danibean
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2005 7 April :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: tired
well, day 2 at the grindstone. woot....tomorrow i work from 9-3. then i stopped into the ice cream store today to drop off my app. and i guess we're opening on saturday instead of next friday! soooo, instead of having a somewhat peaceful weekend, i work saturday 11-3:30 at ice cream, then 3:30-8:30 at steins. sunday 12-5, monday 11-4:30, and wednesday 5-10. ahhhhhhhh.........i'm excited though, i can smell the money $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ :)
in other news, ryan called yesterday. we talked for over an hour and i didn't excatly ask him about prom. stupid me. i asked him if he was busy that weekend and he said he was booked until graduation. *sigh*...after talking to him i want to go with him more now than ever. i knew that it would be too much like a fairy tale and somewhat too good to be true if he could come. i just wish it would work out between us once. just one time. it's so hard too,...........ughaglkajglashdgakjdlfkaj. that's that. i have to be real, and i'm realizing that.
anyways, so i'm finally growing up i think. i'm starting to get ancy and wanting to get out of crap hole cedar springs. i'm excited to work 2 jobs now and maybe 3 if i do the farm this summer. if i can keep up. it just seems that i don't really care about high school things anymore. it just all seems stupid. i want to move on with my life. that's a first though...i'm not afraid anymore i don't think. and i know i'll make it.
well, i should get cleaning....if anyone wants to hang out when i'm NOT working, let me know.... :)
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danibean
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2005 1 April :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: happy
i feel so good right now. i'm actually going to go hang out with people i like. and that i don't have to pretend and be fake around. and i went to tina's today and hung out with kale, sarah, and radine...it was like old times with stuffing ourselves with pizza and cheese bread..mmmmmmmmm yeah. and we used tina's tanning bed...yay!!!!! so i'm going to matt's tonight to play poker and have some genuine fun and good times. that makes me happy....break is going to be awesome. yup..:)
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2005 31 March :: 11.25am
Well I'm going to say things. And most of you can ignore them, because you all don't post. Now Jessa has been great, giving me tons of material on my friends page, so now I will respond to her (sorry Steph, your life just seems to crazy and similar to mine to say much).
It's really weird how all our lives intersected for that brief moment in time that we call high school. That you, the crazy flirty girl that you described, was who I know you as. The person that you represent in your journal now, it's like someone I wouldn't even recognize. I definitely know that if I were to see you now, all inpregnated and stuff, I definitely wouldn't recognize you. I don't think that the evaluation that you took represents the idea that I have of you. It may very well represent you, but not of the girl who I knew. It was so long ago wasn't it? But not long in time terms. You showed me what platonic love could be. The basic understanding, and empathy for another person. All I could do is laugh when I watched you fall for another guy that I had introduced you to. I see it all now. you talk about Marty's former girlfriends. Sarah and I were great friends. Despite all her flaws, and she had many, we were still friends. And I saw her on Red Flannel Day, and the conversation we had. The evolution of friendship that people experience is amazing. I know my thoughts are nowhere near coherent. BUt they are my thoughts nonetheless. We are, you and I, destined for great things. And for fear of someone taking it the wrong way, it's not about us. You and I even, and that time in high school. It's about all of us, that unique group of people at a time that, even in our foggiest imagination we couldn't imagine the present. Us, me you and Brianna at the lunch table, could we imagine where we are now and what our relationship with each other is. Us, me you and Andy, in my living room while you were trying to bring him out of his shell. Us, me and you sitting in your living room, no words being spoken, but just you understanding the pain. We couldn't imagine what life had in store for us, what God had in store for us. Friends change, but do friendships? I hope I have provoked thought because, despite of scientific evidence to back the claim, it's good for your kid.
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danibean
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2005 30 March :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: contemplative
hmmm....things are coming to an end. and some things already came to one. it's sad to think about, but exciting to look forward to new friends, living arrangements, and teachers. not to mention a lot of hot guys! woo...anyways, i've been thinking. weird...i know...but don't fear, for it's good news. i'll tell you...just things, not necessarily all bad or good...that have crossed my mind.
