It's a long way down from the place where we started from.

1 Lie | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 17 October :: 2.37am

days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
"touch is an end in itself. it is a primary form of communication, a silent voice that avoids the pitfall of words while expressing the feelings of the moment. it bridges the physical separateness from which no human being is spared, literally establishing a sense of solidarity between two individuals."

(masters & johnson, 1976)

:: 2004 14 October :: 2.25pm

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: Deftones

Are you male or female: The Boy's Republic
Describe yourself: Headup
How do some people feel about you: Lifter
How do you feel about yourself: One Weak
Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend: Deathblow
Describe where you want to be: My Own Summer
Describe what you want to be: Elite
Describe how you live: Anniversary of an Uninteresting Event
Describe how you love: Good Morning Beautiful
Describe how you party: Knife Prty
Share a few words of wisdom: Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)

9 Lies | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 13 October :: 4.46pm
:: Music: Hawthorne Heights - Ohio Is For Lovers

I think Laurence owes a debt of gratitude to Kevin Randall and Allison Yocum.

Had Kevin not dated Allison, I wouldn't have met Brandy, who wouldn't have introduced me to Laurence, who wouldn't have introduced me to Woohu, which I then wouldn't have posted about Deftones, which wouldn't have caught the attention of a couple of Deftone-crazy Kuwaities, who one of which in particular wouldn't have met Laurence. ; )

Granted, there is the off-chance that you two would've met randomly on here on your own, but for the sake of my journal entry, lets pretend not.

Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 13 October :: 7.18pm

no, don't look away.

if you don't stare, i won't feel right.

Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 12 October :: 10.31pm

hey, i had fall break this weekend-today, so i actualy have class tomorrow. i did a lot of stuff. hung out with megan, janet, mel and adam friday. stein, mel and adam saturday and mel adam and kinda janet (she was on the phone hard core) sunday. megan and adam and woop woop monday. adam and me drove to state tuesday and played hockey with ryan. it was fun. then i got this..

http://photos.yahoo.com/nhm10 click on the fall break 04 album to see what i got!

5 Lies | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 12 October :: 3.55pm

your life is yours
okay, let me get this straight. or crooked. or whatever way i'm going to get this.

we hate what we are.
we hate who we are.
we want to be anyone else but us.
we hate everyone else because they're not like us.

that's how it works, correct?

have you ever wondered why we pride ourselves and our children on innate differences between us and them? why is it black vs. white, woman vs. man, jew vs. gentile, etc.? we're fixated on our differences, as minute and meaningless as they are. there's so much energy channeled into proving that we are better than everyone else based on things we have absolutely no control over, while bitching and moaning about everything we do have control over, yet never taking any action to improve these conditions. you suck because you're not from the same country as me. you suck because you're a different race. you suck because your father sucked. i suck because you can dance better than me. i suck because you're nicer than me. i suck because i'm not like you.

so...

you're not who you want to be, eh? well, who is it that you do want to be? why? will you ever be that person? no. will you ever be happy by wanting to be that person? no. is there a way to get around this? yes.

there is a way for you to be everything you ever wanted to be.

how do i do it?! i'm a lame, piece-of-shit excuse for a human being, laurence! i suck! no one likes me, and no one should like me, because i'm a terrible person! and i'm scared of everything! i don't want to get close to anyone because that makes me weak! i suck! but i'm better than everyone else because no one understands me!

timmy, please, calm down. you've just described every human being alive.

well, i'll be jiggered.

yes, i know timmy, it's a rather hard concept to understand at first -- but don't be fooled, every person alive is weak, afraid, and wants someone to take care of them.

but what about steve, the football captain? he's so cool! everyone loves him!

steve has herpes.

oh. yeah, but, i suck! how could anyone possibly ever like me, let alone love me?!

timmy, that's the beauty of humanity. no matter what your age, your sex, your weight, your height, your IQ, your skin color, your beliefs (or lack thereof), your culture, your strengths, your weaknesses, your talents, your faults, your personality, your shoe size, your ass size, or your nose size, you are capable of giving and receiving love.

ha! you don't know nothin'! i've never been loved my whole life! everyone puts shit on me and takes advantage of me! nobody's ever loved me and nobody ever will!

do you love yourself?

hah. what's to love? i'm worthless to the world and to myself. i should kill myself.

