:: 2005 6 February :: 3.02 pm

werid.. scetchy... speechless.
this has gone too far. oh boy

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:: 2005 5 February :: 10.29 pm

today was werid.. i was on apple ave 3 times! woke up at 8 and went to patty's house and got stuck in her drive way which wasn't really fun. but yeah went to S and e, and got a 2... i'm content w/ it.. its not like i tried as hard as i should of. yeah then my dad calls me on our way home and was like hey! lets go to whitehall and eat w/ dick and mary. i was like cool! thinking it was going to be us 2. deff. wasn't. mom and david came along too. wasn't as bad as i thought. i love mary and dick. i really don't think any "non-family" people love me and give me as much support as they do. they are practically family. mary is just so encourging and dick just puts the final touch on everyhting.
i was going to say somthing.. i really was.. hmmm i forgot. it really wasn't somthing meaningful too.. oh well.. must not of been too important.. well i'm out. i'm tired................ gotta get some sleep!!!!
lindsey

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:: 2005 31 January :: 9.41 pm

ah! i do everything and always come out on bottom! some people just need to stop.
linds

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:: 2005 27 January :: 7.27 pm

he is gone... he is gone.
i still need to wake up... this whole thing just seems like one big nightmere.
it was beautiful in away to see everyone so caring.
lindsey
Rest in peace Adam.

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:: 2005 25 January :: 9.15 pm
:: Mood: crappy

tonight went to adam's funeral... i cried. i opend the door and there was the whole wrestling team... ah i just avoided i don't want anyone to come up to me.
i don't knwo what else to do for kara... i keep trying to think but what do you do? i just don't know.

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:: 2005 23 January :: 5.19 pm

*tear* i just cry.

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:: 2005 20 January :: 8.40 pm

somepeople just don't know...

i'm going to skiing tomorrow w/kierra up north!! i'm so excited!!! yeah!!!!!!
well ihave much to do! bye!!
lindsey

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:: 2005 6 January :: 4.26 pm

angry
ahh!!! today has been offically the worst day for me driving.. i'm just goning to stay home tonight.. i'm not going anywhere!!!!!!!! in the morning got run off the road by a fucking bus!!!! iw as like what the fuck?!?!?! i was sosoooooo mad!! then my mom calls me saying that i need to pick up david so i go pick him and he wanted to come home but i had call backs for the musical... so i was like ahhh so i bring him home and guess what?! i got fucking stuck at the end of my drive way! i didn't knwo what to do i tried everything!!! i was getting sooo fusterated i started swearing infront of david.. ahh but i don't care!! so then i run back to the barn but i got snow on in my shoes but i fiinally got back to school.. ah i just wanna go and lay down. and havign to go to school today made everything sooo worse.. i mean wtf?! everyone else didn't have to wake up!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i was so mad..... grr.yeah so i'm in an angry mood and all i wanna do is eat :( which isn't good.... yeah
well i'm done bitching.. wow i'm trying to swear that much this year and well obviously that isn't working out too welll...
lindsey

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:: 2005 5 January :: 6.44 pm

ahhh stop fighting please... ryan just work at white lake this summer and put in fucking pools... mom.. stop being such a cocky ass.. and dad shut up.. no one is listening ahhhhh somtimes i just don't understand how they can get into the same fight everysingle night... its really sad. its always about money.. nothing else. its never about anything thats actrually really important... ahh..
maybe it's just because i woke up idk.. but i'm in an ANGRY MOOD!!!!!!! i have to go to church choir... :( usually i like it and look forward to it but day i just wanna curl back up in my bed... and have my dreams i had while i was taking a nap :).
lindsey

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:: 2005 1 January :: 1.46 am

this day has sucked. i don't ever want to re live this day. i hate this day. waking up early to go to a funeral isn't my favorite thing to do. i was strong. i was strong until my aunt started crying on my shoulder. i was fine until then but i looked away and tried to think of somthing else. i was fine after.. i got teary eyed when they caried the casket out. i cried. i cried when uncle eddie came in from carrying it out to the car and grabed my grandma and just started bawiling. in all my life i have never seen my ed cry. so i don't approve of the way his life went and the everyday choices he makes but he cried like he was 5. today ed was different. i don't knwo why. maybe it was because he didn't get his buz before.. idk. he just seemed different. it was as if we were on the same page. we related to somthing. when he grabed me and gave me a hug.. i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to cry but when a grown man is crying on.. what do you do? this is my uncle eddie who has done so much stuff.. illeagal stuff and he is bawling right now. everyone was crying... my mom, pitts, aunt jane, and eddie... all crying on my grandma... my grandma just hugged them all. it was sad but at the same time soothing. how can my grandma still have the strength to not cry but have all 4 of he grown children cry on her? how? it is kinda sad that right now i am just relizing how strong some people are. how great some people are. why was i so blind? why did it have to take a death in order for me to see this. being a mother is a huge responsibility. and i'm just now relizing it. i knew it would be hard and you would have to have a lot of strength to pay the bills and raise the children right but to love them with all that. i'm now talking bout my g. grandma. 18 kids.. 3 of which were biologically her own but yet she considered all to be hers. you have to have a gift to walk in a marriage w/ a guy who is 20 years older than you w/ 8 kids.. raging 5 to 19. you only be 22.. one of your childeren only being 3 years younger than you. and have them actrually be able to accept you as a mother? wow. just think about it.. that is absolulty nuts. well i don't wanna keep ranting on this. i've just cried as much as i wanted to. my great grandma was an awesome lady... now she is in heaven. a great glourious place. she is happy.


