iM THE GiRL WHOSE SWEEPiNG<br>YOU OFF YOUR FEET<|3

:: 2004 27 December :: 2.22pm

yesterday was a hectic, crazy, wonderfizzle day.
i say wonderfizzle because im a nerd.
i saw it was because you made it that way.

so the day started out rough, yes.
but it ended perfect.
you really are everything that i need to be secure.
everything i need to be comfortable.
we're so alike it scares me, but makes me feel all... [adjective here].

i saw a side of you that i never thought i'd see.. not until later that is.
and it was beatiful. it really was. you're such an insanely beatiful person. and that makes me happy! *smiles.

you're so cool.

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 26 December :: 8.19pm

Jim and I went to his grams, dads, and sisters last night.

I got some gifts. So did Gab.

Jims dad gave me $100, Kim gave me $25 gift certifiticate for JcPennys, his uncle Steve gave me $30, his mom got me a pair of Betty Boop PJs, & a photo album.

Gab got a "Build a Bear" from John (Jims dad), a cute little froggy thing from Kim, books, baby einstine (SP?) DVD, and a "count with me" doll from Donna (Jims mom).

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 26 December :: 1.02am

Jim and I are back together. Being apart from him just made me realize how much I love him.. I guess I should know that we were ment for each other.. nothing can break us apart.

He got me
*a box of Saris Candy
*Chocolate covered pretzles.
*Smelly good candle
*A big huge basket from Bath and Body Works.
*The cutest card in the world.

Now for the drama.. read my "friends only" entry tomorrow.

:: 2004 25 December :: 9.59pm

christmas was good. today was good. it started out rough, no lie... but theres no better feeling then being able to run to the one person who can just hold me and make everything better. ok, not everything better. but you sure have a way of comforting me, and melting away the pain. i wont elaborate, you know what i mean.

i met a bunch of keegans family today. i went over to his house around 11 (ish). his mom hugged me twice.... *smiles. i love that family.. i feel like its a second home. how weird does that sound... but i do. and i love that. i love being there because it feels so homey! and the rest of his family was so nice... im a shy one, i can admit.. but it was a good day. he's so good to me. you're so good to me!

i went to my aunt and uncles today.... and as i was sitting around the table listening to the crazy ramblings of the childs family... i thought to myself... so this is what its like to have family. because lately i've often thought that we were at a lack of one. but i realized today, that i would rather be nowheres else than with that side of my family. i had dinner there, and laid down for a nap, and shelby and ashley came tearing in the room i was trying to sleep in full force.... so i didnt take a nap. but it was so nice today. the i went back over to keegans and just .... (whats the word to describe perfection?) whether with his mom and his sister, or just each other... its just right. its just right.

so in regards to my christmas... i wont bore you with a detailed list of what i got.... just that it was an amazing day.

merry christmas loves.
erika.

4 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 24 December :: 1.37am

you leave me speechless and unable to draw a breath.
you leave me breathless and unable to comprehend time.
timeless, is our campaign.
you are incredible.

(to say the least)!

tonight was near perfect. close to perfect as perfect can get. i cant understand it.. i really cant. the way you make me feel, the way our eyes meet in the darkness. there's something magical about us. never have i ever felt this way before. nobody has ever made me feel like... me. i'm finding myself more and more each time we're together. and its genuine, it really is me. how cool are we?! i mean seriously. look at the total extremes of tonight. i keep going over every moment we spent together, and in each memory i keep a faded smile that comes out when i think of you. i cant even go on to talk about us or tonight.. because im feeling speechless.

there just arent words for it.

11 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 23 December :: 11.44pm

Today, Jim and I went Christmas shopping for Gabrielle.

We kissed. And held hands.

What's going on?

:: 2004 22 December :: 9.22pm

i shopped all day today.
all day.
i dont want to shop ever again.
ok i lie.

im feeling all sick. stuffy, just blahh.
curse you damn weather.

maybe just because im feelin mreh..
but at this moment, im trying to think of something to say, but am entirely blank of any emotion.

all im doin is blankly staring at the screen.
thats e'nuff.

7 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 22 December :: 7.56pm

Jim and I are just friends..

There goes 2 years.

yadiffy04

:: 2004 22 December :: 9.01am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Stairway to heaven- Led Zeppelin

Hey all,

jeez, its been awhile, morg and I are cool again, Im going out with grace again, and its all good, merry christmas, and a happy new year!!

