everyone we know is growing old

:: 2007 7 March :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: scared

d1
uggh.... im so glad that ~~spring~~ winter quarter is almost over. seriously. lskdjf blah
im so tired of school, and i am so ready to be ungrounded.

blah blah blah....

i dont know what to say.

Read more..

:: 2007 6 March :: 6.23am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: the sweets - the yeah yeah yeahs

he doesnt want to
he needs to.

come on.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 5 March :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: bored

it's strange...
the more and more the weather turns into what i love...
the more and more i notice that it doesn't smell the same...
or feel the same...

and the more pictures i look at the more i realize that...
my life was pretty damn good back then..
and my life is pretty damn good now...
but it doesn't stop me from not being happy with it...

i don't know anymore...
i do know i miss fresh air.
which is incredibly weird.
and i smelt flowers today.
and it was sad... because i remembered... (or finally admitted to myself) that I don't like the smell of flowers.

which is kind of strange... but i hate the smell of small blossoms like cherries and stuff... i think they smell like decay, sickly sweet decay.

but i think i'll most likely go back to spokane if not for a little bit this spring break. because i really need to just go home and see spokane. because... i really miss spokane. and it's fresh air.

i miss montana too.

sigh.

damn you city life. damn you.

well......... i love having mental disorders. they make you a part of that 22% of the population who also has a mental disorder. finally... a statistic i can support.

haha.
i get to see kirkery tomorrow <3 yay!

:: 2007 4 March :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: anxious

im having a hard time breathing.

alsdkjf lskdfjsldkfj

panic attacks slkdfjslkdfj blahh

anyway

life is weird as of late
mostly involving the police

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 28 February :: 11.21pm

sometimes i wish i could just forget my life and start over again.

it's so hard to be happy knowing what i've done and knowing what i will do again. i don't want to be a bad person for the rest of my life. and no matter how hard i try it seems like i'm alway a bad person. what i hate the most though is when i am a good person and it isn't good enough... or it is unnoticed.

what i really, really hate is being jealous. i'm jealous of them. i'm always jealous of people like them because they are so lucky and they can't see it. i wish i could be like that, like they are... so in love with eachother that the time they've been together is so rich that it makes up for the eighteen years they didn't know eachother... i wish i had that. i wish i could be near someone who loved me that much physically; to be able to see them and touch them and laugh with them...

i miss eye contact... knowing there is someone and seeing them listening and understanding... i feel like i'm talking to... strangers who don't really... care...

i know they do... but it feels like they don't understand because they don't know me well enough to understand how i'm feeling...

blah
bed?
now?
much...?

yea.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 28 February :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: sufjan stevens

"Don't know about you.

But I believe every detail is a part of the picture. Leaving no stone unturned.

I also believe that your choice of title suggests where the words are coming from. And that the comment is part of the whole.

And yet, what has always intrigued me about all this are the stones themselves, and the unsaid carved into them, glowing faintly in the corner of my mind's eye.

It's opening a book for the first time and reading the ever mysterious dedication.

It's the first thought you have after saying goodbye.

It's the possibility that some day in some way that perfect stranger understands your perfect thought.

It's listening for secrets in the music.

I like that stone alot."

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 27 February :: 7.36am

i think... i hate my life right now.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 27 February :: 4.21am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: miss misery - elliot smith

i didnt know elliot smith was dead, that makes me kind of sad.

being grounded is a pain
college makes me more sad everyday
i have to write an essay four days ago, i dont even know what on...
lsdkjfsldkjf
i want to drift away right now.
i want to make my daddy happy, he needs it.
i want to see loren.
i want to see nicole.
i want to see the world.

christina is really starting to piss me off, all she talks about is sasquatch.. its really annoying. i dont care if you're going a you're going to see the beastie boys or interpol, so stop bragging about it.

sdjfhsldkfj
i am so confused with everything....

at least i have all science fiction novelists on my team.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 26 February :: 6.29pm

i am the one who wants so much to laugh with you right now.

on a completely different note,
my dad should not go to this court hearing alone, jesus.
i feel so bad for him :(

:: 2007 17 February :: 12.04pm

last night it felt like my heart was going to crack my ribs and tear my skin and sink into the earth.
it felt like the blood in my viens was freezing and i couldn't breath.
my eyes burned and my body was hot like fire from my fever...
and i was going to throw up everywhere if it weren't for the pain in my chest making me choke everything down.
i felt like i was dying.
it felt like i was drowning.
and no one was there to pull me up from the murky sludge that i had fallen into.
and all the songs i knew didn't bring me peace.
and i realized that no matter how many times i paint my soul onto a piece of paper my heart will never stop.
and now all i can do is sit and breath in this dirt air.
and look at the hazy sky that lies to me of joy and peace.
the trees are budding and the flowers are coming up, spring is everywhere...
but in my heart it still feels like the coldest, most bitter part of winter.
every piece of my being screams for a light that i have lost with the love of some of the most dearest people to me.
it hasn't even happened yet, but i can hear the funeral percession starting...
and it's only a matter of time before they are here to rub it in.

i feel like my life is over...
but i know that this is just the beginning...
and eventually my heart with find that pink feathery place...
and i can finally be happy.
because that's all i really want....

is to be... happy...

