iM THE GiRL WHOSE SWEEPiNG<br>YOU OFF YOUR FEET<|3

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 12 October :: 3.35pm

i love her too much to let go now. so i made that commitment, that godfucked commitment, but who cares? i have the only thing i want. i'm happy. wow. that doesn't happen very often when she's not around

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 12 October :: 10.40am
:: Music: sin, NIN

PS
I hope that PS thng in tori's journal wasn't about me. It would make me feel so much like they thought i was a toy, like only what they wanted mattered, like i wasn't a real person with real emotions and a real life, not some simulative drone for their plessure when ever they want it. why am i even bitching? i know it's probably not about me at all. but i'm still paranoid. she's rubbing off on me.

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 11 October :: 4.05pm
:: Music: white flag, by god knows who.

Tori
i missed you, even after two hours and twenty minutes i felt sick and totally deprived of you. i never, for a minute ever stopped thinking about you. well i guess that's love. i have to go, so i'll see you later.

4 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 10 October :: 5.43pm

I am the BLUE.

I value my feeling, compassion and empathy for
people. I love to talk to people and talk
about anything and everything. I get
particular meaning from my conversations when I
can inspire and motivate people.

I am in search of meaning and significance of life.
I am very spiritual.

I value harmony. I do not like hostility, anger,
aggression and confrontation. You see, I take
everything personally. I will give many second
chances but your last chance will certainly be
your last chance. I tend to always remember
when I have been hurt by another.

At Work...

I want a boss who is fair and equal to everyone. I
believe in the team spirit because I am a team
player. I want to work at making a difference
in people's lives. I prefer a work setting
that is warm, dramatic, creative, motivating,
and personable. I like my co-workers to be
communicative, nurturing, and helpful.

In School...

I value a warm, encouraging classroom environment.
I like teachers who are approachable and will
maintain the dignity of each student in class.
I like the personal touch. I achieve best when
the instruction is warm, sympathetic,
supportive , and personable.

* I dream of love, affection, authenticity.

* I value compassion, sympathy, rapport.

* I dislike deception, hypocrisy,
insincerity.

My Motto is...

"To thine own self be true"

True Colors
brought to you by Quizilla

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 10 October :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: calm...somewhat...

i'm ok honestly
there have obviously been ppl now who read my journal & think the worst bout me...

please don't worry i'm fine!

i'm not gonna have sex...i'm not gonna get married...i'm gonna finish high school...i'm going to college...i quit smoking...i'm not suicidal...

i didn't think that ppl thought this journal was a cry for help...i'm not wanting help...i just like to type honestly...so this may truely be my last journal entry...i'll be around...but yeah...

don't worry, i'm ok...

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 10 October :: 10.31am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: teacher is talking

bad day
yesterday dustin [my brother] and i to the hospital to see my grandpap, and then went to wal*mart..

i guess my grandpap broke a bone right above his tail bone, and he's been in the hospital for about 3-4 days now.. i think. but he's about 87 years old or so, and he's not doing to good. my mom was sick, so she couldn't go- his blood count is down and he can catch any little bug that anyone else has. i hope he's okay, because it's just to early for my grandparents to die.. i don't even know what i'd do.

we went to wal*mart afterwards, and i got some poster board for jim and i's history projects. on our way out in the check out line we saw jen.. [my brothers ex-girlfriend..] so we talked for a minute or so, and after that dustin didn't really talk to me.. i feel bad, because i know how close they were. i mean they lived together for a little more than a year.. and i know he loved her. you could just see it in his eyes.

love sucks.

i got home and talked to my mom and george.. i guess george might get a job in harrisburg.. hmm, that's 4 hours away from where i live now.. and i don't know if i want to go. my mom said that if he does that the job, that if i wanted she'd stay here with me until the end of the school year.. ya know, just to finsh this year of school. and then i asked about jim. they said as long as he got a job and everything, they'd take him with us. so if we do move- as long as jim goes with us. i'm good. =D
[i've had some shit said to me about this paragraph. this does not mean i won't miss my friends. i'm just saying, as long as i have someone to fuckin go with me, i'll be okay.. god, i don't like being yelled at for something that people just don't understand, because i didn't write it clearly.. =/]

school today sucks. i'm in advanced word processing, and i accidently deleted this huge project that i did a couple weeks ago, and i need now to do another project.. so i'm basicly screwed. i don't even know what i'm gonna do. it'll take me forever to re-do the project. grr. screw it. i don't even care anymore. i'm probably gonna fail anyway.

