EAPTWB<3

:: 2004 4 July :: 8.25pm

ughhhhhhhh kajdf;lajdf;lkajsdf;lkjas;dlfjk

*screams and kicks*

why must you be so stupid? WHYYYY

:: 2004 4 July :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Shania Twain-Only when I'm breathing

.........ok then
I'm just going to hold my breath until I forget.

:: 2004 4 July :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Rascal Flaats-I'm moving on

Trapped in the past for too long.

Why haven't you? I've been waiting, and the longer I wait, the more of an idiot I feel and look like. Just don't say it was a mistake. I guess...just be honest. That's all I ask.

This is a very shitty 4th of July. My mom's best friend passed away, and my Grandpa's in the hospital. It's rainy, my plans are totally fucked up, and I just feel like a mess. My ankles hurt so bad, and I took the muscle relaxer they gave me, and my leg is asleep pretty much, and I'm about to pass out it makes me so tiered. So yeah, if I'm feeling better me Erika, Jess, and Brandi will hopefully go watch fireworks.

I want to cry...I'm such an idiot. I let it happen. jafkljasl;kfjalds;fj;alkjf

:: 2004 4 July :: 12.04am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Ashanti-South Side

I'm going on a sail boat, choo choo

Me and Jess went sailing all day. It was fun, some moments were aggravating with Brandon comaplaing and spitting in our faces but lol ..I guess he can't help it.

We went bowling. Sad...I didn't break 60. haha. But then again, we were all kinda in a bad mood. Lol I droped my ball too when I was swinging back. lol and everyone was staring. Lol funny thing is I didn't care, and me and Jess just laughed like the insane freaks that we are.

Then we went out to get pizza and a movie to watch on the boat, after almost stealing a little puppy named Lucy. She was soo adoreable. I love that name. We thought she was going to jump off the boat into the water trying to reach us.

Yeah then we lol talked to some people. "yO BEE where you be?" haha the highlight of our night. Lol I love people.

Then we watched the fireworks. I love fireworks sooo much. The 4th of July is my *favorite* holiday. B/c of the fireworks. Nothing makes me as happy. Too bad it's supose to rain tomorrow. Oh-well plans should still be fun.

Yeah, so I'm half concerned, and the other half still really excited. Since you, things have been a lot better, I just really hope that they stay that way...for as long as possiable.

I love you Jess! "You are the wings beneath my feet!" haha! No , seriously. You're the best pappy anyone could ever ask for. *purrrrrrrrrr*

Good day.! fun fun <3 Jess

:: 2004 3 July :: 1.12pm

I finished my book last night. Kinda sucked b/c Dan ruined the ending. Still a good book though. I finished it in one day. woo go me.

I had a good night though. It was so much fun!

Me and Jess are going sailing today. Then to watch fireworks. Should be fun. :) It's always fun when we're together.

*muah*

:: 2004 2 July :: 11.49pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Eagles-Can't remember the title heh

fun fun
I went to the Sand Lake Carnival tonight with Dan. Saw Jenna, Erika, Brandi, Steph, Stacey, I had so much fun. I'm so happy that I went. Got pulled over by the cops, not for anything though. Yeah, it was a great night. :)

Then I got home and my mom yelled at my about my journal because I guess some of my brother's friends, or friend didn't like something I had to say. Too bad huh? First of all. This is *my* journal. It's public because MY FRIENDS read it. Yes, MY friends. Not other people. You have no reason to read it, that kinda ...what's the word...stupid? Yes, that's it. I'm sorry if you don't like what I have to say. But I'm not going to hesitate to say anything I want too. And if you don't like it, too bad for you. This is *my* journal. Just to make that clear. Nothing is going to change. I don't care what offends who. This is me, my thoughts, my place to vent, my place to complain and bitch. Get over it. Espically about MY family.

Yes, so I had a perfecttttttttt night! I should have made it better, but I'm still happy :) yay!

6 do you.♥ | wanna?

:: 2004 2 July :: 7.22pm

Just be worth it.

6 do you.♥ | wanna?

