Contrastandcompare
I hate to sound like a dried up old bastard, but I seriously don't like anyone right now. (except a select select few, mostly from wes and stacey (and brian)). Perhaps too much information. this is the stuff people don't want to hear/read.. I have been hoping that this was a phase, but it has lasted an extremely long time. I just don't want this anymore. It's all ridiculous and everyone is flakey, including myself. I don't like it. I'm changing. It disgusts me. And the more it disgusts me, the more I just want to be done with everything and everyone. It is a sign of youth. Everyone today is so wrapped up in themselves. I've countless times been ditched for a party and some alcohol and petty conversation. You know I've been on the other side. So I know what it means. It means "i've found something better to do than hang out with you" because I've done it. Its all stupid and hurtful. And Id rather just be by myself or with people who aren't ridiculous. I feel like I am living with characitures of my friends. Everything seems so grotesque. I am so glad I am leaving for a few days. I don't even want to bring my cell phone. I just want to be cut off. This is what it is like without me. How much time do you fucking need?
I'd rather be with memories.. people who don't exist anymore. Matts all over my room. I fucking need closure. I even texted panjo the other day-- I was just bored. My whole life is about being taken for granted. Id rather be alone.
And then I am just waiting for weeks for ethan. for a day that will probably either suck or not happen. And I can't wait to go to ny (kind of.. because apparently it is such a fucking struggle to even make anything happen) just to see sam petulla and people from wes who actually like me. and who won't ditch me and call me for advice and more
I'm a fucking artifact
lets not kid ourselves.
And plus jeff, it is throwing me off. He just fucking disgusts me. he is a fat alcoholic lard who only needs me to assure himself he won't end up alone. let's face it he probably won't.. but he won't end up with me. I'm pretty sure he's lost me. Its gross. he is that part of humanity I hate. Just like the rest of them. took me for granted until I just wasn't there anymore.
And then I try to do the right thing and it all blows up in my face. Try to like the good guy.. only to be replaced. And crushed. Try to listen to myself and I get yelled at. its all screwed up. What is the point of all of this insanity. They all turn out to be assholes anyway.
[contrast and compare between the busy ones
and the ones that don't care
until there is no one that you really know
so i drift through these days of appointments and promises made
they will all end up broken and quickly replaced.
weeks are slow, days drag on;
even practice and parties seem long
but i found myself going
i guess there's nothing to do
oh well
group of kids, line of cars,
more will show up after the bars close
there's this boredom that drowns everything.
bottles break, music plays, conversations competing for space
i look for a corner or a quieter room
there's no heat in this house
i can't breath with these words in my mouth
but i'm not going to say them
yeah, i've made that mistake before
on the stairs, she grabs my arm, says whats up,
where you been, is something wrong?
i try to just smile, and say everything's fine.]

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