jim isn't here. i am so mad. sometimes i don't even think he wants to be with me anymore.. he never calls me, and he's always working and everything. i don't know, maybe he's just busy.. maybe i'm reading to much into it. but whatever it is, it sucks. because i miss him.. and he's not even gone.

school pictures were today. ha. i found out yesterday. this school is so damn stupid anymore. they didn't even tell us. someone told me yesterday, and i was like "whoa, they didn't even announce it." haha. some people didn't even know about it, and came to school all scrubby and looking dirty. haha. i find it funny though. so i can laugh about it. =)

ahh yes. i'm making a gay site on geocites on yahoo.. haha. i'm not done yet, but when i am, i'll post the link so you can make fun of it =) woohoo.

yeah well i better go. i'm gonna see what i can do on my projects in this class.. god, i'm so behind!!

xx jena

6 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 10 October :: 10.22am
:: Music: NIN piggy

Never let go. this is where i belong. in her arms, never let go.

5 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 9 October :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: the day the world went away-you guesed it,NIN

Tori
today, as i leaned my head on hear shoulder, and held her hand, and kissed the top of her head, taking in the vanilla scent, and felt her head resting gently on my chest, irealized i could feel every thought and emotion running through her head, and the only reason it took me that long was that they were about the same as what was going through mine. love, a hard feeling in side, and cold. but pleasently cool, not freazing cold, and not a metallic hardness that just makes you upset, no, it was more like a wet cloth on your forhead in a sweltering heat, a refreshing and relaxing feeling. but i realized something else, i don't have to hide anymore. she has such a strong will to her, a power i don't think she even knows about. it's what will free her soul of her mind and hearts conflict, so that she can be herself, love, live, and lauph. that reminds me of one of my own quotes...

"life, love, frendship, you will want them all when you live, but you will need them all to survive"

I have her to survive, and i won't ever let go. no matter what happens, they can't take her from me now, i'll kill to keep her. she's mine, mine, ours, and mine, and i love her, more than most things, more than anything, but yet, i fear.............that maybe, i'll hurt her. no. not like they hurt her. they mean to hurt her. you can cut them without meaning, but you can only scar them if your trying.

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 9 October :: 10.30am
:: Music: Silence apocalyptica

now i know, once and for all, and it pains me a little, but the scars will fad, especially ten years from then. but until that day, in a matter of months, i won't let go of her. i don't care what they say or do about this. they're all just more bricks in the wall. i love her....

4 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 8 October :: 11.53pm
:: Music: terrible lie, Nine Inch Nails

My final potatoes
ok, that's mother fucking it, i've chosen my potatoes, and to hell with it all... i'm sick of hiding, i'm sick of holding back, this anger keeps breaking out in small bits and it's hurting other people... today, i blew up and almost killed madeline and hit my mom, and then i like, yeah, hid in my room for fourty five minutes. of course, i had a vision, and it scared the shit out of me, but now, no more hiding, no more holding back, i'm fucking going all the fucking way. i'm over the deep end now. don't try and pull me back.....

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 7 October :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: nirvana - alcohol

my mewlib: a love story

There once lived a long young couple named jim and jena. jim and jena loved to sit their bikes together, look their homework together, and running slowly under the oak tree in jims backyard.

Well, jim was a old girl with yellow black hair and eyes that blew. jena was wooden and the star of the basketball team. jim and jena were very depressed together.

