robbingnovember
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2006 17 September :: 1.35pm
So maybe I did something wrong.
To who?
I know who.
However, I feel no regret on my part.
It is sad the moment is gone.. just a memory.
wow. unbelievable. gahhh
i need to work out!
I just can't believe yesterday happened.
what a trip.
oh, and I don't care what thea and lisa think about my screwed up thoughts.
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robbingnovember
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2006 13 August :: 9.01pm
she could turn it up or let it die, let it die!
It pisses me off when someone says he will call you back in a few minutes.. and then doesn't (especially if you are talking about something mildly important to your being[especially if this person is matt])
other than that
Panjo imed me today. mild closure? yeah i would say so. finally on good terms. he made my day infinite times better to start with. I had been hoping for this for a long time. We are good. It is like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Matt makes fun of him. fuck matt. I had my reasons then. I am just mad at Matt I guess. thanks for ruining my perfectly fine day.
ugh.
my stomach hurts.
I want to go and say good bye to karl.
I don't want to be bored.
I want to create with india.
I wonder if jeff is coming?
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robbingnovember
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2006 6 August :: 6.08pm
:: Music: rjd2
it's strange the way you make me feel
I have been feeling very weird lately. There are many moments when I am confused about the Matt situation (but here I am listening to our song and I know I want to be with him). I am scared I just don't know how to be. It's been many years--I am good at being single. Maybe it is just the distance at the moment. I am still attracted to other guys and I still want them to be attracted to me. I guess it is hard to be "faithful" to someone when you are not even in a relationship to begin with. I have no idea what he is doing (or who he is doing for that matter). What if he is just hooking up with people as I sit here being patient. I am trying to keep other guys at arms length. trying.
I met someone I really liked the other night. Another jeff. (all jeffs for the rest of my life). He was just a really great guy (good friends with brian) and quite attractive and funny. He ended up in my pool naked (HAAAA). I think we had a connection. I just really liked the kid. But oh well. He still found me on myspace and messaged me. I am waiting like a loser for him to answer me back. He is one of those people I wish I could know, but will never know. Hopefully we will keep in touch.. he seems to want to. He lives in Brooklyn. who knows where life will lead you?
I really like matt. I do. I am just scared. Scared he will get bored of me, scared I will get fickle (again..for the millionth time), scared he won't live up to my expectations (he said that himself). I'm too involved. I need to talk to him every day. And sometimes I get annoyed or sad or angry. I hope I can at least go a couple of months thinking he is perfect, even though he is not. I want that blinded infatuation stage. I feel we have already ruined that. I always listen to songs that I think matt should listen to because they fit his situation . I am weird like that.
I think I live for that new feeling. Which, again, is why I think I might only be good at being single. I like the butterflies and the wonderings and the excitement. sigh.
I am just screwed up lately
ahh my parents are hom2
gah
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sendmemoney
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2006 26 July :: 8.35am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Bright Eyes
I sit and take slow, deliberate hits while he chain smokes his cheap cigars, bought at a seedy gas station at 1 a.m. He's infuriatingly accomodating and I want to scream FIGHT BACK but instead I take a few more hits, two aggresively and the next so passive but he takes no notice and explains on why I am oh so very right . Decidedly I hit it again and confide, I'm very dark, and he laughs it off and asks, is that what you think? And I laugh it off too, is it hollow to him, I wonder, and put myself back, what was I thinking??
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robbingnovember
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2006 25 July :: 2.02am
"I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin' else. "
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robbingnovember
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2006 24 July :: 6.15am
way to early/late
i finally figured out the problem(thanks to ron kind of).
We want different things. It continually leaves a bad taste in my mouth after our conversations. He says he does not want a serious relationship (at least right now [ever?]). he has jumped from serious relationship to serious relationship. He can't do it again. And I understand this, yet somehow it always hurts to be told it. I realized it is because he is denying me of what I want. I want a serious relationship. Just because he has had his fair share does not mean that I have. It is not fair to either of us really. I feel jiped (spelling???). It is like I finally kind of get what I want only to find out there is a catch... always a catch. How can one fall in love under these circumstance. What makes a relationship serious and not serious. I refuse to be in an open relationship. plain refuse. I don't want to see other people. I just want to settle down finally.. and due to his circumstances I don't know if that will happen. this is actually a big problem and I don't know what to do about it.
oh and ron is dangerous to me..........
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robbingnovember
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2006 1 July :: 8.47pm
I am going away tomorrow for a much needed vacation from myself.
I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. too much excitment. hmm what can come of this cruise. hopefully many stories of debauchery. a boy or two to give me kisses. only kisses. I have so much to pack.. i refuse until tomorrow morning. I just can't work like this.
