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everyone we know is growing old

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:: 2009 5 September :: 12.59pm

sus's birthday is in less than a month.. and its a big birthday. and i won't really have any money for it.

and it's really fucking retarded. i mean, i know we have rent, no bills covered, but we'll have next month's rent. and i might be able to get help with food and i have a credit card coming.. but still..

i probably will have enough for the present i want to get him too, but as for a party.. plus we don't really have any friends... and i'm just worried this birthday will suck for him and i really really don't want that.

i mean really, i knew i couldn't top last year, but this is just ridiculous.

:/

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 3 September :: 10.54am

i almost feel guilty about eating breakfast..

we won't have food money for the next three or four weeks since we both are starting working on the same day and have to wait 3 weeks to get paid. plus i need to use most of my check for stupid credit cards..

maybe my parents will help..

oh well! at the end of 3 weeks we'll be in the bank! haha

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 29 August :: 5.09pm

i'm kinda really scared..

i don't want to find out what it is..

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 28 August :: 6.11pm

i totally almost cut off the tip of my finger today.. i got blood all over.. but not in the food!

it hurt but its ok now..

a little worried about oney, but what's new? we're going to have to stay here for a while since sus's mom can't help us now and we both are just.. in crap city..

bleh.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 26 August :: 9.04pm

my mom called me back :) that made me happy.

i watched the top 100 songs of the 80's today. those were better days for music. i like all the optimistic songs. which is kinda funny since i'm so pessimistic it hurts.

i bounce around a lot in my moods. and everyday i tell myself i'm going to call one of these doctors and ask him to give me some medicine and refer me to a psychologist who i can acutally relate to.. i'm so tired of being negative all the time.. but the sad thing is i've been sooooo negative for so long now that i honestly can't be optimistic. i find every reason to see any situation as negative, even if its irrational.

and the people i'm with.. hate it. and don't want to enable and nurture this flaw.. but it just makes me feel so alone and bad because i have this problem. its like.. a horrible loop of negativity.

i just wish i wasn't so messed up. its embarrassing. and it makes me feel like one of the stupid people who just pretend for attention.

:/

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 26 August :: 5.33pm

i know i perceive things incorrectly a lot. and i assume incorrectly often.. but the more time passes me more sure i am that my family really is done with me and doesn't want to have me as a daughter anymore..

zuzu was really nice and friendly when i talked to her, and that made me really happy and a little sad.. i want to be her friend and be a sister to her, but i.. don't really know. it doesn't seem like she wants/needs a sister and i don't really know how to be a sister.

i called mom's cell to tell her i got a job. she didn't anwser or call me back so i asked ori to tell her i called.. i doubt she'll call me back. and i'm too scared to call my dad. i don't know why but they terrify me to no end, even when there isn't really anything for me to be scared of. i really shouldn't feel scared to share good news with my family.

i just really wish things had never gotten so fucked up. but they've been fucked up since i can remember.. since i was like.. 10 i've had a negative relationship with them. fear, shame.. i've always felt different and ostrasized from them..

but i don't know.. i'm not like them. i'm really not like any of them.. and i think that's the biggest reason why we have such a shitty time trying to relate.. :/ i just really don't know what to think anymore.

sometimes i hate being who i am because it makes my parents love me less and support me less. and i'm not saying that because i'm assuming it, its because through their actions, i've seen a lack of love or support for many years.. and it hurts to think that i can't be myself comfortably around them. or that they'll never be able to love me because of me.

idk.. it feels so hopeless. and i want to give up. but i can't.. because another part of me wants parents that love me..

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 26 August :: 1.18pm

"All the time we spent in bed, counting miles before we said, fall in love and fall apart, things will end before they start."

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 26 August :: 11.49am

Well I got a job!

Working for ICT Group selling Sprint products..

I'm not super excited just cuz its a sales position and I don't like sales, but I am super happy that I got a job in this economy and I'll finally start feeling worthwhile again.

Last night was really fun too. I got waaaay too drunk and got sick, but not before lauren left, so its all good. it was nice, it felt like old times.. :D

Cy comes back in a few days. Hopefully she won't be insanely sick still when she gets back!

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 24 August :: 1.47pm

so we're not going to alaska..

and i still don't have a fucking job..

i'm feeling insanely low, stupid, fugly, fat and worthless.

and really lonely...

i really hate this. everything. i just want to eat and we're too poor to buy food anytime soon.

i hate spokane.
i hate my life in spokane..

i hate so much.

i especially hate myself today.

what's wrong with me? why won't anywhere hire me? just fucking shoot me.