:: 2004 2 July :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Tim McGraw-Live like you were dyin

Lah lah lah

So I got up earlie this morning and my mom took me to the doctors. I got 5 shots, which I cried the first 4, and x-rays. I spent 4 hours at a doctor's office. That's how I spend my Friday summer's. Great huh? Yeah.

Then me and my mom went shopping, and out to lunch. Then I stopped by the library and got "The Five People You Meet In Heaven." because Dan told me it was so good. I'm almost done with it too. Yay! Go me.

I'm going to the Sand Lake Carnival tonight. Fun fun!

Sometimes I'm aggravated, but I love you so much. You help me so much. I can't thank you enough. Just love you in return. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Jess

:: 2004 1 July :: 8.53pm

Going to Keegan's party tonight. Better be fun. Woo yay

:: 2004 1 July :: 6.56pm

It took six whole hours and five long days for all your lies to come un-done.

:: 2004 1 July :: 2.45pm

Hmm *smiles* today's a good day.

You asked what the difference is? The difference is you don't like her, I tolerate her. It makes things much easier.

*smiles* yay!

:: 2004 30 June :: 9.21pm

I love you Shannon Potter, you truely are priceless.

3 do you.♥ | wanna?

:: 2004 30 June :: 7.51pm

No yearbook next year.

:: 2004 30 June :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Rachel Practor-Me and Emily

I've loved like I should, and lived like I shoudln't.

Last night I cried watching that last eposide of Real World. How pathetic is that? I'm going to miss Cameron. She was my favorite. Her or Randy. Wow, ok shut up.

It'll be okay, things will get better. That's all I need to remember. Things could be far far worse than this. I mean, what I found out today, crushed me for actually thinking my problems were all that serious. Just pray, all we can do.

"Is she older enough to hear it?" *screams and shouts* YES I am!!! TELL ME! GRR

I'm getting my tatoo :) A little star on my hip, probably Friday. Woo, I'm exctied.

Yeah, I'm going to put an end to this before I get too caught up in this. I'm not dealing with this sort of thing again. Even though you have me convinced that this wont be that..but it will. We both know it. You're absolutley amazing, almost too good to be true, ...funny that I'm saying this seeing as how it's all I've really wanted...but right now, I just don't want it. At all. So yeah, I'm sorry. I really am. You're great, but not for me. Not now.

I got a new stereo ! woo go me! It's really cool. I like it. heh anyway...I'm a dork

Today was the first day I've been awake at the same time as I use to get up for school, and I got to drive around, fun stuff. I blared Big and Rich. I can't wait till I can do it alone.

I really don't want to think what things are going to be like with all of us, ..together. I hate you, you hate me, she hates her, he hates him, but they get along, and she gets along with him, but not her. *sigh* It's going to be a great load of fun.

<3 Jess <3

:: 2004 29 June :: 9.32pm

Do you honestly really have to make such an effort to be such a jerk to me? I don't need it, I need the exact opposite.. and it really isn't worth your precious time that never meant anything...so just please think about it again before you just do something stupid.

I really need to get the balls to say this stuff in person, not just think it in my head.

:: 2004 29 June :: 6.52pm

I really just want to cry myself to sleep. How can everything go from being so perfect, to everything being so different, and ruined in less than one day. Knowing things will most likely..only get worse.

:: 2004 29 June :: 6.31pm

Could today get any worse?

:: 2004 29 June :: 4.24pm

I seriously ache so fucking bad! My ankles and wrists mostly. kjalkjfal;ksjflk;jf

:: 2004 29 June :: 11.02am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Shiania Twain-Only hurts when I'm breathing.

~*~Dreams~*~

I had a crazy dream last night. The world was coming to an end at the end of the day. Everyone knew, but why...we didn't know. We didn't know how either. We just knew sometime that day, it'll all be over. So in my dream there were a bunch of people like everyone I knew, people I've loved, people I've hated, people I hardly knew all in the old huge house. Some people were hysterical, some people were calm, some were scared out of their minds, some were as peaceful as I have ever seen someone. In my dream, I was calm praying until up to when it got dark. I found Jess and told her how much I loved her, and this wasn't the end, and then she went off with her mom and dad. Then I had to find my mom, and I started balling my eyes out and I finally found her in the kitched on the floor in the dark with tons of people and I just cryed in her arms. Then I woke up.

