Oh dear.

:: 2005 16 May :: 3.11pm
:: Music: cursive- the game of who needs who the worst

so let me slip away
Maybe I'm not like most high schoolers (soon to not be, better yet just teenagers) because i like to stay home and do absolutely nothing. I almost find it an essential to going on with my life. I sit, I eat, I read, I dream. Soon i will call sara... i am in the mood for some swinging and some illegal activity. the usual. Damn. I hate that i will get addicted to this smoking business. not cigarettes.. but what's the difference anyway. goodbye health, lungs. whatever. I cut myself cutting a bagel today. I can see the blood through the band aid. I don't like being lied to or prepared, like softened up. I can handle the truth. [a secret, but you couldn't keep it so secret. relations without hesitation or social tact- cursive] I think it is funny, you know, those days when it seems that everyone calls you and you can't get any peace and then there are those days it seems you have no friends. It is all so funny. I am comforted in my discontent with the thought that in about a month I will get to see jeph and that it will be very much fun. I don't know if i will ever kiss karl.. it is something i have been toying with. And it is not because i am leading him on, i just haven't figured out what is best for my sanity. It seems as though my life is not mine. My decisions are decided by a general assembly. Either way i always seek rebellion against the general will. It would be best for me not to... but boring. Again i don't like being lied to. The songs playing keep reminding me of that. Taking back sunday, brand new. get it? Okay fine. my feelings don't have to be censored-- this is my fucking journal. I love how i get to look back on my prom night--yeah my date hooked up with my best friend while i comfortably slept on the floor above. My perceptions of things/people have changed and I'm okay with that. Of course i found out. another night tainted. And then there is sara, she didn't come when i needed her. I am always supposed to count on her and she left me. Maybe this is why i enjoy being alone. oh and i love the death comments i will get towards this entry. Let me address a few things. only after i saw tim all chummy with said allison schaeffer did i enjoy the company of the person karl seltzer. And i hope i get someone yelling at me for caring. i hope that someone tries to turn all my thoughts against me. That is almost why i am writing them all in here so that my thoughts are documented. mmm torn by natalie imbruglia. <3 I am almost glad i am leaving this place where everything and everyone is made out to be something that it is not so that everyone can leave and live happily ever after. Jeph showed me the illusion once. I am going where it is too cold to lie. Damn it i can't even decide what to do with my hair. I can't wait until jeph and i can start our band. i'm done with this.

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:: 2005 2 May :: 5.57am
:: Mood: anxious

you haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway
I stay up all night thinking about all the choices i have made or am yet to make. It all keeps crashing into me. Am i making the right college choice?! No matter, i made my deposit. but yet, yet.. it does matter. I know that Bard isn't right for me, not good enough, this and that, but will i be happier at Wesleyan? I continually make the wrong choices, with school, with guys. I am scared this is another one of those blunders. If i pick what i think is best for me i might end up unhappy, but if i pick the underdog i will end up screwed over. I always fuck up trying to decide what is best for me. Either way, each school has a bit of romanticism and bold intrigue involved. And maybe Bard is just a comfort zone. I still feel like a spurned lover. It hurts me to think about it. I keep trying to say Bard is the Panjo to my existance. Panjo made me happy once. I knew he was wrong for me but i ended up giving him a chance and he left me alone. I hate finding all these connections and metaphors. It only makes me more stressed that the metaphor will end up in Bard's favor. I want to know i am making the right choice. I get so stressed sometimes i can't breath. And karl thinks he is the problem. No, he is only part of it. And sara has never felt stress in her life minus a few days. It pervades my BEING. My thoughts, just like atoms, are in constant motion. I have stomach problems, i shake, i have mild insomnia, because of all of this anxiety. I'm always anxious, even when i am supposedly calm i am still anxious for it all to end. Like on the cruise, i couldn't stop thinking about when i would have to come back home to the real world. I hate the real world and in this way i wish i was Sara. I want to live in a bubble, but i can't.

:: 2005 25 April :: 10.06am
:: Music: counting crows ft. vanessa carlton - big yellow taxi

you should never believe a word that comes out of a man's lips , especially but not limited to if you're sleeping with him . he'll smile and he'll tell you you're not like anyone else he's known but once he has you he won't care anymore . now you're no different and consideration is a thing of the past . his stupid smartass comments beg a long reply best screamed at the top of your lungs but instead you delete that text message and leave yourself a mental note , or perhaps a more physical one , to leave that door locked no matter how badly you want to leave it open and pretend you didn't hear it and act surprised to see him when you have something he wants . but the truth is , it was never really surprising , because you gave it to him with no questions asked or terms specified and it's really just your goddamn fault for being so naive .