I look very pregnant right now. Imagine that in ten years or so.. a pregnant me writing a journal about the affairs of the world. mildly comforting/disturbing thought. I wonder about married life. complete contentedness. could be nice someday.
("And i will pretend that I don't know of your sins until you are ready to confess"/"baby I can't help you out while she is still around"/"so baby for the time being I'm being patient")- all quotes together to perfectly explain my thoughts on the whole matt situation. but of course of course of course the rest of the song goes to jeff. I want to romance to be brought. bring it on.
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robbingnovember
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2006 5 June :: 9.05pm
I was bound to let you go
I was just thinking about all the memories I would relive if I had the chance.
if only.
I was especially thinking about the romance of it all. It is as though every boy I have ever cared about has a space in my heart. It is as though for those small moments I loved them.
Just to relive a few.. for just a few moments
That day on the swings when Jeff looked at me and said that I was amazing. That whole day.
That moment in tampa when I was leaving and hugged and laid down with Jeff. I have never felt so safe or whole. I used to try to remember that moment whenever I was scared.
When Jeff told me he had been crazy about me for a year and then kissed me.
Prom night lying in bed with karl. It was as though my heart was jumping out of my chest. or when he held my hand at disney.
That 30 minute hang out with ethan when I just felt special.
Hanging out with max talking for hours and playing scrabble. Then at the concert when he kissed my forehead and held my hand. Gah. I want to relive that! he has haunted me this entire year.
That day with panjo. I always think of that as one of the best days of my life.
That is really special.To know that the boys i truly had feelings for shared them with me for moments in time. as though all is not lost.
Bright eyes concerts. Dashboard concerts.
I would relive the disney trip that just happened.
Any time with all my friends really. I am so lucky.
I know by fiona apple.. it kills me. it is so meaningful and heart felt.
moving on (always)
I am getting myself into a strange situation right now. with india's cousin. Some little (or big) part of me wants nothing more than to go back to connecticut and be thrown into a relationship. Another part of me doubts everything. He is unfaithful at least in thought to his girlfriend. She loves him. I think at least. And that leaves me in an awkward position. I am enthralled with him. He makes me laugh and hints of a future together, but i can't trust him. I want to cuddle with him and sit in a cemetary and just talk about what is on our minds. He makes me excited about going back. There is something between us. I fear he will stay with her. I also feel very weary about the situation. I don't want to be the other woman.. or just a bad person in general for coveting someone who is not available. He just makes it seem like we will be together in the fall. Plus, he is always so busy and never available for me to talk to ..which i know will be different in the fall when we are in the same state and are able to hang out in person. And i don't blame him for staying with her over the summer.. a man has needs (i guess....). I just want a distraction. I can't wait, but I must. I fear this will fizzle out come september. I fear many things. I just want love.
And sadly, my first love was never mine to begin with. Sometimes it still hurts. But I am okay with it now, with not having him. I have come to terms with it. really.
sigh
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robbingnovember
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2006 23 April :: 3.55pm
I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my days on the earth
I feel so very unsatisfied right now. It just hit me like a wave. I just intend to listen to perfect situation by weezer over and over. I don't know how I relate I just do. No more being on the prowl. I want a relationship.
I want someone to kiss my forehead and hold my hand and smile all the time when he sees me.
Also I have to write a paper due tomorrow but I just can't because I am a procrastermaster and I am lazy and I feel strangely sad.
I talked a little to max today. It sucks. I wish I would stop being attached to him.
And what is worse is i like ethan but I never get to see him.
I have to pretend like I am strong but I am not really at all. I just want to be held. for a really long time.
stupid max using me for my detergent (thea put that thought into my head)
Why am I so awkward with him. so obviously into him. oh well. It just wasn't our time I guess.
external locus of death.
I just want something real to hold onto. and I want to not be writing this paper, because come on.
no more hook ups. I want love more tangible. sigh sigh sigh.
I just feel so inwardly sad. a pain I can't explain. I just want to cry for no reason.
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robbingnovember
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2006 15 March :: 2.18am
I always thought that we would end up together in the end
You always knew how wrong I was.
oh what a fool you were.
you could have tricked me when you had the chance.
You always knew I was destined for great things
I could have taken you with me
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robbingnovember
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2006 14 February :: 11.44pm
What will I tell my children if and when I still love you.
Let it be your comfort that I will think about you every day until the day my mind stops being.
I will try to find my own comfort in knowing that love never dies.
(you may not be the one, but I would choose you any day)
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robbingnovember
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2006 1 February :: 5.21pm
:: Music: of angels and angles
I feel so content at this very moment.
I wish I could capture this feeling with my sweet chai latte and my xanax.
life is serene for just a moment in a hectic day.
these moments are the resting points for the soul
soon I will have to keep going... but not now.. just now yet.. i will enjoy my tea and sit and listen to the decemberists.