1. i haven't updated in forever....and i've had this journal since my freshman year...humph....that's kind of neat-o
2. it just crashed thunder and lightening...and i liked it
3. i'm over the fact that dan laatz lied to me only so he could ruin our friendship so he could be with someone else (this is good...)(that i'm over it anyways)
4. i don't have a prom date....this is bad...only because i feel like a complete loser....i have a beautiful pink dress...that makes me feel like cinderella, with the glass slippers and all...but no prince....i'm trying to figure out what my problem is....
5. graduation doesn't seem real....or in reach at all whatsoever
6. i wasn't as cool as andrea groner when i was a freshman
7. i'm fake?
8. i'm scared of change
anyways, it feels good to get stuff kind of written out. feel free to leave me love...and remember...i love you :)
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2005 24 March :: 6.53pm
So here we go again. Another teenage gunmen. You know, it bores me to read the press coverage. They interview the popular kids at school. "oh he was a freak." "He listened to heavy metal and was, like, a goth." It's so stupid. These adults all have this view that their kids are perfect little angels at school. They have no clue. High school is such hell. I think the funny thing is that I fit the description of all these guys to a T, with a few exceptions. 1. I have a stable family 2. I don't wear dark clothes. Other than that I was the atypical teen gunman.
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2005 23 March :: 6.10pm
So I don't know what I am going to do. I got an email from my professor today telling me that if I miss three more classes I'm going to fail. But wait, oh yeah, I already am going to fail. I should really go talk to her, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's me. I know I am the reason I'm failing. And I'm just not willing to do the things that it takes to learn. Maybe it's not even that I'm not willing, it's just that I can't. I can't do it, it's not possible. I don't quit on things. When I don't do well at things I realize that I'm not good at them and move on. Right now, I just want to move on. I just don't want anyone to be mad at me. I don't want to piss the prof. off. Maybe I just give too much of a shit. Other class I could pull a cat and a rabbit out of the bag and be fine, but not in this one. No way. That just makes my night. I had other things I wanted to talk about, but that's it.
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2005 22 March :: 10.07am
Well I guess no one actually cares about my whiny little life.
I'm in a different mood than I was in last night. I have a sense of accomplishment now. I finished the paper. I worked on it for abour 1:15 last night and then woke up this morning and pounded out on it for another half an hour, bringing my grand total to
1:45
My balls hurt, just in case you were wondering. I don't know why either. huh.
Anyways,I spent that much time and I'm sure that the whiny little kid who is in my class that hasn't hit puberty yet because his voice hasn't changed and he squeeks everything (I think I spelled squeak wrong(you can also tell that I really don't like this kid because I'm going on and on and on and on and on (smacks self up side head to stop the skipping record) and on)). He is so annoying. He had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have enough "textual" evidence to support my argument when he had one single citation and his paper was slightly over ONE PAGE long. I had fourteen citations FOURTEEN and he had the nerve to tell me I didn't have enough. It's a good thing I never see that kid outside of school. I would throw him up against a wall so hard. UGH. It's like the time I wanted to smash someones head into a brick wall, yeah, that bad. Anyway. I think I'm done now and I don't think that "Anyway" is a sentence to itself either.
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2005 21 March :: 11.31pm
Today I just got so scared. So scared of the future. What the hell am I going to do?
I'm sick of school and I don't want to go anymore. I want a life away from my life. I want to be like Matt and Angie and Alex and not have to realize the potential that I have. I want to waste my life.
That also brought me to another scary thought that I've been having: what if this is it? What if I've made my mark on the world and just flamed out? I don't know how I could live with that.
It's really strange, but now that I'm with her I actually feel more alone. I feel like there is no one that I can really talk to that doesn't have a motive for me. I could talk to her, but I know she has a motive. Plus, I don't want to be that serious already. I mean, we are getting more serious than we were before is some ways, but I don't want to become emotionally serious yet. That's just too much.
So I've got a paper due in 9 hours and I haven't even started it. I feel like not doing it.