One day, jim was screwing jenas leg and a cat putt-putting over and fucked them both.

haha
p.s. i didn't write this story.. i just put down words when it told me to, and it filled them into this story when i was done.
so don't think i'm some sorta weirdo writing that.. haha

HASH(0x83fc2d8)

A bloody gruesome death. You're most likely a self-
mutilator. You like the burning sensation you
get as your skin gives way to the blade and
watching as the rivers of blood flow down your
arm and onto the bathroom floor. You don't
really care HOW you end up killing
yourself...just as long as you're dead in the
end and there's a mess for people to clean up.
After all, they deserve it anyway right? And
you like whatever is convenient at the time for
you...so there's no real planning to be done.

What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"i was the one who said things changed, but you were the one who showed me exactly how much they really did."

:: 2003 6 October :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: drained out but happy

this IS what it sounds like when I cry...

"When Doves Cry" (by Prince)
How could you just leave me standing,
Alone in a world so cold?
Maybe you're just too demanding.
Maybe I'm just like my father--too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother.
She's never satisfied.
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry.

Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

38 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 6 October :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: Hanging by a moment, life house

Tori, as always
hmm, hm hm hm...... i feel like complete shit ferris, i smashed a little kid named satan, i smashed satan, oh dear, dear dark master, i'm so sorry... well anyway, today i felt an awful lot like she was avoiding me. it was annoying, but i understand why, i'm falling even more in love with you letting go of all i've held on too, i'm standing here untill you make me move, hanging by a moment here with you.

:: 2003 6 October :: 4.19pm
:: Mood: um...unmentionable
:: Music: silence

oh lordy here we go...
so yeah i figured out that some ppl look at my journal now that weren't necesarily were supposed to see it in a way...i'll tell you guys one thing...

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME...SO I'M SCREWING UP...YOU THINK IT'S THE END FOR ME...SORRY, THIS ISN'T A CRY FOR HELP...I'M OVER CRYING FOR THAT SINCE I NEVER WAS LISTENED TO MUCH...I HAVE MY OWN THINGS I DEAL WITH IN MY OWN WAY...IF I EMBARASS YOU THEN DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME THEN...YOU'LL BE DEAD WIEGHT TO ME...PLUS DON'T ASSUME THINGS OR YOU'LL MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF...I'M NOT THE CLEAN CUT PERSON EVERYONE EXPECTED ME TO BE...I'M LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU NEAR ME...

& i'm not giving it up to fit your convenience...you don't like it...tough shit...

5 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 6 October :: 1.05am
:: Mood: intimidated
:: Music: Silence apocalyptica

it feels like a long time since the night she said yes. but it hasn't been. what, two nights? well, it feels like a long time, but it's not. maybe she was right, but i've heard no one say that before. well, whatever, if we do we do, if we don't we don't i guess i'll pick my potatoes.... maybe this weekend....it'd be my first one. wow. i'm already thirteen and i still haven't.......that's a weirded out thought. well, yeah.

12 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 5 October :: 11.42am
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: piggy NIN

wow
i'm actually happy. wow. god fuck it tori, wha'dya do to me? ha...............ahhhh........i wonder when i'll have to fight again......i can't believe it, what they did to you, what we did to you, and well, that's just so much pain...nothing can stop me now.......I'd kill them all, but it's not really their fault, after, they run with the system, their just another brick in the wall......cause i just don't care.....i found it amusing how alex tried act like she was out. but i'm glad she's not, it's not worth it, but now that we're here, it's like maddy's quote, there's no going back, our potatoes are down......i see the truth when i'm all stupid eyed.........the perfect drug.........i love NIN. well, guess it's that much closer to over...

7 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 5 October :: 11.29am
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: silence

considering suicide?

I got this in an e-mail.. and i decided to post it, because.. well, just read it.

You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out.

Fine--but before you kill yourself consider these facts:

Suicide is not usually successful.

You think you know a guaranteed way?

Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone.

What about jumping?

Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain- damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.

What about pills?

Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.

What about a gun?

Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide.

You might too.

But...

Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job- -but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned?

Your father?

Your mother?

Your wife?

Your son?

The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.

Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.

You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police.

They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.

You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it?

Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later.

And we'll work with whatever you have left.

scary, isn't it? it'll make you think twice.. but then again, i don't know.

xx jena.