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:: 2005 28 March :: 7.21pm
:: Music: 9 days-if i am

the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
I don't like sharing my stories.. it gives them less value to have them be picked apart by people who have no idea what really happened. I have real feelings about these events, intense thoughts.. not to be tossed aside or laughed at. Whatever i did.. i meant to do. I'm not a spontaneous person.. as much as i wish that i was. I sit and mull over things.. decisions that could possibly affect the rest of my life. I learned i need to change that. I made friends i will never see or talk to again. It is all so out of reach. I met someone who made me think, and got me so mad i couldn't even breath. Most people can't get any reaction out of me. I can't believe this all ended yesterday.. it seems so far removed from me. I want to be back there. I have to learn to deal with these feelings of missing people. I know i won't see them.. i just wish i could. I long to be desired. I long for feelings of excitment and chaos. I long to be completely relaxed having complex chats with my best friend (who i miss dearly). I long to be around more spanish people. Weird i know. Fuck the culture clash.. i love learning new things. I have so much homework tonight and i just don't care. blah. annnddd i need to write my research paper tomorrow. so lame.
i need tim to help me fix my math test tomorrow during newspaper ;)...
okay that was an aside i needed to write before i forgot.
Let's discuss this topic of feelings. it is a cultural thing. I don't ever say how i feel, unless it is more or less forced out of me. My mexican friends said whatever they felt, whenever they felt it. It almost seems like a better lifestyle.. minus the fickleness of said feelings.
I can't believe i will never see him again. damn it. i said i wouldn't get attached to anyone.. and here i am.. doing that. He figured me out, he challenged me, he told me straight out that i need to learn who i am.
As travis told me.. never regret anything just use it to make the next situation work to your advantage. I'll miss him too.. i had swell chats with him about religion and sports and being alive. And he lives 20 minutes from meee!.. unlike people who live in boston or mexico. I will hate to think of the possibility of him being 45 minutes from me at any moment.
right now i am listening to R & B .. yeah this is me being weird. Have i ever admitted my love for it.. yes i love R&B .. !
My soul has been revived.. it is struggling in my skin. It must wait a couple of months to be free. It can't just sit around and complacently watch what is happening.. but it will. But for a moment of time it woke up.. as it did during the summer. It knows what it wants. I am trying so hard to make the best of all situations.. i will try for sara.

:: 2005 20 March :: 2.32pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: bright eyes - first day of my life

"i'm glad i didn't die before i met you .
but now i don't care , i could go anywhere with you ..
and i'd probably be happy ."

:: 2005 13 March :: 3.26pm

the more i think about it the more i seem certain. I am breaking it off today, if i don't see him that is. I am being treated 2nd rate, if not 3rd or 4th. I haven't seem him in over a week. I am going on a cruise soon.. I don't have time for this. Every day i get dressed up and excited and every day i get let down. I will not stand for it and i am done. [Evil Angel 911: hows panjo
SummerSong721: eh i don't know. ] I am sick of hanging up the phone on the verge of tears. I am sick of putting on a carefree, happy face, but knowing that any false words can trigger an avalanche of tears. I am on the verge of freedom, of self actualization.. I don't need this weight to bring me down. So i must do what i must do.

:: 2005 5 March :: 1.20am
:: Mood: dry

Life is so utterly complex. Just as i am leaving, i come to discover how to seperate those who really care for me and those who use me for company. I know paige doesn't give a shit about me. It hurts some moments, but her loss. I really have come to appreciate sam. I will utterly miss neil and elizabeth.. we have so much fun together. I like the word utterly--it makes everything seem so dramatic. I don't deserve the way that karl has been treating me lately.
Want to know the real deal with panjo? we were over before we even started. I don't even remember the last time we talked about something real. He makes my life more complicated than it has to be. I think he honestly thinks this is going to be something long term. I've been contemplating breaking it off for the past week or so. It sounded so offensive to hear sam call him my boyfriend in front of other people. I don't know what he is capable of. I don't think i will reallllyyy get anything worked out romantically until after the cruise.
I know what i have on my hands. I've weighed all the options carefully, a thousand times over. I don't mean to be unfair to anyone but i have such fickle emotions. There is this one decision i always come back to. not about panjp, about someone else. I'm not quite ready to accept it, and i don't know if i ever will be. If i don't that would be a damn shame. I know i am a fool. I feel like i hurt so many people.
plus it doesn't help that i am STILL in love with jeph. I hate when he ims me and he has something pressing on his mind, but won't tell me. he will never leave my mind.
I love the tim+sarah band thing. we own. yeah,
right
i have nothing more that i feel like typing,

:: 2005 9 February :: 1.47pm
:: Mood: restless

And it's a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day
Like the next will never come

:: 2005 19 January :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: content