I'm hating going to my Spanish class and I'm contemplating not ever going again. I'm going to fail, I might as well do a good job of it. And what does it say about me that I just want to give up? I want to give it all up and just be a lazy drifter with no future, no potential, free to do what I want when I want to. I don't think I'm cut out for that, but I don't think that I'm cut out for the life I"m living either. I'm going to go cry, perhaps sleep a little, perhaps write a little.
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2005 16 March :: 12.57pm
I'm still in this kind of limbo, trying to navigate my way between two things that I think would severely disappoint me.
Kim and I are back together. They all said that it wouldn't take long and they were right. I love her, I really do. However, there is this weird feeling that I have, kind of a doubt about the future. The hard thing is that I convinced myself that she didn't want me. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with my life before she came along, so why was I so depressed when we broke up, nothing had really changed right? And now I'm having trouble with the opposite aspect. I was getting over her. I was healing, in fact, I was getting used to not having a girlfriend. All the things that you can do as a single guy, but not when you're in a relationship, like flirting with girls and thinking about them in different ways. It's strange because part of me doesn't want to lose that. I kind of feel like there is nothing wrong with my life before she came along so why should I change my life because of her. So I walk the line, trying not to do anything that is going to upset her, abut at the same time still maintaining my individuality and not isolating myself in the confines of our relationship.
We talked about just having fun and not letting things get too serious. But I realized that it's a cop out on my part. I don't want to let things get too serious so that she doesn't have the power to hurt me again. I don't want to give that to her willingly this time. Yes, I'm a different person than I was four months ago. I don't think she thinks that we can just go back to the way we were, but some of the things she does seems like it. Obviously I don't want to go back to the way things were because there was a reason that she ended up with him anyway. Things are kind of confusing right now, but I just need to remember to not let these little nagging quesitons bother me, and just keep livin'.
BTW, I think I've failed my Spanish class. I don't think I have the brain anymore to get a new language. Or at least the way that they teach it here. It's very remedial, and I am very used to the pace in college. I need to know when things are due, sooner than the day before, because I just don't have time. I need to have concepts and ways of thinking about things to keep me engaged. Learning the language the way they teach it is like learning your multiplication tables. If you have the necessary background you can do it, but if you can't you feel inadequate and develop a bad attitude which only leads to less partcipation and learning. How I know all these things and can still be failing the class I have no idea, but it's a test of my redmedialness (if that's even a word) more than it is a test of my intelligence or true ability to learn the language.
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2005 9 March :: 12.12am
:: Mood: whimsical
:: Music: Counting Crows
The subject has yet to escape, but persists in evading me
If there is anything to say, I should say it now.
Yes, she did leave him. Thank God, truly for that one. I spent all day Sunday thanking people for whatever small role that they played in her ending her realtionship with him. It became about safety. I also thought it was encouraging that she came up with her plan of action far before she read what I had to say.
So I spent all night last night at her dad's house with her. I got there to pick her up for dinner at 6. We stayed at the resturaunt until 8:30. Just talking and having a good time. There was one point where she fell over by me and I put my arm around her, for like just a second (man, I'm starting to sound likr Crystal). Then we went back to her dad's house and we talked some more and then she got online and was talking to her sister and Christine when we had our real conversation. I told her how I felt. That I wanted to make sure that her feelings for me weren't just because I looked much better than her recent past. That I wanted to take things slow, just hang out and have fun, and stop being so serious. And then I asked her how she felt; that was the hardest part of the whole night. It was the time that I had the most doubt. She didn't say anything. Nothing at all. She couldn't vocalize, or wouldn't vocalize what she was feeling. And I felt that old frustration setting in. But then it was weird, because I didn't want to put too much pressure on her, but at the same time, I feel like I can't go back to her if she can't open up to me. And we hugged. A long, firm embrace, that seemed to say everyhting she was feeling without her actually saying it.