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 23 August :: 4.06pm

ZOMGZZZZZZZ we totally might be visiting alaska next week!!!>!>!>>!>!>k4c12oitnblsokjfdhga;lksfdlk ajsdlkfajsdlfkjasdf

I CANNOT tell you how FUCKING excited I am about it!!!11!1111!!!one!

I love alaska! and ever since we came back last october its all I can think about (besides moving back to seattle) I had such a good time there last time and I LOVE sus's mom to death and it's going to be sooooo beautiful and cool and wonderful and we're going to the fair and we're going to go site seeing

and the best part is sus is going to do some work for his mom and make some money :D so its like a paid vacation! WOOO

:D:D:D:D:D

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 22 August :: 2.45pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: savage garden - affirmation

well well well
today has turned out to be a pretty awesome day.. despite being out $100.

The letter I wrote to my parents had the desired effect... I finally stood up to them and it didn't blow up in my face. I feel like I made a big step towards being truly independent and happy.

I made some tuna fish patties today :3 and they turned out awesome. There is seriously no food I can think of right now that's more comforting (unless, of course, I could make some alphabetty ghetty!) :3 And they turned out perfect. No burns, not raw! Go me!

And I finally found someone I think would be a perfect match for a room mate. Of course she'll need to mature a little, but I think that's the stage she's in. Plus she can talk about things that aren't her. And she actually knows about art. HAHA AMAZING!! (and it doesn't hurt that she's super cute)

And I may be getting a friend back who I've been missing terribly since our last ending.. We've had a lot, but I always feel sad after it. I can't believe how stupid and pig-headed I can be sometimes..

But! Things are finally changing. And things will be getting better, however slowly.. (and I have found a few jobs to apply to, I really, really hope they pan out..)

Well.. that's all.

I'm just super excited about today. :D

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 21 August :: 10.26am

i really, really fucking hate my life.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 19 August :: 1.10pm

i met a cute girl the other day. we've been talking a lot. she's super SUPER into me, which is kinda weird because no one has been super into me since sus (which was a year ago..) and now she's all "ZOMG you made my day by talking to me!!" and "OMG visit me at work!! I can't wait that long to see you!" and calling me sexy and things..

i wish my self-esteem wasn't so shit-tastic. :/
especially after that whole richelle thing.

peole kinda suck a lot.

but!! yesterday I had sushi. so it isn't so bad. :)

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 12 August :: 12.41am

the fountain is offically the saddest movie i have every watched.

and it's the first movie to make my heart physically hurt in a long time.

it was very, very beautiful.
and if you haven't seen it yet..

watch it.

because they world won't look the same after.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 11 August :: 4.15pm

well, roommate shopping has been going ok.
a girl named steffani has called me twice :) she's pretty eager.

i'm tired.
my work out was interrupted a lot.

i'm thinking about buying an iphone.. but idk..
I'm just so fucking SICK OF MY SHITTY PHONE ALWAYS FREAKING TURNING OFF AND STAYING OFF AND I MISS CRAP grrrrrr

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 11 August :: 12.45am

i'm so bored.. and a little buzzed. and it really FUCKING sucks.

i haven't felt so ugly and stupid in my whole life.
i hate this.

i just wish i could be something special again.
but i never will be.

fuck life.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 6 August :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Snow Patrol

teh lightnings!
There is a HUGE storm outside right now!! It is crazy pouring and thunder and lightning all over!! It gives me goosebumps!

Sus gave me one of my anniversary presents today! It was more memory for my computer! That means I can actually use it for something other than internets and it will actually work! So I've been listening to music and working on the last part of his gift.. I really hope he likes it. I cried making it! It is really special to me. I think it'll be for him too.

I also cleaned the kitchen and tidyed up the living room and guest room. I didn't clean as much as I would have liked, but I didn't really feel motivated or anything today.. too shitty of a night last night.

But man, listening to this music and doing things with my hands and this huge summer storm is perfect for feeling happy and wonderful and in awe of how spectacularly breath-taking the world can be. I'm so happy that I'm with such a wonderful person and that we can celebrate a hard year with a perfect day. and evening.