so why haven't you, yet? is there hope inside you somewhere that maybe all of this emotional subjective bullshit talk about that stupid 4-letter word has some truth to it?

what?

did you ever consider the fact that it's no one's responsibility to make you feel anything?

what are you talking about?! other peoples' actions make you happy or sad or angry, come on. it's always someone else that makes you feel something!

why are you getting upset?

ugh, because you're such an asshole! cramming all your pansy opinions down my throat! god, can't you just leave me alone! i'm a bitch and i like it, okay! i've had enough of this self-help crap! i'm outta here!

listen, children-who-call-themselves-adults, here's the deal:
1. i hate myself, you hate yourself. we have something in common already.
2. i want love, you want love. ah ha! something else in common.
3. no one else in the world will ever make you who you are or make you feel how you feel. no one. ever. you're alone.

you are all by yourself in that body. yeah, just you. and you'll always be that way. you're stuck forever in that body, with that brain, with those hormones, with or without those talents, with every insecurity, with every memory, with every experience, with every attitude, with every pain, with every joy, with every single thing that has ever been inside of you or outside of you. you are you. you make choices. you act. you speak. you control how you react. you make yourself beautiful, or you make yourself ugly. you make yourself what you want. you are your own responsibility, no one else's.

get it straight, or crooked, or however you can. just get it already.

10 Lies | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 8 October :: 1.18pm
:: Music: Head Automatica - Disco Hades II

I woke up last night at around midnight, vigorously scratching my arms, hands and shoulders. I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and found a huge bite on my tricep and various smaller bites all around. I went back to bed thinking "great, last time I moved to San Luis I got sick, this time, there are spiders" Throughout the night I have numerous dreams pertaining to the bites, like having them cover my entire arm. I wake up and there is absolutely no sign of anything. Now I'm freaking out. Did I dream everything? Did the bites subside after only a few hours? Have I gone insane? When I supposedly woke up, everything was vivid. Kyle was in his room, lights were on, it was real. I'm still convinced that it was real, but without evidence I'm without a case.

15 Lies | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 7 October :: 1.14pm

Why am I not able to make or look at comments on journals that say friends only? Obviously you have me as friends, because I'm able to read them, but why can't I do anything. It says "you are not authorized to do this!" And that extra exclaimation mark at the end just makes me feel like a fool, as if you guys, personally are yelling at me.

:: 2004 7 October :: 10.57am

shitty
well i totally bombed my nutrition exam today, sounds impossible,i know, but the proff is a fuck head. he tells us its going to be easy and to study things that are important to athletes and then questions us on shit he told us not to study, i love college!

12 Lies | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 6 October :: 10.50pm

condensed cognition
i'll keep saying it. i'll keep telling people to love themselves and to love the people around them. i'll try to show people that it works. i won't stop. but that's all i can do.

:: 2004 6 October :: 10.52pm

my roommate is a crazy, but its awesome!

6 Lies | Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 6 October :: 3.39pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: cutting crew - died in your arms tonight

im getting some random music in my head lately
so today i did really shitty on my 2nd part of my exam, at least i think i did. then i went and rode the bike on the strength setting for 20 minutes, i was dying the last 5 minutes. then i was going to lift, do abs, tricips, biceps, 4 way leg, lunges. but when i passed the window there were like a million people in there, and all the machines i wanted to use were taken, granted biceps and lunges are free-weight things, but whats the point of only doing 2 things, and my legs already killed anyway, i'll just go tomorrow and friday. i was invited to a par-tay tonight, but i dont think im going to go, im still not really wanting to drink after the last time. that was a totally bad experience and i dont even like the taste of alcohol anymore, except malt beverages :-/

Fact and fiction work as a team.

:: 2004 5 October :: 6.58pm

i think i pissed someone off yesterday, i realllllly didnt mean to. and if you read this, im sorry. i was just kidding. i suck at being a friend

:: 2004 5 October :: 6.50pm
:: Music: big girls dont cry

its stuck in my head
so today in education we were talking about black/white issues. i hate doing that when both sides arent equally represented, or at least represented at all. my class is 15 white kids, and a black prof who is in her 30's.

still, for the most part the white kids are going to have very similar ideas and misconceptions and thouhgts about the issues, and so no one can really say the other side....yeah the teacher is black, but shes older and has had different experiences than black kids who are our age have. that class is so stupid, we discuss things that are common sense, and then things that we cant really discuss bc everyone agrees. love it!