People say they aren't afraid of death, because of their faith, and where they will be after death. Yes, I have faith. Yet death still frieghtens me. Not because of any religious reasons. Because of life. How do you know you've lived it correctly, and you'll be re-united with ALL the people you truely love and cherish?

Ahh....lol crazy stuff.

:: 2004 28 June :: 4.56pm

When did it sink in that you made a mistake. How'd it hit ya when you heard exactlly what you
didn't want too? You let someone go from your life, that you'll miss for a very long time.

It hurts everyday, and you start to deal with the pain, and it's get easier and easier everyday. But
you still regreat it dont you.

What would I do if it weren't for music. lol seriously.

:: 2004 28 June :: 3.07pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Rascal Flats-I'm moving on

Each one is different...but everyone is the same....
I've deal with my ghosts, and I've faced all my demonds. I'm finally content with the past I regreat. I've finally found strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burdened with blame..trapped in the past for too long. Now I'm moving on. I've lived in this place, and I know all the faces. Each one is different, but their always the same. They mean me no harm, but it's time that I face it.They'll never allow me to change. But I've never dreamed that home is where I don't belong. So now I'm movin on. At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know there's no gaurentee's, but I'm not alone. There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see is the moments passing by, and I have made up my mind that those moments are gone. Because I'm movin on. I've loved like I should, and lived like I shouldn't. I had to lose everything to find out. Maybe forgivness will find you somewhere down the road, I have. Because I've moved on.

Good song.

You asked me what my biggest fear was, and I coudln't tell you. Mostly because I didn't know. I had always thought that my biggest fear was snakes or spiders. Now I can really tell you, that my biggest fear is looking back on my life and not seeing how happy I am, for having such an amazing, meaningful, long loving life, but seeing that I let my life pass me by. I may only be in high school, but this is where it starts right? I don't want to look back and realize that
I missed out loving someone, even if it meant getting hurt, rather than knowing what love is. I don't want to look back
and realized I lost an amazing friend, because I just didn't think it seemed that important. I don't want to look back and realize I could have been better to my kids. I don't want to look back and realize that I didn't love and give enough compasion to my husbad as I should have. I don't want to look back and realize I put my dreams on hold for someone because my dreams are just as important as I think they are. I don't want to look back and realize I didn't push myslef as much as I could of. I don't want to look back and realize I have more regreats than I do things to be thankful for. I want to be me, always. That's my biggest fear.Thank you for helping me find it.

I'm happy that you understand what I mean now, and I understand you. You're too good to just be mis understood.

I went to the doctor today because I could barely walk last night because of my tendinitious. How it's spelled I don't know. My muscles cramp all up, in my ankles and feet and it hurts to walk , and there's not much you can do. Just take hot bath's or ice your feet. Neither of which really seem to be helping.

I'm sorry that I let you get under my skin and treated you ways that I did. I'm sorry that I was just as stupid as the same reason I was mad at you, for being that stupid. I don't care any more. This is an apology, and you can either take it or leave it.

It'll be okay, I promise.

:: 2004 27 June :: 10.07pm

REASONS WHY I LOVE PAPPY

She's the only person who knows all of my different laughs.

She taught me how to burp.

I can swear at her in my sleep and kick her out of her own bed and she still loves me.

She always corrects me when I sing the lyrics to songs wrong.

She's the only person I think is fun to sit around and make fun of each other with.

Nobody else has Chicken Ramen Noodle fights with me at 2 in the morning

No one else even stays up that late.

I could never feel comfortable beating up or picking on my friend's little brother.

No one else sits on the phone with me while plucking eyebrows.

She can always explain to me the facts of life.

No other friend would still talk to me after embarissing them in a public restroom at the mall.

What sane person actually admits to peeing their pants?

