I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
My desk at work has gotten so out of control, I'm stressing out about it just a little bit. I don't normally think about claims after I've left, and I haven't really been thinking too much about this, but when I get to work I just feel so overwhelmed. It's officially been a year since I started in the No Fault department, since my training class became the first adjusters in our department, but it feels like it's only been a few weeks. I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm an ineffective claims handler, but my quality and stats are good, so I can't be that terrible. I'll unbury myself soon, I know, but damn there's a lot of work to be done!

I need to find a therapist I can trust. I think I've finally uncovered some issues I'd love to start working on. Namely how my relationship with Sus destroyed any chance for a healthy relationship with anyone else. I have major trust issues now when it comes to my heart. I sabotage myself before any real deep feelings develop, or if the sabotage doesn't succeed and I develop feelings, I typically start to over analyze and get clingy, destroying the relationship that way. I don't want to be used like that again. I don't want to give anyone that power over me. So where do I draw the line between love/respect and control? I feel like this line has been distorted for me and I have a challenging time figuring it out.

While I can see what my problems are, and the root causes of them, I feel powerless to change these things on my own. I don't even know how to start. Maybe it's too soon, maybe I should just wait longer, but what if the longer I wait, the more engrained this damage will become before it's irreversible and I end up a spinster.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.. Adopting a baby and taking care of it by myself in a few years.. Who needs other people?

i want to hear the stories of your love for me