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robbingnovember
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2006 28 January :: 1.56am
It is the way you say hello
and look at me with those blue eyes that say "I remember."
And then I look back and try to sheild my eyes from saying
"there was a time when you and I was all i could think about.. oh and you threw it away"
Then there are those other times
you say hello
as if we had just met, somewhere forgettable like the subway.
I can't wait for the day when I can stop pretending that it is all nothing.
Another social acquaintance I can brush off.
I am practically there
if you don't count those fleeting thoughts of barging into your room.
I guess it just gets a little too lonely sometimes.
That's my excuse anyways
Why do you have to leave your door always unlocked.
It makes it too easy for my mind to wander in bed with you on nights like this.
oh but you will see, it is all so forgettable. just like the way you forgot about me.
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sendmemoney
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2006 13 January :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: fiona apple - extraordinary machine
I miss letting my eyelashes graze your cheek, your hot breath on my neck, the proximity of our lips before we get lost in a tangle of passion and lust and love and you’re inside me and we are one. Everyone I look at has the same blank face and all I see is you missing from the picture and weeks before your return. I love it when I struggle against you and you hold me so tight that, with all my might, I can’t move your arm an inch because, baby, I might struggle against you sometimes but please don’t let me go. I get so caught up in you and me and us and this happiness sometimes and my fears come crashing in and knocking me back to reality; I think they may be all that keeps me from floating away but it’s such a staggering weight that it gnaws at my brain until I face them and let them override everything you tell me. I’ve never been so scared and so thrilled at the same time. I’ve protected myself for so long, so hard that this is unfamiliar territory we’re charting here, but whatever we encounter, I know we can face because I can be the strongest woman in the world for you. So this is love. The only possible explanation for why I’m so consumed with everything that is you, for knowing the freckles on your back with such detail, the curve of your lips with such intensity, for why I could fill pages about my insatiable desire for you, even just to be near you, for one second if that’s all I could have. You know, I criticized so much before I met you and now I understand. Sometimes you just know. Every factor can work against our favor but as long as we have that one magical moment, it’s enough. When I look into your eyes and we laugh together I know. Why I waited so long for you, I know. I know why we were both at the same place that night, why five years ago we couldn’t be together, why I sent you a text message so long ago even though my strategy would dictate not to, why we were hit by that hurricane and the phone connected long enough to let us speak, why we arrived at that New Years party too late. I know now to put my trust in you, because I know you are my one. You’re the one I’ll change for and grow with. The one for whom I’ll bite my tongue in an argument because I’d rather be happy than right, the one I always hope is on the other end when my phone rings, the one that makes me smile like a giddy little kid just to hear your voice on the other end. This whole page can be summarized in three meaningful little words, but it’s everything I mean every time I say it. It terrifies me to show this to you, but I’m going to because I want you to know me inside and out like I want to know you. I’m going to bite my lip and suck it up and just drop it in your pocket and just hope you don’t think I’m too crazy and maybe if I’m lucky you’ll agree. I love you more than I can express in one stupid letter. I love you with my whole being, with everything I am and will become, forever.
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robbingnovember
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2006 12 January :: 8.14pm
It's always you in my big dreams
I don't know what to do with myself lately.
I mean I am alright... I just don't feel that spark anymore.
He is the only thing .. his spirit came along thousands of years ago and discovered how to make fire.
I don't feel like I am doing anything.. i really don't feel pretty anymore. not even attractive.. I guess I'm okay. I'm bored with looking in the mirror.. nothing new or exciting ever comes along.. just plain old me..
I guess that is what I mean with the spark and him.. like somehow he made me feel special a few times in these past months.. he called me a sexy lady the other day sooo hey someone anyone thinks I have some sexy still in me.
I want the psychic to tell me we are meant to be.
WHY AM I SO BLAH.
When will all of us get out of this FUNK (as brigs says)... fucking funk... when will it be over.. when will i feel good again.. BLAH that is the word. soooooo blah. I want to smash all the mirrors in the world. and all the tvs and magazines.
I am no super model.
Panjo once said he thought i was a model.. i can pretend he meant it.. and that it applies to the whole human race.
So many stupid boy problems.
Ugh and Max... why does he have to be so "cool".. but at least he is happy where he is..
and David.. why did he say he would speak to me soon.. when he saw me the next day and didn't say a word.. we used to be close
I don't get why all these boys run from me.. please enlighten me. only guys too.. girls stick around. i mean most of these running fellows are platonic with me too.. like am i so intense? What is it? to quote that stupid song "Am i more than you bargained for" yeah i just quoted them.. yeah.
Im going to date my gate guard guy.. sara and i decided.
oh well. heres to blah
as sara said "as that song says "who sucked out the feeling"".. what a loss for the good guys
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