I really can't wait for tomorrow. It'll be so amazing :)

p.s. our new downstairs neighbors and two little girls and a little boy. i can hear them squeeking right now because of the lightnings :3 chillin's are so coote.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 5 August :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: crushed

i really, really just need to give up.

i'm nothing but a burden and a bad choice to them.
and i really need to be ok with that.

i'm just numbers. negative numbers. and i'm done with it.

i hate them.
and they hate me.
and that's all that needs to be said.

i want to die.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 4 August :: 5.05pm

i kinda want to laugh really hard.. and cry.. like a whole lot.

i ate pizza last night.. and LOST 2 POUNDS imagine that! haha. i still have 30lbs to lose in 3 months.. with kinda sucks since after the first 30 nothing wants to come off.. but i'm determined and I know i can do it.

I wrote my parents an email yesterday.. i'm afraid to check if they've written me back because i'm terrified of what they'll say. i don't really know what horrible thing they could say that i'm not already expecting. it's almost like i feel as though if i open it they'll jump out of the screen and kill me. its like a panic attack just thinking about it.

i really can't wait to move back to seattle at this point. i'm ready to have a good job and be making money so i can put myself through school and show everyone that i can do it.

bleh.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 3 August :: 11.17pm

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then - the glory - so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished..."

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 3 August :: 1.03pm

i want a job. :(
i hate this.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 1 August :: 12.54pm

there was a lot of blood.
and it was kinda scary to see..

anyway.. Kitty is FINALLY leaving today.

my parents basically told me that my brother having health insurance is more important than me having health insurance.. and that i need to some how get back to school. (i think what they meant was dump the bf, move in with them and go to eastern.)

idk. i realized that the reason kitty can talk of nothing but herself is her IQ. and I realized that I need to start hanging out with intelligent people. ones who can talk about things other than themselves. like josh :)

i have to hang out in the bedroom until kitty leaves. which sucks cuz the bedroom is hot and uncomfortable during the day.. i will take a nap once she leaves.

blah.. One year anniversary coming up! Super excited! It's going to be so fricken awesome!

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 29 July :: 5.41pm

richelle is spending the night on thursday and it will be drunken super silly fun-ness when we all hang out.

UNFORTUNATELY Kitty is being a big old stupid dumb bitch and doesn't want to leave for the night so we can actually have fun and not be dominated by her constant lies and babble. so.. we'll see what happens.

wednesday of next week we're having a girl named robin over. i met her today. she reminds me of lauren, only minus all of the fucking retarded insecurities and flaws and plus super cuteness and intelligence behind her eyes. i'm really excited to meet her!

i really, really, really can't wait for kitty to pack her shit and leave. i don't want to deal with her eating my food, touching my stuff, and talking to me with her dead animal breath. I'm sorry if i sound extremely mean but seriously, you try living with her. for 2 weeks. only two weeks. you'll see i'm completely justified in saying these things.

anyway.. i should probably do.. something.. but i'm tired and depressed and i don't want to do anything.. i folded all the laundry, took out the garbage, cleaned the cat box and cleaned the kitchen plus loaded and started the dish washer.. i think i've been pretty productive! and I de-boned like.. 12 chicken thighs.. eww

AND i saw sus on his lunch! which was super nice <3<3 best boyfriend ever. SO FUCKING HOT (and so hot at fucking hehe)

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 28 July :: 3.35pm

stress, stress and more stress.
but nothing really too terrible.

I'm just really worried we won't save enough money for the move. With Kitty leaving and Sus's hours being fucking ridiculous.. There's not really enough for.. anything..

I hate how things are going. I mean, socially they are.. ok.. relationship wise they are fine.. but finacially and matters like that its sucking.

I wish I had never moved out here. GRRR

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 26 July :: 4.10pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: FF6 bitchezz

My first date with a girl!!111!1!one!!11 XD
Yesterday I had my very first date with a girl!! Her name is Richelle and she is SUPER freaking cute and she is really sweet and nice and I really, really had a super amazing wonderful time!!

Usually on the way to meeting new people I get all full of dread and I don't want to go and I freak out and stuff.. But on the drive to Northtown I felt super excited and happy to meet her. I was also kinda butterflies nervous..

We met in Barnes & Noble by the games and we hugged! She's a lot shorter than me, but I love how she does her make up and she's all cute and gothic :) We walked around Northtown talking and window shopping.. I bought her lunch at Edo and we joked about stuff.. It was really easy to talk with her and I didn't feel scared about offending her or anything.. It was really relaxing and fun!

Then her mom told her to come home (she's 18, but her mom still treats her like a little girl.. I really wanted her to come over to my apartment for drinks and a movie, but it didn't happen..) so I drove her home.. I didn't get a kiss or anything, which really bummed me out, but when she ran to her door her skirt flew up a little so it wasn't so bad hehe.