I can sit around with her and we can make fun of how pathetic Ashlee Simpson's life is, when she's doing more than us, or more than we'll ever be doing.

I have no other friends that go to BlockBuster with me screaming out loud that "Monkeys are attacking Blockbuster, leaveeeeeeeee!"

I don't have any memories with other friends where we ran down the road chasing the other one with a stick up there butt.

No other friend moons cars going bye while we are going for a walk.

She lets me clean her house.

She laughs at my gay jokes about things that dont even make sense, just to make me feel funny. Lol which is funny.

She makes me cupcakes that are pure cupcake bread and melted chocalte liquid that sits in our locker for weeks after my birthday.

She's the only friend I've ever had who was just as obsessed with N'Sync and still listens to them w/ me.

It's not fun blaring rap music with anyone else and getting our freak on.

No other friend can break my nose and not have me ticked off.

I have no other friend that I love as much as I do Jess, and no matter how hard things get, it's always going to be that way. I love Jess, things will get better I promise. *muah*

3 do you.♥ | wanna?

:: 2004 27 June :: 9.47pm

Could you be more of an obsessive, stalking creep?

:: 2004 27 June :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Tim McGraw-Live like you were dying

~I find it when I see you smile, and I find it when you kiss my forhead, and I find it holding your hand, I find it thinking about you, and I find it searching in your eyes, and mostly I find it just
I was reading my journal in my room today, and all the entries from this past year and I cannot believe we care about the dumbest things�I over re-act and care way too much about things I shouldn�t. I am only 15 years old, and I really need to start understanding half of my problems are typical every day teenage problems and 3 years down the road, none of it will matter. At all. Live it to the fullest.

These are the most beautiful, meaningful lyrics I have ever heard�read them.

�He said I was in my earlie 40�s, with a lot of life before me. When a moment came before me that stopped me on the dime. I spent most of the next day looking at the x-rays talking about the options, and talking about sweet times. I asked him when it�d sink in that this really might be the real end. How�s it hit ya, when you get news like that? What did you do? I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbin, I went two point seven seconds on a bullride too, and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave giveness I�ve been denying. Then he said, I hope some day you get the chance to live life like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband that most of the time I wasn�t. Then I became a friend that a friend would like to have. And all of a sudden going fishing wasn�t such an imposition. And I went three times that year when I lost my dad. I finally read the good book and I took a good hard long look at what I would do if I could do it all again. Then I went sky divin, I went rocky mountain climbin, and I went 2.7 seconds on a bull too, and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I�ve been denying. Then he said I hope one day you get the chance to live life like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift, and we�ve got eternity to figure out what to do with it. What would you do with it? What did I do with it? What should I do with it? Sky Diving, I went rocky mountain climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull too, I watched an eagle that was flying�and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, I gave forgiveness I�ve been denying. Then he said I hope you get the chance to live life like you were dying. �

Doesn�t it kind of make you feel like an ass? Caring so much about the dumbest things. Getting mad at your mom for stupid things, fighting over just unloading the dish washer, getting mad at a friend over something stupid, hating someone because of the past, quiting a job to make a point, that wasn�t really a point at all, not doing homework just because you were too lazy, doing something you know you�ll regreat�not making the best out of the situation�..not making every moment worth remembering?

Just something to think about.

:: 2004 27 June :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Tim McGraw-Live life like you were dyin

~*~I hope some day you get the chance to live life like you were dying~*~
Last night I stayed at Craig's for his graduation party, and I had a lot of fun. I totally got everything off my mind. And I had fun, and I don't give a shit who cared.

It makes me really ..frustrated and sometimes mad when you act like this. When you're upset about things, and are a jerk to me. It really upsets me, just so you know.

Katie Jo came over today. Nice to see her, but for some reason ..and I don't know why..I feel really ..uncomfortable around her. Hmm...oh well.

I'm still confused as to where things are right now, but I'm not going to worry. I did the first time, now it's in your hands. Wherever it goes, is where we end up.