So we went into the living room, at this point it was like 1:30am. I was about ready to go home, but I sat down on the couch while she went to the bathroom and I fell asleep. I knew I was done. I also knew in my head that that can be interpreted as being romantic. To tell the truth, I've left that place way too many times, being thrown out into the harsh realities of life, and wanting to cry. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think. I simply wanted to be again. I wanted to be right now, not the past, nor the future, jsut right now. And we held hands, and did the things we used to do. And she curled up next to me, with her head on my belly and she fell asleep. But I wasn't sure how to feel. This girl, that I care about, but has hurt me so deeply, is inviting me back into her life. And there she was, perfectly beautiful to me again, perfectly lovely, there for me, a God given angel to bring a light to my life (okay, I'm being slightly melo-dramatic here, but bear with me). And I re-realized that I loved her, and that she loved me. For one time that was enough, because the thin line we now tread, just as the title of my journal says, is thin, and soon all could be good, or all could be lost.
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2005 3 March :: 4.13pm
Okay. So before you all think I'm a raging lunatic. I'm not a communist. Hell, I'm not even a liberal. It's just an expression of frustration. There are so many questions and so few answers. So many people, but the same approach. It's just frustrating. Academics (the people) are very good at pointing out the problems, but are poorly equipped to come up with the answers. We need answers, not problems. We need to figure out where we are going and go there, not wait around. Life is too short to put up with this shit.
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2005 3 March :: 3.59pm
So I should really be upset, but I'm not. I just don't know how to deal with the whole situation. It's not a good one for her, but I can't get involved because of our past. I get the feeling that she wants me too, but I can't. She hinted at the possibility that we may have a future potential, and I kind of shy away from that. She hurt me, bad. I just don't think I can put myself through that again. But I need to help her. What ever shall I do?
On the other hand, I had a real interesting conversation with a girl in my politics class. Silda is Albanian and awesome. She just so completely socially liberal that it's not even funny. We stood in class and talked about how people can't think for themselves right in front of the two dumbest women (yes, women; there the soccer mom type's who I constantly made fun of in my Michigan History class) in the class. We were having a discussion about Rousseau's view of pre-historic man and the woman couldn't get it through her head. She kept talking about how bad it must have been to have to eat raw meat. Whoopi!!! Raw meat. Big friggin' deal. Get over it. Anyway, I digress. So we spent like an hour talking about social issues. And all the questions and the knowledge that we will never had, and where we are going in life (not we as in her and I, but our generation). I told Kim last night that I have absolutely no faith in our generation. I look around and I see so much laziness and filth. She brought up the '60's and how no one thought that their generation would do anything either. And to that I responded that at least there were doing what they were doing for a reason. Free love is a very attractive message. It is also a motivation that our generation sorely lacks. We don't smoke because of an innate sense that it will bring deeper meaning. Everything we do is so selfish and corporate driven. Ask a goth why they wear black. Can they give you a good reason? Can they justify themselves other than they feel like misfits in a society that recognizes and rewards strange behavior? Can they justify their clothes as more than things that are being mass marketed to youth by large corporations? Do you really think that corporations that sell these fashions want kids to become accepted into society? No, hell no. they want them to continue to be misfits, so they will buy more of their products. Yes, it all sounds like a conspiracy. But we have to wake up and see what is going on. We have realize that the social injustice in this country is so huge. When a city like Detroit is made up of 98% African Americans while the suburbs are 97% caucasian, we have a problem. It's defacto segregation. Where is the cry of justice? Where are the cries of outrage? Silenced, because it's too uncomfortable to think about.
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2005 25 February :: 8.46pm
I guess no one really will take my mindless banter about Hunter S Thompson seriously. Oh well. It's strange, it was my first experience to the alternate. My first exposure to thought. And it was him. It was my peers who educated me, but it was him. I was straight laced, and still am. But reading his work doesn't make you feel bad to be straight laced. The people he mocks, even though it could be you, are straight laced, but not. His eccentrism is so out there. And if you don't understand, you need to read. Get out of your shell and read his stuff. He may be the greatest American writer of the latter half of the 20th Century. He may have captured what it was all about, and what it all became.
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2005 21 February :: 9.11am
After seeing it last night I couldn't believe it. He was a great writer and a great man. This is the best article I have found so far. If you get a chance, read some of his works. They are everything that the article says they are, but they contain so much truth too.
Hunter S. Thompson kills himself
By Robert Lusetich in Los Angeles
February 22, 2005
HUNTER S. Thompson, an iconic contrarian who gave birth to an entertaining, anarchic form of journalism he called gonzo, committed suicide yesterday at his compound outside the exclusive ski resort of Aspen, Colorado.
