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robbingnovember

:: 2005 30 December :: 8.37pm

okay... I don't really understand why my best friend lies to me.. like how can i be friends with someone i can't trust.. two days in a row. of lies.. just tell me you are doing something else don't lie about it.. damn. how can i live with you next year?

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 24 December :: 3.06am

When all is said and done, I am okay and better off.

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 22 December :: 3.04am
:: Mood: crappy

Dear Karl,
I guess I have always seemed fickle.. and in a sense so have you. That probably wasnt the best way to start this letter that you will never read. But i guess basically what i am trying to say is that i really did always care. always always always. I think if you had asked me out like any day in the past 2 years I would have undoubtedly said yes. I guess it just hurts to know that you are over it.. if you were ever even under it? I mean you have a new life now and I am not cool or pretty enough or whatever I am not enough and that is fine you know. I don't understand why I care this much. I should just get over it. We both have new lives.. you seem to be really happy.. like they are the people that we never were.. which is fine too... like that is what college is about. I just wish I knew how you could just shut off emotions.. maybe I am imagining that you ever cared. I wish I could talk to you about things like this. I wish you weren't so shut off to me.. it seemed we used to be a lot closer.. you used to be a lot warmer. My head hurts (haha almost typoed heart) and I am crying which is so lame of me. I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did. I wish i didn't drive you away so many times. I guess this is the price I pay for being such a stupid girl

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 1 December :: 10.43pm

why can't i just get it into my head that this will never happen?.. maybe i am just another stupid girl

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 24 November :: 11.00am

I want a divorce.
my wife doesn't give a shit.

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 8 November :: 11.22pm

I read a couple entries back. feelings and feelings. it felt okay. I said how can I go on with life from now on.. but i did. I guess it is true. Life goes on. I woke up and i lived and made memories.. So obviously life went on. I just had french toast and it made me so content. oh frenchtoast. mmm, i am trying to lose 5 lbs to make this one pair of jeans fit the way i want. and for the endorphins. natural high. pot heads.. overrated let me tell you. Now that is a lesson I keep on learning.
I will my skin would stop being so bad.. it is a sign of the apocolypse.
I wish I could b e surrounded by love.. everyone used to love me.. now.. well yeah :(

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sendmemoney

:: 2005 27 September :: 12.19am
:: Music: incubus - beware! criminal



okay that's it breathe in deep now hold it hold it that's it hold
them back don't let them fall exhale release it slowly that's it feel
it ? you have control don't cry don't cry you can read it all you
want the words don't offer any more meaning than they did the last
four times although now you have them memorized and just keep thinking about it STOP
it makes no difference to think about it you knew it you laughed at
this outside the 7-11 without so much as a sideways glance ..
relax , finish the joint and repeat it again and a million different
things you could reply but no no no no no nononono
you're not going to do it no matter what


pause and look over your shoulder to the screen
nothing yet.....

go inside and get it all out sit down and enjoy the show .
forgetaboutit there's nothing to think about anymore !
don't answer it don't answer it don't answer it

that is ..
if it even rings.

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sendmemoney

:: 2005 26 September :: 8.49pm

i want to think that if i had the capacity , i'd spit in your face , tie your sunglasses to a brick and throw it through your window into everything that matters to you . but even if i had it in me , i wouldn't give you that satisfaction . i know ... no ... i want to know that you're just saying things you don't mean , thinking of the things i'm most sensitive about and attacking me because maybe that last watermelon martini was a little too much to handle . i want to think that this is why . i never want to hear you say it though . i never want to hear you say another word because the last ten million you've said have been running circles in my head for the past three days . i could repeat to you every single letter , every typo , every burning adjective . i want to repeat to you every single letter and watch as your face crumples in when you realize what you said , watch as your stomach twists when you remember what you said in days prior . i want to fly into a rage , kick in your door , take knives to all your furniture , your clothes , your bedsheets , and just torch the place . watch it all burn down in one night from one tiny little flame that escalated to a sea of fire . be what you want me to be to make it easier for you to deal with the fact that you destroyed me . i want to KNOW this is tearing you apart inside . i want more satisfaction than just the fact that i'm trying to be adult about this . i want you ... out of my life for good , memories deleted for that eternal sunshine , so the tears no longer rain down unstoppable while i'm trying to be calm , get ready for work , study for my test . it's the closure that everybody seeks that's really just an excuse to see if he's shed any tears over this , see if he's taken that picture down yet . i don't want that closure . i'm done with you . you've been replaced .

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 7 September :: 12.33pm

why can't karl go here...I want to date karl. now now now now now now now.

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 8 August :: 2.03am

and suddenly I'm melting into you
Today in the car I told sara that I just know.
I am scared to admit it, but I know I am in love. Because even the little things I could imagine sharing with him make me feel comfort and happiness. I just think of us just walking through my neighborhood and I can not imagine anything better. Waking up and having cereal.. showing him the sculpture garden. All of which will hopefully be possible in january.
And my secret fear (and knowledge) is that he is not in love with me. I just know he does not think the same or feel the same.
And i have been trying and lying to myself to get over him. Periods of hatred and desperation. But my dreams never let me escape.
I am scared this will never work out. And then what of true love?

on a completely seperate note. One summer quickly replaces another. As is the passage of time. What is of our future? It is replaced by another, as well. All dreams and stories thrown into the sea and eventually destroyed or forgotten to make new fantasies, new maps.
And that leaves me feeling empty, if not jealous of what is new and fresh.

Why do i hurt people like i do.. i never mean to.

Dana is leaving soon and I can't deal.

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 24 July :: 2.28pm

Why am I so fucking fat?!?!?!?!?1

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 13 July :: 3.54am

wow....<333klhfghkgfhjfghk;jgfdh ahhhhhhdgkfjd

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 14 June :: 4.00pm

expect a miracle
"because i have been obsessing over you for over a year"
what?

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 3 June :: 9.23pm

they went to see our movie without me. i would be lying if i said i wasn't upset. i mean I wassss in orlando until just 20 minutes ago. cool.

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robbingnovember

:: 2005 30 May :: 12.57am
:: Music: emmylou<3

But even cowgirls get the blues
next time jeph tells me he is a sprinkle.. enjoyable only for a short while until you get sick of him and want to get on to the ice cream, I think i will tell him that he is not a sprinkle at all. No, he is the cookie dough.. the kind you want in every single spoonful of ice cream for the rest of your life.
I just need to see him in june to get me through the rest of the summer.

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