You know what I cannot stand? People who are such friecken drama queens. It really bugs the shit out of me. Espically when your friends with someone, and you try to help them with their problems, when you didn't even want to hear about them to begin with, but you do your best, and they still are ungreatful with only understand of how they feel or the position that only they were in. At least have the common curdisey to look from the other person point of view before going over board and saying hurtful things. Yeah, nothing pisses me off more. Oh well, it's just not worth it then.

Gawd, Tim McGraw *giggles* his voice is so friecken sexy! If anyone's heard his new song, "Live like you were dyin" you know what I'm talking about ;)

What a kiss.

The only way to have a friend, is to be one. Think about it why dont cha.

<3 Jess

:: 2004 26 June :: 10.56pm

Wow. I'm so confused....hmm...who knows. I'm not going to care really, I got over it. So whatever happens, happens.

Umm why do you always freak out like that, nothing could make me want to go more insane than that!

Long nighttttttttttttttt

:: 2004 26 June :: 8.03pm

So I've been in a great mood lately, um I went over to the Johnson's on Thursday, then last night me and Kate were going to go to Barker's bonfire, then my parents were being gay. And today Jess came over and we went to John's and lol rocked out in her car lol stupid bitch made me walk! ;) lol jk i love you jess! and now I'm at Bowman's and everyone's getting a tad bit tipsey, lol fun times. Cya later

<3 Jess

:: 2004 24 June :: 6.28pm

Why is it, you're so bored for days..then the one day you do something, is the one day everyone wants to do something, and you have to choose from that. But none of the other plans can be another night. It's always one night. ahh oh well.

:: 2004 24 June :: 3.00pm

This is how I look at it. I'll bud out of your buisness, even though I can't help when my friends talk about you. Their my friends, and I will always listen to them, and tell them how I really feel, and watch their backs. But other than that, i'll leave you alone, and bud out of your buisness, if you do the same. Just don't say anything at all, and I won't. I don't untill you've already said something.

:: 2004 24 June :: 1.44pm

Have you ever thought about just how dumb High School is? It's the probably the hardest time of our lives. Dealing with our first real realtionships, losing friends, getting friends, drugs, alchol, sex, jobs, losing people for the first time's in our lives where we're actually old enough to know what's going on, etc. Our futures depend on how we do in High School, and yet it couldn't be at a worse time. Mostly because people are so vain, and patheticly dumb. Just something to think about.

Jon's open house is going to be umm strange tomorrow. I can only imagine.

I can't wait to go stay with Emily. I miss her much! I miss my Lindsey too. :(

I'm just as dumb as you are if I let myself care about what's going on still, and I do. I let you get to me. And it's my fault. I could easily not care, but I have. It's hard just throwing it all aside because you just rage my emotions. It just needs to stop though. Both of us. It's dumb, we both are. I'm sick of this. It doesn't matter anymore, so both of us need to stop being so fucking stupid all the fucking time. It's getting really old...really fast.

My cousin gets back from Germany in a week I think. I'm excited. I've missed her at all the family gatherings. She's closest in age. I think it'd be fun to go to a different country for a year. I think I would go to ..hmm...Spain. That'll never happen though.

It's funny to think that in two years, less than...I'm going to look back on all this, and none of it will matter. Some yes, but most of it is just going to be a bunch of crap I dealt with a long time ago, that I can't believe I stressed over. The sadder part is, only a hand full of you will actually matter too. The honest ones, the big hearted ones. That makes everything so much comforting. I think we all need to remember that a little more than we do. Life goes on, we focus so much on everythign happening with every second of our lives, if we'd just lay back, even myself, and let it pass, it's be SO much more easier. We make everything so much harder for ourselves than it has to be.

I can't believe Homecoming is going to be in October this year. That's going to suck. I was hoping it'd be like the second week of September. I can't wait for Football games to start again. Oh and our guys will be Varsity this year, basketball too. That'll be cool. Powder Puff is going to be so much fun.

*yawns* I fell asleep earlie last night. Sorry I didn't call you back Erika. :( I <3 you and hope you have fun today!

Did I mention that I loveeeeeee grapes! The purple ones ;)