Stevo

P.S. Sorry its so short, nothing interesting goes on in my life.

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

6 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 21 December :: 11.32pm

i never want to have a phone call like that, ever again.

it kills me, it really does. one of my best friends in the world, and look what happend. there's nothing i can do about it, nothing i could do to make it better.

i need to rant for a moment...

do you see what sex does? do you see? can you even begin to grasp the seriousness of it? she gave herself away to a guy who never respected her. never cared about her. and she made an awful mistake this weekend. i warned her about it, i told her it was a bad idea.... going to a hotel, how romantic is that. but she did anyway, and now she's sitting at home heartbroken. it really hits home for me. i know where i stand on sex before marriage, but she thought she did to. and she gave in to temptation and now is regretting it. so bad is she regretting it. it kills me to have to console her and tell her everything will get better. but what about the next month, just praying that she's not pregnant. he was using her for himself, and her being the sweetheart that she is, was completely fooled. i realize that yes, it does take two people... but it really doesnt matter. now i have to pick up the pieces that their mistake has left her in.

it makes me sad. nobody can resist themeselves anymore. everyone is giving in. every day you hear of somebody else.. another couple, another girl pregnant. its almost become a joke, and deffinately the major source of gossip at our school. it makes me sick to think that something so huge is being taken so lightly. people you would never expect.... and its gone. you can never get it back. is that something you're willing to sacrifice.

gahhh.. and now i sound like im preaching.. but im so upset right now. it IS a big deal, and now she realizes that.. too late. its just too late.

dont make that mistake, and if you care at all about the people who care ABOUT you, listen to them when they tell you you're doing something you KNOW is wrong.

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 21 December :: 8.38am

this is to early for me.
i had to get up at 8 to make sure shelby was up and ready for tina to pick her up... so i try and check my email and it wont work. i hate that. crucial time for my email to work, and so it doesnt. what are the odds... gahh. it frustrates me.

im going to keegans house this morning... if tina ever picks shelby up that is.

:: 2004 20 December :: 11.28pm

how about that.
huh.

overwhelming... absolutely.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 20 December :: 1.17am

i sent it.

4 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 19 December :: 10.58pm

yesterday was amazing. i want to volunteer at toys for tots every year. there were a few people i came across, that i didnt want to leave. to see what this organization does for those families, and how greatful they are, it really touches you. i was talking to this one lady, and she told me that she always used to donate toys, and then she lost her job this year, and how ironic it is that you never know what could happen. how now she's depending on other people's kindness. its incredible. i wont go into it, but i would advise all of you to think about volunteering next year.

after i came home and cleaned up a little, keegan picked me up and we went to gorters for awhile. interesting kid, he is. it was fun though. gorters a good guy... he is. just not in public restaraunts.... resterants... forget it. "public eating places". gahh.

just so you know. everything you ever told me im going to take as a lie. i regret every moment we spent together. i regret letting myself be fooled by you. you were never honest. you were never who i thought you were. morals dont change, something that was so important once, doesnt lose importance. we were based on a lie, which to me is non-existance. i was truely happy for you, i thought you had finally found someone to settle you down, to help you straighten out your life. what an idiot i was to think that you could be level headed. what an idiot i was to ever believe every lie you told me. i hope you get her pregnant.

on a lighter note...
honey, i love you. lets rent johnny movies and eat high calorie foods that we'll regret eating later. and laugh and giggle relentlessly and tell your sister to shut the light off because theres a glare on our lovers face. lets reminse on the times that we werent cutting into eachother and figure out why things have changed. lets bake something yummy and refuse to share it with anyone.. like our ice cream. lets talk about the play, cuz we havent even done that. lets just be best friends again.

im going shopping in the morning. i gotta finish keegan, brandi, shelby... random people. after christmas im gonna get becky and all my friends stuff, moneys kinda "not there" right now. my checks gonna suck tomorrow.

