, thus have trouble with these things, and i picked one of the hardest pictures to do, though i love this pic...that is Ramza...kinda like Cloud's Multiple personality...but not, but it's confusing...he's the main character of Final Fantasy Tactics...a game that i can place th e glory upon of having a part in saving my life...long story. i love the pic, and i'm still working on the settings...gimme a minute.
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2003 6 December :: 2.07am
:: Music: tbs- Head Club
Tainted Pandemonium
Standing alone in empty confinement I watch my life collapse one shattered piece at at time. Im being swallowed by nothingness that mimics my aparant unspoken desire for loneliness. Every heart i touch i break and every single one tears a part away from the tattered mess i've let myself turn into. Im walking on with chains bound to my broken body, to afraid to look back and see the path i've chosen to struggle down. Im surrounded by stiffled silence with nothing but serene indignity cascading across my tired and broken mentality. I've lost my passion to care and instead all i do is wish my life would for once go how i want it to, but taking it upon myself would bring only more chaos and deppression. Why wont God listen to my cries for help? Why wont he tell me what i'm expected to do when im living my own hell and wandering blindly into circumstances i can never seem to get myself out of. Are you giving me some kind of test, because im failing miserably and im so tired. Everything comes through in muffled whispers. I cant hear you , sometimes i wonder if you're even there. Help me live for you so i can live for myself. Tear me out of this tainted pandemonium. I'll wait for you to come for me, until then i'll just stay here in my empty confinement trying to put my shattered hopes of desperation back into the failure they started as.
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