there's a traitor here, beneath my breast
i just felt like writing.

like maybe if i keep writing the right words will come out and everyone will know how i feel.

but the trouble is, i kind of dont know how i feel. im just.. blank. im not hungry, or tired, or happy, or sad. im just.. nothing.

you know, i think that if a person were left in a room with absolutely nothing to occupy themselves with, they would go insane.

i cant function on an afternoon when all my priveleges are taken away. i just cant. i will sit there and be absolutely insane until i can find something to do. but it isnt like my mind isnt always doing something. its always thinking about things that have been thought of before, just rearranging everything to make it seem better or worse. and it takes all these memories and says 'if you did this, what wouldve happened?'

and i will sit and think of everything i cant change.

i, honest to god, need something to occupy myself with. to stick me in a room with no color and nothing but myself in that room.. well, crazy doesnt even begin to cover it.

and now im just rambling off on something that probably only makes sense in my mind.

like two nights ago, i dreamt the whole night.

and i remembered some of it in the morning.

which is hard because i had the same dream the whole night. my dream never stopped, i never got a new one. it was the same one, except parts of it changed. evolved, you could say.

and some of it is so hard to describe because i swear that i have a.d.d. or some nonsense like that.

because, my brain will automatically link topics together by some familiarity that only i know. so when someone is talking to me, my brain goes zapzapzap. and then, i talk and it is completely random and ridiculous to the person who is hearing it. although it is completely logical to me.

anyways. this dream i was having. it was my brain making connections to a whole bunch of different topics, so by the time the dream ended, it was dramatically different from when it started.

and im just happy i can remember my dream at all. even if its only a few tidbits. because for some reason i dont remember dreams unless im sick or congested.

oh, good lord. i hope it isnt a foreshadowing of me getting sick. because that would suck.

i hate how illness can come at the worst times. and you feel so selfish thinking that the cold is so inconsiderate of your schedule. its not like the cold can help itself.

so im leaving for sweden on the 27th. and i will get to be with my relatives for maybe a week and then i have to go to sparreviken. sparreviken is this conformation camp. and its a month and you do all sorts of fun nature-ish things like hiking, and sailing, and camping, and canoeing.

how the hell do you spell canoeing? canoe-ing. fuck the english language, i say. we americans already butchered the hell out of it. and the grammar is just a bunch of rules. but there are 5 million exceptions to that one rule. and it just confuses the bejesus out of everyone.

well, anyone not english. or american.

what was i talking about anyways?

oh yes. well, this camp i am going to. i will only know one person. my cousin felix. and he is 15 also. but i havent seen him for, what, 3 or 4 years?

i can tell you that its just going to be a giggle.

but im seriously scared about coming back to school. i will have jetlag from hell. and i wont even get to go to the orientation thingy. where i find out where all my classes are.

and oh, we got report cards yesterday. well, i think it was yesterday.

oh man, you will not believe how bad of a memory my sister has. its kinda funny.

anyways. report cards. i got an F on my alg II final, you guys know that already. so go me, because i had a C for the quarter. hell yes.

then, i got a B on my biology exam. WHAT NOW? i just thought that was freaking awesome. i screamed really loud. and then my sister yelled at me. but A in that class for the quarter too. A's for everything else.

i passed my english final. whoa.

speaking of which. in my dream i had a fit because i couldnt find my vanilla lotion. my mom said we were leaving for sweden the next day and everything was packed. except, everything was in cardboard boxes. and we were in my friend's garage.

im not sure what that means.

but i am pretty sure that this will be one hell of a long entry.

or maybe not. i can only tell how much i write by this scrollbar next to my box and it doesnt look like the face thing is getting any smaller.

well, it made sense in my head.

i think im going to go listen to some music and think of things to do.

god, do i just love summer vacation.

dream