tonight was so much fun. i went to keegans house after i got out of work. which was so awesome, cuz he doesnt even care seeing me in my work clothes, and i dont either. i changed when i got there.. then we *get this* wrapped christmas presents for our moms, he made me hot cocoa, and then watched desperate housewives. such simple things, and we have so much fun together. everything we do is soo perfect. i was all layed back tonight, changed into pj's.... and i feel like i bonded with his sister a little bit more, which is awesome, cuz she's such a sweet girl! and his mom... *smiles* im just so happy! ahhhh.... im going there for christmas. and im making shrimp dip.. and his mom asked me if i was comming over.. and ahh, i just had to spout all that quick. im glowing right now, i love that feeling.

christmas is almost here. where did it come from? totally snuck up on me this year. im excited, but its not the same. we dont even have our stockings, they're in storage. this is the first year without our own tree, our own ornaments, christmas music. i dont even think we're gonna make cookies. which really makes me sad. we've never not made cookies. we've never not had a family christmas. im not saying that we're not. but its different, and i dont like it. its not cozy. i want to beable to cuddle up on a couch beneath my little mermaid blanket and watch old christmas cartoons while my little sister tears through our living room after my cat trying to make him play dress up. i want to hear our furnace kick on, i want to sit in the middle of my room and just look around, knowing that it is just my room. i want him to feel awful for what he's done in the past, and grow up and accept everythings he's missed. i want that whole situation to make sence. i want to look into his eyes and see my own looking back at me... i want that to scare me. i want that to make me wanna cry. i want something out of this, i just want him. and then i dont. and then i confuse myself and stop thinking. i want to beable to think about it though. what will i say to him? how can you put into words all these feelings. so many times have i expressed this in poetry, or in journals, or to friends. so many times have i cried over this, and now its in my hands. maybe this is god telling me that he's always had something in store for me, and i just needed to be patient. he brought someone back into my life, he's taken some away. and look at me, im striving on. im making it... it hurts, and its hard, but im doing it.

i was gonna clean my room... brandis room, our room, that room im staying in.... that one. stupid procrastination.

stupid spelling...

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 17 December :: 6.50am
:: Mood: awake

So the other night my mom and George were home.. for there "once a week" time with us. All George ever does is yell yell yell at Sam and Anna. It pisses me off so much. So the other night I got so pissed of Gabrielle and I went up my Aunt Loraines. My mom was like "Where are you going" "Up Aunt Loraines" "Why, so you can get up in the morning?" "No, because I'm not going to sit down here and listen to you two yell. That's all you ever do when your home. You're never home to begin with and when you are all you do is yell." and I walked out the door. So the next day [yesterday] Gabrielle got her shots.. and on the way home my mom said something about staying up til 3:00 in the morning, and I asked her why she did that she was like "Well when you left last night I thought about what you said and you're right. All we do is yell, but it seems to be more George than me.. so I tried to talk to him about it last night but we just got into a fight so I went in the back to clean." And then that was the end of our conversation about that.

Yesterday Gabrielle got her frist shots.. ): FOUR AT ONCE!! they gave her two in both thighs.. She screamed her head off.. and I cried. I couldn't stand her crying like that. She just looked at me with her eyes that said "How could you do this to me??" She only cried for about a minute, then she fussed a little bit. All in all she did great. I just hated her crying like that. It was a terrible feeling not being able to do anything about it.

So Wed. and Thurs. I didn't go to school.. Tuesday night I hurt my back so bad I couldn't go to school Wednesday, and Thursday Gab had her doctor apointment and my mom couldn't come get me at school.

Blah blah blah.. right now I'm just waiting for Kelly to get ready so her mom can take us to school. I still have like 25 minutes or so.. it's 6:54 right now.

<3

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 15 December :: 5.23pm

i wish i knew what to feel!

this is all a little bit to overwhelming.... never in my life did i ever expect for this day to come. and its here.... how weird is that. it isnt sinking in, it isnt real.

and i dont think that im feeling how i should be, or maybe to much of how i should be... but how am i supposed to feel. i dought there's any guidelines.

this is crazy.

thank you so much for being there for me through all this, in everything you do, i cant express how much this means to me. you really are a miracle.. i hope you know that.

:: 2004 14 December :: 9.39pm

interesting.. to say the least.

im not sure how i feel about all this.