I'm going to take her to a movie tomorrow. We're seeing the Hangover and I am SUPER freaking excited about that. I'm going to try to hold her hand. I'm so nervous. I feel so bad for all the men I teased about this kind of thing.. IT IS FREAKIN HARD!!

But I think she's totally digging me. I'm meeting her mom tomorrow too I think.. So hopefully I can ask for a sleep over thing and her mom will be ok with it and we can all have fun and watch a movie!

ALSO kitty is moving out. which is good news. and that makes me super happy too.

lkadflkalkdsfja;ldsjf;adsjflka;dsfjad YAYAYAYAYYAYYYAAAYYY!!!! things are so fucking awesome right now!

<3<3<3

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 23 July :: 8.44am

OMGZZZZZ DATE NIGHT WAS FRICKIN AWESOME ZOFHGAOIGRJ;AIHR;LKAJFDKLFJALKSJDFA

It was super wonderful date!!
-First! We went to Molly's with Josh and got some really delicious food and talked about girls, and space, and other cool things like how to stop the ice caps from melting! Our waitress was a total ditz, but it was great! And everyone who worked there thought my tattoos were "bad ass" (yes, the cook seriously said they were bad ass WHAT NOW BITCHEZZZ?!?!)
-Second! We went to RPS and scoped out the movies. We decided to see Harry Potter at 5 PM! So we had an hour to kill so we walked around and looked at photographs. He and I have completely different taste in art. Its refreshing :)
-Third! We watched Harry Potter! Which was ok, but I really had to pee thru most of the movie. It was really fun seeing actors from old movies all grown up! And parts of it were really funny. And I didn't cry at any of it! But man, I totally didn't guess who the half blood prince was correctly. Its kinda nice not knowing what's going to happen.
-Fourth! We girlfriend shopped and Sus tried to encourage me smiling at girls, which, might I add, is insanely hard for me for some reason. It's probably cuz they can tell I feel like a total creeper. UGH girls are so intimidating!
-Fifth! We got some sorbet and frozen yogurt from B&J's. Which was super tastey, but gave me a headache from all the sugar!
-Sixth! We drove to Manito and walked around the Duncan and Rose gardens! It was around 9 or so, so it was pretty dark and hard to see how pretty it was, but it was so nice hearing stories and talking about things. :) I picked up a few rose petals to save as a momento (Sus threw our movie ticket stubs away silly boy!)
-Seventh! We came home and got all excited to get drunk and watch The Haunting in Connnecticut! But I ordered the wrong movie on Netflix and we were all disappointed and partially buzzed..
-Eighth! We found out there was a Bruce Campbell section on OnDemand and got all excited (we're geeks I know) and watched the beginning of a few movies (Muppents from Space and The Toxic Avenger). We were quite buzzed at this point.
-Finally! We retreated to our room and has some wonderful, hot, steamy sex! and then we promptly passed out and got 5 hours of sleep!

It was a really super awesome day!
And I didn't have to worry about anything!!

<3

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 19 July :: 2.02pm

i really want to get away from washington for a little bit.
especially spokane.

and i also kind of want to run away from myself.
and my family.
and everything else.

i've been feeling hungry a lot. and i don't really know why.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 18 July :: 10.50am

so i made massage reservations..
and i'm going to make dinner reservations..

and i think on tuesday we're totally doing art by yourself!!!!! ZOMG i am so fricken excited to have enough money to go on a date! yay!

<3<3

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 17 July :: 5.28pm

well.. I think my best outet for rage at smokers is cleaning the house.

Today, I decided that I absolutely despise smokers. Not only do they cause pollution and cancer in themselves, they kill countless other people with cancer, make houses reek, make people sick, allergic and uncomfortable in their own home. They smell, they make everything else smell.. They ruin their teeth. I just really don't understand why you would start such a gross and inconsiderate habit. espeically now. of all times.

i really want to start drinking right now. today has been quite the stressful day.

and i just need to feel giggly and falling over myself drunk.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 16 July :: 9.31am

ah my life is going so well!

i'll be making extra money.
i'll be celebrating one year with my awesome boyfriend in a couple weeks!
i'll be playing video games.
i'll get a massage and have a nice dinner and drink nice alcohol!

yeah.. things are pretty fricken cool.

i don't think anything could ruin how great stuff is right now!

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

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