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 4 October :: 11.25am
:: Mood: cold and sore
:: Music: me chewing on pizza

car wreck and other things
yesterday around 4:40, amy her mom and i all were going to go out to burger king, and chow down on some food. but on our way there, we got into a wreck. some stupid lady pulled right out in front of us, and we ran into her passengers side of the car. i was in the back seat, [without a seat belt. ha] amy was in the passengers side, and her mom was driving. so, none of us were really hurt, amys mom hit her head, and has a bruise on her hand.. from hitting something, but she doesn't know what she hit it off of. amy got hurt from the seatbelt, and shes been complaining about that.. so i hope you feel better.. and i just got smushed up against the front seat- hit my right arm, and my chin. but all in all i'm okay. a little sore. but okay ;)

so we dropped amy off at the highschool [she had to go to a football game.] after her mom talked to the lady about everything. then we went to the auto body shops to see how much it would be to fix her car. i guess it'll cost over $1,000. so they couldn't give her the exact total.

that sucks.

so all in all my day was okay yesterday. 8-) except for the fact that when i ask jim to call me, he always "forgets" or some other STUPID reason.. wtf. how can you forget to call your girlfriend? he hasn't called me like 4 different times in a row when i asked him to. i always have to call him, and he just tells me that "he forgot" or "he got in late" wtf? thats fucked up. i'm so pissed.

i don't even know anymore.

xx- jena

:: 2003 4 October :: 11.25am
:: Music: you know you're right, Nirvana, south park theme,matrix fight kungfu fight scene music,( this is the

she's right, i was right, we're all fucking right
Well, now that this is partielly cleared up, i've got some stuff to do......... shit i hate this part, oh well......I have to go before i'm shot by my sister

:: 2003 4 October :: 11.02am
:: Music: you are the perfect drug, NIN

wow......
i actually believe it. man i was so tired last night that i couldn't remember what i'd said, so i went over the conversation this morning. i was so stupid in them, so so stupid, but i was happy, and i still am, sort of, but yeah........ i've got may head but my head is unraveling, can't keep control can't keep trck of where it's traveling, i got my heart but my hearts no good and your the only one that's understood, I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, i shouldn't go but wrenching dragging shaking, turn off the sun pull the stars from stars from the sky, and i want you, and i wan't you, and i want you, AND I WANT YOU! you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug, you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug.
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside, i see the truth when i'm all stupid eyed, you go straight to my heart, with out you everything just falls apart, my thoughts want to say hello you to you, my feelings want to get inside of you, my sole's sole fight to to realize to realize, every little thing just falls apart, and i want you, and i want you, and i want you, and I want you, and i want you, you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug the perfect drug, you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug, you are are the perfect drug........................with out you, with out you, everything falls apart, with out you, it's not as much fun to peices, with out you, with out you every thing falls apart, with out you, with out you it's not as much fun to pick up the peices.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 3 October :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: sleepy & happy
:: Music: evanescence - going under

bored but good

Clarissa Explains it All. Little brothers piss you
off and your best friend climbs up a ladder...
But of course that's not weird to you because
you're Clarissa Darling

What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
brought to you by Quizilla

6 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 3 October :: 10.15am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Fight fire with fire

she said it.
wow. i'm stubborn, i still don't believe it. she said it right to my fucking face abd I still don't believe it. maybe i was halucinating, or dreaming, or something, but i can't remember clearly, I just remember thinking about it, and getting "gooy". well, i have to be at school in halph an hour, so i'll shut up now.