:: 2004 13 December :: 10.50pm

contact has been established.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 13 December :: 6.58pm
:: Mood: lazy

Today was okay I guess. I went to school, blah blah blah.. Jim came to pick Becky, Kelly and I up. We dropped Kelly off at home then Jim took Becky and I to her house.. and that's where I am now. I'm helping her with her Child Development project. She's totally getting a 100% on it. (:

We were outside spray painting it, and I got brown spray paint all over myself.. anyone know how to get it off other than gasoline?? Yuck

I guess that the roads are bad because my brother was supposed to come pick me up my Mom called and asked if I could just stay over here because she didn't want Dustin driving on them. Yuck, I hope we have a two hour delay tomorrow. (:

So I'm staying here for the night.. I miss Gabrielle.. I wish I was home; only to see her. Or better yet I wish she was here with me. ):

<3

4 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 12 December :: 5.18pm

today was a lazy day. a wonderful, lazy day.

shelbys christmas program was this morning, she was a little angel... kind of a stretch, nooooooo. she is.

i came home from church, put lounge (ish) clothes on.... napped for 2 hours, which i NEVER do. did some homework, and now im here.

so chris informed my mom tonight that he's leaving for florida wednesday morning and wont be back until the hearing in feburary. im uneasy... i dont know why yet. something isnt right. why would he just up and leave shelby? and before christmas? its almost a miracle, because until FEBURARY we wont have to deal with him... but thats the part that worries me. he wouldnt just make it that easy for us. its his soul purpose to destroy every aspect of our lives... why would he just leave. i dont know....

found something interesting yesterday... whether or not i pursue it is still in question. a part of me is nervous, a part of me thinks its only right that i do. once again.. i dont know.

i started to think about him today. and what i would say to him if i was to ever see him. i've come to the conclusion that i'd just cry and scream. what good does that do. sometimes i wonder... well i guess it doesnt matter what.... by i do, and it bothers me, and it frustrates me, i hate feeling out of control. i hate waiting for something to happen, when in truth.. it never will. i guess accepting that is the next step.

i dont like that they're breaking up. in my eyes, they're perfect for eachother. grrrrr. i cant even get ahold of her to find out whats going on.

a positive i've gained in the past two weeks.... im finally happy for him. i can finally put my worries aside, and accept everything and move on. not that i hadnt.. but im so much more at ease. i know nothing of this girl, which may be a good thing, that i know nothing that is..... but he seems happy, finally. a sincear happy, i can see it. and that makes me.... well, happy for him. its a good feeling.

and i can finally say that im (trying to think of a different word than "happy"... but regardless you get the point). he's opened my eyes to things i've neglected to see. im more in tune with myself now then i ever was. never have i been more connected to someone than we are to eachother. its so comfortable, so ideal, so right. and yes, it happend fast, i can admit that. but with him time has always been irrelevant. when we're together, time has no bearing. for lack of properly expressing exactly what it is that puts this permanent smile on my face... im gonna stop here.

i've never mentioned the play yet have i. it was incredible. an experience that i'll cherish forever. it ended in the best way possible.. i'll be forever greatful to the cast and mostly to H for making one of my *corny moment* dreams come true. i gained alot more than just an awesome experience though..... *smiles.

desperate housewives is on in like a half an hour... i've become sickly addicted. its sad.... its just one of those shows. i advise you to watch it.... mmm hmmm.

i pray that we'll have a snow day tomorrow. pleeeease let there be snow.

i've gotta learn to stop rambling.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 11 December :: 8.30pm

tonight was a good night. a really good night.

you make me wanna be that person i never though i could be.
you are that person.

adopt your own virtual pet!

:: 2004 11 December :: 8.35pm

21 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 11 December :: 7.56pm
:: Mood: contemplative

About Andys entry.
:: 2004 11 December :: 12.27pm

It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world when someone tells you about when everyone was sitting around talking about you behind your back. About something that you already feel self-conscious about.

And you realize you're just the butt of the jokes.

Isn't that the truth.

In reality there are no "true friends" everyone talks about everyone, no matter how close you are. You either do it because you're mad at that person, don't like that person, or whatever else. No one has a "true friend" even if you think you do.

4 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 11 December :: 12.11pm
:: Mood: cheerful

So yesterday Jim came to pick me up at school. We took Rochelle and Kelly with us, dropped Rochelle off at her house then stopped at Mcdonalds to get something to eat. He dropped us off at my house and he started to go to Washington to look at something for my mom, but only came back 5 minutes later and said that he'd go later when we went to the mall. *DING* That's what I said in the frist place.. haha, guys.