so yeah now back to high school life. um thanks a lot guys. you guys arn't my friends... i'm stupid. i shouldn't of wasted my time on you... on any of you.. because you don't take a chance to even talk to me anymore. it kinda hurts when you think you have this huge group of friends and not one of them call. its not so much i wanted to go its the fact that you didn't think to call me and wish me a happy new year or anything! you guys just upset me. i need to move on. who cares about being around you. you are just stupid guys who just want sex. you guys are so shallow its sad. absolutly sad. i can't wait to get out of cedar. you know.. i'm to the point in my life where i don't really give a fuck where i go anymore. as long as it is far away from here. far away from this place. i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to care so much about social life and concentrate on the things that really matter. school and singing.. those things are important to me in life and clearly i'm not on your list so why should you be on mine? i could care less if you are jealous... get use to it.
ah i proally sound like the biggest bitch right there but i wish i could print that out and give to all those fucking losers... i'm sure it won't even leave a dent in their hearts and just keep going on w/ life. oh well. it would give me some satisfaction.
but tongiht i had some fun. the high light of the night was running over andy's foot. lol....... i don't think i have laughed so hard in my life. that really just made this whole break better... i just hope it isn't broken. and i love hanging out w/ brandee.
today was kinda fun hanging out w/ my brothers too... when jon came over it was like having a third brother.. although he doesn't really gang up on me lol. but yeah.
today was beautiful!!! i would be in such a worse mood if outside wasn't so warm and spring like... too bad it wasn't spring but it is fun to pretend for awhile.
well thats really all... hopefully i'm done crying and hopefully something great will happen soon... it doesn't have to be great.. just somthing better than what has been going on. anything little would make my day. like when i waslittle my grandma would give me little surprises.. it would range from a barbie outfit to a choc. muffin. anything thoughtful would mean so much.
well if anyone wants to do anything tomorrow i'm up for it!!! ttyl bye!!! *muah!
lindsey
ooh happy new year! 2005

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:: 2004 30 December :: 4.52 pm

everyone is going up to the lake for new years like they did last year.. i wanna go :( i wanna go so bad. oh well. there is next year. next year i can and it will be fun.
so yeah that was rude.. kind of a waste of a day. oh well
tonight we have to go to the visitaion.. i'm scared. but i'll be strong i know i can be.
well thats really it.

lindsey!

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:: 2004 29 December :: 9.54 pm

everyone is in love... aww lol
today was ah... a stupid day. i got no sleep what so ever!! my dad kicked the window out in the back of the blue van. and yeah ahhh stupid. then we were soppose to go to the museum for prom and of course mr. taylor forgot so we all went to his house. lol. kinda random. but yeah that was fun i guess.. other when my mom was yelling at me on the phone because of the window. oh well. i'm sorry. i went to danielles started our movie. lol.
oh stop!!! i'm angry. i just woke up. i thought it was going to be like 7 but no it was 9. oh well. stop fighting! why argggggg...... why does she have to be so blah... assume the worst. this whole week isn't about her!!!! its about grandma... ooh stop i just wanna go up there and belike who gives a fuck? stop honestly.


ooh you know i've relized i haven't updated in such a long time!!! well sun. night i had a dream w/ my g. grandma in it. i was older... and i had this awesome sail boat and she was on it. fine! good as can be. i woke up crying. knowing she was never going to see lake michigan aginan. ooh i wanna die right on lake michigan. just like doc. mcneal... oooooooohhhhhhhh i miss him sooo much!! anyways. so yeah then i wake up to find otu that she died sun. night around 10. no one was there but by this time she didnt know if you were there or not. tomorrow will rough. i don't think the actrual funeral will be as bad. tomorrow is the visitation and i'll actrually have to see her dead body. yeah.
mon. we went up to whitehall. gave the picture to mary. ooh she was so excited!! then we were at gambels. oh yeah so my little brother and i. went into town to just run up there. then i wanted to go to sylvan. and yeah right when we got there maroon 5.. came on!! i waslike oooh!!!!! yeah i was excited. then i went back to GR w/ leanny. and we had gossip: mingling generations. lol!! gotta love andrea lol. yeah so that was intresting. yeah then the next day we were down town Gr all day. we went ice skating and went to her dad's work. then her dad took us out to lunch. yeah it was fun. oh we took veda to pet co. !!! i was soo excited!!!! then mar came over and they drove me home... oh we started making chicken and yeah it was gross. ooh i forgot.. we bought candy cigs at the duck.. and did ya know.. that they had isle numbers on drift wood? i deff. didn't! and yeah i guess i'm retarted. and um yeah we lit the cigs on fire. lol. great great fun.
i hate it when people talk to me when i've just woken up... don't.