:: 2003 3 October :: 9.39am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: silver chair - do you feel the same

i wish i knew the ending
yeah, whatever.. "life sucks; then you die." ahh. i love saying that. it just kinda- lightens up your day. =)

what day is it again? oh yeah.. friday. sucky old friday. i actually used to like fridays, well then again i actually used to like life. errr- okay, maybe i lied. but oh well. at least i used to like FRIDAYS. but i just don't like anything anymore. -sighs.

jim went to work yesterday at 4.. and he said he'd call me when he got home. but i guess he forgot.. i waited til like 1:00 in the morning. but no call. i'm worried though cause i still can't get ahold of him, so wtf. he should know i'd get worried.. god, i'm so mad!

everythings so blurry
and everyones so fake
and everybodys empty..
and everything is so messed up
be occupied without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
and i stumbled and i crawl
you can be my someone..
you can be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene..

sorry- listening to puddle of mudd now. -sigh. [i don't put down every song that i listen to, just the first one when i start writing my entry.] so don't get confused.. oh wait- i just read over that and confused myself.
disreguard that last paragraph.

i got a new bed for my room. and a new computer desk. well- really they aren't new. the computer desk was my moms and she got a different one, and the bed was my brothers, and he doesn't need it anymore.. it's kinda funny really; because i'm not worth getting anything new for.
lol.. i'm not worth it.

god, i wish there was fuckin school today. i hate being home alone. [yeah, my family is here. but like i said, i'm alone.] i can't believe i'm actually wishing for school.. god i miss jim.

i have to go over amys tonight- which sucks. only because she's not even gonna be home tonight, she has to go to an away football game [she's in the band]. so i'm stuck at her house for hours probably with her sister.. [i don't know if her sister will be there though] but oh well. i'll fuckin get over it. like i get over everything else.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time. like when i was about 5, and i was always up my aunts. and i didn't know about boys, heartbreaking, depression, being poor or just anything like that. it's so much easier being a little kid. yeah i wanted to grow up so much back then and be like my older brother. but i'm sayin fuck it now.. i want to go back when i was little. i don't like knowing all the shit that i know. it's sorta just like to much shit to handle anymore. to much for my brain to process. it's just to much anymore.. to many responsiblities.. to many things to do. so many things. to many.

i hate looking at pictures.
they bring back to many memories.
god damn them.

thats all. i'm done complaining.
xx. jena

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 2 October :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

dreaming again, the first almost normal dream i ever had
hmm... nice day isn't it?

yeah...

look at all the bugs. what do they live for?

who cares?

not me. hahaha! stop that, it tickles!

oh come on, it's just a little grass.

so what.

so this....

wha-.........

don't look so confused. i know told you. couldn't you hear me scream it on the phone, right after you said it? right after you you said it. are you deaf or something?

or something...

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2003 2 October :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: shnigif
:: Music: heaven is on it's way

OK....shit....fuck....no....ARGH!
If anything weird happened, it happened today. It was faiely embarassing actually. I wanted to shoot myself, so Yeah, I wasn't thinking, then I looked at her, thought about kissing her, and I shnigiffed. It was weird as hell. I nearly fell over, because It was a really bad one to. Normally they feel weird, this one hurt. Yeah, and then I went into her head, and I saw it again, so what the hell am I saying? well, if you don't understand, chances are I don't want you to, so ha! oh yeah, fuck...........................................................

:: 2003 2 October :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: something on kazaa

*oi* i'm stressed
band sux...we're gonna screw up the half time show...but that's ok...cuz we know we tried...but whatever...

i'm tired...school is long...school is boring...but whatever...

i'm in a whatever mood huh?...

:: 2003 2 October :: 12.30am
:: Mood: EXTREMLY PISSED OFF

let's get something straight here...
i'd LOVE to know what you think for once...

don't stand behind someone & let them ask all the questions for you...

don't say you trust me, when someone questions me 24/7...

& that someone gets you to doubt me...

if you are concerned bout something then ask ME personally...

don't have your fucking bitch do all your work for you...

you know who the fuck you are & usually i don't get this mad, but i'm tired of keeping it in me all this time...

either this needs to be fixed...

or i'm out...

:: 2003 1 October :: 9.22pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: FLAW - through the eyes CD

actions speak louder than words...
but with that said sometimes actions can be interpreted wrong...

with that...i say...

to those of you who choose to see that i'm cheating on joey w/ danny....

YOU CAN ALL FUCK YOURSELVES...CUZ IT AINT TRUE...

before you shit talkers wanna start something...bring it to me first...

fuckers...