Anyways, we went up my Aunt Loraines ate, then Jim went to go get his mom at work. They came out here to get Gabrielle and I.. then We dropped Donna and Gabrielle off at Ronnies and Jim and I went to the mall. We got out tickets to see Oceans Twelve, and I asked Jim what time it started at and he said "8:30" so we went into the mall walked around bought some Christmas presents, saw ROCHELLE!!!! Saw some other dumb people, then we went out to go to the movie.. We got there, handed the guy out ticket stubs, and he was like "This movie started like an hour ago.." Haha, we went an hour late cause Jim read the time on the ticket wrong, so we went and exchanged out tickets.

While we were wating we drove to Wal*Mart to get some Nursery Water for Gabrielle.. on the way out we GOT LOST IN WAL*MARTS PARKING LOT! Yes, now I can actually say that I got lost in Wal*Marts parking lot.. we were walking around for about 15 minutes before Jim was like "I think we came out the other door." And sure enough, he was right. So we found the car and went to the movie. We were on time.

The movie was pretty good. Though I was really in the mood for a scary story. The begining was kinda slow but it got better towards the end.

I got home around 1:00 last night. We definitly have some new memories, huh Jim? HAHA!

Today I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.. Jim wanted me to come over, Amy wants to bake cookies, and Rochelle is coming over around 6-7 tonight. If Amy doesn't call me before 2:00 I'll just go over Jims house, or maybe make him come over here if he's not with his mom Christmas shopping. I don't know.

<3

2 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 10 December :: 3.21am

im so tired all the time.

today should be a good day. we're making pies for a red flannel thing, the dance is tonight, i got work off.

and then tomorrow im gonna be with keegan, and then alyssa.

its nice having weekends where you can just.... stop. stop everything, and not think about anything.

have a good day loves...

5 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 9 December :: 12.50pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: chevelle - send the pain below

I'm sitting here.. at home drinking TANG. Oh this drink is the shit. Anyways. I didn't go to school today. I woke up, looked at the clock it was 6:15 and it was to late so I fell back asleep. Kelly called me at 7:20 and was like "Jena, are you coming over.. my mom is taking us to school" I just told her no that I had just woken up. *sighs* I guess I shoulda went to school.. but I miss Gabrielle.

Yesterday after school Jim came to pick Kelly and I up. I specifly told him to PARK AT THE END OF THE SIDEWALK. So we wouldn't have to wait for the buses to leave.. but noooo. HE HAD TO PARK IN THE PARKING LOT!! Jim, damn you! But oh well. I got over it. After he picked us up, we went to Cokeburg, followed the bus. Looked for Amy to pick her up and take her home but we didn't see her.. so we went to get Randi, but her mom picked her up! Damn my plans were ruined- so we went to Bentlyville and got some McDonalds. Then he took us home and I got to see my Gabrielle. Jim stayed til about 5:20 then he had to go pick up his mom at work.

At about 5:30 my Aunt Loraine called and said she was leaving for the meeting in about 10 minutes, so I hurried up and got ready. We went to the meeting, had a good time. Bridg came to sing for us (BRIDG YOU WERE GREAT!!) Linda and I wrapped baskets. All in all, I had fun.

Jim called.. I tired to call him back but no one answered his phone.. then this morning I remembered I was supposed to call him at Ronnies. Stupid me.. I forget everything. Becky and Rochelle also called me.. I was a popular girl last night. I gave Becky my invite code.. her journal is paperheart so make sure you leave her a note or something. <3 you Becky!!

I've been trying to call Jim, but he hasn't been answering the phone, he's probably sleeping. I wanted him to come over. *sigh* I'll keep trying.

This is definfitly the longest entry I wrote in a long time. I never have anything to write about though.. I guess that's why. Well, Sam and I are going to play Monopoly.

6 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 7 December :: 9.46pm
:: Music: salava - all because of you

I need you.. but I doubt you need me.

I'm taking everyone off my Friends list. No one seems to comment anymore. Comment if you want back on.. I'll add you.

3 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

:: 2004 7 December :: 5.27pm

so i went to danielles house to study history... instead we tried on random articles of clothing and had a tea party with "i love ike" cheese cake and chi. chi for lack of proper spelling.. regardless it was good, and regardless i am destined to fail.