"you are a geek, so you would make me a jedi anyway so that you could fall in love with me
One thing, so insignificant, like a phone call, can greatly affect your entire outlook on the world. The phone rings late at night and you know who it is... it can only be one person--your first love, the one who has unalterably changed your life and left you weak and alone and perfect. I finally heard his voice again and it moved something in me that hasn't stirred for the past 6 months. His intonations and his wonderful laugh (which i am sure was accompanied by his famous and infectious smirk) gave me life again. I know he cares and that is all i can hope for. I never asked for his love in return, i silently wished and prayed for it, but it is not something i need to survive right now. It is enough to know we have something, whatever it is... it exists and that is enough for me. He has tons of girls fall all over him and kiss his feet, but he cares about me. He cared enough to let me go and he cares enough to keep in contact with me despite his girlfriend's wishes. There have been other guys, but he changed my life and for that i owe him the world. He made it okay to be me. I was enough for the world. He basically decided my entire future for me. If i hadn't met him I most likely would not even be going to Bard, although he always wanted me to go to Yale to be closer to him. If there was ever a chance of me being with him there are a few things that will need to change, some by happenstance and others by time and effort. In about a year i will be much closer to him which will make our friendship a lot easier to keep up. But more than that i will have grown up significantly; when he met me i was naive and innocent, a beautiful child. I hadn't and still haven't gone through enough life experiance to be able to be a compatible match for him. He is older, if not wiser, but certainly more jaded. One day we will meet on an equal plane, when we met it was not the time. Then he was a catalyst for my transformation into a woman and for that i am forever thankful to him. However, I know it is not over. Our continued contact leaves lingering feelings and foreshadows a future together. A future, most likely of friendship and hidden feelings on my part. I just know we have more instore. He has this way of restoring my hope in humanity and in life. I was feeling so trapped for a few days or so, but he made it alright. He makes everything seem as it is supposed to be and for that i will always love him. I will always love him, just right now it is more of a cherish and a friendship kind of love, then an undying passionate one. He cares. I care. That is enough. Plus he makes me laugh uncontrollably. <3
hey sometimes i can get that giddy school girl thing going on. lalala.

:: 2005 6 January :: 12.08pm
:: Mood: fat
:: Music: the arcade fire

how to deal. how? how?!?!?!?!!?!?!?
He absolutely drives me crazy. The only boy that drives me crazy lives across the country. I love the way he looks, thinks, writes, exists. He is helping me with my writing. He tells me to go to sleep at 3 in the morning, but part of me wants to stay up to talk to him. I'll finish this up... stacey is over and we have to learn how to deal. DEAL!!!

:: 2004 29 December :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: sick

Now, don�t just walk away
Pretending everything�s ok
And you don�t care about me
And I know there�s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don�t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you�re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don�t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I�m leaving you with all the blame cause I don�t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you�re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can�t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

:: 2004 18 December :: 4.50am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: pablo portillo - demasiado

after i came back it just wasn't the same . and i tried not saying anything , hoping maybe it would become what it was yesterday , what it was ten minutes ago , but it just got worse and worse . i felt so violated , like my emotions were nothing , like i should shut up and take it , like that's what you wanted . now , in retrospect , i'm so nauseous . i know there's nothing wrong but maybe there is something wrong and that's the problem . como me expreso cuando hablo y hablo y nada te entra ? i feel so vulnerable . i feel like i've given you all i have and you don't know me at all . i wish i could just let you into my head and maybe you'd understand because i know you want to , i know you want to , but you just don't . i hate this feeling . i know it'll go away but i wish it would go away sooner .

:: 2004 12 December :: 4.16pm
:: Mood: amazed !
:: Music: cypress hill - hand on the pump

a celebration was in order for the end of the semester / awesome grades / I CAN SMOKE MORE POT THAN EVER BEFORE so we got the hotel and it went under our tongues and we headed to the beach so we didn't burn up stuffing nine people in one tiny little room and once we got there we realized we forgot the tequila but by then it was too late because we'd never make it back to the room alive trying to cross collins ave. when which cars were real ? and i saw that bus but he didn't so does that mean i'd be alive right now and he wouldn't or it just doesn't mean anything at all ? so we made it to the room but nobody even wanted any tequila and brian spilled the salt anyway all over his hand ... maybe he doesn't even need any more tequila . so why did we come back to the room ? and we went back to the beach with that same dilemma with the cars and this building wasn't here last time ... but let's go a different way because this is a concentration camp and i don't want to be here ! so okay just forget it look , it's a palace , and i guess you're right . but i'm soooooo hungry so it's back to collins to get some food , and i have twenty dollars ! and ana has twenty dollars and lance has twenty dollars ! and we can have all the food we want but after three croquetas i realize i'm not even hungry at all so you can finish them and the chicken wings too but let's go back to the room . so we finally made it to our destination but it's constantly changing so it's not much of an accomplishment but anyway we're chilling and awesome until there's a knock on the door and so much for security because now we have to drive anyway so i guess it's over but just try not to let yourself focus on one thing for too long especially not the lines on the road but especially not the stoplights because maybe you won't really see the right color so just try and stay behind one car for the entire ride home and ONE MORE DAY TO LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND , TO GO WHERE YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN TRIED . DON'T YOU LET YOUR INHIBITIONS GUIDE YOUR WAY .