"Tap on my window, knock on my door/ i want to make you feel beautiful." yeah :)

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:: 2004 27 December :: 12.29 pm
:: Mood: frustrated

i feel like people are leaving me or ignoring me. it's proally both. i'm just confussed i guess. but i'm always confussed about one thing or another. it just feels liek people don't want to talk to me. i thought everything was fine but guess not. ooh and i must not be good enough for you.. since now you are single and all. thats ok, i'll remember when you have just left me behind... didn't think to call me. i'll remember that. god you make me so mad.
lindsey

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:: 2004 25 December :: 8.29 pm

"It doesn't matter if no one else is laughing, as long as i am laughing and having a good time... its all good!"
-Grandma Gates
"Whoa! you're a little early for Easter."
-g-ma gates
lol you gotta love my grandma.. " so lindsey, is it really christmas or is your dad just pulling my leg."
lol
ok well christmas is good
lindsey

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:: 2004 24 December :: 10.56 pm

wow... today was an absoulte emotional day. good and bad.
I went and saw uncle chuck and my great grandma today. uncle looked great! i was really surprised! butit was awhole different story with my grandma. i don't ever want to see anyone like that agian. i knew she would look bad and i knew she wouldn't look like her self. but my god!! when i walked in i just wanted to run to her arms and cry! that wasn't my grandma! that wasn't the person i remebered! the lady i grew up with! what happend? 3 months ago she was rideing a motocyle! she was on our boat! just hopped on as if she was 18 agian. i just don't understand. she was fine... she was fine. now is a different story. it was so hard not to cry. i didn't want to start crying.. i didn't want her to see me all upset. i didn't want everyone else to be crying... it was just rough. she kept moving her feet.. like she was walking somewhere... she kept moving back and forth. she hurts for every breath. then of course... one of my moms aunts was like "she is walking to heaven".. i lost it.. i didn't want to cry but i just turned around... i didn't cry... my eyes got teary the whole time.. but i never shed a tear.. i guess its that stupid thing about me.. i don't cry infront of people. but i got home.. i hopped in my van to go the metron to pass out x-mas cards and the whole way there i just bawled. i could harldy see where i was driving.. not too safe but yeah... its hard... i can't handel death. i admit it. i know she is going to heaven. i know she is satisfied w/ what she has done in her life.. but for somereason i can't stand seeing someone in pain. i wanted to like do somthing.. but what? it is her time to go.. she knows that we all know that but why in pain? she hurts.. she hurts a lot.. she doesn't deserve it. ooh yeah... she said hi.. she didn't say hi to anyone else.. i feel bad.. she should of said hi to my mom.. to aunt kay.. i don't deserve to be said the word to.. i wish i would of spent more time w/ her. ooh i wish... david was deathly afraid of her.. i was holding her hand and he wouldn't even come near her. i understand he doens't know whats going on.. i would be scared too if i was his age.. well i am scared also but yeah.. i just held her hand.. what was i soppose to do. its all i could do. hold her hand.. my grandma was like well you should of sang to her.. what if she was to die while i was singing to her. i don't knwo what i would do.. what if she was to die right infront of me.. ooh that would.. that would idk.. i really don't know. i guess you have to look at this positvily.. i got to say good bye for the last time and she is going to heaven. a better place than here. heaven is the ultimate place. she will be able to see her family.. her husbands.. most of all jesus.
so yeah i made my dad cry today.. this is the good part. i sang oh holy night at our christmas eve service.i sang so well!! my dad was bawling.. other people were crying.... People cried when i sang.. that feeling is just amazing. i have never made anyone cry w/ my singing. the lord really helped me. oh it was beatiful.. usually i critzie my singing.. yes there was thing that could of been better but oh i made people cry. people enjoyed it! so yeha i am pleased w/ it. i'm so happy. i love that song.. excepcially tonight. today gave me a whole new meaning of it. it felt so much more real when i practiced it and when i sang it. it just felt great. absolutly great.
well merry christmas!!! i can't wait to give my dad his present!! ooh i'm excited!
lindsey

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