Like one of his great literary heroes, Ernest Hemingway, Thompson, who had a lifelong fascination with guns, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, according to police. He was discovered by his son Juan in the kitchen just before 6pm.
A self-styled eccentric and maverick, Thompson favoured Ray Ban aviator sunglasses, a cigarette holder and a cowboy hat that gave him the appearance of a modern-day confederate general.
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Aged either 65 or 67, he was an American original: a drug-hazed, counter-culture Ishmael who wrote passionately about what he saw as the demise of modern US society.
"For the whole point on this picaresque is that the American-style rogue-hero must not merely tease or insult the Silent Majority, but abuse it, outrage it, twist it, hurt it, smash it," he once wrote.
Born in Kentucky to alcoholic parents, Thompson toiled as a mainstream journalist before stumbling across the genre he called gonzo while covering the Kentucky Derby horse race for a sports magazine.
"I'd blown my mind, couldn't work," he told Playboy. "So finally I just started jerking pages out of my notebook and numbering them and sending them to the printer. I was sure it was the last article I was ever going to do for anybody."
Instead, it made him famous, leading to seminal works such as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which began as a 300-word magazine piece about a race in Las Vegas and turned into a best-selling account of a drug-induced road trip to the gambling capital. Published in 1972, it was made into a movie in 1998, starring Johnny Depp.
Not everyone was enamoured with Thompson's style of mythologising, essentially, himself.
Critic Joseph Nocera, in 1981's How Hunter Thompson Killed New Journalism wrote: "But more than anyone else, Hunter Thompson has damaged and discredited New Journalism's promise. Instead of being exhilarated by his freedom, he was corrupted by it. Instead of using it in the search for truth, he used it for trivial self-promotion."
Thompson himself was once asked what made a gonzo journalist. He replied: "The true gonzo reporter needs the talent of a master journalist, the eye of an artist/photographer and the heavy balls of an actor."
Thompson wrote almost a dozen books, including Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72, The Great Shark Hunt, Generation of Swine and Songs for the Doomed, and scores of newspaper and magazine articles. Thompson - on whom Gary Trudeau based his character Uncle Duke in the comic strip Doonesbury - particularly enjoyed writing about politics and sports, and intertwined the familiar themes of violence, sex and drugs.
He could be quite liberal with the truth, as his friend John Burton once noted.
"Lying was the thing he did best," Burton said, "He did it with total cool and confidence." Thompson defended his controversial approach by saying that fiction "is based on reality unless you're a fairytale artist".
"You have to get your knowledge of life from somewhere. You have to know the material you're writing about before you alter it," he said.
His groundbreaking coverage of the 1972 presidential election race between Richard Nixon - who Thompson loathed - and George McGovern was once recalled by a Democrat campaign aide as being the "least accurate yet most truthful" account of that campaign.
Nixon, who Thompson had called a "walking embarrassment to the human race", once said Thompson represented "that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character".
It was an insult Thompson would wear as a badge of honour.
The stories about him are almost as legendary as the ones he wrote.
Perhaps one of the most amusing centred on his coverage of the "Rumble in the Jungle", the 1974 heavyweight fight between Mohammad Ali and George Foreman in Zaire.
Days before the fight, Thompson was last seen asking a bell boy at his hotel whether he could lead him to a cannibal tribe.
Thompson, who took to attaching leeches to his head because the blood sucking gave him a "real buzz", did not see the fight but was instead found floating in the hotel pool, face down, afterwards.
When he was fished out, he looked up and asked, "Who won?"
He may have lost some of his relevance in later years, but he continued to insert himself into the national conversation.
He was said regularly to fax advice to Democrats seeking office, and was distraught when Bill Clinton announced he had not inhaled a marijuana cigarette once handed to him.
"It's just a disgrace to an entire generation," he exclaimed.
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2005 15 February :: 10.45am
I can't figure out if this horrible mood I'm in is because she came in with her boyfriend last night, on Valentine's Day of all days, after I told both of them that i had no desire to meet him. Or maybe I'm just hungry.
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