6 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 15 February :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: at the bottom of everything - bright eyes

AHAHAHAHA

I LOVE NICOLE@!!!;sdjflksjdfoiwe

:: 2007 15 February :: 6.26pm
:: Music: portugal the man

SO MUCH EXCITEMENT

slkdfjslkdjflksdjflksdjf

i think i might explode

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 14 February :: 7.56pm

sometimes i seriously think i hate my parents

:: 2007 14 February :: 5.26pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: tear - red hot chili peppers

today was weird.
but good.
but sad.

i unno.

<3
i got butterflies.

:: 2007 13 February :: 7.18am

wonderful news!!!!! I got my letter from DigiPen today and I totally got in! yesssss....

i have been having a lot of dreams about children lately...
like... two nights ago i dreamt about a little girl.
last night i dreamt about a little boy.
the one with the little girl wasn't magical...
but the one with the little boy was...

and oh how i wish i could really have that.
that little boy was amazing. his name was peter.
and he was the best little boy in the whole wide world...
there was more to that dream than the little boy, but none of it is really important.
because the little boy was so great.
and seeing him leave was really sad...

<3

:: 2007 12 February :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: shout out louds

today was totally not a bad day, im going to miss hanging out with all those people at the falls :(
they're wonderful.

beau was being an ass today.
but eli was really nice, so we hung out and watched Diego in the food court.

pshha.

AND I FUCKING PASSED PORTFOLIO. beat that bitches.
with a tough reader, and i got a mofo'in compliment. sheesh.
i rock.

mmmm, and i dropped logic today.
and i miss morgan
and oli

:: 2007 12 February :: 7.23am

i'm not looking forward to today.
just because i have to go to art...
which is great and i love art...
but i always feel soooooo pressured to be the best in the class and i am no where near the best in that class.
and then i freak out because i'm so insecure...
i hate being insecure.
grr.
i also hate being so large.
grr.

<3

:: 2007 12 February :: 6.19am

i didn't know that...

:: 2007 12 February :: 3.43am
:: Mood: anxious

today feels so messed up.
i keep thinking that today is wednesday but its not, lsdkjflskdjfs.
and im all anxious to talk to my english teacher
im all anxious to drop my classes
i feel like im screwing everything up slkdfjs lkblehhh

idk lsdjfsldkfj
and i couldnt sleep

today is going to be a bad day.

:: 2007 10 February :: 8.20am
:: Mood: disappointed

i
really
wanted
to
go
see
the thermals
with
loren

but no

i had to go and screw things up.

:: 2007 8 February :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: scared

just tie the rope

and kick the chair

just leave me hanging there, gasping for air

yeah dont mind me three feet from the ceiling

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 8 February :: 8.36am

uh eh huh ehh greang;knrewi ;AD A G;A ;A;L kal; sg;l f;ao fg;lakh er;lacfbk adfla;hhrligauhakjdv cauh egluiahbkjblahg

the decision has been made adlsfalkskjdfa;dss

now i just have to wait for the letter...

aohga; oge aljgalkj rgi i'm so nervous...
i hope it's a yes...

gjakherglk ahrelikgj aekj galk gak joigaoig hvalhfgahf;ajflkjasdlkf akjsdhfaksjdhfkajshfdajf avjgas dhakjsa f

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 7 February :: 7.46am

.... what the fuck is wrong with me..?

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 2 February :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: crushed

i feel so alone

and i dont fit in anywhere.

sldkfjsldkfjsdlkfjsdlkf
can i disappear now?
please...

i hate this.

:: 2007 2 February :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Crystal Ball - Keane

kasdjflskdjf

so basically
i forgot what i wanted to say.

but i feel good.
life is good.
and you should feel good too.

:: 2007 2 February :: 5.24am
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: longest winter - pedro the lion

my daddies birthday is tomorrow.

im so sick of being grounded.
i just want to leave this place.

uslkdjfsklsskjfjfjfksloooplsdj

anyway, im glad its friday. i'm really starting to not like school. a lot. i just want to give up. thats bad. hmm. and i hate riding the bus yuk yuk yuk.

so basically i dont know whats going on with me anymore.
i feel like i dont know myself and i feel lost.
but i feel content too.
my stomach is twisting around and driving me crazy.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 1 February :: 7.30pm
:: Music: you will never take me alive - the paper chase

today was... different

and i don't really know how i feel about it.
so many things came at me.

i feel happy

i feel.... new

im wearing a big grin.

:: 2007 31 January :: 9.47pm

well.......
today has been rather uneventful...

my art teacher told me i made a few good drawings and implied that he expected more out of me... i don't know if that's a good thing or not...

gaaaaahhhh i want to know if i got into digipen..... i want kevin to mail that letter!!!!! gaaahahahahgkjrbalkjrgba;lkjgba'dvb

yeah...

i'm starving... but i don't want to go buy food. and bread is gross plain...

hm...